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Need help!!! Husband's in contact with ex-girlfriend

32K views 239 replies 47 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 ·
My husband got an email at work from an old girlfriend who he knew before me and almost married. She is single. He waited several days but eventually told me about it. I asked him to forward it to our home email where I could read it. He got very very angry and said no - that I would email her and tell her to stop. I said I would never do that. My real reason was that he's not supposed to take personal emails at work and I thought it would be better to have it on our own email. After continuing to be very angry and saying that he'd only do it this one time (???) he forwarded the email. Turns out he had responded to the email. She initiated the email with a comment about Boz Scaggs and how it reminded her of him (sexual overtone???) and then went on to ask about life and family, etc., and talked about her mom dying. He emailed back that he would have been in touch with her had he known and said "Maybe we can catch up one of these days". She emailed back that she'd like to do that and maybe she'd see him at a football game. Funny thing is that the day he was emailing her - that evening he brought up with me the possibility of going to a home football game soon. Is this coincidence??? I was not pleased by these emails...especially since the last time they met (7 years ago) I was left alone at a football game not knowing where he was for almost an hour while he talked with her. He never did bring her over to talk with me. I was so upset about this and he knows it. So for this to be brought up again as a way to "meet" is very hurtful to me. When I tried to talk with him about this and how it hurts me he got very very angry and mad at me...as if it was all my problem and I was over-reacting. In the midst of trying to talk about this he brought up if I wanted a divorce (what???). I told him that I wanted him not to have contact with her...that I didn't trust her and I feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. I said that if he had further contact with her I considered it a form of cheating and I didn't want that in our marriage. He was totally shut down, rolling his eyes and acting like I was an idiot. To cool down I took the dog for a walk (it was around 9:30 pm) and when I got back the front light was off and the house locked up. I had to ring the doorbell twice before he opened the door. I asked why he did this and he said he didn't know I had left. How could he have not known? I leashed up the dog and went for the walk right in front of him. I slept in the guest room and this morning it was the silent treatment. Before he left for work I noticed a page open on his notebook that had a list with her name, another woman's name (someone he went to college with), and another woman, etc. What does this mean? He left for work but I noticed his shaving kit is all packed up on the bathroom sink. Have I done something wrong? He's acting like I'm the one at fault here.
 
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#76 ·
Help me understand. Lifeistooshort and turnera --- I read your posts and I get stuck. I really don't want to make an ultimatum prematurely. I'm not sure my husband really understands yet what I'm talking about. Yes, I could push him to the wall...but it might be too soon and he would just react to the push rather than to what is being said. Not sure if I'm making sense here. I have told him what I want, what I need and what I expect. Now the ball is in his court.

However, I'm going to hold onto your advice. But first I'm going to see how it goes with reading the relationship book together. I'm going to see if it makes a difference...after all this is the first one he says he's ever read. I'm going to see if he initiates more talking on his own. I'm going to see if he figures out that being the macho-guy works for some things but not in this kind of situation. He's the strong, silent type, a guy's guy... a football guy. He's great at providing financially, is a great dad, and is affectionate. However he's not good at talking about deep stuff. Talking about anything emotional causes him to withdraw and get upset.

After I got so upset several days ago, he's been trying to be more present when talking together. This is better. I have to see if it continues.

I think he knows that I will leave if things don't change. I left my first husband. I am capable of giving an ultimatum and leaving if I have to. However at this point I admit that I really don't want to do that. Why? Because other than this issue with ex's he is someone I like and love.

I will set the boundary...and I will tell him what I will do if it is not met. I'm just going to wait a bit on the ultimatum part.
 
#95 ·
Help me understand. Lifeistooshort and turnera --- I read your posts and I get stuck. I really don't want to make an ultimatum prematurely. I'm not sure my husband really understands yet what I'm talking about. Yes, I could push him to the wall...but it might be too soon and he would just react to the push rather than to what is being said. Not sure if I'm making sense here. I have told him what I want, what I need and what I expect. Now the ball is in his court.
You're not giving an ultimatum, if you ARE willing to leave if he doesn't change. You are simply saying 'this is what I need in MY life and if you don't want to provide that, we don't belong together, and I'll wish you well in your new life.'

