General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok. I don't even know where to start. I'll do my best to explain the situation and then you can tell me if I'm being too petty.
The thing is, I already told you that I have a husband who is addicted to gaming and he spends way too much money on paying for servers, computers...
Anyway, the thing is that today he needs to pay $460 for his servers and he also decided to get another one too which will be another $329 per month. You might think that that's ok as it is his hobby but I am really fed up as he told me that he has to pay registration and insurance on his car which is $1145 and it has to be paid by tomorrow and he hasn't got enough money. I asked him what happened to $300 I deposited in his account last week and he told me that he spent it on getting a new external hard drive. He never told me about it. And what is really pissing me off is the fact that he has $2000 in speeding fines that are way overdue. I used to be stupid enough before and used to pay his fines so that he wouldn't lose his license but then I told him he has to start paying for them as I don't have enough time running around paying for these (can't pay on line, have to go to licensing center). Not one fine has been paid since. And now that is my fault. He earns good money but he's always broke. That is the reason why I closed our joint account. I got sick of going to do food shopping and when I go to pay for it there is no money. Now he has his account and I have mine. Our agreement was that he was to pay mortgage and save some money and I was paying for all the other bills. But that's not working out anymore. I end up paying for everything and he just uses his pay as "spending money". What person needs to spend that much money? I really resent him now because we both get paid weekly (on Thursdays) and by Monday he's asking me for money. BUt what really pissed me off today was what he said to me. These are his words "I really don't understand why you are complaining that I spend so much money when you have a nice house and everything you want. You have nice things and new furniture. You wanted a new kitchen and you got it. What else do you want from me?"
Now let me explain. We bought this house because we made some money on real estate when there was a boom and I had to force him to do that with me because "do we really need to go through all that hassle?". Also, the new kitchen I got I paid for and saved some money by doing certain things myself. All the new furniture I bought I saved for for ages. We didn't go out and use credit cards like he suggested.
He is so quick to point out that we are doing ok but it's not thanks to him. But when he told me today that if I'm not happy I should leave and then I can see how hard it is to live in the "real" world, it really got me thinking. If I can pretty much support kids, me and him why couldn't I support me and the kids. He hasn't paid for anything for the last 4-5 months. What is stopping me???? I am going nuts here. No idea what to do. I tried to write a list of things why I should stay with him (very short list) and a list of reasons why I should leave. I thought that might help but I feel torn. I keep thinking of what he told me few months ago and maybe that's the reason why it's so hard to decide. He said to me that if I was to leave him he would go back to drinking heavily and taking drugs and non of us would see him again. I asked him what about the kids and he said "DO you think that they would wanna know me if I'm always drunk and high? It would be better for them not to see me." I know it would be his decision to go back to that but I think that I would feel guilty. Stupid, aren't I? I really don't know anymore. Am I being petty by worrying so much that he will get us into debt again?
I love my job and love going to work but sometimes I feel it's all for nothing. We both earn really good money and now I am beginning to resent him because he spends it all and has fun doing it while I try to save and pay all the bills and if I do spend money on something he tries to make me feel guilty. Like that stupid kitchen. He told me that I don't need one. Old one was good enough. And do I have to go to my hairdresser all the time. Why can't I find a cheaper one? What? I spend $150 on my hair every 2 months and he spends $460 every month on his gaming. And now it will be more.
I AM SOOOOOOOOOOO MAD!!!!
Am I really over reacting?
Well point out that if you getadivorce he will be FORCED to pay child support, and since you already pay all the other bills you can live in the real world. Can he?
That's exactly my point. He has no idea what real world is as even his so called friends are people he met online playing this stupid game and he lost all his real ones.
And when it comes to child support....Well, he told me that I earn heaps of money so I don't need any more and if I asked for it he'll quit his job. Now, how childish is that????
Please forgive me. Since I basically just got out of a relationship that mirrors yours, I am going to be very blunt in my response/opinion.
Tell him he must give you 25% of his pay each week to go towards the bills (especially if he stopped paying the mortgage). And if he doesn't?.....
