07-12-2011, 11:38 AM
Join Date: Jan 2010
| | Re: My husband no longer loves me
Everyone who has an affair, like your husband, immediately changes their 'perception' of their marriage. Suddenly, the instant someone else enters the picture, they 'don't really love you' any more. Trust us; we've seen the exact same story hundreds of times.
What he's really telling you is that his Other Woman is meeting some of his needs, and you are meeting other needs. You either have to get rid of the OW, or walk away; he will never recommit to you while she is still in the picture. And yes, he DID start an affair - an emotional affair. Usually worse than physical ones, because he thinks he loves her.
Affair fog is the rationalization all affairees spew once their affair starts. It's called a script because they all say the same things. It's called a fog because it's like they're looking at you, the marriage, but through an affair-induced fog, so they can't see it clearly any longer. The affair fogs their vision so that the OW looks wonderful (right, cheating with a married man...wonderful; but HE doesn't see her that way), and YOU look like spoiled meat. You simply CANNOT REASON WITH HIM until she is gone. Accept that.
Now, to get him back you have to try to get proof first. Do you have phone records you can print out? Copies of emails? Other evidence? Here's what you do:
Get the evidence.
Tell him you know he's cheating on you, ask him to stop and honor the marriage.
When he refuses (he's not going to let you take away his affair crackpipe), you find his #1 important person - best friend, dad, mom, brother, sister - and go to that person and tell them that he's cheating on you. Ask them to talk to him. Sometimes that's all it takes - he doesn't want to lose their respect.
Find OW's husband and/or parents and contact them and tell them that she is cheating with a married man, ask them to get her to stop. He will be mad; ignore his fog babble - it's the ramblings of a drug addict.
If he still refuses to quit, you call up or visit his remaining important people, and let THEM know what he's doing.
Sit back and hope they contact him. Do not deny telling them. Tell him you are fighting for your marriage and nothing else! Do NOT get sucked into an argument. It won't work with a drug addict.
Wait and see if the affair implodes; meanwhile take a good hard look at YOUR side of the marriage. Fix everything you find you could have done differently. Don't give him any excuses to blame this on you. Read His Needs Her Needs by Harley on how to make your marriage the best it can be. This is called Plan A.
Continue Plan A for no more than 2 months; if he doesn't pull his head out of his rear, make plans to separate, as the affair will take longer to fall apart. You do NOT want to be hanging around waiting. The #1 most powerful way to get your husband to want YOU, is to leave him. To deny him you. So he can't eat cake. Plus, it preserves your sanity and self esteem.
This plan is the best hope you have of getting your husband back, and it has to start with removing OW from the picture.