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Spouse takes phone calls at all hours

2K views 11 replies 9 participants last post by  As'laDain 
#1 ·
Hello Everyone,

This is a great site, very helpful information.

I would love some advice. Married for 8 years, a blended family,, we have one high schooler at home. For years, it's been a conflict that my husband will take phone calls during the family dinner. Or, we'll be very very close to finishing dinner and he'll excuse himself to make a call (to his brother, nephew, exc.)

Unfortunately, his brother died 3 months ago :-( My sister in law "Trudy" is having a hard time. We often get phone calls from Trudy's daughter saying "Trudy is very upset, wishes she had died with her husband, but won't go to a counselor/grief support" Everyone offers to go see Trudy, dine with her, exc. but she of course is still grieving.
Tonight husband's cell phone rang 3 times in a row during dinner, so he hopped up to answer. (in middle of meal) It was Trudy's daughter saying Trudy is upset again/Trudy had bad day.-- Trudy's daughter wanted to vent -- that is fine with me, but why couldn't DH finish dinner THEN return the call?
---Husband missed all of dinner, then threw his food away saying lost his appetite. **My point - of course we all love our families, but I have asked husband over and over "can we have a 10 min. dinner with our teenager (family time) and not take phone calls"
Tonight he said he stayed on phone long time during dinner as it was "Family crisis" w/Trudy. ..I said am tired of family dinner being interrupted, I want a short family dinner, he said that I am being selfish as it was a 'crisis" and I'm "thinking of myself" I said well can you go visit Trudy tomorrow/offer to help her find grief support, exc. - He said no, that she'll refuse. So why is it a "Crisis" and my dh let the phone call ruin his dinner/ruin his mood/make me and son wonder "What's going on on the phone, is someone ill?" I feel there should be boundaries. PS Trudy's deceased husband was unhappy with her, said she was a hypochondriac, exc, I don't mean that in cruel way, I mean does my DH really want to take over being there for daily calls that stress him/cancel our dinner/and Trudy doesn't want help? Am I *wrong* to want a 10 min. family dinner with no phone calls? help...
 
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#2 ·
I get that your husband is still grieving and probably feeling responsible for his brother's family.

But I agree with you. It's time that these non-emergencies be recognized for what they are.. attempts to get attention.

You way that it's always Trudy's daughter calling, not Trudy herself. How old is this daughter? And why does she seem to need so much attention from your husband? Unless she's a teen, I'd wonder what's going on between them. Why does he have to get up and leave when he's talking to her?

Are you every involved in these crisis? If I were you, I'd Call up Trudy's daughter and offer your help. Tell her that your husband is so busy so please call you, let you know what she needs. Her response could be very telling. If she blows you off and then calls your husband.. be concerned, very concerned.

You are upset because he's making/taking calls during dinner. I think that there might very well be more to it.

Do you hear any of the conversation?
 
#3 ·
Also, I want to move your thread to the General Relationship Discussion forum. This forum gets very little traffic. That's why it took so long for you to get a reply. Just let me know and I'll move it.
 
#4 ·
Thank you! Please move it - thank you for your feedback -- Trudy's daughter is my husband's niece-- she is 45 and my husband is 50 - they are relatives and like brother and sister -- the only reason he left room is his phone was charging in other room. I do hear their calls other times and is legit....they are blood relatives. Sometimes other relatives call about Trudy (Trudy herself doesn't call much as she feels more comfy talking to her own daughter than my dh - my dh gets impatient). It really is purely a situation of he feels he always has to answer the phone. Sometimes it's his sister calling, not just Trudy's daughter....
 
#5 ·
I moved the thread. Would have done it earlier but I had an emergency with one of my dogs today. Poor guy got something in his ear and it was swollen up like a balloon.

Ok, good to hear that there is nothing going on.

My bet is that the phone calls will stop with time. 3 months after his brother dying is a very short time.

I perhaps you can tell him that you support him 100% in helping his niece and SIL. But that you also want family time. So if your niece calls during dinner, he could send her a text telling her that he will call her back in 20 minutes as he's eating dinner.
 
#6 ·
Well, he sounds like he likes to be needed. I am presuming that he knows of her condition.

Since he will not listen. You and the family detach. With his focus elsewhere, his attention is divided with work, home life, and now his dysfunctional deceased brother's family. It will take away your quality time and the family needs to live around him like he will not be there mentally. He is actually neglecting the family to some extent, and weakening that family bond.

Ask him to see a couple's counselor with you, and if he refuses, you start living your life if he were a part-time husband and father.

His niece knows that she can always call him and use him as a crutch. The problem is nothing is worked on or solved, thus the repeat on him placing his chosen family aside.

Do you feel like you have enough quality time? And yes, it does seem intrusive. If the issue cannot be solved, it is like pouring water down a drain without filling the sink. Not to mention, this is beyond your husband's capacity to handle. He may have his own issue of wanting to fix something, except he lacks the tools in this case.
 
#7 ·
Your request is absolutely not unreasonable. Your teenager isn't allowed to use the phone at the table, right? I think a family rule of "all phones on silent, and on the table in the hallway" during dinner is COMPLETELY reasonable!! Your husband should feel lucky this is your only "demand." :)
 
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#8 ·
100% agree. I understand your husbands need to support his brother's family, and I honestly don't think you have a problem with that...from what you've written I feel that your problem isn't with what your husband is doing, it's what he's NOT doing - giving his own, immediate family some quality time.

You are absolutely being reasonable, institute a new rule, starting today that ALL phones be switched to silent for half an hour during dinner. Nothing wrong with that at all.
 
#9 ·
Frusdil hit it on the head. Turn off the phones.

People are trained like Pavlov's dog to answer a ringing phone.

Ma Bell must have had some excellent psychologists.
 
#10 ·
Regarding training, your husband should tell his SIL / niece that he will call them as 8pm / after dinner at a specific time / whatever and stick to that.

And these calls should be contingent upon their getting therapy as well.

Hopefully, that will wean them off your husband and not ruin dinner time.
 
#11 ·
I disagree with everyone here. Your husband and his family are still grieving. I would be extremely frustrated with my spouse if she did not give me enough time to grieve the loss of a family member. If this is his/their coping mechanism, then I think you should be supportive and honour it.
 
#12 ·
Three months?

Yikes. It took me a couple years to recover from losing a close friend, right before redeploying.

I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a brother...
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