How to help wife lose weight?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-12-2008, 11:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1
Default How to help wife lose weight?

My wife has gained some weight and I was fine with it, I love her and think she's beautiful no matter what. However, I know she doesn't love herself and I don't want to see her like that. For example, she'll make comments about her own weight and says she dislikes herself.

It also affects our sex life, she only wants to do one position and she covers herself up by moving the covers over herself. I told her she doesn't have to do that, but she can't help but be self conscious.

I asked her if she would like to go walking with me and she agreed, so we started walking two times a week for 2 miles each day. I thought it was great and this is what she needed, but after a few weeks of it she didn't want to do it anymore.

I sat down with her and asked her why she didn't want to go anymore and she said she didn't enjoy it. She said she had other things to do instead. I was confused, things were running through my head like...why is she giving up already? Am I doing something wrong? Walking only takes 30 minutes out of the day...

I felt good about walking. I'm not overweight, but I did play sports back in high school, so getting back outside and walking made me feel good, I wanted to keep doing it. So I asked her, if I kept walking are you alright with that? I asked b/c I didn't want to think that I was leaving her behind. Then she started to cry and said fine, I'll go, even if I don't like it I'll go. I'm confused, I guess she feels guilty about not going, but she doesn't want to go...I don't know...

I thought maybe she did find walking boring, so I asked if she would like to play some tennis with me? (We have a park across the street from us with courts) She said no, so I asked if she would like to go to a gym instead, she said no to that as well. I asked if there's any activity that she would like to do to let me know and I would do it.

So it's been a few months now, she'll get up and go walking each week, but each week she just seems so annoyed to go.

I just don't understand, deep down I know she wants to lose weight. I'm here helping and supporting her, but she's just not motivated. It's hard to do something with someone when you can see they dislike it.

What do I do to get her motivated?

For those that have lost weight, what motivated you? What advice do you have?

Why would she talk negatively about herself and cover up during sex, but not want to do anything about it?
Apple is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-12-2008, 12:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 150
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

Your right she is not happy with herself...but she also is obviously not ready to do anything about it. I have lost 55lbs....still have about 30lbs to go and when I was carrying around that extra weight I HATED it...my husband would make comments here and there and it would just piss me off because I wasnt ready to deal with it yet. I know that is hard to understand....because if you are unhappy with something you should want to change it but its just like a smoker. A smoker can hate smoking and the smell but until they are ready to quit they just cant do it.

The thing that opened my eyes and finally made me realize I needed to do something about my weight was my husband told me that I had lost my self confidence. I pondered that for a little while and I agreed with him so I decided the only way to get my self confidence back was to lose the weight I was already unhappy about.

I would suggest approaching it in a very gentle manner
stumped is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 12:38 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: midwest
Posts: 99
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

My wife is the same way. The thing is my wife is not heavy at all. She had c-sections and other surgeries that messed up her stomach. She is very self conscious. What I have learned is that you just keep telling her she is beautiful for encouragement. Even if she does not think so, she will know you love her anyway. The kicker is, she won't do jack until she is ready. My wife enjoys walking with her gal friends or by herself, but not with me. We used to play tennis, aerobics, walk, bike, go to gym, etc. Obviously she felt better about herself then. You can't try to motivate her, because she then may feel that you are telling her she is overweight. It's a catch 22. Keep up the encouragement.
magicsunset08 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 12:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: mountain west
Posts: 2,567
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Apple View Post
My wife has gained some weight and I was fine with it, I love her and think she's beautiful no matter what. However, I know she doesn't love herself and I don't want to see her like that. For example, she'll make comments about her own weight and says she dislikes herself.

It also affects our sex life, she only wants to do one position and she covers herself up by moving the covers over herself. I told her she doesn't have to do that, but she can't help but be self conscious.

I asked her if she would like to go walking with me and she agreed, so we started walking two times a week for 2 miles each day. I thought it was great and this is what she needed, but after a few weeks of it she didn't want to do it anymore.

I sat down with her and asked her why she didn't want to go anymore and she said she didn't enjoy it. She said she had other things to do instead. I was confused, things were running through my head like...why is she giving up already? Am I doing something wrong? Walking only takes 30 minutes out of the day...

I felt good about walking. I'm not overweight, but I did play sports back in high school, so getting back outside and walking made me feel good, I wanted to keep doing it. So I asked her, if I kept walking are you alright with that? I asked b/c I didn't want to think that I was leaving her behind. Then she started to cry and said fine, I'll go, even if I don't like it I'll go. I'm confused, I guess she feels guilty about not going, but she doesn't want to go...I don't know...

I thought maybe she did find walking boring, so I asked if she would like to play some tennis with me? (We have a park across the street from us with courts) She said no, so I asked if she would like to go to a gym instead, she said no to that as well. I asked if there's any activity that she would like to do to let me know and I would do it.

So it's been a few months now, she'll get up and go walking each week, but each week she just seems so annoyed to go.

