lisa1986

Hi all,

Hoping someone can give me some advice. I will try and keep it as short as possible:

I am 25 and have been with my boyfriend since i was 16. We spend all our time together and are very open with each other. He's very generous with me, protects me and i couldn't imagine life without him.

Lately, we have got extremely adventurous sexually. He expressed an interest in all sorts of fetishes - all of which i have agreed to and not felt under pressure at all. We have spent alot of money on toys, outfits & props and he looks at other things.

Well, i have found out that he has been chatting online to other women - looking for an online Mistres. He is very open with them - telling them ANYTHING they want to know about him. He has payed a few of them money as they have demanded it, sent them pictures of himself, tells them he will do anything they want him to, has payed them for their used underwear to send him. The women have asked him if he has a girlfriend and he said ‘yes and love her so much but i like to be kinky’. There are hundreds of sent messages to different women and i know that he emails them while at work, in my company, any time of the day. You can only imagine what has been said in all these emails. By the way stumbled across them when i went to log into my emails and his were sitting there.

I feel devastated, obviously, but feel that i can only either keep quiet or break up with him. I cannot talk to him about it as he will just get more sly about it so this will solve nothing. My reason for posting on here is i need some outside advice. I cant talk to anyone i know as im embarrassed.

He is my best friend - i tell him my secrets, all about my day, ask his advice, spend all my time with him, do most things together etc. I just dont know how i can get past this, will he ever meet these people, where do the emails stop, where does the paying money stop, is this just a phase??? The thought of breaking up with him makes me feel sick, the thought of going further in life this way and regretting it makes me feel sick, and the thought of breaking up with him and regretting it makes me feel sick. This does not enter my head alot, as i dont want to throw our relationship away over it, but this is something ive kept to myself for a while and i have considered all sorts.

This is just the outline, i could be here all day writing everything. Please dont be nasty and call me an idiot coz im sure thats what i look like, i really genuinely need some advice / opinions - anyone been through anything similar etc?

Thanks x

conerned

Chances are he is aware he is crossing the line, but he thinks he still has one foot inside the line.

Confront him and tell him you are ok with some things, but are probably not ok with some other things he is doing.

Let him know you want to find the right balance between having fun, and putting the relationship at risk. A discussion about what is ok and what isn't will clarify where the line is and then you will both know when it's been crossed.

When he crosses the newly mutually defined line, you both should agree on what it would signify.

For example, flirting may be ok so long as personal information isn't exchanged. Where the line is drawn is up to the two of you.

Some relationships draw the line at going out alone after 10PM, and others may draw the line at no more than 2 women in bed at once... the point being that you need to know your limits and what you can accept, and you need him to be aware of your limits and the consequences for pushing them too far.

dragora

conerded is right. The best way to approach this is with open honesty. You asked if this is just a phase & will it ever stop? It isn't & it won't. Speaking as some one who has a few unusual fetishes which always puts strain on relationships, pretending like it's not there & trying to repress it just makes it worse in the long run.

You could perhaps try to take your sexual relationship to the level he's after? If you don't want that, you could try to come round to the idea of letting him have a mistress. If you really love him & want to save your relationship, I'd strongly suggest you speak to people who have these kinds of fetishes, try to gain some of their perspective so you know where he's coming from.

I really do wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy situation to be in, for either of you!

Closer

Do some self-analysis and self-reflection.

Some questions you might ask yourself are:

Can I go on with this?

Do I really accept him for who he is?

Am I willing to compromise?

What are my limits?

Can I allow myself to give him what he wants?


Then have a deep heart-to-heart talk with him. Suspension of judgment and exercising empathy is key here.

After your discussion, do some self-analysis and self-reflection again.

After you've done this, you'll have a much more clear perspective about what you want from your relationship.

If he doesn't change by then, I would personally suggest you move on even though it's 'hard'.

You'll always find someone better. That's a fact.

Jellybeans

Confront him immediately with what you know.

Only you can decide whether to stay or go.

lisa1986

Thanks for the replies. It's good to get other opinions on something you cannot talk to anyone else about.

Unfortunately though I cannot confront him about it as he knows already I don't like it. We have had numerous discussions in the past on this subject and he already knows how I feel about it so going over all that again will not solve anything. I also don't want to tell him I know as I don't want him to get even more secretive about it and promises he won't continue!

Reason for all this is I caught him before just chatting to women, harmless not like what he's doing now. I confronted him and he promised he would never do it again.

Catch 22!

Maybe I should carry on just trying to deal with it and accept it..

:-(
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