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Retroactive jealousy--To those who are bothered by wives' past sextual experiences

54K views 86 replies 38 participants last post by  Coffee Amore 
#1 ·
I understand it's difficult feeling, but I am deeply saddened by the husbands/fiancees' who claim their " profound love " yet couldn't stop punishing their wives/fiancees for their honesty and the unchangeable past, questioning their morales ,values despite the fact the wives/fiancees have " done nothing but love me" .

I am not here to criticize their feelings are wrong; but what they are doing is very insulting and hurtful to the ones they claim to love deeply.

Retroactive Jealousy -- if you haven't already looked it up-- hope the information will help.

Retroactive-jealousy.com

10 Ways to Deal With Your Partner’s Sexual Past (Because You Have To)

Guidelines for dealing with (retroactive) jealousy - Conscious Loving Relationship Advice Forum & Community
 
#2 · (Edited)
It upsets me so much. One poster was married for 20 years, had children and a wife who was exemplary. He began to have problems and practically tortured his good wife because of his problem. I think women react as if the man is being reasonable and allow themselves to abused.

It is better to consider that their husband is mentally ill and tell him to get help. Set boundaries if he refuses to get help consider divorce . Has to treated like any other abusive relationship.

I really don't understand how a man who claims to love his partner can torture her? The judgement heaped on women is astounding to me. Both from the OP and men who pipe in about "values". I'll bet these guys with "values" look at porn, make comments to women in the street, talk about sex with women with the buddies.

There are the same guys who watch porn, have sowed their wild oats, applaud the married guy who is poking the cute secretary, think about having sex with random women or are having an affair or would if they could get away with it. I wonder where their "values" are? Ahh but these are just things that men do so it's OK. Doesn't mean they don't love their wives, doesn't make them bad men.

It seems that the value guys think men are inherently good and entitled to sexual expression any way they want and what ever they do does not effect their basic goodness. Besides it's the testosterone, seed spreading instincts that naturally can not be controlled.

Women on the other hand are evil temptress who need to be controlled by the value guys so that they have access when ever they want.

I think it is a remnant of bygone days when women were expected to be virgins while men weeded around. This BS will fade away when the men who came of age in repressive times are no longer exerting any influence. Men coming of age today just like men adapted to women voting, having careers, using birth control and being in positions of power.

I'd advise women not to divulge details about their sex lives. I don't understand why women do that. If the man insist on knowing drop him too much trouble. That will avoid many of these problems. That and avoiding sexually insecure men.
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#7 ·
ACTUALLY THERE ARE MEN WITH VALUES !!and its glaringly obvious you were one of these women that was at the bar with a new man everyweek! I am a man that's dealing with this and Letter me tell you its not abuse ???I was married 5 years and together 6and completely lied to about her sexual past I was told 10 its actually 25 and 18 one night stands AND NO I font thinks its ok or normal to do this man women anyone its disgusting sorry but it shows low morals ,and if your a mom then what are you doing?screw all the excuses .....low self worth bla bla bla its nasty and if your a man that's had low amount of parntners and you lived a good respected life then its ok to look for that in a women ...and we all deserve to the know THE TRUTH !!here's my opinion slits and scum bags can all go fu** all they want then date echother !!:) because the rest of us NORMAL people can date marry and live without being haunted ...to you I just wanna say your the twisted one to think that a hunband dissent have the right to be angry his wife screw all the guys in town
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#3 ·
What's with the vitrol Catherine? Hit too close to home?

I am not saying jealous men are justified but research shows women are more likely to cheat and more likely to initiate divorce, and while past events do not guarantee future results they sure do serve as an indicator. Do some reading on female hypergamy.

Don't try painting all men with the same brush. I haven't sowed wild oats, I haven't applauded the married guy who is poking the cute secretary, I haven't thought about having sex with random women or had an affair. In fact I was a virgin entering our marriage, whereas my wife came with "experience" ...

-e.p.
 
#27 ·
There is no research that shows that women are more likely to cheat. Women cheat these days at a level close to men but still a few % points below the level men cheat at.

Women are these days are more likely to file for divorce. But it's often not the woman who actually ended the marriage. BOTH spouses share responsibility for the state of a bad/failed marriage.