KICK HIS SORRY A** OUT. Go get an attorney, draw up divorce paperwork and the paperwork to get him out of the house. I don't know what state you live in, but make sure you get the house after the divorce and don't have to share any equity in it with him.
Push for child support. If the bum wants to quit his job, let him. Then he'll be crying because he can't afford all that gaming junk.
He is a child who has never grown up. He is using you and taking advantage of you. To say he will go back to doing drugs and alcohol if you leave him? That is mental abuse and shame, shame on him for doing that.
You are a woman who has it together. You can take care of yourself and your children. You don't need his money. I'm proud to see a woman who can do that.
Aceso, I think I somewhat mirrored your husband. He is using the position he is in with his gaming to give him a level of importance and dominance in his other world environment. It's what I got out of doing what he is doing. Think of it as being able to have an existance in an alternate reality that you either can't or don't have the same ambition to do in the real world.
For me, I truely love my wife and feel very passionate about her. I know her demeanor and when she told me she was strongly considering leaving, it woke me the hell up. Can you make your point with him obvious enough that he will stop his crash course?
From me to you, my apologies for you having to feel the way you do. It isn't right to you and it isn't what companionship is about. My request to you is lay it on the line and let him know he is losing you. That this is his problem, not yours to fix. Though be 100% supportive and join him in taking those steps if he is truely wanting to save your marriage. It's what I am asking my wife to do now and hope she is willing to learn to love me again.
That's exactly my point. He has no idea what real world is as even his so called friends are people he met online playing this stupid game and he lost all his real ones.
And when it comes to child support....Well, he told me that I earn heaps of money so I don't need any more and if I asked for it he'll quit his job. Now, how childish is that????
Actually it doesn't work that way. They will look at his last thre years pay and base it off of that, they will take state and federal returns. Even if he doesn't make enough to cover the child support they will bill him for it. He will owe the money, forever be in debt with bad credit. Hee isn't living in the real world at all.
Thank you all for making me see that I am not over reacting like my husband says I am. I really tried to talk to him last night about money issues and I tried to explain to him that I feel like I'm being used because I am paying for everything and taking care of the house, kids...and how I'm feeling tired due to the fact that I am carrying everything while he's doing whatever he wants and doesn't have any responsabilities and he told me that I chose to go back to work so it's all my fault. He told me that I should quit my job and find a part time one so that I would have enough time to take care of the kids and the house. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He knows how much I love my job and there is no way that I am going to quit. I love what I do and all the people at my work are great so there is no way I could ever go and work somewhere else where I'm not going to be happy.
Anyway, one of my friends made a good point today and please tell me if that makes sense to you. She said that he might be threatened by the fact that I earn more money then him and that I get along with people at work. We both work for the same company but for different departments and even though I have only been there for just over two years (and he for 7) I got more promotions. I know that he might feel bad about that but I worked very hard to get where I am and I didn't take days off because I spent all night playing on the computer.
Do men really feel threatened when women earn more money? You know, I thought we were supposed to be a team.
Do men really feel threatened when women earn more money?
im sure some do and some dont. but this brings up an interesting poitn that Jason pointed out. he said he likes to play those games b/c he gets a sense of dominance and accomplishment. Jason said it gives him a feeling of importance. So it might be in your H's case that he does feel extremely inferior to you and that's why he retreats to his games.
but i dont think you're overreacting at all. Luckily this is the one issues i do not have in my marriage. i feel money is literally someone's life in currency and should be respected as if it was the persons life.
Yeah, what Jason said makes lots of sense but now I am trying to figure out if it's worth working out or should I just end it. As soon as I bring up his spending he tells me that I am constantly attacking him and he feels like I'm treating him as a child. He tells me that he's a grown man and he can spend HIS money any way he wants.
I know I can do it all on my own so why am I still stuck here? Why is it so hard to make that final decision? I am not even sure if I still love him anymore. But I know that I have lost all the respect for him. I think that a man should be taking care of his family and not ignore it like he does. He's not there for me or the kids. So why am I still thinking what to do???
I guess you're just not ready to let go yet. im sure you've been through a lot with him and its hard to just leave it behind. maybe you still have some hope that things will change and you're not ready to leave? Do you think there's any hope that things could get better?
Maybe you just feel like you've invested all these years in the marriage and can't believe they might have been wasted years in some sense? For me, leaving almost makes me feel like I have failed in some way, even though I know I have tried my best to make things work over the years. I was the Good Wife - it has just taken me a long while to figure out that good is never going to be good enough...but I am still here too...
Yeah, maybe I am hoping that things are going to get better. I mean, I have gone through so much with him. Drugs and alcohol abuse, big debt because he has no idea how to budget, his addiction to gaming...The list is endless and it has got better in the last few months (no heavy drugs, he's not drinking himself stupid every day...) but I am still not happy. I keep thinking what would it be like to live in a house with just me and the kids and that makes me smile. Just a thought that I wouldn't have to put up with his bad moods and childish dummy spits every time he can't get things his way...How much easier would that be? And the thought that I wouldn't have to be picking up his dirty socks from the living room floor. See, everything about him annoys me. I can't stand the fact that he sits on our sofa in his dirty work clothes. I just bought that sofa few months ago and it's already looking old. Carpet in our bedroom has ink stains on it because he walks through in his work boots (he's a printer). He just doesn't care what so ever. He's not house proud at all. He used to be years ago but now he just doesn't care. He's answer to it all is "I don't care. We'll buy a new one." How? When? And are we going to replace things every few months because it's easier then to actually take care of the things we have? Just spend, spend and spend. I wonder if he thinks that money grows on trees.
ya when i was a kid my house went to crap b/c my parents gave up trying to keep it together. i could see that happening with all your frustrations. that would annoy me to death, too. my H can be a bit of a slob (but then so can i) but i wonder how it'll go when we have kids. its not a big deal now b/c i have the energy to clean everything, and i really dont mind, but i wonder when we have kids what'll happen. he likes a clean place but isnt willing to clean...go figure.
just for me personally, i'd like to think i wouldnt care that much if my H made things look trashy. i know my mom did that to my dad and it destroyed their marriage. and the house went to the dumps, too. so that to me was a lose/lose situation. it seems to me that if you're going to lose something- the couch or the marriage- it'd make more sense to lose the couch. but im not in your situation and im only speaking from watching my parents go at it over the dishes not being done, or the laundry, or whatever. Now that im all grown up, its sad to me b/c the dirty house wasn't a big factor in my emotional health, but the fighting was.
Of course spending all the money on games, etc would be a big deal to me. Maybe you can get separate bank accounts?
maybe you just need to separate for awhile to clear your head? sounds like you've been through a lot with him.
ya when i was a kid my house went to crap b/c my parents gave up trying to keep it together. i could see that happening with all your frustrations. that would annoy me to death, too. my H can be a bit of a slob (but then so can i) but i wonder how it'll go when we have kids. its not a big deal now b/c i have the energy to clean everything, and i really dont mind, but i wonder when we have kids what'll happen. he likes a clean place but isnt willing to clean...go figure.
just for me personally, i'd like to think i wouldnt care that much if my H made things look trashy. i know my mom did that to my dad and it destroyed their marriage. and the house went to the dumps, too. so that to me was a lose/lose situation. it seems to me that if you're going to lose something- the couch or the marriage- it'd make more sense to lose the couch. but im not in your situation and im only speaking from watching my parents go at it over the dishes not being done, or the laundry, or whatever. Now that im all grown up, its sad to me b/c the dirty house wasn't a big factor in my emotional health, but the fighting was.
Of course spending all the money on games, etc would be a big deal to me. Maybe you can get separate bank accounts?
maybe you just need to separate for awhile to clear your head? sounds like you've been through a lot with him.
I understand what you are saying about messy house and all the other possessions but it is driving me nuts. You know, it's not so much about the "sofa" as such. The thing is that he has no respect for the things that make me happy (like a nice house) but if I was to walk into his computer room and damaged one of his "babies" he would kill me. Once kids were playing on his newest computer and they left few finger prints on the screen he went crazy and yelled for days and days. Do you see my point now?
And for the bank accounts...We do have separate ones now because I used to go to the bank to get some money out and our bank account was empty even though there was supposed to be heaps of money in it. He is a kind of person, if he wants something he has to have it right now. He can't wait for few days or weeks. He just has to have it that minute and if he can't then he expects me to go and borrow money from my mum. How stupid is that? But then if I want something or kids it's too bad. "you should really think first do you "want " it or "need" it." THat's word for word what he says. When winter was about to start and I had to buy kids winter school uniforms he told me I waisted my money because I got them 3 uniforms each. Apparently one each would've been enough. I tried to explain to him that I don't have time to wash their school uniforms every day and he told me that I should manage my time better. That way I'd have more time to do washing and whatever else needs to be done.
I understand what you are saying about messy house and all the other possessions but it is driving me nuts. You know, it's not so much about the "sofa" as such. The thing is that he has no respect for the things that make me happy (like a nice house) but if I was to walk into his computer room and damaged one of his "babies" he would kill me. Once kids were playing on his newest computer and they left few finger prints on the screen he went crazy and yelled for days and days. Do you see my point now?
Ya totally see your point. i think my parents felt much the same way. they had some deep resentment for each other and they just argued over 'safe' areas, like the couch and stuff.
When i was in the middle of some issues with my H i remember little things like the dishes, or him leaving his shoes places, would really bother me. But if I even got a finger print on his computer he'd flip. his computer is his baby. He actually told me its b/c its the only thing he feels belongs to him. He's kinda like your H, actually. he's very protective and possessive of it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Aceso*
And for the bank accounts...We do have separate ones now because I used to go to the bank to get some money out and our bank account was empty even though there was supposed to be heaps of money in it. He is a kind of person, if he wants something he has to have it right now. He can't wait for few days or weeks. He just has to have it that minute and if he can't then he expects me to go and borrow money from my mum. How stupid is that? But then if I want something or kids it's too bad. "you should really think first do you "want " it or "need" it." THat's word for word what he says. When winter was about to start and I had to buy kids winter school uniforms he told me I waisted my money because I got them 3 uniforms each. Apparently one each would've been enough. I tried to explain to him that I don't have time to wash their school uniforms every day and he told me that I should manage my time better. That way I'd have more time to do washing and whatever else needs to be done.
wow he does sound really irrational when it comes to money. that's good that you have separate accounts. the ironic thing is it sounds like he thinks you're the one that is bad with money.
Money issues 
I am going nuts here. No idea what to do. I tried to write a list of things why I should stay with him (very short list) and a list of reasons why I should leave. I thought that might help but I feel torn. I keep thinking of what he told me few months ago and maybe that's the reason why it's so hard to decide. He said to me that if I was to leave him he would go back to drinking heavily and taking drugs and non of us would see him again. I asked him what about the kids and he said "DO you think that they would wanna know me if I'm always drunk and high? It would be better for them not to see me." I know it would be his decision to go back to that but I think that I would feel guilty. Stupid, aren't I? I really don't know anymore. Am I being petty by worrying so much that he will get us into debt again? 
Re: Money issues 
And the thought that I wouldn't have to be picking up his dirty socks from the living room floor. See, everything about him annoys me. I can't stand the fact that he sits on our sofa in his dirty work clothes. I just bought that sofa few months ago and it's already looking old. Carpet in our bedroom has ink stains on it because he walks through in his work boots (he's a printer). He just doesn't care what so ever. He's not house proud at all. He used to be years ago but now he just doesn't care. He's answer to it all is "I don't care. We'll buy a new one." How? When? And are we going to replace things every few months because it's easier then to actually take care of the things we have? Just spend, spend and spend. I wonder if he thinks that money grows on trees.
