Seek therapy. You ran into predators that saw a vulnerable person and pounced.
You tried moving on to quickly before you built yourself up, work on your issues. Being abandoned by a loved one can and most likely be a scarring event. You now have emotional issues due to it, or if you had some issues before, this definitely exacerbated the problems by compounding it.
Learn to prioritize yourself and learn to love yourself. You should always love your self over a partner. That way you at least respect yourself and do not put up with actions that are detrimental towards you.
Instead of looking at all males, what is it that attracts you to these men.
I will be honest. I avoid troubled females, but again, there are men that take advantage of vulnerable females.
So, focus on you and seek some help. Be a complete person by yourself and share that with someone instead of trying to find someone who completes you.
I did recongnise that....I recognised that I was being drawn to passionate / red hot men who were full of it and it was because I was down on myself and they were spotting my vulnerability.
I have been in therapy for two years and doing really well getting past the abandonment.
I suppose with this man it was totally diferrent. It was friendship, it was slow, it was something where I didn't feel fireworks or a mad desire for him. I just felt a growing closeness and waited to be intimate.
He was consistent, he was dependable, he was solid and a good person
Yet here I end up yet again.
I don't want to be alone forever.
I was alone forever before. I'm tired of being alone I suppose. I made a conscious choice to eb single from 25 to 30 and had that "getting to know me" time and then met my great love at 30 and he left when I was 35 because he had a nervous breakdown.
It's been two years now, I have done the painful work of recovery and I am just wondering if it's normal for people to be so awful. I maybe led a sheltered life before
Don't feel ashamed, feel offended. He's a complete @rse.
Try to shift your perspective. You weren't rejected by a worthwhile person, you were unfortunately duped by a worthless person. He fooled you into thinking he was someone worth knowing but underneath it all, he wasn't. He had to hide who he really was because otherwise no one would bother with him at all. Pretty sad and pathetic really.
You will be okay. Focus on the good things in your life.
We'd both been hurt quite badly (his story almost as sad as mine) and I was always the one who was nervous and scared of getting close. He was always the one saying a life without love was nothing and he wanted to build a grow a relationship.
The message he sent me said:
"I apologise for what I have done. We had that long talk about past relationships and I opened up to you and the things you said made me think about me, my role in it and it all came flooding back. I need to sort myself out, how I have behaved here is poor. I just lost my contracting job and have no work again for a while. I am going to use this time to rebuild myself, my behavior, habits, morals as I have lost the plot and lost myself along the way. I work so hard to be able to provide for my kids and yet my ex wife seems to always be one step ahead of me, giving them more and taking them to places I wish I was taking them. It makes me feel s**t. I am so very sorry for everything. I am a s**t person and need to get myself to a better place. I am sorry for wasting your time and taking you to bed. I just can't handle it. I don't know if I can ever be with someone again, just too batterred and can't imagine getting close to a woman again. I was hurt and I am scared of that. I didn't mean to treat you badly, please understand and accept that"
Well, that puts it into a different category. Not a predator, but messed up. Either way, not someone who would be healthy to be with. I think you've made a lucky escape.
He seems to resent taking it to the level he did. Very uncommitted, the commitment you witnessed was him trying to be the person he wanted to be, the man you wanted him to be. He feels that he failed himself, he failed to be who he wanted to be... This guy was never himself. I wouldn't say that he is malicious, or that he intended to harm you, but he clearly exposed himself, and that man he exposed is self loathing, inadequate, and a failure.
The boy has self esteem issues. He is not at all comfortable in his own skin.
Yes, he does hate himself. He had really severe issues growing up with a bipolar mother who was very cold. She wanted him to be a lawyer nd when he left law school she didn't speak to him for 5 years because she said he was an embarrassment. He is an over achiever, always trying to prove something. He married a woman he didnt love who was a replica of his mother - cold, unsympathetic. He married her at 20 and they split when he was 38 so that was the only life he knew.
He lost his job, got quite down, his mother died and he said he ws at his lowest ever point in life. At that time his ex wife told him to pull himself together. He felt lonely and he met someone else and had an affair...which is what he hates himself for because he left his wife and children six year ago for that woman.
