Texting an Ex
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Old 07-12-2011, 03:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Texting an Ex

I'm new on here, but I'm feeling so lost. I hope someone can help me. I've been married for two months, but things seem to be falling apart so quickly. The very day we returned from our honeymoon my husband's ex sent him a text, and he replied. EIGHTY SIX text messages and the next day, they ended their conversation. He didn't tell me he was having this conversation, even though I was right there in the room. I saw the phone bill, and the extreme number of texts going back & forth, so I called the number to see who this was, it went to voicemail and I found it was his ex-girlfriend - I forgot to add that there were also pictures being exchanged. He claims she was asking him about the wedding. And he was asking about her son. He swears the pictures were of the wedding and her kid. OH - KAY - if it was all so innocent, why not just mention it to me? I let it go, because his explanation seemed reasonable.

Flash forward a month, he texts her this time. Supposedly because she left him a message on Facebook. And he had to tell her not to do that because I'd freak out. WHAT? Who said I'd freak out? I wouldn't! Well maybe... if it was something inappropriate, like a sexual comment. Anyway, he said he deleted the FB right away, then sent her the text. I told him that by deleting the FB comment he looked guilty of something and it was weird, then I asked him what the comment was about. Here's the best part, he says "oh, she was asking about the wedding". Ummm, huh??? Wasn't that what she wanted LAST MONTH? So he gets all defensive and basically calls me immature and childish for being worried about it. I'm 38 years old, I'm hardly those things. But when your story doesn't add up, I'm going to get suspicious. Then he tells me he will let her know that he is "no longer allowed to speak to her". I told him that was fine, but not what I said. I just didn't like the secretiveness or what seem like lies. He proceeds to have a SEVENTY text message conversation with her to let her know that texting with her is damaging our relationship. Or at least that is what he said the content of the conversation was. He deletes the texts, I never see them.

Moving forward two weeks, she texts him at 8:00 AM on July 5th to ask for his advice about a burn her son received from a sparkler. Seriously?? This woman hasn't got a mother, a friend, or any common sense?? He did tell me immediately about this text. First time ever he was up front.

Now July 10th, she texts him at 9:30 at night to see how he is doing because she read on FB that he hurt his back. FOR REAL?? He has a wife. I take care of him. I questioned him about the texts, 7 of them, after I saw them on the phone bill. He blew up at me and said that I am being too insecure and he can't stand it. If I don't stop this marriage won't work. He basically threatened to leave me. So, now I feel that texting this other girl is more important to him than our new marriage. And I'm sorry, but I feel like she is up to no good. Why is she texting him with more frequency now, after she was supposedly told it bugs me?

I am devastated. And so sad. I told him that I wished I could just pretend not to be jealous for his sake, but it is how I feel. I told him that I think they are both being so disrespectful of my feelings. He said he loves me and that he wishes I could just accept that and quit pushing him away. He has agreed to go to marriage counseling, but since we both travel quite extensively for work it will be a while before we will be able to schedule it. In the meantime I'm searching for answers and hoping someone here has any advice at all??
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Old 07-12-2011, 03:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting an Ex

What he is doing sounds very shady, suspicious and disrespectful toward your feelings,

but in his defense there is nothing here that proves to me this is anything more than innocent friendly conversation,
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Old 07-12-2011, 03:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting an Ex

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What he is doing sounds very shady, suspicious and disrespectful toward your feelings,

but in his defense there is nothing here that proves to me this is anything more than innocent friendly conversation,
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I do agree with you - I even TOLD him the other night that I don't believe he is sleeping with her or planning to sleep with her or anything like that. I just don't like that he feels the need to lie to me about texting with her, to delete her messages, or to continue having so many conversations with her when he knows it's hurting me. Innocent and friendly, or not - if it bothers me shouldn't that be the most important thing?
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Old 07-12-2011, 03:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting an Ex

Let's just get right to the point - it is completely inappropriate for a married man to be texting another woman, never mind that it is his ex-girlfriend! This has to stop and immediately.

He first needs to admit it was wrong. And frankly, if it bothers you, his wife, then he should just stop it, no explanation needed from you. If he refuses to stop it, you have much bigger issues in my opinion. He needs to respect you and he simply hasn't been by carrying on this conversation behind your back.

Secrecy and lies destroy relationships and marriages. Openness and transparency are needed and soon.

Best of luck
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Old 07-12-2011, 03:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Let's just get right to the point - it is completely inappropriate for a married man to be texting another woman, never mind that it is his ex-girlfriend! This has to stop and immediately.
Oh please. That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? Completely inappropriate for a married man to text another woman?

