shellylndrvr

First of all I want to say Hi to everyone, I am new here. ]
I will give the general short story of what is going on. I was married for six years and that marriage ended because I found out he was cheating on me. I did the dating scene for about a year then I met my new husband. Things went well for a while, now it has become an arguing cesspool.
Anytime I say or do anything that he doesn't want to deal with, He says I am nagging him,and this even consists of me talking usual stuff that when on during the day, he will say I am wearing him out.When there is a heated argument he always let me know how he can leave me, he has left a few times and usually comes back in a couple of hours. I am sick and tired of always being the blame for everything. He never takes the blame for nothing and I mean nothing. He has never given an apology on his own. I guess I get scared when I think it may end and I always end up getting backed into the corner. Also another thing that hurts is that I confided in him that I had depression at one time, now he throws that in my face by saying hurtful things about me and my "chemical imbalance" I need someones opinion on what I should do...

Amplexor

First off your husband is playing the control game. Threatens to leave, leaves and comes back a couple of hour later. He is absolutely betraying your trust by throwing the depression issue in your face in such a manner. You confided in him for his help and support and he uses this as a hurtful weapon.

What kind of things do you “bring up” that start the arguments? What does he see as nagging vs. what you consider nagging? How do you bring these things up, Was he always blaming you for things or is this a change in behavior?

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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

shellylndrvr

He says he can just look at me as soon as he comes in the door and see that I am in a mood. Then he ignores me the rest of the evening,he stays on the computer. About the nagging, I will ask a simple question about what he is doing or looking at, and quite often he blows up, and says I am nagging him, when I am only trying to start a conversation. There are times I will bring up past arguments,because I wander what makes him say certain things.

Amplexor

Communications have completely broken down. You should plan a conversation to discuss the communications issues with him. Not the petty or serious issues that start the argument/silent treatment/threats. Tell him you want the marriage to improve but you are both at a point where it is regressing into something you don’t want. Start by asking him why he always feels you are nagging him. Let him speak and be empathetic to him. Don’t interject, just self reflect on how he perceives how you interact with him. Restate what he says. “So what you are saying is….” “and this makes you feel…” Then ask how you could improve. Next, your turn, reverse the rolls and ask him to do the same for you. Set the ground rules for this before you start the conversation. If the discussion starts to heat immediately say, we’re heading in the wrong direction again so we should take a break. Come back to it a few hours or days later. The key point is that you both enter the situation with the understanding that this is to be a helpful discussion not an argument. This can be tricky to get him to enter it but if you can use these techniques it can help. If he can come into the next situation with a mindset that you are not nagging he will be less likely to shut down. And that is what he is doing. Good luck

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

swedish

Do you have insecurities due to your previous marriage? If you are constantly worried he might cheat because your ex did, it will wear on him to feel you don't trust him if he hasn't done anything to cause mistrust. Just prodding a little here to see if that might be the basis for some of your arguments?

shellylndrvr

I do have insecurities about the cheating,but that is brought up once in a while. For instance, this morning he totally blew a fuse for the dogs barking at 3 am, and somehow it turned out to be my fault, they woke me up too, but I don't see the reason in getting angry and yelling at the top of my lungs. I know I am at fault on many things and I accept my blame for what causes him to get mad . It just seems that his excuse is that it is always me. As long as the conversation is what he wants to talk about when he wants to talk, it all good. Half the time when I talk about daily stuff, weather, whats going on in life, work, family, he just tunes me out and stares blankly at the t.v. or computer. and he won't even acknowledge me. So on most nights there is little to know conversation I don't know how to approach a conversation with him anymore. I have tried to change my actions that make him angry, but he does nothing. It feels as if he wants out but does not have the guts to say so.

swedish

Thanks for the additional info, it does help when responding. It almost sounds like you are in a rut...do you ever go on dates? It definitely seems like he is unhappy whether it's stress from work or whatever he seems to be in his own world right now...maybe instead of focusing on what you are missing right now (which I can see is a lot if you are not feeling connected to him and loved) take some action to step away from that and make his favorite dinner or something you've never tried...give him a massage one night...plan a date...see if you can get him to have a little fun and maybe that will get him out of the rut enough to return some affection.

dcrim

BS! YOU are not the cause of his anger, he is; you're merely the excuse du jour.

You do NOT need to change anything, he does.

But until he realizes that, nothing will change no matter what you do (or do not).

If he refuses to "talk", then don't talk to him, either. Let him see that the world is not about HIM, but the BOTH of you.

Or, for everything he says, you respond with something of your own (not related to what he said).

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Blanca

Wow that really hurts. I think you should back off from him. Go out and have some fun away from him.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

magicsunset08

In my opinion, one does not say things like that if you love someone. Sure, we all make mistakes and say things we don't mean once in awhile, but if they are constantly said there is a problem. Don't put up with that crap!