General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I can't sleep-I'm too upset to try. I found this site via google and have read many similar stories to my own.
My husband and I have been married only six months. I love him very much, but lately I wonder if he loves me. I guess I'll go over each worrisome topic...
Communication-there is little to none. My husband will not speak to me. Even when I ask him questions, he just sits, stares, and ignores me (unless it's a yes or no question). He refuses to be drawn into any conversation that requires more than a few words. I don't understand as we used to have deep conversations all the time and now, none. I understand he needs his quiet time and give him that daily-I'd just like a real conversation with my husband a few times a week.
Affection-very little. My husband doesn't like me touching him. As he's on the computer, I'll give his shoulders a little massage or a peck on his cheek and he'll squirm away. If he's watching T.V. and I sit next to him, he'll move away. He'll sometimes snuggle if I ask but he'll do it with a big sigh and grudgingly. I've tried to initiate sex but he'll say that he's tired. I've been turned down so often by him I finally told him if he wants sex he has to initiate it because I don't like the constant rejections. He had no response. Once a week, or sometimes once every other week, we'll have sex and the sex is usually great-I'd just like more of it. He's the only partner I've had so I don't know if maybe I'm just bad in bed (he says I'm not though) or what I'm doing wrong that he doesn't want me. I need to shed a few pounds but I'm working on it. I'm not a model but not ugly either.
Going out-nonexistent. We do nothing. If he didn't go to work daily, he'd be a shut-in! I've tried to arrange fun things to do (movies, paintball, go-carts, picnics) and have to cancel because he doesn't want to go. Honestly, I've stopped trying to plan anything now. Going to the grocery store together is our fun time out on the town. We haven't even been on a honeymoon and he thinks we don't need one. He knows I'd like one, though.
Spending money-my husband is cheap. If I want to spend a sizable amount of money on something, he makes me feel as if it's a waste. Our wedding was under $5,000 for everything (including rings) and only 18 people were there-including us! It was beautiful but my husband thinks we spent too much. We have little to no furniture. The bed we had was broken and you could feel the springs poking your back when you lay on it. He refused to go bed shopping with me and he told me to get whatever I wanted. I bought a bedroom set (we have plastic crates for bedside tables and the dresser is in bad shape) and he was very upset with me. I went back to the store and had to cancel all but the bed (but couldn't get a headboard-too expensive). I was so embarrassed. We recently went couch shopping (we have no couch-using the old bed) and he refused to drive across town to check out another store. It had to be the store we were in. The whole time we were there, he was sighing a lot and rolling his eyes-he couldn't have made it more obvious that he didn't want to be there.
I don't know what to do. He hates it when I speak to him when he's on computer or watching TV so tonight I waited until right before bed to try to ask him what's going wrong with our marriage. I asked him if he regretted marrying me and he said no. I asked him if he felt I bullied him into marriage and he said no. We sat there, he continued to read, I started to cry. He glanced at me then turned over so he didn't have to see me. I left the bed.
It's now 2:57a.m. I have half a mind to go somewhere tonight but I don't know where. I left my home country for him and have no friends or family here. I'm lonely, sad, and frightened I might have made the wrong choice in a spouse.
Maybe we won't get rid of that old bed after all....
hellothere, you have come to the right place. There will plenty of others who are much smarter and sensitive than I am. Listen to there advice. One question I do have - what was it like before marriage and how long did you know each other before being married. I'm no expert (again listen to others) but it seems to me like your H has his own set of problems and they aren't a result of your relationship but definitely have an impact. Sorry for your problems.
hellothere, you have come to the right place. There will plenty of others who are much smarter and sensitive than I am. Listen to there advice. One question I do have - what was it like before marriage and how long did you know each other before being married. I'm no expert (again listen to others) but it seems to me like your H has his own set of problems and they aren't a result of your relationship but definitely have an impact. Sorry for your problems.
Thanks for the reply! No, it wasn't like this at all before we got married. He has always been quiet but would speak to me. WE didn't go out all the time but we'd see movies and have dinner out every other week or so (which is enough for me!). He was laid off a few years ago from a great job and has been doing contract work since then. He's contemplating going back to school which I fully support, but in a field that you can't get a job in. People in that profession here are moving overseas to work. I told him I was fine with him going to school but to invest 2-3 years in schooling he needs to make sure it's a skill he can get a job in when finished with school. He was upset with me about that. He lately has said "Why do you want my opinion, I'm always wrong". I suspect this is the cause of many of our problems. If this stress, along with the immigration I'm currently going through and some other issues.
