General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Where did your low self esteem come from? From childhood? Maybe thats why people continually make poor choices in partners and life choices?
Did it come from being with a partner who was/is abusive in some way? Surely if you have been abused of any kind it will tear away at your self worth. Perhaps a cheating partner brought your esteem down? If you are no longer suffering from low self esteem, what changed? Do you feel once you got some self esteem you were able to make better choices in your life?
I just see so many people right now it seems with very little or no self esteem. I thin k its why they feel trapped or stuck in unhealthy marriages. I think if it were higher they might not put up with or tolerate some of the things they do.
I don't know if I would call it low self esteem but my wife has so many issues with her body. I think a lot of it comes from comments her family makes. I try telling her how beautiful and desirable I find her but I don't think she believes me most of the time. Or she thinks I am just nuts.
This is an interesting question, I feel I suffer from this as well, logically I know that my life is up to me and my happiness as well.
But I think when things happen in your life we have a tendancy to blame ourselves somehow...
This happens in all parts of our lives not just relationships, although I have not lived the abusive type of relationship I can imagine there could be some question as to why someone else would treat us like this,maybe something we did wrong, or simply allowing them to treat us this way says something about our own self respect, I think we look at this a some kind of weakness inside ourselves. I think it feeds the concept over time that is all we must be worth to others.
I don't think our choices are wrongs ones in our hearts we go in thinking this is what we want, if it doesn't work out it isn't always about us alone.....
I think in terms of someone we love seeking out another partner is something that can throw your self esteem out the window, the comparisons are difficult not to think about, the whys, were we not enough is how we internalize this kind of situation.
I think the issue is more self respect than anything else, we simply cannot let anyone treat us in a demeaning way, it isn't right in our core and it puts the battle inside of us, the self esteem comes from us not thinking we deserve what we want........
so the pattern continues, and we settle for something less then respect and over the years and the many events in our lives it takes a toll on our inner self and we feel weak and helpless.
i think we all know the logic side of what is right and what we should really believe but it is hard in certain situations and affairs for a BS is one of those times a direct comparison takes place and that hurts........
respect is huge in this world it is what gives us confidence in ourselves when that is crushed so is our self worth.....
There is no doubt in my mind thoough that a cheating partner and/or abusive partner will take a toll on your SELF concept. However, you must respect yourself enough to know you deserve much better than someone who treats you poorly and isn't willing to make a relationship work together with you. You should give the same amount your partner does. If they consistently do not meet you haflway, it's time to go.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it wasn't for awhile until i realized what was going on. That it was not normal. It definitely changed something in me but I realized I didn't want to live like that forever. I think the biggest thing I had issues w/ afterward was expressing my anger. Because I was so used to getting shut down anytime I had a difference of opinion. That is no way to live. But I can now see, it wasn't healthy and I am better off than being with someone who constantly held me to a different standard than himself & was unwilling to compromise or to make the relationship work.
I have had (and still have) low self-esteem since about middle school to early high school. I have zero idea where it came from and even less how to fix it. It isn't from my family, I have loving/supportive parents (though my mom suffers from the same issues I think).
I was cheated on by my first wife but that only exacerbated the problem, I was already low-esteem. It is actually VERY frustrating. Everyone tells me how wonderful I am, how smart I am, whatever, but I just can't buy into it. Even this weekend my mother-in-law told me that she thought that of her 4 daughters, that my wife got the best one. And my therapist years ago told me that she thought I was one of the most well-adjusted people she had ever "treated". So I have NO freakin clue where it comes from or how to get rid of it. I HATE it.
Where did your low self esteem come from? From childhood? Maybe thats why people continually make poor choices in partners and life choices?
Did it come from being with a partner who was/is abusive in some way? Surely if you have been abused of any kind it will tear away at your self worth. Perhaps a cheating partner brought your esteem down? If you are no longer suffering from low self esteem, what changed? Do you feel once you got some self esteem you were able to make better choices in your life?
I just see so many people right now it seems with very little or no self esteem. I thin k its why they feel trapped or stuck in unhealthy marriages. I think if it were higher they might not put up with or tolerate some of the things they do.
I think I am a little of an Enigma... I believe I had some low self esteem in my teen years - I hated living with my step mother, I was not treated right but yet- it NEVER influenced my descions, or how I would let someone outside of what I could NOT control (at home) get at me. If that makes any sense.
When I was younger (preschool elementary), I can't say I was abused in any way, my Mom loved me, I have great memories of her & me baking cookies, taking me swimming, she was my best friend, she threw huge birthday parties that were a big hit , then when my parents divorced, I went to live with her. MY mother did not discipline me at all , and I WAS a little back talking MONSTER for 2 yrs. She had a nervous breakdown (not not cause of me) -probably because of many BAD choices she made (I think this is where I learned what NOT to do in life, my mother was very niave -did things to please others-not what she wanted ), and I was hauled off to my dads -with the step Mother who didnt want me there. The hard Discpline began. No longer could I get away with anything, I had to conform or I had harsh harsh punishments, once I was grounded for a month from seeing friends, talking on the phone, anything.
