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Old 07-13-2011, 08:45 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook Kills Relationships

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Do you think the average person out there is aware of this? That when they get that warm fuzzy they are in a danger zone?
My stance these days is to not even let myself get to the warm fuzzy. Call me old fashioned but I know now I've got no business having any kind of intimate conversations with men. Period end of story.
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Old 07-13-2011, 08:47 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook Kills Relationships

Another way FB makes things easier - used to be kind of hard to find those "old flames" that we all used to wonder about from time to time.

And yes - ultimately - if your spouse is spending hours and hours doing ANYTHING that seems like a waste of time, and puts space in between you - even if it really is just Farmville - then you need to get moving and figure out how to bring things back together.

The Person who cheats is always responsible for their own actions. Its like the old "guns don't kill people, people kill people." But if I wanted to kill someone - a gun sure would come in handy. Or - if I was drunk or angry or out of control - I'm a lot more dangerous with that gun than without it.

Facebook facilitates and makes things easier. And its an easy, innocent enough looking "front" for them to hide behind when they start to drift into that fog.
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Old 07-13-2011, 08:48 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook Kills Relationships

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My stance these days is to not even let myself get to the warm fuzzy. Call me old fashioned but I know now I've got no business having any kind of intimate conversations with men. Period end of story.
I would echo this.

IF you find yourself anticipating interacting with a member of the opposite sex on a regular/daily basis. This means regular phone calls, texting, facebook, whatever, you should ALWAYS ask yourself why.

What are you getting from it?

And, if something is missing from your primary relationship, go to your partner and discuss it.

Getting into a "normal" routine where you get up, drop the kids off, come back home, plop down on Facebook and chat with an individual daily?

Would you accept that from your spouse?

Of course you wouldn't.
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Old 07-13-2011, 09:04 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook Kills Relationships

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Yes, I guess the person with more integrity will recognize this and nip it in the bud.

I guess we have to get used to the new reality in this world. Temptation is creeping closer and closer to us, we just have to figure out how to deal with it. I mean as a kid I was "intrigued" by porn. I saw some magazines. Now, I can't imagine what I would have done had I had the internet. Not blaming internet!
You would look at porn. Big deal.
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Old 07-14-2011, 12:31 AM   #35 (permalink)
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I disagree completely. Facebook can and often is the problem. Neglect to deal with it at your own peril.
Lol, how can anybody possibly blame facebook for somebody cheating? Facebook is not the one contacting people, the user is,

So I guess if I phone my ex and have an affair I should blame the telephone? If I text messege my ex I should blame text messeging?

If I write her a letter I should blame the post office? Or maybe its the mail mans fault I had an affair because he delivered the letter?

Or maybe my car is to blame because that's how I got there?

Or maybe I should blame the guy at the hotel because he rented me the room?

Lol!!
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Old 07-14-2011, 02:09 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook Kills Relationships

When I had problems in my marriage, but before I knew he was havng an EA, sometimes I would Google old BFs. I didn't have facebook, and I didn't want to get in touch. I was just thinking, wondering how their lives had turned out. I could see their houses on Google earth. I knew some of their phone numbers, and if they were married. Kinda stalker-ish. I know. But I never called, or drove past, or emailed. Of, course, geek hubby searched my history (because he was up to no good, and so assumed I was too.) And he probably thinks I was doing stuff I wasn't. We were both wrong for typing instead of working on our marriage. But bottom line is, I could have made contact, and I repeatedly chose not to. Everything is a choice.
Including the choice to be a doormat after discovery, which I also made.
To friend or not to friend. Think twice, Urich.
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Old 07-14-2011, 04:49 AM   #37 (permalink)
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I know we blame the person not FB and I am with you. However, a lot of cheating spouses are not horrible people. I think the biggest problem is that people do not understand their ownbrain chemistry. Most of the cheating spouses probably did not set out to cheat. Dopamine is a powerful thing, once you get a little shot you will have no choice, your brain will want you to seek out more of that. I think it can be somewhat similar trying not to eat for a long time. Eventually you will lose control and eat. Why? You lose control because your brain takes over. Poor analogy but makes the point,
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“Emotional Intelligence: includes self-awareness and impulse control, zeal and motivation, empathy and social deftness. These are the qualities that mark people who excel: whose relationships flourish, who are stars in the workplace.”. From Emotional Intelligence (Daniel Goleman).

Impulse control is the thing, self discipline, breaking bad habits. Blaming Facebook, is well, just blaming something else for a lack of impulse control, a lack of self discipline. Bit like a smoker blaming nicotine for their smoking habit. All they need do is so no to themselves the next time they get the impulse for a smoke. Or the alcoholic for the impulse for the next drink, or the disloyal the impulse for the next contact.

