General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I been with my girlfriend for nearly 20 years, I'm 37 and she's 35. We have 2 great kids and have gone through a lot in our relationship what with both of them being very premature. Normally we cope with everything that life throws us, but I'm really starting to struggle now. For many years now, our sex life has been really poor, only having sex once every 2-3 months. Even when we do have sex, she is very un-enthusiastic and I'm pretty much left to do everything. The last time we had sex, her exact words were 'can you not take ages'! This is unfortunately how I think she views all of our intimate moments, just hurry up and get it over and done with! She very rarely initiates anything and is 99% of the time left up to me, then pretty much just lies there. Considering how long we have been together, she doesn't even seem to have any interest or knowledge as to what I like. I bought her some nice (not tacky) sexy underwear, this was a little of a hint as we were having problems and I thought this might spice things up a little. She's worn it possibly twice and it's sat in a drawer for years now. As I mentioned earlier, I have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 6 month old. The bitterness and resentment I am starting to feel is probably quite obvious at times and is slowly pushing me towards leaving her, but the thought of leaving my children just breaks my heart.
I have tried talking to her about it, but she usually ignores the problem or goes on the attack and as far as I can tell, has never given me a reason for why there is a problem. It could be something I'm doing, or not doing, but if she won't say, how can I fix it? It probably doesn't help that the only time the problem of our sexlife is brought up is when I get so pissed off and so bitter that I barely talk to her and then it generally comes out during a row. After the row, things may change, we maybe have sex, but then pretty much go straight back to the 2-3 month gap2. She'll say she's tired because she's been looking after the children all day, but this was happening long before we had children. She would also blame her long shifts at work, but even if she isn't tired, there was always something else that would stop things. Then there is the actual act, I already said she shows no enthusiasm, it's not moans of pleasure but moans because she's cold or some other trivial thing. I'm not a rough lover, but that is another excuse she uses for not having sex. Something will be sore from the last time we had sex, this can even be months after, yet she hasn't seen the need for a doctors appointment! I showed her a article on the Internet where a study showed 5 or 6 reasons why sex was good for you, she pretty much shot down all of them with an exact opposite view! I thought if I stopped trying she would maybe come round and change, but if I do that, then the sex just stops completely. I think the last time I tried that there was a gap of nearly 3.5 months, and in all that time she never mentioned the lack of any intimacy.
I'm looking over this and I think the bitterness I feel towards her is apparent and it scares me. I see more and more people saying things don't improve and will probably end up in a split. I love her dearly and I don't want us to split up, but she knows there is a problem and I have told her how close I have been to leaving her, yet she does nothing to try and change things. I just wonder sometimes if that is what she wants! I know there is probably a good chance that it is my fault, but without any hints from her I am at a loss. I do think she loves me, but I also think that she would prefer to not bother with sex.
Please help, because I'm so close to just giving up completely and moving out.
I am sorry you are having to go through this. It seems to be a very common theme in many long-term relationships.
Any relationship takes some amount of effort and commitment from BOTH individuals. This means that your lady needs to be willing to put in as much effort to help right this ship as you. Is she willing to work things out at all? Does she acknowledge there is any issue? Would you be willing to go to counseling together or alone to try and work through any issues?
Many people, especially women, just have lower libidos that can get torpoed by stress, fatigue, and resentment. Having a baby not that long ago is a huge stressor on a woman that can depress her libido even naturally since the hormonal changes that happen after childbirth usually depress a woman's natural physical libido. Is she breast-feeding? That depresses libido. Is she on any kind of hormonal birth control? That can depress libido. Is she on any other medications, such as anti-depressants? Some of those can depress libido.
Like I said, it takes both people to work on it. But, even a lower drive partner can have an active, healthy, and great sex life with a higher drive partner if both are committed to it and to each other.
It can be terribly hard to articulate what we want from our partners - maybe why when you ask her what it is she wants, she does not know. Are you two willing to explore this together, perhaps by reading a couple of good relationship books like the following:
I am sure there will be some of the men-folk who will come along and be able to give you some ideas on how to make yourself more sexually attractive to your partner. I have seen the following links often given to help in that arena:
When the two of you first got together, was she like this? Was there every a "honeymoon phase" where she seemed to enjoy sex at all?
