General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
You might also do some reading about women who kind of change once they become mothers. There is something missing in their lives, due to their childhood, and they kind of 'latch onto' the kid as their salvation - their way of proving to the world, themselves, and likely their parents, that they are 'good.' So they kind of become obsessed with being seen as the only true parent, the only one capable of raising the child; she may be locking you out so she can do that. Remember, however, that if this is the case, she will not REALIZE she is doing it - it's very deep, very subconscious, kind of a need she feels. You can probably find some online magazine articles about it. I'm not saying that's her, but it's one possibility.
Turnera, have I mentioned that I like you before??? :P Seriously just had an epiphany on some dynamics happening in my extended family solely thru this post... Thank you!!!!!
It brings to mind Sixth Sense, where it turns out the dead girl was poisoned by her mom, because it made the mom the eternal victim - oh, you poor woman, how do you manage, it must be horrible to have such a sick child, you're a true martyr... I forget the name of that disease of people who do that.
It brings to mind Sixth Sense, where it turns out the dead girl was poisoned by her mom, because it made the mom the eternal victim - oh, you poor woman, how do you manage, it must be horrible to have such a sick child, you're a true martyr... I forget the name of that disease of people who do that.
Your current perspective presents like you're doing all the "right" things in the relationship and she's behaving immaturely and unappreciative. While this could be the case, your behavior in return will only be reinforcing these patterns between you. It sounds like you need to create some healthy boundaries if she name-calls, stamps her feet and lacks manners.
It's great you're in counciling. I hope she continues with you - I don't understand why she'd have a problem trusting you in relation to the therapist. Do you know why? If she's keen to continue therapy with you, would it be worthwhile switching to a different therapist, perhaps a male, to help ease her mind until you start getting to the root of what's going on or is she fine now that you're going together?
I hope I'm doing the right things. I'll admit I'm far from perfect and I can often seem distracted and inattentive. On the other hand, I don't feel very motivated to pay attention (to her at least) when any attempts I do make at improving are only met by more criticism. But I really do try to be a good dad and husband.
Interesting question about the therapist. At the time, the only thing she knew about the therapist was that she was female. I had gone to a couple of sessions without my wife at first. One day, she changed her mind and decided to go with me. I thought it was an abrupt change, but she had apparently been thinking about it for a few weeks. Anyway, she said she wanted to come to the very next session which was a couple of days away. Between trying to arrange babysitting and checking with the therapist to make sure it was OK if what she thought was a one-on-one session would turn into a couples session, I told my wife I wasn't sure if we could pull off a couples visit on such short notice. She immediately exploded on me, wondering why I thought it was a "bother" for both of us to go to counseling after I had been "badgering" her for months to go. She accused me of being wishy-washy and two-faced. Apparently in her mind, the only reason I would be stressed about a change of counseling plans on short notice was because I was having a fling.
Now that she has met the counselor, she knows this lady is a strict professional, exceedingly ethical, and a grandmotherly figure to boot. So my wife has no questions now about whether I'm steppin' out with the therapist. But the only way I can piece it together was that we had a misunderstanding and a last minute change of plans, and I didn't instantly embrace the plan and run with it. So of course the only explanation for that must be an affair, right?
Turnera, have I mentioned that I like you before??? :P Seriously just had an epiphany on some dynamics happening in my extended family solely thru this post... Thank you!!!!!
Her posts are preceptive and sometimes clairvoyant.
OK, got "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Interesting so far. I think all the examples in the first chapter could have been written by me. I especially felt for the poor guy who got his daughter all dressed one morning only to have his wife tell him it was the wrong outfit. Or when she came into the kitchen while he was still cleaning it and criticized him because he hadn't wiped down the counter yet. Boy, did that bring back some memories!
Still working my way through it. Tough to find time to read because I don't dare leave it where she can see it. I even checked it our from the library so it wouldn't show up on our credit card from Amazon! The existence of this book is something I don't think I should let out of the bag just yet.
Tonight, my son wanted to go on a ride with his trike. She told me to stay within 2 driveways of our house, so she could keep an eye on me. I decided to quit enabling her unreasonable behavior. I told her he was my son and I could take him on a bike ride around the block if I wanted to. I did, but she followed us as well, about a half a block away the whole time, just to make sure our son was safe.