He was unable to forgive himself so lived for three years in limbo. Neither committing to the new woman (who he loved very much) or to his ex wife (who he never truly loved and does not believe ever loved him.
the new woman got sick of it, and left him for someone else when he was on holiday and instantly became pregnant and married within months.
He can't get rid of the guilt at leaving his wife and children. He says his father told him the one thing a real man doesn't do is that, and he hates himself.
He was also hurt nd betrayed by the only woman he had ever shared a real sense of love with and he can't get close to people.
We talked about this a lot when we were together and he properly told me all of it for the first time. He seemed to deeply not realise what a great person he is and although he lives a great life and is an absolutely amazing, loving and fun father he feels he is a failure. He feels his ex wife (very wealthy) is always doing better.
He worked hard to buy three houses, one for eahc of his children and when he went to tell his ex wife she told him he should not have bothered because her parents already put a huge trust fund in place for them.
He's a man who is genuinely lost.
But then so was I. And I feel so sad that he misled me - mybe not intentionally but I had grown to care about him so much as a human being.
We were together three months in all but we were not that intimate I suppose as we'd both been hurt.
I suppose what really annoys me is that I have had him at arms length for so long, and when he told me all this I was angry at first (no one wants to date a cheater) but then as he talked about how he'd felt, and how doing what he did had made him feel more pain than happiness I genuinely at that minute sat there and for the first time started to feel myself deeply attracted to him as a human being.
So at the very minute I was finally becoming attached and ready for intimacy, he was doing the opposite.
I know it's no good to be with an unhealthy person, but I also just felt like in a way him looking back and seeing his mistakes and figuring where he went wrong was actually healthier than the people who pretend they are find and don't address their issues (like my fiance who had a breakdown).
It's a shame he has such bad issues that he couldn't even try.
Or maybe he just didn't like me. Maybe the sex was bad for him. Maybe he doesn't find me attractive. These are all the thoughts in my head.
Maybe you keeping at an arms length makes him want to "conquer" you . IMO , maybe the sex is better to be delayed . A predator will last between 3-6 months to "eat"you . He may already achieved his "objective" to "score ".
sorry if I am too blunt here . This is only my opinion , from experience .
Otherwise , it will best to go in "with eyes wide open "just for the sex if you want to give sex to him within months .
he may tell mess up stories to bring out your "maternal caring instinct " . frankly , the next time someone try to tell you sob stories when it is so long past , he is either a mess or trying to prey on your feelings . ask him to go back to mummy . n you move on to some one more man .
(((Hugs))) It truly wasn't you, it was him. He is a broken man who put on a good show for you. The good thing is that it only took 3 months to find out how broken he was & how incapable he was of sustaining a meaningful relationship. Can you imagine being with him for several years & then experiencing how much of a broken man he is? He did you a favor, for real.
The dating game can seem hopeless, but you can certainly turn this into a learning experience. From what you have told us about him, it seems like he had opened up to you about his past relationships. I'm not going to lie, I see a lot of red flags in what he told you. He seems to pick women that abandon him emotionally & physically (the way his mother did). His first wife was cold to him (emotional abandonment, maybe physical if a sexless marriage), but he also seems to abandon people emotionally & physically when he left his family for another woman. He lived in limbo for 3 years with the GF, not committing to anything (he was emotionally abandoning the GF). The GF got tired of living in limbo & left him (emotional & physical abandonment towards him). All of this is a pattern...
You see, this guy has a pattern of abandoning people & choosing women that will abandon him. That's all he knows. Sometimes the red flags aren't as obvious as other times. But if you look closely, you will see them. Talk with your therapist about this situation & discuss with your therapist about how to look deeper for red flags. But whatever you do, don't blame yourself or think it's all hopeless. (((hugs)))
It may not be that he chose woman who abandons him . But he may be an a8s who is always in limbo or some kind of Sh*t so the woman cant take it any longer and left him . Not abandon him .
I think maybe the reason he was so convincing was that he believed it himself. He talked to me about past mistakes, how he struggled to forgive himself and I suppose I was so dumb I presumed as he had awareness of where he had gone wrong the pattern was broken. Obviously not.
