Thewife

OK, I am not new to this forum, u could come across some of my postings.

My story in short: We are married for 8++ years, we have 7 month old twins, Husband works away from home and comes home fortnightly ever since I was 4 months preggie, We had two breaking points in our marriage (first, when babies were two months old-I felt I have been doing too much and he hardly helps but we settled it through communication. Secondly, when I found out that he had replied a spam sex mail asking the girl to send photos), this issue really took a toll on our marriage and finally managed to settle it somehow. We have been (sort of) back to normal since last 3 months or so but again I am starting to feel down.

Taking care of twins is a very very tiring job especially if they are extremely active and are still young. I get only 4 hours of sleep sometimes. Whenever husband is home he helps out a lot and we do a lot of things together with the babies (going for a walk, shopping, playing, swimming etc) but i feel that we hardly get couple time. Babies usually go to bed around 7pm and after that he does his things and I do my things (I do so b/c he's not available). I long to spend some romantic time with him and atleast once a week, it doesnt have to be a expensive outing or anything, just sit together and talk to each other about ourselves. We do sit and talk with each other but most of the time its about the kids or some outsiders or other family memebers. He seems to be quiet happy with the way things are but I am not. I have brought this up many times but he keeps saying that we ARE spending enough time..........but he doesnt seem to understand WHAT type of time am i talking about Or he just pretending not to know??? I am all pissed of todayb/c he was on course the whole of last week and I hardly disturb once the babies go to bed as he had to study. his course ended yesterday and I have been looking forward to spend some quality time with him saturday evening but he said he promised to meet his only close friend for a chat. I am sad, very worried that he doesnt enjoy my company anymore.

Is he bored with me? Does he fallen out of love with me? Does he finds me unattractive (I have become shapeless after going thru twin pregnancy), Does romance really dies after kids arrive? Has anyone felt the same way for ur spouse even after having children? I am sooooo confused and feel so sad. Sometimes I wonder if I am asking for too much, Do u think I should start to entertain myself without having to wait for him??

Oh forgot to mention, he is leaving for a overseas project tomorrow and will only be back after a month and thats one reason why I am angry that he spends the last free time with his friend......

I am really sorry for this long long post, but I need to vent this somewhere..........and this is the right place I believe!

Hope u guys will give me some insight

tater03

First I can see why you are frustrated. I would first explain to him that you need more time with him and that you two have to work together to find that time. That the time you do have might be enough for him but it isn't working for you. I would try to find a night that he is home even if it is only once or twice a month and just you two go out and have a nice dinner and do something as a couple.
That and is there anyway that someone could maybe take the babies for an hour even once a week so you can have some time to yourself?

Thewife

tarter,
Thanks, I tried getting MIL to baby sit while we went out twice, but we only ended up talking about our kids and other people, Just feel like he enjoys doing that. So even after spending 3 hours alone I am not happy, when I brought this up he says, we are parents already and have to behave like one, what does that mean "means romance shouldnt be there for parents" I hate his logic!

mamab

I don't agree with your hubby that "romance shouldn't be there for parents." Where does it say that anywhere? In fact, most marriage counselors will tell you that you NEED to romance your spouse to keep a marriage together. I hope you're able to work things out.

Thewife

mamab,
I dont agree with him either and thats why we end up being unhappy.

Really need some advice on what to do

fluidpower123

Raising children this age must be exhausting. You said that he only comes home every 2nd week since you were four months pregnant. Did he have a change of job? Does he work at the same place but this absenteeism is new? If so is he running from something? How was the marriage before children? It appears as if it was challenging.
First you have a tremendous communication problem. He doesn't understand what your needs are and he eithor doesn't listen or want to listen when you tell him. I recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" The premise of the book is that all of us have one of the five different love languages (needs) to be fulfilled. Unless or partner knows which one of the five we have, our needs will never be fulfilled. ie. you want to spend time with him - but he doesn't understand how important that is to you - partly because it is not important to him to feel fulfilled that way. The book will help with this - I suggest reading it with him.

Secondly, set a time aside for togetherness, perhaps an hour a week, go out for a coffee, movie etc. Make a rule that when you go out neithor of you can talk about the children. Conversation may be difficult at first but it will get better.

The internet sex thing does concern me. How is your sex life now? I imagine with young children it is probably stressed like much of your life. If he has made a concious decision to pull away from sex intentionally then there are other issues going on.

Lastly and this may be the most difficult thing, given your past struggles and your new challenges with children, your husband being away from home so long, by the way you described it, your marriage is at a critical point. I would strongly suggest your husband get a job where he can be home every night and help you. This may mean a little less income and a few sacrifices but if you continue on down this road, he risks losing his marriage and possibly his job as well. It is of utmost importance that he becomes a true partner and support to and for you, and you his supporter.
Hope this helps.

Thewife

fluidpower,
Thanks a lot of the post!

Nope he didnt change job, he has been with the company for more than five years but its the first time he comes home fortnightly. His job requires him to go off shore (work in the sea) at least 3 to 6 months every year but during that time he can only cal me once a week and thats all. This is the first time he's posted in a nearby island, its neither too far nor near.

For sure, we had a great married life before the kids came. We used to quarrel on and off but thats nothing compared to the love and passion we shared, but dont know where did it go

Would like to read that book but no time now.
Frankly speaking, our sex life is not that healthy as well. AFter we started to resume sex life when babies were 2 months, it was a happy thing only twice, I felt that he hardly wants and I wanted more. Whenever, I complain abt this, he will do it almost everyday and i will feel like he is forcing himself though he seems to enjoy it

We are planning to move to the island he is working so that we can be together and he can help me. will be going there end of next month.

I was thinking through everything last few days and wondering if his behaviour is due to workstress, he has a lot of stress at work lately. Another thing that had occured to me is, whether he is suffering from low sex drive.....??? Dont really know how to ask him this?

On that saturday night I was sound asleep before he was home and the next day I just pretended to be ok...........the day went by very busy and again no time for us....then flew off to his off shore project leaving me to crack my head with all kinds of things...........

I wish I could be like him, just happy with everything.

draconis

My first consern would be the communication issue. If you can talk about anything then you can solve most problems. My wife and I work opposite shifts to take care of the family of six. We don't have a lot of time we can spend together but we have exceptional communications. I always know what is going on in her life and she in mine. We talk about our general days and what we want to happen.

Second is with pressing little time we need to make the most of the time we have thus we have a high percent of quaility time.

Third after the four kids we still have time for romance and passion. It is an important glue that holds us together.

Fourth don't worry about your figure. It can come back in time and he needs to know that the beauty that is in you needs to be seen. If he had to gain the 40-60 pounds you did how fast could he whip himself back into shape?

best wishes.

draconis