lonely married, scared to divorce
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Old 07-10-2011, 11:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
CDB
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Default lonely married, scared to divorce

I've been married to my husband for almost 3 years, together for 7. We do not have children. We have seen a counselor since January. In the last year, I've found that my husband is a liar. They are not lies of infidelity, he's never cheated on me. He lies about our financial situation, and his job status, and our general stability and well being.
We also do not have much of a sex life. He never initiates sex. If we have it, it's because I've initiated. Lately, if we actually have sex, it's awful. We have sex maybe once every three or four months. This problem started a year into our relationship and has progressively gotten worse.
Communication is a huge problem for him. I am a very open and honest person, and I'll admit that I most likely want to talk too much. I try not to push him, but there are times when I feel we need to discuss our situation. He shuts down, gets defensive, and doesn't speak. He never suggests anything to help our problem. Our talks always end up being me lecturing him, which is never what I've intended.
I'm not happy with the relationship. I want a relationship that is open, honest, and intimate. I do not trust him, I find myself checking up on him all the time. I hate that I've become a snooper. I want to be loved by someone, respected by someone. I want to have someone who trusts me enough to share everything with me, good and bad.
Most days I know that I want to leave him, but every now and then I find myself second guessing myself. What if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist? What if I'm being too hard on him? What if I'm the one that makes him feel he has to lie? What if I'm the one that is making the relationship turn for the worse? He doesn't talk to me so I don't know what I'm doing wrong and therefore can't fix my faults. Leaving him could mean that I don't find anyone else to spend the rest of my life with and I won't have the family that I've always wanted.
I'm scared that I'm making the wrong decision. Is it normal to know you want a divorce but still have fears that I'm only jumping from one lonely situation to another? Am I asking too much of my husband? Is this just a case of me not being able to adjust to my husband's personality? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-11-2011, 01:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: lonely married, scared to divorce

CDB - I don't have much advice, but I can say that I'm in kind of the same situation myself. My husband hasn't lied, and he does provide very well financially for our family. But he literally will not talk to me. Anything more emotional than "Please pass the salt" and he shuts down completely. As I've said in other posts, my husband has the emotional range of a brick, and I could have a better conversation with a pet rock than my husband. Throw in 2 teenagers and almost 23 years of marriage, and no communication isn't working too well for me either.

Sorry I don't know what to tell you, but I just wanted you to know that there are others out there who have communication problems that are a major problem in their marriage. I just started reading the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" to see if it'll help me figure out whether to stick it out or decide that I can't live with someone anymore who isn't able to talk with me.

Hang in there, keep reading posts here and asking questions... What to do is something that only you can decide, but it sure helps to have others to bounce ideas off of and to be able to talk to people who will actually respond to you!
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: lonely married, scared to divorce

Thank you Avalon. I think I might go read that book. I know that I don't want to start a family with a man that I do not trust and can not have a conversation with. I also know that I would really like to have children. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to get into a situation like this. It wasn't this bad, but there were issues before we got married. I shouldn't married him. Our relationship makes me frustrated and sad. It does help to know that I'm not the only one dealing with a husband like this, although I am sorry you have to. I appreciate you taking the time to leave me a message. I hope things get better for you and reading the book helps you with your decision.
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:38 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: lonely married, scared to divorce

My advice: Take it upon yourself to give your marriage and your husband the absolute, total, 110% best effort you can for a finite time period. Tell him your doing so, and want him to do the same, but whether he does or doesn't, you do so.

Then after that time period, step back and assess your feelings.
My point is, if you choose to walk away, I believe you owe it to yourself to be able to look in the mirror and say "I've given this my very best effort but could not make it work".
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: lonely married, scared to divorce

I agree that you should give the marriage your best shot. Quit lecturing him, even though he is not entering into a discussion, which seems to encourage this dynamic. Just walk away if he refuses to engage.

Also, you are basing a lot of your doubts as to whether to leave on WHAT IF rather than WHAT IS. What is: he lies, he's defensive, he doesn't initiate sex, you're not happy, and most days you want to leave the relationship ... but, WHAT IF.

Deal with what you have in the here and now. Do what you can to improve the situation. JMO, but having a spouse lie about the "financial situation" in these economic times, would make me feeling quite nervous. I don't exactly what he's lying about when you mention finances, but if he's spending lots of money, I'd want to know what he's spending it on.
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: lonely married, scared to divorce

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Originally Posted by CDB View Post
It wasn't this bad, but there were issues before we got married.
Whatever issues there were before are exacerbated after marriage.

How is counselling going? It takes two to make a marriage work, both have to put forth an effort. Have you asked him what you can do to help the marriage?

My advice is to NOT get pregnant until you have this resolved with him.

Sex every 3 to 4 months in a new marriage is not normal, IMO.
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Old 07-11-2011, 11:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: lonely married, scared to divorce

Been there, done that. And I agree with everyone 100%. Give it your best shot, no matter if he engages or not. In the meantime, boost your confidence level by improving yourself and YOUR life...in spite of him. That doesn't sound very loving, but the whole marriage isn't very loving right now anyway.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

That helped me.... alot. You can't change him. You can change yourself, and you can accept that some things there is nothing you can do about. And I think... with acceptance, comes wisdom.

I met my new husband in an MLC chatroom. What drew me to him in the first place.... he TALKS!!! And talks, and talks.... I LOVE IT!!! We talked in chat for about a year before we met. We talked every day long distance for about another year.... and then I moved 1100 mile to be with him. He talks, he listens, he flirts, he's open and honest... and he makes love....ALOT! I didn't know if these guys were out there either. And I wasn't actually looking. You have to be ok with yourself, love yourself... before you will be "available" for anyone else! It does take time....but I wanted you to know that these guys ARE out there, and they are looking for the same things. You just have to recognize what YOU want, and what your choices are.