I don't think that her post is attacking all men. I think it's addressing social norms.
 
#4 ·
If a man is going to look down on his wife or think poorly of her for her past decisions and experience, than why marry her to begin with? My husband has only ever been with one other woman besides me, his high school girlfriend they lost their virginity to each other, and I...well...I've been with a handful of guys. Done lots of things I look back on now with some regret. But my husband loves me. He tells me my past doesn't matter because it's the *past*...I must agree men who are unable to live in the present with the woman they are married to now and who must constantly berate and put down their wives for things done in the past, especially things done before their relationship ever began, have some serious issues and should seek professional help to get past it if they truly love their partner. I am certainly not going to tolerate being treated poorly for things I did when I was younger. People change and mature. I'm definitely not the same person I was even three or four years ago. No one should be verbally abused or put down or made to feel bad for choices made in the past. Let ig to. Cause it can't be changed, and it doesn't say anything about the person they are today because even as adults most people continually grow and mature with time and life experience.
 
#5 ·
My wife were open about our sexual past which equated to us each having 1 partner before we met. I did not have a problem with that what has always bothered me is that it became quite obvious to me that he is the one she wanted but could not have (bad boy would not be approved of by her family and friends). I was Mr. Safe. Isn't that just what every guy wants to be.

How do I know this? I have always thought it but one of her closest confidants was relating this to someone and did not know I was within earshot. Nice eh? I have often heard my wife counsel daughters, nieces and other young women that it is always good to date a "bad boy" before you get married so you can get that out of your system. The only problem is that I do not believe he will ever be that from an emotional standpoint with her.
 
#6 ·
I have often heard my wife counsel daughters, nieces and other young women that it is always good to date a "bad boy" before you get married so you can get that out of your system. The only problem is that I do not believe he will ever be that from an emotional standpoint with her.
See and therein lies the problem. I once read be careful who you date because you never know who you will fall in love with.
 
#8 ·
This is why you don't share every stinkin detail about your past. Holy hell. This is why you date for a long while before getting committed. Find out for yourself who the person is...don't taint it with sexual jealousy.

I never asked Hubs about his sexual past. I did ask if he'd ever cheated on someone (pretty soon into our relationship) and he said no, and that he'd only had 3 long term gf's. Awesome. he was 24. Good amount. I was 31 so my number was clearly going to be larger. It was. ;) No one cared.
 
#14 ·
Yes if I'm denied something my wife of 20 years gave freely to other men before me then it hurts very much. But as long as I feel I get the best she has to offer then I don't care about her past.

Also, I think your full of **** trying to call Catherine a ****. Those comments were based on nothing but your own bias.
 
#15 ·
Nope, I don't share my history with anyone. It's fairly obvious that I am not a virgin, but no one needs to know what kind of sex I had with my ex husband. Sorry, I don't think it's anyone's business what I did with the father of my children.
 
#17 ·
Look its not always jealousy per say its more the feeling of being disgusted because I didn't live that way and I have always respected women and my own body obviously if there's love involved its not an issue for me that is but finding out my wife lied about her sexual past ,numbers ,experiences ,on and on and YES to many it matters and imo I do see a huge difference between having 5 -maybe10 partners but 20 -+is not someone I would have married because of many reasons .and its up to me and anyone who THEY pick !not tricked mislead "!past is past is a joke .I know people change but sexual past as with any did happen and in my case finding out about 3 ways orgies ,stds,gang members ,crack use ,lying to get pregnant !on and on tons of one night stands?so how is it not ok to feel hurt when lied to deliberately ?
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#28 ·
Look its not always jealousy per say its more the feeling of being disgusted because I didn't live that way and I have always respected women and my own body obviously if there's love involved its not an issue for me that is but finding out my wife lied about her sexual past ,numbers ,experiences ,on and on and YES to many it matters and imo I do see a huge difference between having 5 -maybe10 partners but 20 -+is not someone I would have married because of many reasons .and its up to me and anyone who THEY pick !not tricked mislead "!past is past is a joke .I know people change but sexual past as with any did happen and in my case finding out about 3 ways orgies ,stds,gang members ,crack use ,lying to get pregnant !on and on tons of one night stands?so how is it not ok to feel hurt when lied to deliberately ?
No one is advocating lying and misleading. That's not even what this thread is about.
 