I just don't understand, deep down I know she wants to lose weight. I'm here helping and supporting her, but she's just not motivated. It's hard to do something with someone when you can see they dislike it.

What do I do to get her motivated?

For those that have lost weight, what motivated you? What advice do you have?

Why would she talk negatively about herself and cover up during sex, but not want to do anything about it?
my wife is thin and has an athletic build. but she thinks she has some target areas that she'd like to lose a little from. rather than tell her she's wrong (bad) i let her do her thing.

if you want to passively help, show her the website FitDay - Free Weight Loss and Diet Journal

i registered myself. it's really cool. calorie counters, activity guides, calenders, nutrition goals, etc. and it's all FREE!

check it out and let me know what you think.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7
voivod is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 01:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
justean's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: south wales. uk
Posts: 1,249
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

i have never dieted on plans, self will and determination are my plan.
plus a hobby - i horse ride atleast 2- 3 days per week and more in the summer when the weather is better.
in the winter im up the farm doing my jobs , which i see as exercise.

this is my plan -
breakfast in the morning , i have 3 weetabix.
dinner for lunch 3 weetabix

tea time - 5- 6 pm a proper cooked dinner.
no snacking .
no crisps, dont buy biscuits.
offer yourself a treat once a week. its something to look forward to.

sometimes i even go past the treat and the simple reason is just not wanting it.

i am size 10/12. i have had 2 children and when i have and do weight gain - i find i have to push myself into mode or my body tells me its not happy.
justean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 02:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,313
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

mmmm....weetabix...my favorite...and we can get that in the US grocery stores now
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 02:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: mountain west
Posts: 2,567
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish View Post
mmmm....weetabix...my favorite...and we can get that in the US grocery stores now
on the "crisps" aisle, across from the vegamite.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7
voivod is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 07:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 689
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

Wow! I wish my husband did what you are doing. I was not happy with myself and acted like you described your wife was. It wasn't a lot, post-baby, getting older, you get the picture. I was always in shape, played a lot of sports so I hated being like that. I tried several times to get on an exercise program but life was so busy and I'd get discouraged as I'd work out real hard and lose nothing. Well he got in to shape without me, didn't ask me to work out with him just did it and left me behind then was unhappy with how I looked (and he had an affair with a much younger and very thin woman)...ok motivated to make it work this time I lost all the weight I intended to and more. Not good motivation for your wife...but I started doing this for him, but when I saw the scale changed and felt better about me it was not for him anymore it was about me. I wanted to do this for me. I now run 2.5 miles 6 days a week and play volleyball once a week for about 3 hours (with him)because I WANT to, its a stress reliever and I love it. He will run with me occasionally and I love it when he does but I will do it regardless.

So maybe what she feels is that when she did exercise and lost no weight, she felt discouraged. Why bother. How about also changing some eating habits, make sure you eat dinner early, no fast food, cook healthy. Perhaps if she saw some results it would motivate her.

I think she sees you in shape, she's trying but seeing no results and it makes her feel worse????

You can't motivate other people, she has to decide she really wants it for herself like I did. You can help and being supportive like you are is so important. She also needs to change her eating. For me it was eating healthier, cutting down on portions, eliminating sugar and processed foods, soda, and fast food. and exercise! Now I am depressed when I don't exercise and yeah occasionally I eat the foods I love. I went from a size 8 to a 4, hitting my goal weight in only 3 months, it took him 2 years to drop 30 pounds to hit his goal weight!
AZMOMOFTWO is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 07:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Blanca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,039
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Apple View Post
What do I do to get her motivated?

For those that have lost weight, what motivated you? What advice do you have?

Why would she talk negatively about herself and cover up during sex, but not want to do anything about it?
I would suggest you not directly talk about weight, or how she can lose it. Just be healthy and active yourself and let her come along if she wants to. Let her know, once, that she's welcome to come with you whenever she wants and never bring it up again. Fix healthy meals but never ask if its what she wants. if she wants it, she'll do it. Just be healthy yourself. and listen to her frustrations without trying to "fix" them for her.

I think she'd be happier if she had a girlfriend to workout with. im in shape and i dont like working out with my H b/c i always feel like im not in shape. i run with my sister now which is much better.

your wife probably gets angry b/c she's frustrated with herself. its a very confusing time for her. just listen and give her sympathy.
__________________
"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
Blanca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-12-2008, 09:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sydney, Aus
Posts: 100
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

It sounds like the wife is depressed and is going into depression and food for comfort.

People can change their state in an instant by changing their physiology, focus and language. If people can change their state in an instant, why do people stay in depression?

The reason is because they get rewarded from it.

You say rewarded for it? That's ridiculous, greatermindset, you were fine up to now, but now you're just crazy.