I was NOT popular in school or hung with a popular crowd. I was a country girl -didn't have the best clothes, wasn't a straight A student, never got braces, not into any activities -BUT I also was NEVER affected by Peer pressure of any kind. I always had friends, they were generally not real popular also but that didn't matter to me. I liked what I liked & didn't like what I didn't like & if someone asked, I gave it to them straight. I was pretty much always TRUE to myself. I have never done anything I did not want to do, even if I lost friends over it.
I always used to think of myself as less in others eyes, because of the things I mentioned above, but I don't really think I ever felt less of myself. I had dreams, and I felt so long as you have friends along the way, what else do you need. It always kind of bothers me when people make bad descions to be "liked" or accepted.
I just never had this struggle. I had other struggles, but never this one. I struggled to not be angry with my growing up years , about my mother leaving me, that she messed her life up so bad, dealing with my evil step mother etc. I think my friends were my solace back then. I never took any of my pain internally either, I always had someone to talk too, best friends, their mothers usually loved me, my grandmother, etc, so I know this helped.
When I met my boyfriend/husband at 15, whatever issues I had, he helped them all melt away, everything was easier just having a great guy enter my life.
I don't think people with self confidence (yet not arrogant, c0cky, etc.) can possibly understand your plight.
I desperately wish I could understand why my wife just can't be confident. It seems to be a choice.
It's important for people like me to read your struggles. It's good to know that many of you are perplexed or frustrated with yourselves. And it certainly doesn't help if confident partners get frustrated with you as well (and I fear I am guilty of this).
I don't think people with self confidence (yet not arrogant, c0cky, etc.) can possibly understand your plight.
I desperately wish I could understand why my wife just can't be confident. It seems to be a choice.
It's important for people like me to read your struggles. It's good to know that many of you are perplexed or frustrated with yourselves. And it certainly doesn't help if confident partners get frustrated with you as well (and I fear I am guilty of this).
Anyway... thank you for sharing.
OK knock me on the head with this one if you do not agree, but I also feel some of this can be a "temperment" issue, something that is with us since birth.
Introverted Phlegmatics , for example, are NOT the type to shine with enthusiastic confidence, taking on Leadership roles, picking up chicks with quick whitty lines, being the life of the party, even if they have had the best upbringing known to man, they generally won't come off as such, the most you will see is a very subtle likely passive quiet confidence, you might even miss it !
My husband is like this, I also have a son like this. I don't think either of them dislike themselves but they have struggled with feeling others do -cause they are not like the "popular" exciting people with friends falling at their feet. I encourage them to understand themselves and work on thier strengths.
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Here is indept study on our inborn temperments - drop down to the notable traits part , for example ... Fig Hunter - Temperaments
Cholorics are listed as "Proud, Strong & Confident" but they also can be angry , demanding & blaming .
Phlegmatics are listed as "shy, quiet, low confidence, avoids conflict" but they are the best listeners, trustworthy, do not seek their own personal glory (humble) & easy going.
Sanguines are generally "Outgoing, positive, extroverted, exciting" but also can be vain, narcissistic & unreliable.
Melancholys can be "critical, pessimistic, rejects others so they will not be rejected themselves, but they are the most creative, passionate, deep & thoughtful temperment.
I always believed you either had it or you didn't. Generally I think that is true but mine slipped in my midlife. I had a difficult childhood, I pulled myself up and out, got an education, built a career - I "made it" and everyone saw me as outgoing, strong willed, all the good stuff ......
LOL, I'm a (hopefully) a little wiser now. In mid-life a series of virtually random events occurred, one right after the other, the timing was unbelievable.
I thought I could handle anything but it takes a toll, none of us are invincible. Sadly, everyone thought I was so "together" I didn't need support. Sigh. My bad on that part, I was appalled and angry at being "abandoned", and yet my ego wouldn't let me ask for a shoulder.
I'm back to normal so to speak but it was a lesson for me, I assumed I could control everything in my life, that people that went through tough stuff somehow brought it on themselves.....
As for getting self-esteem, it is my nature admittedly, but pushing my limits in areas, trying things I "shouldn't do" for whatever reason, I had some wonderful experiences and successes.
Moments like that built me back up again, and I had a blast doing it. Scary at times yes, but worth it.
I believe self esteem comes from within, HOWEVER if you have a loving, supportive, understanding, and encouraging spouse, or a family member or even surround yourself with people who can help provide that, I think it can be quite helpful. After all, I think self esteem is something we were taught in childhood.
I think other people can play a role in helping to either build it up or help tear it down.
Low self esteem 
I HATE it.