#18 · (Edited)
Jealousy is not the best word to describe the feelings in some of these cases, disappointment would be a better word!

I have issues with my wife's past and have searched for some kind of relief by reading hundreds of these types of posts, it always boils down to the same stand off.... women defending their lifestyle! so guys like us are, weak, insecure, old fashioned, then you get the guys that feed off of the promiscuous women and say guys like us are f*#ked and should just enjoy the "experience" our wife's can offer? and you get the sympathetic people that say, your wife picked you!! you are the one!! she loves you!! or she would be with one of her ex's you won her heart!! really?? to me this is all Blah, Blah, Blah! I am sure she was in love a few time before me too! all that has been shared with many already so nothing realy original there!

If, and I say If, you knew going in "ALL " about your wife's past, then no you have nothing to complain about unless! she is rubbing it in your face, bringing up stuff from her past to hurt or she is showing signs of dis trust, but if it all was revealed before hand and she is treating you with....here is a big word..."respect" then you have no grounds to torment her!

In my case I knew my wife was no virgin in the beginning, she was married before for 10years, had a son and admitted to a "couple" relationships and a "few" dates before we met!
Before we married I asked some personal questions about her past and she said no nothing happened out of the ordinary, her and her ex husband just grew apart and had some in-law family pressures, as for her ex boyfriends nothing special just dating some last a few months but that was about it!

Unfortunately I found out over a few months period after we were married, she was lying and had a very "busy" sexual lifestyle, which also included cheating on her ex husband with a renter they had in their basement while her ex was working shift work, she had an abortion with this guy and after him came 8 or 9 more in a 4 year period "that I know of" including one nighters, clubbing, old man dating (guys much older than her) etc etc etc. when I did question some of this (not the affair or abortion) but the extra men and her motives, she will blow a fit and deny and of course, come out with the time honored....I am insecure, judgmental etc etc Blah, Blah!!

One day in the near future I will drop the bomb on all this, but for now I do love her very much, we are happy "most" of the time, she seems to be able to live with it all with no regrets (as she has told me ion the past) so I dont like think of my wife in the way I do but, it haunts me every day it hurts our sex life, even though we attribute it to my lack of performance and Cialis is the cure! I have huge lack of respect for her past and her views on it!

To the Anti people of these posts, you realy have to walk a mile in the shoes of people who are experiencing these problems before you can offer any advice, it is like telling a drug addict, alcoholic or gambler to just...STOP! well not so easy, when you love someone, commit to them, share everything but you find out they are keeping things from you...."that are important to you" it can turn your life up side down! someone on here said, dont share any of your past, someone else said your past is no ones business?? what a load of ****! seriously, think about those comments, would you want your most trusted person in the world keeping things from you? and if they have a mindset about views you feel very strongly about, do you not think these should be discussed, explained and put to rest? I also hear dont judge me!! again what does this mean? dont judge me? why not? you, me, everybody is judged on our past, our performance our attitudes every day, our entire life is judged to get where we are or what we want, apply for a job what happens?, apply for a loan what happens? go to your doctor for help what happens? our past defines us as people...good or bad.. and if someone has a problem with our past that we are close to or bonding with, we have an obligation to reveal our lifestyle and what got us where we are! keeping secrets from loved ones is a ticking time bomb! I am sure my wife never dreamed I would find out the things I know about her, but poop always rises to the top eventually (and some loose lipped in-laws, open e-mail accounts, old letters and a diary) tend to spell a chapter about one's past!

Come clean, get all the cards on the table in the first hand, dont trap people and play with their emotions, everyone seems to agree our past defines us as people and was a manual of living so, there should be nothing to hide then, you are who you are and dont judge other people that are the closest to you for not agreeing with it, everyone has the right to choice, if you dont think your lover, husband or wife can live with the knowledge! then maybe you should be with someone else? but dont make their mind up for them by thinking what is best for them!
 
#20 ·
Come clean, get all the cards on the table in the first hand, dont trap people and play with their emotions, everyone seems to agree our past defines us as people and was a manual of living so, there should be nothing to hide then, you are who you are and dont judge other people that are the closest to you for not agreeing with it, everyone has the right to choice, if you dont think your lover, husband or wife can live with the knowledge! then maybe you should be with someone else? but dont make their mind up for them by thinking what is best for them!
:iagree:

It is the lies not the sex which are the problem.
 