I feel a lot better after reading some other posts on these forums. Thank you everybody for your input and wisdom. It's now 5a.m. and I'm still awake! Boy am I gonna regret this!
*Addendum
After reading some posts I'm no longer doubting my choice in a husband but still deeply hurt. I don't know how to talk to him about this without "piling more stuff" onto him. He is stressed out right now, I know...but this behaviour HAS been going on for awhile...I just don't know how much longer to wait.
There can be so many issues. I'm just taken back a bit by how you describe your life and the life he seems to want to lead. Work in today's world can be horrible. For a man losing a job can just simply be emasculating. He just seems to be overboard on not spending but his previous unemployment and current employment can have a huge impact. Your efforts are sincere but perhaps they just escalate his inner feelings. A 180 may be a good thing - you can't always solve a problem by tackling it head on. And the constant rejections can't be good for you either. Keep reading others problems and you will see similarities. You are not alone and there are plenty of nice people that are willing to help.
Your marriage sounds very abnormal and toxic. A normal person does not behave the way your husband does. I would be very, very concerned. He is essentially ignoring you and is even uncaring when you are upset and crying. You are not his slave, a marriage is a partnership. You have no life with him, no home, no fun. So what do you have with him?
Tell him that you want to go to couples counseling because you are not happy and are thinking of leaving the marriage. If he refuses to go, go see a counselor without him.
He sounds like a man who is extremely depressed over his career. It is common for men to completely shut down sexually and be very distant and very difficult to talk to.
How much of the family income is he responsible for?
It is true men get much of their identity from their career. Men also perceive that much of their worth to their wife comes from the his financial status. He likely feels, rightly or wrongly that he now has less value to you. So his self esteem is taking a major hit. Just saying man-up is only going to go so far. It is way beyond that. I have been here. These days many men are here.
When men go through career difficulties it is often catostrophic for their families. If he is contracting he does not know if he will have a job next month likely. Sooo, by not squandering money, he feels that he can pay the rent / house payment for another month when he loses his job. He will deprive himself of things to save money for his family.
Not saying this is the case, but this is what many men go through. It is often about 1) taking care of his family 2) his perception of his value to his wife 3) his self esteem. In that order.
When men are under usual stesses their interest in sex tends to go up. However, is that stress is over finaces it goes way down and often all the way to shutdown and isolation.
Now having said all of the above, if he was laid off three years ago and contracted ever since then it is not the same deal as a family man with three kids. He knew his situation going into the marriage. So it does seem a little bit off that he would be fine and now he is not. There seems to be something else. It still could be career related. It may have just sunk in the predicament he is in.
He sounds like a man who is extremely depressed over his career. It is common for men to completely shut down sexually and be very distant and very difficult to talk to.
How much of the family income is he responsible for?
It is true men get much of their identity from their career. Men also perceive that much of their worth to their wife comes from the his financial status. He likely feels, rightly or wrongly that he now has less value to you. So his self esteem is taking a major hit. Just saying man-up is only going to go so far. It is way beyond that. I have been here. These days many men are here.
When men go through career difficulties it is often catostrophic for their families. If he is contracting he does not know if he will have a job next month likely. Sooo, by not squandering money, he feels that he can pay the rent / house payment for another month when he loses his job. He will deprive himself of things to save money for his family.
Not saying this is the case, but this is what many men go through. It is often about 1) taking care of his family 2) his perception of his value to his wife 3) his self esteem. In that order.
When men are under usual stesses their interest in sex tends to go up. However, is that stress is over finaces it goes way down and often all the way to shutdown and isolation.
Now having said all of the above, if he was laid off three years ago and contracted ever since then it is not the same deal as a family man with three kids. He knew his situation going into the marriage. So it does seem a little bit off that he would be fine and now he is not. There seems to be something else. It still could be career related. It may have just sunk in the predicament he is in.
Thank you for your reply!
We both work-and since he's been laid off he's be fortunate enough to find stead work via contracts. He's only had about 3 months or so since the lay off without any work at all. Prior to being laid off, we were both bringing in roughly the same amount of incomes-his was slightly higher but mine goes up steadily the more experience I have. Since we are not big spenders-we have a good (some would call huge) chunk of money saved up between the two of us. Our plan was to buy a house eventually and they're VERY expensive here.
I think perhaps the fact that we're both in our mid 30's, have no children, but would like some eventually, is getting to both of us. I'm starting to feel the clock ticking but I know this would be a colossally bad time to even consider having a child.