Trust me, he will understand if you tell him this and he then refuses to address it, and you make moves to move out.

I know many people who have divorced and gotten back together later, when they LEARNED what it takes to have a fair relationship. Sometimes you just can't learn that stuff when you're together because that 'keeping us together' thing distorts what you know and what you're willing to do. I know even more people who have separated and gotten back together on a more-fair platform.

What you are REALLY saying is that you're scared. Scared he will walk away and NOT want you back.

As long as you let that fear guide you, as long as you 'need' him instead of 'want' him, HE has all the power in your relationship. What is your integrity worth?
 
#77 ·
Is your husband dumb? Is he an idiot? Is he mentally challenged?

No, I am being serious.

How can he not understand? You mutually agreed on the no ex boundary? He understands, he just wants to talk to this woman.

Remember this?
He knew that anyone would have been upset, especially his wife.

Yes, you love him, I get that. We see that in many many threads. The hurt spouse comes up with reason after reason why, their normally intelligent spouse loses their mind dealing with the opposite sex. There are thousands, if not millions, of people in successful marriages, who have never read a relationship book.I do think they can be helpful, but not reading one has no bearing on what he does or doesn't understand.
 
#78 ·
You're not making a demand, you're setting a boundary.

Here's a demand: "You can't have contact with other women"

Here's a boundary: "I will not be in a marriage with someone who has contact with exes"

You can modify those as applicable to your situation. It is common for people in an EA especially to deny any emotional component and to call the BS controlling. You aren't being controlling of him, you are being protective of your marriage with boundaries. He should welcome such things, and should be participating himself in establishing and maintaining boundaries.
 
#79 ·
Have you explained to him how focusing on another woman and being a father figure to her son was inappropriate? How that could lead to an affair before he realized what was happening? Have you explained, step by step, how the emails look and how that could also lead to an affair before he realizes what hit him? Have you explained how you have to come first in his life, he has to prove to you that you come first, and sometimes that means sacrificing good intentions like trying to father a child that has parents who are responsible for raising it?

Have you told him that he is just plain bad at boundaries and you should be the one to set them in your marriage and he'll have to trust you to be reasonable and take his feelings into account?

Sometimes you have to draw them a diagram. Explain exactly how points A, B, C, and D connect and progress. Things we women instinctively understand, some men really don't see.
 
#98 ·
Yes - I did all of that. I set things out very concisely and completely. He just shut me out and would not discuss anything, acting as if I were crazy and making HIS life hell. I eventually did the whole ultimatum thing in regards to SC (the woman with son he wanted to be a father-figure to) and he stopped having any contact with her. That was about 3 years ago. He swears he's had no contact since. But he resents not being "allowed" to be that father-figure and just told me so again during this current fiasco. I repeated what I had told him 3 years ago and that was there were plenty of men in this boys life who could perform the function...did not need to be him!
 
#80 ·
Your goal seems to be getting him to see things your way. He doesn't and he's not going to.....perhaps if you gave him a taste of his own medicine he might but otherwise you're a mean mommy stopping him from doing what he wants to do.

So you have to stop trying to get him to see things your way and instead make very clear what you will and won't live with. If he wants to throw a tantrum that's his problem, he sounds a little immature anyway. To be honest I don't think 24 and 35 is a great idea because of the enormous maturity difference, and this is particularly true when the guy is younger. But that's water under the bridge now and you're married.

Right now he's acting like a toddler that's pushing boundaries and every time you back up and renegotiate you lose a little more credibility. Make clear to him what you will and won't live with and if he wants to stay married that's what you require. Seriously, you said he doesn't want you talking to exes so why don't you tell him you don't want him making demands and you're going to do what the hell you want? He's behaving like someone who either doesn't really want to be married or like someone who thinks his wife will b!tch and moan but in the end won't do anything about it. So which is it?