I would agree that the original poster's husband is behaving in a shady and possibly inappropriate manner, especially since he agreed to stop.

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Old 07-12-2011, 04:14 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Oh please. That's a bit dramatic, isn't it? Completely inappropriate for a married man to text another woman?

I would agree that the original poster's husband is behaving in a shady and possibly inappropriate manner, especially since he agreed to stop.

C
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Outside of business (and really, email works just as well), why should a married man be texting another woman? If he is, his wife should be aware of who he is texting and why. He should not be texting an ex-gf at all, period.
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Old 07-12-2011, 04:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yeah it's wrong. THE DAY after you got home from honeymoon he texts his ex along with pics 86 times?

Something ain't right.

Also him acting like an a$$ when you call him on it and saying you are insecure and how he will divorce you/leave you speaks volumes about his character.

He sounds like an indignant child.
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Old 07-12-2011, 05:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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My husband's ex-wife was texting/calling my husband since the day we met. When she found out about me, the texts/calls became more frequent. There were never 86 or any number like that in any given day at all, and I'm sure my husband was never the initiator. I think with him, he was just dealing with a lot of guilt and felt like he owed her, and she was taking full advantage of that and using it to her advantage - calling him at 7 am on weekends because she was locked out, etc. They shared a condo and a dog for logisitical reasons so it always started out as something important but i think it was really because she realized she was losing him. the worst part about it was that my husband defended her every time i alluded to her malicious intentions, saying she was a really great person. almost 4 years later he finally admitted to the damage she had done and that she probably was behaving maliciously and out of jealousy, but the difference is that my husband had confrontational issues - he didn't enjoy dealing with her but did it out of obligation.

your marriage is so new it is sad that your husband is putting it in jeapordy for an ex. i agree with one of the people above that he has to come to the point that he can admit first that HIS behavior has hurt you and is a horrible foundation for a marriage, and that you will undoubtedly be left with trust issues, which will damage your marriage if he doesn't fix this.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting an Ex

Well, I don't have anything to deal with my ex-es and we're basically friends. Not close, but, if we met on the street, we'd say hello. I wouldn't have anything against him replying to SOME of the stuff or just being polite. But this is a bit too much and not OK at all. He's married, she should get out of the equation.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting an Ex

Uh...no.
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Old 07-12-2011, 06:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Let me rephrase that; Awww...hel* Naw!!!
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by triniti View Post
My husband's ex-wife was texting/calling my husband since the day we met. When she found out about me, the texts/calls became more frequent. There were never 86 or any number like that in any given day at all, and I'm sure my husband was never the initiator. I think with him, he was just dealing with a lot of guilt and felt like he owed her, and she was taking full advantage of that and using it to her advantage - calling him at 7 am on weekends because she was locked out, etc. They shared a condo and a dog for logisitical reasons so it always started out as something important but i think it was really because she realized she was losing him. the worst part about it was that my husband defended her every time i alluded to her malicious intentions, saying she was a really great person.
Were you the other woman that he left his wife for?

Were you in any way involved with him before/during the divorce?

Just curious since you said he felt "guilty" & he "owed" her & "she realized she was losing him."
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Outside of business (and really, email works just as well), why should a married man be texting another woman?
LOL! Uuummmm, maybe because they are friends? Despite what you might think or believe it is possible for a guy to be friends with a woman without anything more going on
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Old 07-12-2011, 07:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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LOL! Uuummmm, maybe because they are friends? Despite what you might think or believe it is possible for a guy to be friends with a woman without anything more going on
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It's an ex-GIRLFRIEND. Big difference than just some female friend or co-worker. Also, 86 texts right after they get back from the honeymoon and he threatens to leave his new wife if she has a problem with it?!

You might want to strongly consider staying married. Or at the very least find out what is really going on.
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Old 07-12-2011, 08:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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LOL! Uuummmm, maybe because they are friends? Despite what you might think or believe it is possible for a guy to be friends with a woman without anything more going on
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I agree that a man and woman can be friends. I myself have a man who is a friend. He is someone I've known since childhood. BUT, I've never dated him or had sex with him. My husband has met him and his girlfriend, we do things as couples, and since the day I became engaged to my husband I've never been alone with him. And I certainly don't send him 86 text messages in a year, let alone a single day. There are just certain things that raise an eyebrow. Also, if my husband ever, EVER told me that this friend of mine caused him discomfort or pain, I'd stop my friendship with him. My husband is THAT important to me. That relationship is sacred. I guess I am so sad because I have realized only now that my husband does not feel the same way about me. I always beleived he did before...
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