He was always a quiet man who likes to stay in (I like to stay in too) but we'd still go out every other week or so. Now it's nothing (unless you count the grocery store). I'm just not sure why he ignores me, and when he doesn't do that, the attention I get from him is either a) done in a begrudging manner or b)he wants sex (which I always agree to since I love sex and will take as much as he will give!).
Sometimes, I get the feeling I'm one of those wives who expects too much and puts too much pressure on her hubby, but is it wrong to expect my husband to communicate, love, and take time for me? I'm not asking for it daily-just some signs that he loves me....I see nothing atm.
No gifts, no time spent with him, no communication, very few cuddles, the only thing I can think of how he shows he cares is great sex but even then, right after, he gets up, cleans up, and goes straight back to computer or watching T.V.
I catch myself listening to him talk to our friends online, laughing and really TALKING and feeling jealous.
After browsing the forums here last night until late late late (or very early ), I went to youtube and started watching some funny videos to cheer myself up.
The bedroom is in the room next to me so I was trying to contain my laughter and had my hand pressed up against my mouth to muffle it, but I still woke my very light sleeper husband.
He came out, hair wild, squinted down at me and told me to be quiet. I apologized and he went back in the bedroom to catch more sleep.
A few hours later he gets up to get ready for work (I'm on holidays atm) and I notice he's being much louder than usual. I won't go as far to say he was slamming things around...but he was right at the border of it.... I was in the lounge in our broken extra bed and murmured a "good morning" to him. He says nothing, doesn't even look at me, and leaves.
Honestly, I was angry at first but now I'm not sure if I should be. I did (though mistakenly) wake him up a few hours before so I guess he has a right to be a grump. If I'm on holidays, I make a point of being home when he gets home from work, but I have half a mind to be out. I'm not sure I want to see him.
hmmmm. I guess I was thinking you guys were very young.
Maybe he is having some kind of mindlife crisis. I am not trying to excuse him of poor behavior. Just searching for a reason.
From what you have stated, I can't see an obvious reason he is not a happy camper and wanting to spend time with you.
Something is definitely wrong with his behavior.
I suppose sionce he won't communicate with you, you might suggest that you guys see a marriage counselor. He probably needs some individual counseling but it is easier for you to suggest a MC without hackling him off.
Update: I decided to be frank and spoke openly to my husband yesterday. He said he didn't know I was upset that night and didn't notice I was crying. I don't understand how he didn't see the tears on my face when he looked right at me...but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I explained that though I love him I felt no love in return. I had read on this forum something about different love languages and another person who got a book on seduction, so I asked my hubby if I got him a book like that, would he read it? He asked, "What for?" I swear, I was really angry then.
Today, after much searching at the bookstore, I found a book that summarizes the "love languages" and talks about how to keep love active in a marriage titled "Build a Life-Long Love Affair" by Andrew G. Marshall. I marked the section (only 8 pages) that talks about the love languages, and asked him to read it. He set it aside and went on his computer (to play games). He hasn't opened it yet.
When we went to bed, I told him I felt hurt that he couldn't even read just a few pages-that I felt that he valued his computer games more than our marriage. We had a long talk afterwards. I explained that I need more than sex once a week or once every other week to feel loved. Help around the house, small little gifts, going out to eat, anything that the book lists just once in awhile would make me feel so much appreciated. He explained that at work he has to be all smiles and "kiss up" and when he gets home he doesn't want to act fake anymore. That stung and I told him so. I also told him I don't want him to be insincere, but if all he wants to do every day...every weekend, is come home, not talk, not go anywhere, not plan anything, not do anything I plan, and whatnot, that would not be enough for me. I cried a lot after that.
We talked a bit more but I feel I've typed a book already
It's very concerning that he doesn't want much sex with you and ignores you and you feel you have to push your covnersations aside/things you want to say until he's ready to speak about it. Not cool.
Have you suggested counselling? Tell him how his behavior is affecting you TODAY. Nip this in the bud now before it snowballs.
I never had any serious relationships until I met him online about six years ago (no, not online dating, but online gaming since we're both big nerds). He visited me, 8 months later I visited him, then I moved to his country in 2008. You know the saying you should listen to your mother? I guess I should have. I thought I wouldn't be able to find a place to live in a hurry in a strange country so I moved in straight with him. We discussed all sorts of things during our online times, so we thought this was the best route.
So we've been together since Sept. 2008 but we got married this past January.
I know a huge hunk of the problem is he was laid off a job he loved, and is now at a job he absolutely hates. He can't stand it. In addition, all the immigration issues I'm going through is stressful as well.
