dwight987

I felt so disrespected by my wife of 12 years. She cut me down and didn't appreciate me. I worked hard while she stayed home and occasionaly did housework. She gave so much joy and love to kids but became lukewarm to me. She told me she wanted love, but I felt disrespected, jealous, and became bitter. After she started going out on weekend nights, I realized she didnt want me anymore. She even slept in a different room. I moved out and now I feel so lonely and realize I need love too. I miss her, but not her actions. I miss her and our family, but I dont miss her blaming me for everything that ever goes wrong. We have already been to 3 different counslers, but she picks out what she chooses to hear, and blames me for any unhappiness. She has our 4 kids and her friends and lots of activities to keep her busy and happy. Im alone and miserable. Since we arent divorced and I am Christian, I am hesitant to get a girlfriend. I dont know what to do.

Conrad

What was her childhood like?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

SunnyT

Get your kids and go do something fun. It's normal to feel lonely and miss them. You don't need a girlfriend to be happy. Get your life on track, figure out the separation/divorce agreements, mandate quality time with the kids.... in other words, get your life together before you even think of looking for someone else.

Prodigal

It sounds like MC didn't work. I can understand your loneliness. However, don't believe just because you are lonely that your wife is out having a jam-packed social life. I would guess many of her social activities revolve around the kids and their friends.

If you don't want to be lonely, join a church that offers lots of activities. From what I know, all churches have men's groups. Get involved with other guys. Heck, join a softball team.

I'm not trying to trivialize the breakup of your marriage, but I assume you have the ability to get out and meet people. If the marriage is broken beyond repair; if your wife refuses to reconcile, then divorce her. I know, I know ... your faith tells you not to divorce. Well, the fact of the matter is, you aren't supposed to stay married to someone who wants nothing to do with you.

You don't have to rush out and join a dating site or singles group, but if it's over and done, then get an attoney and start the legal process. Do you get to see your children? If so, that should fill your time and you certainly won't be lonely.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Entropy3000

So do you have plans to divorce? By being separated like this she is free to do whatever she wants and you are supporting her. She could even have a boy friend. Which she may anyway.

Where did she start going on weekend nights without you? If you are just away and pouting with no threat of divorce I can't see what she has to lose and why she would be motivated to change. If she is now getting he needs met by "friends" ....

paramore

Educate yourself, 5 love languages, gary chapman, maybe give her some time, formally separate if you can, look up the 180 on here, I am here and there with seeing someone, I think it depends on how long you have been separated, I had been separated until recently for 9 months, kind of weird I told my H I had been hit on and asked out, I didn't do anything, but he did an abrupt about face to do whatever it takes to fix this.

michzz

Your wife is cheating and started it way before going out weekends.

Being Christian does not mean you have to accept this behavior.

Talk to a lawyer pronto!

Do not let her alienate your children from you and enjoy all the fruits of your labors.
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OhGeesh

I would move back in pronto!! To be with the kids if for no other reason......why would YOU move out! You pay the bills, you make the money, if she sucks then work on that, but my wife making me leave.

She'll be the one leaving you better believe that!@

dwight987

It would be so hard to live back inn that house, being so hated and disrespected by my wife and her 2 grown kids who throw money at her and take her out...while ignoring me. I did notice Miss my wife and kid and he seems to be in a similar situation as is being told to stick it out at the house.For me, it would be very difficult. Im afraid Id go crazy, get VERY vocal, or maybe even physical (no i havent done that before)...then it would all be my fault. And she still blames me for everything (blameshifting I see) and her grown kids and friends support her. And I am supposed to go back there?

dwight987

Even when I was there she wasnt motivated to change. Her behavior and attitude just got worse. Either way, I have to pay and she gets to play. I couldnt stop her from going out. Im sure we'd argue if I tried and if escalated, Id be getting hauled to jail. But at least i didnt feel so lonely cause i had my kids. Now I come home to an empty quite place everyday. And yall are right, she does have more free reign now. I could be in her face and also make her look bad to the kids if I choose. But what good would that do for our marriage and my sanity? She is on section 8, so now I am thinking of just buying my own house and learning to relive. But sometimes I do miss her. O this crap is so confusing. How much is a man supposed to take?

