Emotionally Distant
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Old 07-06-2011, 10:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Emotionally Distant

I have been with my fiance for 2 years and I love her but she has some deep emotional problems. She was physically abused as a child and her (biological) father was in jail for some of her childhood, she was adopted as a toddler and didn't find out until she was a teenager. She hates physical contact like holding hands and showing affection for each other, but she has no problems with physical intimacy and our sex life is fine. She is emotionally distant and never talks about how she is feeling at all, never says I love you etc. I have tried to get her to see a counselor but she doesn't want to.
What is wrong with her and is there anything I can do to help her?
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Old 07-06-2011, 10:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotionally Distant

I hate to sound pessimistic, but she may never change. Especially if SHE does not want to change by overcoming the damage her childhood wound up causing her. On the upside, emotionally distant individuals tend to not like confrontation with those closest to them. So big arguments probably will happen very seldom, if they do at all.

Also, emotionally distant people will try every angle, even unknowingly, to get out of answering a question when asked how they feel.

Dialog scenario: (The names and family status have been changed to protect the innocent. LOL!!!)

John: “How do you feel about your parents moving out of state and away from you?”
Jane: “Well … Ya know, my mom is excited because she will be close to my sister and ……..”
John: “Ok. Now that you’ve told me how your mom and sister feel. How do you feel?”
Jane: Briefly looks John in the eyes, and then looks away to change the subject.
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Last edited by TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore; 07-06-2011 at 11:24 PM.
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Old 07-07-2011, 12:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotionally Distant

Without intending to sound flip, I think you should count your blessings that she takes care of you in the bedroom and not worry so much about holding hands or public displays of affection. Imagine if it were the reverse.
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Old 07-07-2011, 01:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Emotionally Distant

All you can do is just try your best to understand why she is emotionally distant and be there for her. But there comes a point though that her hiding from the issue will really start to strain your relationship and at which point, you should let her know. My husband was very understanding with my issues for years until he finally said, "You need to get help because I cannot help you and if you ocntinue to be like this, I will have no choice but to ignore it since you won't do anything about it to fix it." Yes it was a very bold move on his part but it made me think that my behavior was not only affecting him, but it was REALLY putting a strain on my emotional and physical well being.

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's very much you can do for her but be supportive. Real change comes from WANTING to change and then seeking professional help TO change.

I'm still working on it everyday and will be for quite some time but I now KNOW what my issues are, where they stem from and the necessary tools to fix it.

Best of luck to you Dr.
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