He was laid off in 2009, but has really "turned off" these past few months.
Hindsight is 20/20, but not helpful. I feel like if I can't salvage this, I'll be a total failure. I love him, I want to be with him, but not if his idea of love is nothing, nothing, nothing, sex, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
I will suggest marriage counseling and see how he takes it...I suspect poorly since talking to him last night revealed he doesn't want to spend money because he wants to go back to school-but he hasn't looked into it yet.....
He's contemplating going back to school which I fully support, but in a field that you can't get a job in. People in that profession here are moving overseas to work. I told him I was fine with him going to school but to invest 2-3 years in schooling he needs to make sure it's a skill he can get a job in when finished with school. He was upset with me about that.
I'm very sorry to hear about how upset your are, and I truly hope you're able to work things out. I just had a question for you. Were there just as many problems before this situation about school happened, or did he get worse after this came up?
It's gotten worse since he's talked about going back to school. He's even said some things about he supported me but I don't want to support him.
I think this is a big problem right now for us. I am all for more education and finding a job that you enjoy, but I feel that if you're going to invest in 3-4 years of schooling to make sure you choose a field you can find gainful employment in. I know many people at work who have husbands experienced in this field (building), and they're moving overseas as there is no work here for them.
I guess I just feel like I gave everything up, gave up my belongs, pets, job, everything, to move here and now he wants to invest money and time educating himself in a career where we'd have to move to yet another country and start over yet again. We've been together now almost 3 years and I've been patient to have things like a couch, table and chairs, and other basics other married couples have and we can't get any of it because he wants to spend the money on his schooling instead. This coupled with the fact that we do nothing together (he doesn't want to spend the money) and is now virtually ignoring me is wearing me thin.
I haven't brought up MC yet....he came home yesterday with a little gift for me (cake, yum!) and snuggled with me so I know our talks must have gotten to him. He's making the effort now...and I didn't want to nullify his efforts yesterday by mentioning MC. I'm just relieved that he is making an effort....I know now that I must have some importance to him.
Your husband sounds like he is depressed and that he feels unsupported. While you may believe you are doing your utmost to support him and stand by his side, it means very little if he doesn't feel it. I understand and agree with your point about him returning to school, but to him this probably feels like you are asking him to abandon his dreams.
The way I see it, you have three choices:
1. Deal with things the way that they are.
2. Divorce him.
3. Encourage your husband to go to school and be willing to follow him to a different country if that's what will fulfill him and help him find satisfaction in a job he enjoys. Again, I agree with your point of view, but he is likely feeling that you don't trust him enough to allow him to explore the things that will help him feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Combined with other issues like losing a job he loved, working in one he hates and navigating immigration issues, he's likely feeling overwhelmed, depressed, misunderstood and, dare I say it, a bit trapped.
Marriage and love both require a bit of sacrifice. At this point, it sounds like it's your turn to provide exactly that as well as a little blind faith in your husband's dreams and capabilities.
As for the other stuff (the lack of affection, not speaking to you, etc.), I'd venture to say that this is all related to his feelings of depression and resentment for his situation. He loves you, but is probably seeing you as someone who is standing between who he is now (a depressed recluse) and who he envisions himself as being "if only" he didn't have so many roadblocks in his way.
Do an about face. Encourage him to go to school. Get excited about his career choice. Talk to him about his dreams and plans. Help him research information, jobs, new locales, etc. Talk about how proud you are of him to others. Be his biggest cheerleader and be as sincere as possible about it all (which means you're going to actually have to let go of your fear of him being unemployable after school). Show him that you are not in his way, but are, instead, at his side in this new journey.
I agree with the others that he can benefit from counseling (you both can, actually), but you can't force a person to do what they don't want to do. He won't read any books at this point, because he can't yet see that he's in his own way and he's simply not ready to change. He's more content blaming you and probably others for his situation. Remove yourself as anyone he can possibly blame and he'll likely find himself a step closer to needing outside help.
My suggestions will likely ruffle a few feathers around here, but I've gone through some of the exact things you've described and have gained much understanding about love, men and the way that relationships have to work sometimes. At times they are 50-50, but there are a lot of times when they are 70-30, 60-40, etc.
Wipe your tears. Spend some time alone accepting his educational/career path. And then go on an all out encouragement binge. Show him that you trust and believe in his choices, and that you're willing to support him all the way.
New Wife Needs Advice 
), I went to youtube and started watching some funny videos to cheer myself up.