You'll get a wide variety of ideas, suggestions, and opinions as to why she is not interested. Here's what I'm wondering: is she angry about something else lacking in the relationship? Sometimes women withhold sex as a control mechanism because they aren't being satisfied in other ways. On the other hand, it could simply be that her sex drive is low. There are people who don't have as much need for sex as others.
I can only speak from my own personal experience. My estranged husband wanted sex a lot, as did I, the first couple years we were together. Then I didn't feel in the mood as frequently as he did. However, I had a major issue outside the bedroom that cooled off my drive, and that was my H's drinking (or should I say, more accurately, alcoholism).
If your partner's disinterest in having sex, and her lack of enjoyment are a deal-breaker for you, then perhaps now is the time to sit down and discuss it calmly. It sounds like the issue is so emotionally-charged that the two of you end of arguing. If her disinterest is simply her lack of drive, then it doesn't have to do with you personally; however, I think she owes you some semblance of a rational explanation as to what it is about sex that she doesn't like. I mean, is it YOU, or is it just sex?
BTW, has she ever had another sex partner other than you? Any chance, no matter how remote, that she may be having an EA (or possibly PA)?
Our sex life was great for many years, then it gradually started to decline, now it's pretty much non existent.
The lowest point I reached was that she only ever seemed to sleep with me after she'd been out drinking. I remember feeling so low and to a certain extent angry that my girlfriend had to be drunk to want to sleep with me.
There have been suspisions of playing away from home on both sides, but this was about a year and a half ago and my jealousy nearly destroyed the relationship. She would work late most nights... something that most of her collegues never did and she would constantly go on about how great her boss was. I never met him but was convinced there was something going on. There would be arguments especially as there were many nights that I would put my son to bed and she still wouldn't be home. At that time I was quite friendly with a collegue of mine. I realized my partner didn't approve and to a certain extent, suspected me of having an affair with her. I wasn't, but played on her suspisions (looking back, I was going through a rather bitter period then for the same reasons mentioned earlier). Things finally came to blows when I sent a text to my partner but made on it was for another woman. She freaked out big time. We sorted things out, I don't think she has ever seen someone else but she still isn't convinced about me! But like I said, all this happened about a year and a half ago, and the sexless relationship problem has been going on for so long that I can't really remember when it started!
I'm her first sexual partner and I had a few before her, but it's not something that's really ever been talked about that much.
she only ever seemed to sleep with me after she'd been out drinking.
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She would work late most nights... something that most of her collegues never did and she would constantly go on about how great her boss was. I never met him but was convinced there was something going on.
Here's what I'm wondering: is she angry about something else lacking in the relationship? Sometimes women withhold sex as a control mechanism because they aren't being satisfied in other ways.
This is extremely true. My husband and I went through something similar a few years ago. We both thought that our problems were more important than each other's. Of course, we were both wrong and had to swallow our pride and work on both issues. The point is that, for me, it had nothing to do with sex but other issues completely.
While it's not right, if your wife feels like you're ignoring her or her issues, this may be her way of getting even, or she's just so angry/bitter/etc. that she can't get in the mood. If this is the case, the more you try to push the sex issue the worse it's going to get. So, you definitely need to get to the bottom of the issue.
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The lowest point I reached was that she only ever seemed to sleep with me after she'd been out drinking. I remember feeling so low and to a certain extent angry that my girlfriend had to be drunk to want to sleep with me.
Obviously, I don't know what's going on in your wife's mind. However, sometimes the issue is not what you think. If your wife has self esteem issues or is usually upset with you, then the alcohol may help her lower her defenses and let go of whatever she's feeling that holds her back from you normally.
There seems to be a lot of different issues going on for both of you. You really need to talk to each other. There's no doubt that you want to fix your sex life and your wife needs to know that, but she also needs to know that you're not only focused on that issue and you want her to be happy as well and will work on any issues she has. Just make sure that you bring this up when you're both calm, not in the middle of a fight when neither of you are in a compromising mood.
Sexless Relationship help? 
I do think she loves me, but I also think that she would prefer to not bother with sex.