After his bed time, I asked her why she thought I was so irresponsible. She brought up the same laundry list I've heard before with a new one; apparently, I forgot to lock one of the doors the other night before going to bed (we live in a fairly safe neighborhood on a dead-end street). On the night in question, she was arguing with me and snapped at me to "Just go to bed" so I did. Yes, I was careless to leave the door unlocked. But the situation was not exactly helped by our fight. And she was still awake in the living room for another couple of hours, so she caught the door thing before turning in. But that's another example of how unsafe I am to have in the house.
Oh yeah, I also allowed our son to draw with a crayon on top of the heat pump, and I forgot to water some flowers in the corner of the yard not hit by the sprinkler so now they're wilting. She actually used the defacement of the heat pump and the wilting flowers as proof that I can't take care of my son. (I have since cleaned off the scribblings from the heat pump and watered the flowers). On the heat pump thing, she actually called it a "stupid" thing to do in front of our son.
She said if I take our son on any more bike rides out of her sight, she'll take him and leave for an undisclosed location to "keep him safe." When I asked her what she would do if I laid down the same ultimatum, she stated, "Our therapist said when one of us says a conversation is over, it's over. This one's over." Interesting to me how she can take our therapist's advice to end a conversation when I ask a question that's tough to answer. But I'm respecting her "time out" and venting here instead.
Wish I knew an answer for this mess. I'm feeling hopeless that this can be resolved. It breaks my heart to think of my little guy growing up in another man's home.
Wish I knew an answer for this mess. I'm feeling hopeless that this can be resolved.
Hurt, I suggest you also get Stop Walking on Eggshells at the library. It is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the spouses and partners of BPDers. As I indicated above, I am not convinced your W has strong BPD traits because you seem to have noticed such behavior only in the past two years -- not the preceding 13 years.
Yet, the symptoms you mention -- verbal abuse, blaming, inability to trust, black-white thinking, difficult parents, and fibromyalgia -- are troubling red flags. There may be some other red flags you will recognize when reading that book. I also suggest that you go to a clinical psychologist for at least one visit -- on your own and without your W -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. If your W does have strong BPD traits, the psych is far more likely to speak candidly about such traits if she is not his client, in which case he does not have to protect her from that knowledge.
I don't dare leave it where she can see it. I even checked it our from the library so it wouldn't show up on our credit card from Amazon! The existence of this book is something I don't think I should let out of the bag just yet.
Because...?
You don't want her to know you are growing a spine? Why? Is she going to beat you up?
If you want a real marriage, for god's sake, start being honest with her.
If your wife has threatened to take your child away from you, you need to report it. Not sure to whom, exactly, but you need to get it written down, legally, somewhere so that if she disappears, she will have a 'record.' Once you have taken that step, the next time she threatens you, you can say 'go ahead; I've already reported you, and if you take him away from me, the police will be looking for YOU, not me.'
You don't want her to know you are growing a spine? Why? Is she going to beat you up?
If you want a real marriage, for god's sake, start being honest with her.
The subtitle of the book is: "Getting what you want in love, sex and life."
In her current frame of mind, she would probably see this as a handbook on how to have an affair. I thought I'd let my actions speak for themselves. If she thinks I'm just doing something because a book said to, it might not be as credible. That's how she thinks.
BTW, the move I made where I looked her in the eye and told her I was going to take our son on his bike was a result of the book. Her reaction speaks for itself.
Thought I had a good day today. Tried to shower my son with attention. Tried to take care of a couple of things that my wife needed done. Played and laughed a lot with the little tike. There was one incident after supper tonight, when my son had my boots on (looked adorable) and was trying to fit his feet into a space that they normally fit but wouldn't with my size 11 boots on. He started getting cranky, and was asking me to help him. I was sitting there watching this develop, trying to decide the best course of action; do I tell him he has to take my boots off? Do I try to help him ( I was actually concerned if he did fit his feet into this space he might twist his knee or something)? Do I try to distract him? I was trying to decide what to do for maybe 5 or 6 seconds, when she starts yelling at me that I'm ignoring him and damaging his emotions. After he went to bed, she told me that was proof that I didn't care about him. Said if I really wanted her and him to stay, she wanted to see some proof that I'm fighting for our marriage. Said I was apathetic and ignoring him on purpose.
By what you've stated, you do not sound like a bad father. Your wife on the other hand needs some serious therapy. I agree, if she is in chronic pain that could very well contribute to her demeanor. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: She doesn't trust me 
Her posts are preceptive and sometimes clairvoyant.