It's not an ultimatum, it's a boundary. But you have to decide for yourself what you're willing to live with and what you're willing to do if he pushes. If in the end you're bent on holding onto him then you really have no leverage except doing unto him what he does to you. There may have to come a point where you're willing to give him up, and THAT may be what really drives things home for him. It says a lot about how he views you that these wh0res and their kids are more important; their kids are not his responsiblity. If you were that important to him he'd drop them at the slightest hint of discomfort on your part.
 
#81 ·
When my DH claimed he didn't understand why I didn't want him being friends with a particular ex, we went round and round trying to get the other to see our point of view.

Then, DH says "I'm a grown adult! You can't tell me who I can and cannot be friends with!" And I had an AH-HA! moment.

I replied, very quietly, "You're right. I can't. But I CAN tell you what I will and will not put up with. And I can tell you that if you decide to be friends with that woman, I will see it as you being disloyal to me and I will leave you over it."

End of story. Simple. No more debate. No more trying to get him to see. Just a statement of fact about how I feel and what I'll do. Never had a problem with him talking to any ex at all after that.
 
#82 ·
And THIS is how you handle things. I had something similar with my hb, he had very poor boundaries with his ex and her family. I wasn't going to tell him who he could and couldn't see but his choices do tell me where his loyalties lie and I will make my decisions accordingly. He's been much better since then.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#84 ·
Do you think the age difference plays a part in yout reaction. You mentioned you are 11 yrs older, he was 24 when you married, you have been married 35 yrs. So to break it down

You married narcissistic man at around 18 have a son and daughter.
You divorces H after 15yrs.
You remarried at 35 to a an 11 years younger man, he is 24.

Rounding numbers you are currently 68 and he is 57.
You at one time worked as a social worker and are currently a Librarian. He works for the a govement agency.
Did you ever have another child, with him?

My point is there might be some other issues you have only hinted at. Perhaps you are retired doing vol work while he is working full time, thus changing decades old habits. He might be mouring the lost opportunity to have his own child and seeks surrounde children.

None of which changes the fact that you are one hundred and one percent right in speaking out. If he had said my wife and I would love to see you at the game, it would have changed the story. But if this math is right do you think it changed your approach?
 
#85 ·
Dang iPod it's surrogate. I think it knows I am more of a PC guy.
 
#89 ·
I have a problem with the way his wife responded. No man needs to be monitored and bossed around. He got angry and she became bossier. There is no indication he had a prior affair and one suspects he left the material about the girlfriend around because he was angry.

My view would change if he had a prior affair and needed to be monitored. But if not, men and women have a right to talk to other people and not have to report to their spouses like employees.
 
#90 ·
Bobby, reread the OPs posts.

Her H has a history of behavior with female friends that toes and then crosses lines into clealy inappropriate territory.

And, yes, married people are certainly free to tell their spouses to MYOB. However, their spouses are also free to say that they'll be minding their own business as a single person from a new residence
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#91 ·
First, either he did or did not have an affair. If not, then he gets the benefit of the doubt and can monitor himself and does not require email monitoring. She can quietly check what he is doing.

This type of comment is offensive "I was concerned about his having personal emails on a government server (which he's told me is not allowed). So she knows more about his work and how it should be conducted than him. I notice women can have a lot of criticism about men but don't seem to be so keen about constructive advice from us about things that are personal to them such as how they can lose weight.
 
#92 ·
Well, if he told her that he's not supposed to have personal emails sent to his .gov email, it's probably because he didn't want her accidentally sending him some. Likely it's in his Acceptable Use Policy for work, which he has to sign-off on as having read and agreed to its terms. You can be sure that a government job will have stricter controls in place around acceptable use due to data classification and sensitivity. So, if he's asking her not to send him emails at work, it's kind of hypocritical if he's letting this OW email him without pushing back, don't you think?

If his wife was reminding him about the personal email rule, she's reminding him of his own work rules, which he TOLD her to respect in the first place. I don't see how that equates to her being nosy and bossy.
 
#97 ·
"If he told her that he's not supposed to have personal emails sent to his .gov email," that would mean he was aware of the policy and did not need her education and clarification. I do notice women are not so happy to receive such clarification about things important to them. I was away with a group and a pleasant but somewhat rotund woman asked her fiancé if she should have the seven layer cake and he said no. My gosh, you could almost hear the gasps and couldn't believe the looks the poor guy got from the other women at the table (and he was specifically asked for his opinion). They would probably be the first ones to chime in with criticism about what their husbands could do better.

If my wife spoke or mentioned an ex, no it would probably not bother me. I suppose that is because I have not had any doubts about her fidelity or she about mine and we have a good relationship. Generally if someone says they do not trust you or believe you are incompetent that makes men angry. It is sometimes frustrating about how careful women are to make sure that casual acquaintances are not offended by one thing or another but how blunt they can be with close family members who should be treated better not worse. I was talking with a family member who was discussing something with her daughter and I asked why don't you speak nicer to her and compliment her and then if need be add constructive comments. She pondered this for a second and said, I do not need to tip-toe around my daughter and can say what I want.
 
#99 ·
Here's an update of where things are at now. To answer some posts above...I was 21 when I met my first husband, 23 when I married him and 35 when I left him. I remarried at 40, although I met my second husband when I was 37 and he was 26 (sorry had the age wrong before at 24). I had two kids, boy and girl, with my first husband that my second husband helped raise starting at ages 10 and 13. So he had the opportunity to be a father-figure...and he's a good one. I'm now 64 and he's 53. He was a very "old" 26 when I met him...everyone always thinks he's at least 10 years older...and I did too when I first met him. He was and is very good with money and responsibility overall. Where he gets stuck is emotional things...I know it overwhelms him. He has gotten better over the years but when our differences become an emotional thing it has always been hard for him...he shuts down. Eventually he comes around though.

I admit that the thought of being on my own again scares me. But I've done it before and I would do it again if I need to. I've always been rather independent but the idea of losing all the we've built together causes me to get weak in the knees. And even though he's being a big jerk about this ex business he's otherwise a decent loving guy that is fun to be with. I'm pretty sure he would never cheat on me physically...it's just that he's so clueless about some emotional things that I think he gets over his head pretty quickly. What I mean is that he thinks he's being a great "friend" but the ex's think he's meaning something more. And this is part of the issue. These old ex girlfriends are still single after all these years and as they get older he's looking pretty nice...good finances, etc. They are making themselves pretty available.
 
#100 ·
I understand he's a good guy...except for the not being exclusive part.

But you have to make a decision - show him you're willing to share him with someone...or show him you're not.

He is then FREE to make his OWN decision - put you first and give up talking to old gfs...or lose you. Period.

And you are the only person capable of making this happen. You really do have to be willing to lose this marriage if not sharing him is paramount to you, in order to save it.
 
#101 ·
Yes I think you're right. I have been thinking a lot about this lately. After I got so broken down, when he said our marriage was in serious trouble...something inside me broke. At first I was unsure what that meant but now it feels like a good thing. I feel less connected in the old way and more separate. It has allowed me to reassess things from different perspectives...to really take to heart what people here have been saying. And to feel stronger inside myself.

To answer another poster above...when I met my husband, he was the one who first said there should be no contact with ex's. This was in response to a couple of my old boyfriends contacting me. I agreed...no problem. When he met PV at a game a couple of years later, that didn't bother me per-se, it was more that he had been gone so long, had not brought her over to introduce me, and then was cold and angry when I tried to find out where he'd been. After much arguing and discussion over his response...and then my feeling that because of that I had no desire for him to have contact with her...he agreed to no contact (this is the promise he broke here recently). When he met up with SC, I was okay with that until it became very clear she was thinking of more than friendship and he wouldn't admit she was trying to be more than a friend. He again was cold, angry and totally reluctant to see what was happening. He finally agreed to no contact with her --- I would not tolerate it given how he had treated me! And, of course, here we go again with PV again...same pattern of his being cold and angry with me because it upsets me.