I think it’s a madness to blame Facebook in anyway whatsoever. We could all go there with affairs. Some of us don’t because we value some things more than others. Things like honesty, credibility and integrity.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:34 AM   #38 (permalink)
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My favorite definition of integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking.
That's a good definition.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:41 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Everyone thinks they are different, it won't happen to them. They believe they can control it and it will never get out of hand. That's why the line "just friends" is used so often even after the relationship has turned to an EA. Then when all hell breaks loose they wonder how things could have gone so wrong. I guess I'm saying there is no end to our ability to deceive ourselves.
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:11 AM   #40 (permalink)
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I don't think you can blame FB for any affairs but it does facilitate the whole process. And as someone has said, it is very easy to fool ourselves into thinking it is nothing and yet it can lead into something.

I am not much for quoting the Bible but this may be relevant here:
"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" (Matthew 6:13) Why even let yourself be tempted by it? Ask yourself this question: if your cheating spouse, whom you reconciled with, was spending a lot of time on FB, would you not be concerned? It is certainly a tool that can be abused.
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Old 07-14-2011, 10:42 AM   #41 (permalink)
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I believe that guns don't kill people, people kill people. I believe in the 2nd amendment but I still recognize there has to be a limit somewhere. Full automatic with huge clip?(although this is not as much a threat as Hollywood would have you believe) Not so much. Hand-grenades? Nope. It is a matter how many people you can kill at once with little effort. Facebook in a small way is similar--just a more lethal facilitator than existed before. Just sayin'.
speaking my lingo I agree with this.

FB isn't the only facilitator either...there's a ton of things that exist now to be the grenade...
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Old 07-14-2011, 12:51 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook Kills Relationships

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I believe that guns don't kill people, people kill people. I believe in the 2nd amendment but I still recognize there has to be a limit somewhere. Full automatic with huge clip?(although this is not as much a threat as Hollywood would have you believe) Not so much. Hand-grenades? Nope. It is a matter how many people you can kill at once with little effort. Facebook in a small way is similar--just a more lethal facilitator than existed before. Just sayin'.
It's really not, and that's a stretch. People sit down and make these decisions. Pre-Facebook people were still cheating on their spouses. They might not have done it with an ex, but it was still done regardless. And while it's true that Facebook might make it easier, but you have to think if you're going to cheat, why be in that position? How are they going to know if you are upset with your husband or wife? And why are you talking to them?
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Old 07-14-2011, 04:03 PM   #43 (permalink)
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People have always found ways to cheat. When I was a little girl in the 50's I would watch out my bedroom window and I could see the husband's car pull out and a little while later, the boyfriend's car would pull in. I think people who are open to cheating, even on an unconcious level, must give off pheramones or something. If a guy has a fight with his wife and leaves the house to cool of with a drink, sure as sh!t there will be some women who senses his trouble and is after him. I read somewhere that weakness on the internet draws bloodsuckers like a corpse draws flies.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:04 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Facebook Kills Relationships

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Ok, but would a crack addict store crack in his cupboard? Does an alcoholic keep wine in his cellar? Whenever a little crack emerges in a relationship, there is Facebook. I can log on and chat with an an ex-bf/gf and forget about working on my marriage, just chat about the "good times". It is an insidious little beast that will destroy marriages, don't kid yourself.
You must also blame text, email, phoning, etc. People will make their choices and once they do, they will use whatever is available to follow through. And yes, some crack addicts keep it stored in their houses as a reminder of what they are trying to change. Alcoholics may leave a bottle on the counter. Whether or not they CHOOSE to use it is the point. Even if you ditch the computer, or remove texting from your phone, it isn't like you can't get access somewhere else. Blaming the means is only an excuse and a passing of responsibility of the person. It's like saying "im not responsible for messaging my ex. the computer was there, if it wasn't it wouldn't have happened." people need to stop blaming anyone and anyTHING except themselves for the decisions they make.
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Old 07-14-2011, 07:10 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Exactly!!!

Facebook is not the one searching for people, and facebook is not the one writing messeges or adding friends, the USER IS!!!!

I guess if somebody calls up their ex and cheats we should blame the telephone? Lol!

Facebook is there, but nobody is forcing the user to use it AT ALL!!!! That is the users choice and decision!!!!

That is like blaming your car because you got a speeding ticket! Lol! Nobody forced you to drive or speed, that was YOUR CHOICE!!!!
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WHOLEHEARTEDLY!
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