General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. As all couples do I'm sure, we started out hot and heavy, and slowly drifted to being intimate once a month, once every 2 months and so on. We had a baby girl in Oct of 10, after that the sex just went straight down hill. I am 30, she is 29, and we act like were are dead in the veins. I tell her all the time that I am still extremely attracted to her and in desperate need of sexual attention and she acts like she couldn't give a **** about my sexual needs. She is a fantastic mother, I know she is not cheating on me, but my question is, if she knows how bad I want to have sex, or oral sex, or atleast acknowledge that I have a penis, why does she completely ignore it? Sex is the only thing I ask for, why can't I have a little? Im not asking for 5 times a week, maybe once a month, but no. Are all women this crazy?
So, if you go do some research you will see that it is very common. For a new mother there can be a lot of factors involved - hormonal fluctuations, body image changes, fear of getting pregnant again, fatigue. Some of it is simply biological - nature's way of ensuring a new mom doesn't get pregnant again so they have the energy resources to devote to taking care of their baby. If your wife is breast-feeding, that can also contribute. The hormones secreted during lactation naturally depress libido - again nature's way of trying to ensure the new mom's resources are devoted to caring for baby.
However, what is your wife's thoughts in all of this? Is she willing to meet you somewhere in the middle - even using only her hand/mouth if that's acceptable to you guys? It's very easy for a new mother to be totally unaware of what it is like for her husband to have a new celibacy enforced upon him. You need to let your wife know how much you want to re-connect with her. Try and ensure she is getting adequate rest and help, take her out sometimes without the baby, let her know you care about her and love her, and let her know that you want to be passionate with her again.
The other thing I wanted to mention is how are you approaching your wife? Are you smothering her with requests for attention and sex? That usually doesn't work very well with women. As well, what were you doing in the beginning for her when sex was frequent that you aren't doing now? Many women lose interest in their partners because their partner loses interest in treating them with the same level of care and concern they did in the beginning.
Thank you for the feedback people. @Enchantment, the more I think about it, yes I am really smothering her with requests, I'm sure she's quite disgusted with it actually. In the beginning we would of that vibe that 'its time'. Whether it was AM/PM, we had the urge together. Some days I try and let her know sympathetically how I feel, some days it just turns into an argument and then I know I'm even further away from where I started. Im honestly to shy to tell her what a freak I am and want it everyday ) so I end up just getting frustrated and storming off etc...However, I appreciate the tips from both of you and will defenitely put them to use and see where this goes! Thanks again!
Conrad also gave you a good link to some threads that you should go out and peruse. You shouldn't feel bad or ashamed about your desire for sex with your wife. That's a pretty normal, healthy thing. Respect the time of life your wife may be going through with your new baby, but don't give up on pursuing the intimacy you would like. Sexual intimacy between a married couple is very important.
One thing also to remember. She may want to have another child some day.
I'm always amazed at the number of guys stuck in sexless relationships that will "go along" with the 2nd or 3rd child without even mentioning their issues with the physical relationship.
One thing also to remember. She may want to have another child some day.
I'm always amazed at the number of guys stuck in sexless relationships that will "go along" with the 2nd or 3rd child without even mentioning their issues with the physical relationship.
It's mind-boggling.
@ wineoh ~
This is true. If you "go along" with the status quo, then your wife will likely believe that things are okay and not be motivated to make any change.
It's not really an excuse, but it's not easy for a woman to really understand a man's drive (well, and vice versa too.) I don't believe there's that same urgency in a woman that there is in a man - for her it's more emotional maybe than physical urge, and it can be highly variable.
But if the foundation between you is strong, that urgency can be created in the wife. At least, that's the way it seems to work with my husband and me.
Wow, you guys truely have great advice, again I can't thank you enough for taking the time out to reply here. When I get the nerve to go through all this with her, do you think it would be best to tell her that I have been seeking advice via this website, or should I just come up with a game plan all on my own? @ conrad, you are absolutely right, she does want another child someday soon, and as much as I would love another child as well, I dont want to lose intimacy with my wife, as little as it is. I just really want to flat out tell her, that I'm a horny young man (sorry to be so blunt ) and I'm not ready to be so dead in bed. I've asked her in the past questions like, is it me? Am I bad in bed? Are you not attracted to me anymore? etc...she reassures that its nothing like that, but I believe its an amalgamation of all. I hope I'm wrong. I would never cheat on my wife, but I would consider a seperation/divorce if this keeps up. I just really can't take it any longer. But I'm having faith both of your replys will give me some courage to continue this battle! Thank you again and again for your time and mind.
I wouldn't tell your wife with words, I would show her with your actions.
Let her know that you want to get your relationship and intimate life back in order before you would have another baby.
It may be a balance to ensure your wife doesn't complain that all she's good for is sex, but if you treat her respectfully and you are confident and calm, you can do it!
If you are in to reading, here are some other sources that I see recommended a lot:
Keep reading. The time for a real conversation draws nigh.
It would go something like this, "I see another child is a priority for you. Do you think often about what my priorities in this relationship might be? And, if so, what do you think they are?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by wineoh
Wow, you guys truely have great advice, again I can't thank you enough for taking the time out to reply here. When I get the nerve to go through all this with her, do you think it would be best to tell her that I have been seeking advice via this website, or should I just come up with a game plan all on my own? @ conrad, you are absolutely right, she does want another child someday soon, and as much as I would love another child as well, I dont want to lose intimacy with my wife, as little as it is. I just really want to flat out tell her, that I'm a horny young man (sorry to be so blunt ) and I'm not ready to be so dead in bed. I've asked her in the past questions like, is it me? Am I bad in bed? Are you not attracted to me anymore? etc...she reassures that its nothing like that, but I believe its an amalgamation of all. I hope I'm wrong. I would never cheat on my wife, but I would consider a seperation/divorce if this keeps up. I just really can't take it any longer. But I'm having faith both of your replys will give me some courage to continue this battle! Thank you again and again for your time and mind.
I just really want to flat out tell her, that I'm a horny young man (sorry to be so blunt ) and I'm not ready to be so dead in bed. I've asked her in the past questions like, is it me? Am I bad in bed? Are you not attracted to me anymore? etc...she reassures that its nothing like that, but I believe its an amalgamation of all.
Something is up. Ask her why her libido is so low. Tell her you are dying for sex. She is your wife and should help you out there. You guys haven't been married that long to not be having sex.
What is up is she will tell him she still wants sex but that it's not her job, never will be and she'd just as soon never have sex again than take an active part in it.
What is up is she will tell him she still wants sex but that it's not her job, never will be and she'd just as soon never have sex again than take an active part in it.
BTDT.
And if she says that, then he can decide whether he wants to live in a marriage where his needs are not being met and she doesn't feel it's her "job" to have sex with him or end the marriage altogether.
Sexless Marriage... 
) so I end up just getting frustrated and storming off etc...However, I appreciate the tips from both of you and will defenitely put them to use and see where this goes! Thanks again!
Re: Sexless Marriage... 