Sicktomystomach

Hmmmm...That would be the day my husband would go out on weekends without me. It does sounds like she may be cheating. She has the best of both worlds. A husband who supports her and she gets to play all day and night. Time to get tough. Consult a lawyer and see what your rights are. Get a counselor to build YOUR self-esteem. Only when she see there are consequences to her actions is there any chance of her changing. I do agree with the other poster it may be she is cheating. Find out without her knowing it. If she is,don't let her know you know right away. Get your ducks in a row. Consult that lawyer.
My ex-DIL was this way. Only she flaunted her affair in my son's face. We helped him get counseling and a lawyer without her knowing it because he was very ill at the time. It worked. He found out that,in our state,you can move out and then SHE was responsible for all the bills. She was SO brazen that she even suggested she,the other man and he live together to share rent! They would take the small bedroom and he could have the big one. She didn't think he had anywhere to go and KNEW she didn't either. But we stepped in and brought him back to live with us until his health was better. That sent her into a complete tailspin.
My son decided he wanted a divorce. She actually signed over a "quit claim" to the house because she didn't want him to have it. I couldn't believe how stupid she was. She ended up not being able to afford it and lost it to foreclosure. Her life is a total mess. She is homeless and penniless and depends on friends to let her stay with them for brief periods of time because her family doesn't care about her.
If your wife doesn't care if you divorce her,there is nothing else you can do but build a new life of your own. Include her in NOTHING. Let her know nothing about your life. If you have to pay alimony and child support,so be it. But she needs to do so that that's the extent of your relationship. Avoid her at all costs. Then,when you reach a place of happiness,let her see it. She badly needs a wake up call.

KJ5000

It's my strong belief that one of the reasons women initiate separation/divorce FIRST is because they do not have to go through the loneliness a man has to go through IF they chose not to.
Hooking up with someone else (even if it's a rebound relationship) is much easier for a woman. She also has the company of her children for additional comfort.
As for the pain of being alone, tough it out. I know it's difficult but it will make you stronger in the long run and don't look to reconcile! The marriage was over LONG AGO.
At least it was for her.

that_girl

Really? She's cheating? Based on what?

I behaved the same way and I wasn't cheating. It never crossed my mind.

To the original poster, your wife will need to WANT to heal herself. I have been in therapy for 5 weeks and have self-reflected and the englightenment and change within myself is amazing My husband sees it too and we are slowly healing...(he moved out 6 weeks ago). Things will be ok.

I don't know about your wife though...if she's blaming and making YOU responsible for her happiness, she is not ready to heal. She is still stuck in her ego and her past fears. My issues are abandonment issues...they cause a lot of crap...which I'm healing.

Maybe the best thing to do is distance yourself and suggest she get IC? But she may not be open to that...Sorry

the guy

I believe she is cheating based on the emotional disconnection she has made with her H. Cheating him out of a healthy marriage by not take half of the responsiblity of a failed marriage....at the very least.

Ok, so there may or not be OM, but I bet if he hired a PI to follow her, her behavior while out all night with friends is more of a single women then one of a married women.

Besides if she can't respect him enough while there together, why would she respect him when she is getting hit on at the bars? There is no proof of her sleeping with another man, but I bet she is getting the affection and romantic connection some how...you know the things we all need, someone from the oppisite sex that makes us feel human!

I suggest Dwight do the 180. I have a feeling he's begging for his marriage and empowering his wife to make any choices she damb well pleases...knowing he will always be there no matter how she behaves.

Dwight, distance your self from her, yes its' lonely, but you make your self lonely by dwelling on what you have lost. Go out and start doing the things for you. A hobby or sport, something you couldn't do b/c you were so wrapped up in pleasing your wife. Volunteer work is great and believe me if your looking for appreciation you will find it by donating your time to a needed cause.

Go show your wife you will no longer be around if she continues. be confitent that you will not let her behavior define you you are. You can be better then this so go out and be better then all the crap she has brought to the table. Once she sees a man that will succeed with or with out her see may second guess her choices. But it is up to you to pull your self out of this rut.

Face, she will not respect a man that continues to be defined by all the negitive in his life. God may not always gives us what we want but he will gives us what we need, he's waiting on us to go out and make the positve move and the changes in our lives so he can give us what we want and now diserve.

I get the whole thing about putting it in Gods hands, but he also wants us to go out and get it, and then he gives us the great rewards.

that_girl

I still wouldn't jump to conclusions about cheating. When my husband and I were disconnected, i went out a lot with friends-- didn't cheat...just drank. lol.