Last edited by SunnyT; 07-11-2011 at 11:07 AM. Reason: to add
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Old 07-11-2011, 12:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: lonely married, scared to divorce

Wow, thank you everyone! You've all helped me so much.

2xloser- I do feel that I am giving 110%. It is difficult for me to give up. However, now that you've said this, I realize I can look myself in the mirror and feel that I've given it my best effort, which makes things a bit easier for me. I've asked him once before how much he feels he's putting into our relationship and he said 80%, which made me feel like he doesn't really care.

Prodigal- you are right. I didn't realize that I was basing my doubts on What if's instead of what is. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I am going to do my best to live in the present and work with the information that I have at the moment.

The lies that he has told are pretty heavy ones but it doesn't involve him spending a load of money. Although I have found credit cards that I was not aware of and two of them have gone to collections. The lie that tipped the boat for me was this past April. My doctors discovered a large tumor on my ovary and I had to go through surgery. The insurance I was using had run out, 5 months earlier, I didn't know. He had told me we still had it. He claims it was an oversight on his part and that he didn't know it had run out. After talking to the insurance company, I can't understand how he didn't know he didn't pay enough for the insurance. I must have an angel watching over me because things worked out and in the end I was covered by a different insurance for the surgery. That's the problem though, he says these huge lies and then someone or something bails him out so I find my way past them. These are only some of the lies, there have been several much like them. We are now in a huge financial hole and he can't find permanent work. I feel that I learn something new about him every week.

Jellybeans- I don't know what was wrong with me, I thought I was smarter than to think things would change after marriage. Counseling was okay. He did really well opening up to her and talking so it looked like he was making progress, but he never brought it outside of the office. She would assign him homework and he would never complete it. We are in a very huge financial hole right now and unfortunately cannot afford counseling any longer. We haven't been in over two months. I didn't think our sex life was normal. Thank you for confirming that!

Sunny T- I think that quote is what will get me through this. I'm going to write it down and read it every night. Thank you so much for reassuring me that what I want isn't far fetched. I'm glad you were able to find someone to make you happy. I hope I can do the same.

Thank you! What amazing advice and incite you've all given me. You are all awesome. It feels so much better have someone to talk to about this. Just talking lifts a huge weight off my shoulders.
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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R u ladies still there? I need help too. I have a number nine years old daughter that is my life. I lost both my parents around 40 yrs old and it's just me my husband and daughter - no family on his side they are like aqunantences we see once a year. He lies about everything. I don't even know if he's working and feel totally unloved. My daughter adores him and he is good to her. Whenever I ask or confront about anything he lashes out and blames the world. I can't talk with anyone because he says it's no one else's business. I'm so sad and alone. I love my girl and want her to be in a home where she is loved.... We both love her... But we fight all the time. It's getting harder not to cry in front of her. He wont go to counseling I know ow that. I feel so alone and even at 45 feel lost. Oh I sound like such a loser. I really don't know what to do. Tonight he decided he's not coming on our family vacation tomorrow - a cottage rental for a week. She'll cry and again I'll need to deal with it on my own and am scared he'll be mad if I said the wrong thing to her. I don't believe in divorce but I am so unhappy - crying as I type this. Is there anyone out there? What do ido?
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Old 07-27-2012, 11:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It sounds to me as if he has Avoidant Personality Disorder. Have you looked into that?
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Old 07-28-2012, 03:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Lizzy start a new thread so posters can offer you advice please. That way CDB's thread isn't mixed up with your!

CDB this situation would be very frustrating for me, its hard to trust someone you can't respect. Its hard to love them too. Have you two talked about the finances at all? Planning, budgeting, future goals?
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Old 07-28-2012, 03:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzy66 View Post
R u ladies still there? I need help too. I have a number nine years old daughter that is my life. I lost both my parents around 40 yrs old and it's just me my husband and daughter - no family on his side they are like aqunantences we see once a year. He lies about everything. I don't even know if he's working and feel totally unloved. My daughter adores him and he is good to her. Whenever I ask or confront about anything he lashes out and blames the world. I can't talk with anyone because he says it's no one else's business. I'm so sad and alone. I love my girl and want her to be in a home where she is loved.... We both love her... But we fight all the time. It's getting harder not to cry in front of her. He wont go to counseling I know ow that. I feel so alone and even at 45 feel lost. Oh I sound like such a loser. I really don't know what to do. Tonight he decided he's not coming on our family vacation tomorrow - a cottage rental for a week. She'll cry and again I'll need to deal with it on my own and am scared he'll be mad if I said the wrong thing to her. I don't believe in divorce but I am so unhappy - crying as I type this. Is there anyone out there? What do ido?
YOu should start your own thread that focuses on your needs.

Why not go on the family vacation, just you and your daughter. Have a good time with her and get away from your problems for a few days?
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:31 AM   #13 (permalink)
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OMG. It's like you are my twin! Sounds EXACTLY like my life. I think the sex thing has a lot to do with it. SUre there are other issues, but people don't realize what sexual frustration can do to a relationship. We had this issue and it took years to figure it out. I thought he didn't like sex and that he sucked at it. Turns out, he was so self concious and with such low self esteem that he couldn't do it. So, I started paying more attention to my reactions. A little bit of exaggeration goes a long way. I started initiating more. Once he realized I liked it, he got better. He got bolder. Now it's pretty good. I still have to do most of the initiating, but it's a lot better. Find out what his secret it. There is something he wants. It can be like a game.
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