He sent me a long letter an hour ago from work. Rambling I guess about the fact that he is completely lonely, completely isolated himself and has forgotten how to allow anyone close and doesnt think he ever properly has. How he plays a role of being fine but has no one to turn to etc. etc. Reading it - it's very well written and self aware and I am sure the objective of it is to make me feel better and explain his actions...or maybe to feel less guilty. He think he has emotional attachment issues and he says he is going to get counselling. Looking it over I can see that he seems like a very emotionally intelligent man with a good heart (exactly what I was seeking) but I suppose I didn't see he was also a complete screw up who knows what the problem if but lacks the balls to change it.
I am the third woman he has ever dated.
the wife from 20 - 38.
The girlfrend from 38 - 41
Me after a three year gap alone.
He seemed on paper to be great. Single for a while. Not a serial dater. Totally into planning nice dates. Gentleman. Supportive. Called every day. Interested in me. Talked to my friends nicely.
Everything felt like it was stacking up correctly.
It sems there are no real rules to it. Messed up men are on every corner (I am sure women too) and sometimes they are good, nice, normal people who are just messed up inside.
One thing that would make me feel a lot better is if I genuinely believe he did this because he found the intimacy difficult rather than just stopping liking me after we had sex. That is what is really bothering me.
try to stop thinking about it . I am not saying it is easy .
He may believe in whatever he says .
BUT LOST
I have learned also people who lie and are blamers , fabricate stories and repeatedly tell to anyone who would listen till they internalised it to be ACTUALLY THE TRUTH !!!!!
I am talking about my ex and his entire family .
So dont believe what he tells you . You wont know what is true or not now .
Maybe telling yourself you find out now better than after you marry him .
He was damaged by his mother and made to feel worthless. He was further damaged by his wife and made to feel worthless. His behavior (which was driven by the need to feel valued) made him feel worthless. Assuming it is all true. He needs some SERIOUS help. Long term. Years. He won't be ready for a real relationship for a long time. He needs to stop living up to everyone else's expectations and live up to his OWN.
You don't have the time to wait for the damage to be repaired and you need someone you can trust which isn't him. We've all given too much to the wrong person before. Give yourself time to heal, continue with your own self worth and feelings, make strong female friendships and don't worry about men. Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't. Either way you can be happy.
I'm sorry for what you've been going through and don't mean to trivialize it in any way.
But look at it this way - you were getting serious with a man who cheated on his wife and left her and two kids for another woman. You don't know she never really loved him - that's just a story cheaters tell themselves and the other women who come along afterwards to make themselves feel better. Trust me, I know.
You have dodged a bullet, here. Would you really want to marry a man who you know has cheated on his wife?
I suppose there's the messed up part of my flawed analysis. I was very angry about the wife thing (he told me about this at the weekend, I did not know before and it came as a big confession he had been holding in) and I was of course totally turned off and we had a very long talk about it. What made me move past it and forgive him was that he described feeling so guilty, feeling so horrible about himself and regretting it so much in terms of the pain he caused (and he did not try and blame her when he told the story) I actually thought...well here is a guy who has done wrong, but that was 6 years ago, he has paid a huge price, learned a huge lesson and that to me was impressive in a way if that makes sense. His pain was obvious when he talked about it. He seemed like he hated himself.
EnjoliWoman, everything you are saying is what he has said in his email - so maybe he is just being honest that he is a very screwed up person and I do understand that would have caused me more pain in the long term and that people that screwed up can't love you back. I think that's the best way to look at it.
What concerns me is that despite all i have been through and being 37, I find myself with a lot of choice over who to date and not hard up but somehow despite trying to be as smart as possible I end up with unstable people.
It might be something about me. I have to think. It would be good in a way to feel like the control is partially within me to protect myself in future. I feel totally battered, worn and exhausted to the point I just contacted by fiance who abandoned me for the first time in a year.
Th whole episode is not really about the man I am dating...I wasn't in love with him...but yes, intimacy and trust had begun to grow, but it's more about just being hurt yet again when I am so, so tired of it.
I do have great female friends, and a great life, but I do miss intimacy and love in my life.
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