I think the main difference now from before when we've gone through this is I've been unwilling to let go of what I think needs to be resolved for the sake of letting things get "back to normal"...which is what he is used to (rug sweeping?). I think he has been surprised by this...by my not letting things go.

I finally had a good talk with him last night. I had this talk because of a note he gave me saying he felt he had done nothing wrong. I told him very calmly and concisely but with intensity that YES he had done something wrong --- he had broken his promise to me when he encouraged more contact with PV. Now she thinks he is interested in more contact. I told him I would not put up with him breaking his promises to me. I told him I would not tolerate any further contact between them ever again and I would not put up with this kind of thing. I did not need to spell it out...he knew what I meant. I told him that I left my first husband and I could leave him too. I told him I expected an apology right now...not after we read the book...but right now.

He apologized for breaking his promise and told me he will not have contact with her.

This is not done though. We are still reading the book and there is more to talk about.
 
#103 · (Edited)
Things are still strained but going a little better. However some things have happened during the past several weeks that may be part of the problem. They are day-to-day interactions and ways of behaving that may lead up to the difficulty in communicating when a crisis happens. I'm curious what you think.

We went on a weekend trip to his elderly folks, something we try to do once a month, and he complained bitterly about the motel bill saying we could stay at his folk's house but I demanded the motel. I do the reservations and always try to get us the most reasonable rates. I've tried telling him a million times that it doesn't work to stay at their house. The bed is too small, the bedroom is right by the loud heat pump which they have running continuously because his mom likes the house at 82 degrees. Also it puts a strain on his folks to "host" us. Weird thing is he will go on and on about the cost and his mom always slips him money for the motel (they are wealthy) so it's not like he's really having to pay it. It's just something he complains loudly about and ruins the trip for me. FYI - we did stay at his folk's house for years but I admit I finally could not do it anymore after 15 years...it was too uncomfortable to stay there.

In the past I tried talking and talking to him about it...trying to get him to see how his complaining was ruining the trip, etc. but it never worked, never. Now what I'm going to do if he starts complaining is say I'm not going. Or if we are mid-trip I'll just return home. Since this happens every time we take a trip I am thinking of front-ending it and saying "If you start complaining about the cost of this trip I just want to let you know that I'm not going"

I've also told him many times in the past that he can go alone sometimes if he wants (then he can stay at their house) but he has never ever wanted to do this. He surprised me last week by saying that he would go by himself to see them in October.

This does spark some worry on my part as his ex-girlfriend "PV" (the one we've had the whole issue with) lives nearby his folks. If he does go by himself should I bring up what will happen if he contacts her while he's there? Or am I being paranoid? I really don't want to be weird about things.

So here's the other thing that happened on Sunday. We were talking about upcoming calendar stuff and I said I had an initial appointment for lyme disease (yeah - tests show I have lyme antibodies and my doc wants me under the care of a naturopathic doctor who specializes in lyme disease). He said in response "Can we really afford this? I've put off laser treatment for my toe fungus for five years" I said "You never told me about needing laser treatment...(he hadn't)" He ignored this and said with a roll of eyes and disgusted look "We've had to spend the money on other things like weddings. He says I demanded we spend too much money on our son's (his stepson's) wedding. I didn't demand anything - I suggested an amount based on what other people in the family were spending. We agreed on the amount. I told him this...that we agreed on the amount - it was not a demand.

Wow - see how quickly the conversation got steered away from my need to see the doctor?

Anyway, I brought things back around by asking him if he was trying to make me feel guilty about going to the doctor? He said that the way I had talked about the treatment it sounded like it was an elective treatment like his toe fungus. Actually when I talked with him weeks earlier I did try to make things sound more positive by saying I hoped I'd be one of the lucky ones who only gets mild symptoms. But I never said it was an elective treatment. In fact I talked about possibly checking out other specialists in the state. I don't think he was listening at all.

He then said "If you're being honest about this, then go to the appointment" What??? This made me angry! I said "No, I'm being dishonest...I'm just trying to pull the wool over your eyes and trick you into letting me go to the doctor. Who are you to say when I can go to the doctor or not?" He shut down. We have good medical insurance so cost is not the issue really.