No seriously, hear me out. I've spoken in previous posts about the 6 human needs. For the wife, it's a way for her to meet some of those needs. The 6 human needs are:

1. Certainty
2. Variety
3. Significance
4. Connection and Love
5. Growth
6. Contribution

Depression is a state that the wife is a pattern that she's probably very good at and can attain that state in an instant, by pulling her shoulders down, putting her down, saying certain things in her mind to get her depressed, saying it in a certain tone in her head, maybe putting her hand up to her forehead, breathing shallow etc. So she's certain she can go into depression. That meets the 1st need.

Depression can also give her a variety from the day to day repeatative life cycle. This normally doesn't last and normally they break out of depression into an angry state, or pissed off state, or grumpy state, etc.

Depression for her gives her sympathy from others so it can make her feel significance for a short amount of time.

Depression can also allows her to connect to herself. So this fulfills the 4th need, connection and love.

That's 4 needs being met there. 3 or more needs at scores of 5-6s would become an addiction.

Depression is a means for her to attain her needs at low levels. It's not very fulfilling or rewarding and she can snap out of it at any time once she's build up an awareness of it.

Depression or any state of emotion is not something that happens to us, it's an emotion we go to. We can choose to go to any emotion at any time, and select any moment in our time to be put in front of us to recall any state we wish.

All we do is:

Change our physiology, focus and language. Physiology changes our biochemistry and is one of the most effective ways to change our states. If we want to be happy, we can close our eyes and think of a time when we were happy. Think of all the things that made us happy, smile when we smiled when we were happy, move like we moved when we were happy Being in a certain state requires us to run certain patterns. It's that simple. Some people have been running certain patterns all their life, and they've become great at them. The question is, is it serving them for the better or worse?

What I would suggest doing is find out what the wife really needs. Talk to her and really listen to what she needs. If she's after love, find another means for her to feel loved. She doesn't have to go to depression to get it. You can also find out specifically what has to happen for her to feel loved simply by asking her that question. It may provide an insight and bring you both closer together.

Make sure she understands you're coming from a place of love and you care about her. Let us know how your go. Good luck with it Apple.
Greatermindset is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-13-2008, 11:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 689
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greatermindset View Post
. The 6 human needs are:

1. Certainty
2. Variety
3. Significance
4. Connection and Love
5. Growth
6. Contribution
Wow! What a great post. You know what as I read this and I think about why my husband had an affair...you answered it. We've reconnected and as a condition of agreeing to give this a try with him I asked for total honesty and I asked him why. I think he truly doesn't really know why but one thing he said is "well it was something different" so there you have variety. In some of our conversations he referred to feeling like he was not supporting us and I was taking on most of that burden...significance and contribution. We both felt we lost our connection. I think all he had was certainty but was missing the other 5. As I look at this list, these are all the things I want to have too! It makes a lot of sense to me.
AZMOMOFTWO is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-14-2008, 12:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sydney, Aus
Posts: 100
Default Re: How to help wife lose weight?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AZMOMOFTWO View Post
Wow! What a great post. You know what as I read this and I think about why my husband had an affair...you answered it. We've reconnected and as a condition of agreeing to give this a try with him I asked for total honesty and I asked him why. I think he truly doesn't really know why but one thing he said is "well it was something different" so there you have variety. In some of our conversations he referred to feeling like he was not supporting us and I was taking on most of that burden...significance and contribution. We both felt we lost our connection. I think all he had was certainty but was missing the other 5. As I look at this list, these are all the things I want to have too! It makes a lot of sense to me.
I'm happy it's helped you out and more importantly you get it. I was looking at this the other week and it just dawned on me how huge and important that list is. It doesn't just apply to relationships, but it applies to EVERYTHING! Definitely a big ahah moment. Everything becomes a lot clearer once the 6 human needs are understood.

Also you are absolutely right about being certain. A lot of relationships get to the stage where they know what their partner is going to do, say, how they're gonna say it, etc. It gets so ingrained that cariety just starts to die.

BTW You can start to really get some clarity and find out what your beleifs are with the 6 human needs. I did a simple exercise the other week where I scored my 6 human needs in terms of where I was, where I wanted to be scored, then I asked questions like, in order for me to feel certainty on a level 8 scale, what has to happen? I started writing out my beliefs and it blew me away. Some of them were absurd and needed redefining. The rules were set in a fasion where it made things difficult to win in the game of life. I went through each of the human needs. After that, I then asked questions like what's a better way that I can reach certainty at a level score of 8.

Definitely very powerful and life changing when applied properly.

Last edited by Greatermindset; 11-14-2008 at 01:46 AM.
Greatermindset is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Lose weight berfore we have a child? bryan81980 General Relationship Discussion 15 07-04-2011 06:45 AM
How can a DW encourage DH to lose weight? notaname The Men's Clubhouse 16 02-22-2011 01:44 PM
To make young wife lose weight leq General Relationship Discussion 29 01-11-2011 08:37 AM
Getting spouse to lose the weight? wantingpeace General Relationship Discussion 6 07-23-2009 07:09 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:59 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage