General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
My H has not actually had an affair but I think he will. He's not really sexually attracted to me and if I get pregnant he'll be even less attracted to me. When we go out together he stares at other girls, has a very hard time not looking at porn, but when he walks in on me naked he has no reaction to me. He feels bad and guilty about it and it does hurt. And trust me, I have tried EVERYTHING to be more attractive: lingerie, candles, oils, dancing, weight loss, making him dinner, doing things he likes, etc. It's beyond my control. He's just not that attracted to me.
We're both 30 yrs old and we've been married four years, together for five or six. Things were very, very rough in the beginning but now we never fight, although we still disagree, and I do love him. I know he loves me but there's no natural sexual attraction from him and I think he'll have an affair down the road. His dad had multiple affairs on his mom after she started having kids.
I've just been wondering, would be a mistake to leave because of something I think he'll do but he hasn't actually done?
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
Just leave him. He is not attracted to you probably because he has a porn problem and can only view women a certain way, when they are real and need love and affection and attention, get sick etc and have real life issues they are less attractive to him.
You have done all of these things to try and please him, and you will just feel worse and worse about your self. he is just stomping on your self esteem.
Move on because you will be happier without him. Or you can stay in the awful place you are in and hope he will start valuing you as a woman and being attracted to the whole you. I just don't think it will ever happen. He is not living in reality.
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
Blanca, I notice your signature reads: "I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality." - Bryon Katie
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
That sounds like a copout. I'm ditching you 'cuz you'll probably wind up doing that to me anyway. Why rationalize it? Just admit it's not working and proceed from there. You don't need a reason let alone a 'good' one, least not anyone ELSE would care about.
There's no click, no chemistry. What other reason would make you feel justified? If you want absolution, see a priest.
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
Hey Blanca,
Sorry you're going through this. You're way too young to not have your husband attracted to you. Not that age should matter...just very strange that he has no attraction.
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
If you are not happy, that's the only reason you need. Like another poster said, you don't need a "good reason" that other people will agree with or whatever. You need to weigh out your happiness and well being. To me it sounds like this relationship is destroying your self esteem. You shouldn't have to try so hard to get your H to "see you". I am so sorry you are going through this.
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
At 30 you guys should be attracted to one another and in "steam" all the time. I'm 33 and he's 44. Even if he's not as young as I am, he goes "nuts" when sees me naked and it's the same with me. If you can't have GOOD SEX AND ATTRACTION NOW, when you're in your thirties, what would you expect when you guys are older? And him not being attracted to you when you're pregnant? Come on, that's an amazing time for a couple. Yeah, she's not "prime material" anymore with all happening in her body, but that is a wonderful time in a woman's life and for a couple and should be cherished.
I wouldn't stop the relationship on the "would be could be" issues, but lack of attraction as you present it is actually very serious
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
It'd be very wrong to leave him based on something he might do. But you need to sit him down and talk to him. I agree that you two are 30 and should still be ready to go. Talk to him and see where it goes. If he doesn't change or want to change, then walk.
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
Hey there,
I know that this is hard. But if you still love each other there is still hope. You are trying hard, and good job on your part. Try to get some professional advice. Marriage counseling or something.
My big thing is though try and talk to him about this. Let him know how your feeling and see if he is willing to change his actions. If he isn't wanting to stop watching porn and checking out other girls. Then you do what is right to make YOURSELF happy ok?
If he wants to change his habits, great! Then you guys can starting working on it together, get MC. If the love is still in the air and you both are willing to work on the marriage, you can do it.
But do not end it cause you think he might cheat. That is unfair. And won't help you any either.
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
Thank you all for your support. I was in a really bad mood today from thinking about this. I sort of shut it off for awhile but this weekend when we went rollerblading he was staring at some girl (she was practically naked) and then the other day he walked in on me when i was naked and notta. I guess I got all worked up again. Kinda been in a bad mood about it this week. But sometimes i wonder if all the pressure and fighting over sex has just been a real turn-off.
The reason I wouldn't leave right now is because things have improved dramatically. He actually comes on to me a lot, goes to counseling, doesn't look at porn anymore, and hasn't looked at other girls in awhile. He complements me all the time. It was just that once last weekend and it brought back a flood of unpleasant feelings from the past. He tries to have sex a lot but I shut him down most of the time. When he comes on to me its mechanical and always right before he goes to bed. Every other moment in the day, other then right before bed, I feel asexual around him. what a mess. I think a big part of the problem is we are both each other's first and neither of us really knows what the hell we're doing.
It really did take a hit to my self-esteem for awhile. I even started dressing in big t-shirts and clothes so I wouldn't constantly feel rejected. But im coming around. I'm starting to dress nicer and i'm getting a lot of complements. Some guy even bought me lunch the other day .
some days I just wonder that if this is our "good" phase, is it going to get really bad and should i just get out before it does. kinda like dojo said.
Re: Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClipClop
So he still stares. I don't care what she was wearing. He chose to stare. Posted via Mobile Device
Really? I mean she was wearing less clothes then I wear under my clothes. It was some tube top swim suit with a string binki bottom. you could see everything. you think I should be harsh about it?
After reading posts on here for a few years I've kind of gleaned that the problem is not that he looks at other girls but that he doesn't look at me that way. So i've been trying to approach him about his lack of desire for me and not his obvious desire for other girls.
Mistake to leave someone bc of something you think they might do? 
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