He later said he was sorry. But all of this is really wearing me down. He says he loves me and all but I begin to wonder.

Is this a control thing? Can a person be loving but also be into double standards and controlling. That's all I can think. We all have our faults. But somehow I just feel so tired...
 
#104 ·
You book a hotel room and tell him he can stay with his folks. Or, as you said, just don't go. Don't pre-empt his possible behavior, just give him fair warning that if YOU feel uncomfortable, you have every intention of finding your way back home.

Lyme is no joke. I was diagnosed 2x years ago then again last year and I have a form of chronic, persistent Lyme. I will test reactive for who knows how long. Lyme is so odd and affects people so differently sometimes, so many regular doctors don't know it by symptoms alone. Seeing a specialist is a good measure. If untreated it goes to your heart and brain. A neighbors teen son was diagnosed years after he'd been bitten, and he has permanent neurological damage (ticks).

Your H is an insensitive arse.
 
#108 ·
How do I stop reacting? Do I say nothing? I thought of that but not sure how to go about it since saying nothing at all then would lead him to think that what he said was okay. Also it is hard not to react when it hurts!

I was thinking of telling him next time we are planning to go on a trip. But I've already told him before that I'm tired of hearing about the cost and his blaming me for it. So maybe next time I just won't go if he starts talking about it...no need to say that's what I'm going to do. Once or twice in the past I said I wouldn't go but then I let him badger me into going with excuses that his folks would miss me and the least I can do is visit them since they are so old, etc. etc.

A big part of this whole problem is me. I've let this pattern continue and not been strong enough to stand firm and as time has gone on he has gotten more insensitive.

I can't begin to tell you how it helps to write here and get feedback. Many of you are very wise in your advice and I appreciate all the ideas on ways to approach these issues. Thanks!
 
#106 ·
Yes, I believe he is controlling. And immature. Quite frankly, it sounds exhausting to be around him.

His arguments are illogical and he brings up things that are completely irrelevant to the topic at hand. I believe he does this to keep you off-balance.
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#107 ·
Seriously, Lyme is NO JOKE. Either he is completely clueless, or a complete a$$.

What does him not getting laser treatment on his toe have to do with your Lyme?

Absolutely nothing.

What does your son's wedding have to do with your Lyme?

Absolutely nothing.

Your H doesn't seem to care about your health, happiness, or comfort.
 
#111 ·
So I demanded we go to a counselor now...reading a book is not enough. I told him if he treats me disrespectfully again I will leave and he will not see me again. He said "Don't you want to help make me better? Because if you don't then we should get divorced."

His statement told me a lot. As all of you have said I can do nothing to make him better. I can only take care of myself. I have to admit that emotionally I was too tired at that point to even try to explain to him why I can't help make him better. And I had to admit to myself that all these years I have been trying to do doing just that...it has been my part of the dysfunctional relationship. Now I am trying to stop my behavior and it has changed our dynamic.

I called a well respected couple's counselor but she can't see us until the first of November. So we are in a holding pattern. He has been really nice the past several days....flowers, hugs, etc. But for me the ups and downs have been so frequent lately that I am skittish - waiting for the next outburst to happen.
 
#112 ·
So we are in a holding pattern. He has been really nice the past several days....flowers, hugs, etc.
Of course he has. He's skating around the Cycle of Abuse, like ALL abusers/controllers do. Upset her? Kiss her ass so she forgets why she's mad at me. Not upset any more? Ramp it back up so she's scared of making ME mad.

Refuse the flowers. Stay mad. Reject the hugs. SHOW him that you deserve respect.
 
#113 ·
Hmmmmm, sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

He's with you and shouldn't care less about his last woman and that means no contact.

Over the 16 years being married to Mrs.CuddleBug, I have never had an interest or desire to find out were my ex gf is and what she is doing at present.

I barely even remember what she looked like.

Only reason you keep in touch with an ex is because the spark is still there and could turn into a small flame and then a fire again.

Playing with fire you get burned.
 
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