#22 ·
My coping mechanism for it is to find the hotness of it all. Unfortunately that just leads to me suggesting threesomes and swinging and her slapping me upside down the head each time telling me to FK off and that she's not my wh-re that I pass around to my mates and that she only wants one c--k and that's mine.
 
#23 ·
I would never have married a woman without an extensive sexual past.

If you want to marry a virgin you should be a virgin yourself and go and live in a traditional society somewhere. Women with experience are much more interesting.
 
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#31 · (Edited)
Men and women view sex differently.

Here's a scenario.
Boy meets girl , they fall in love . The sex is great and they have good chemistry. Boy hangs out with girl and her friends. Things are just fine.
Suddenly they have a huge fight and she dumps him in a fit of rage.
Boy starts having sex with her best friends. All four of them.
Bu girl does not know , in the meantime she misses ex boyfriend badly, so they reconcile.
Happily back together in love again!
They get married and BAM!
Girl finds out that boy had sex with her best friends while they were separated.
What do you think she would feel?
Retroactive jealousy?
No.
It's worse than that.
She would feel that something is wrong with boy's thinking. How could he have done that?
She would feel a deep sense of betrayal , and helplessness because he broke an unwritten moral code that he was not obligated to keep.
Should he tell her " just get over it?"
Is she insecure and jealous for feeling this way?
How would she feel about her " best friends ?"
Yes?
Another scenario.
50 - something year old Man dating divorced woman same age, things are a bit rocky.
They separate , he has sex with the 18 year old girl next door.
They reconcile , but she does not know he had sex with " little miss hottie " next door. Then she finds out......
What do you think she would feel?
Retroactive jealousy? Nah , worse.
She would feel threatened by miss hottie and she would also feel something is wrong with man's judgment.
What if he had sex with her 25 yr old daughter from her first marriage?
How should she feel?
These matters are very personal and sensitive matters and should be treated thusly.
Each person has the right to feel differently and accept or reject their partner's perceived " sexual indiscretions ."
A man who is comfortable with his wife's past sexual exploits cannot judge another man who bothered by such and vice versa.
Some men place very little value on sex and intimacy, others need to feel like they are the only one.
Some men have no problems sharing their wives with other men , other men are too jealous and " insecure " for that.

Women and men view sex differently.
 
#32 ·
CM,

The scenarios you gave are very presonal ones. They have to do with things that occur around relationships.

How do you think the guys in your scenarios would react if the women did something similar? They would react in the same way the women would. We've seen quite a few threads on TAM about a gf or wife who had sex with the guys friends or neighbor while they were 'broken up', before getting back together.

This thread is about sex life BEFORE the the relationship starts.
 
#33 ·
But Ele,
The same principle applies , because at the time the sex occurred , there was no relationship.
In both scenarios, the couples ended their relationship.
They reconciled and got back together, so there was no obligation , the men were not cheating.
But they did break the unwritten moral code, they crossed the line of decency in the mind of the women.
Morality and decency varies from person to person, people have different tastes ,so the onlooker cannot dictate what or how the person involved should feel.

That's why I said men and women view sex differently.
If they didn't , the sex would become like water , necessary , but nothing special about it.
 
#39 ·
That! He knows they're your friends and still slept with them. I find it revolting that out of the millions of other people on earth, why would he sleep with YOUR friends? And to take it a step farther, an adult daughter? OH HELL NO! Not only would I be irate after finding out, I'd be disgusted at both of them, and any attempt to salvage the relationship would be done. His ass would be on the curb with his belongings.

It's not that he slept with someone while separated, but it's that he slept with people close to you/your child. Completely unforgivable in my humble opinion.
 
#41 ·
I meant I would feel betrayed by my friend's, if I was with a guy who did that when we were separated I really wouldn't put any value on being with him anymore (they're a dime a dozen) so wouldn't feel very betrayed because my feelings from him would be detached. Also sex with them would be just sex nothing more.
 
#43 · (Edited)
Ok i'm a little confused, I think both gender's would be pissed if the partner slept with their (adult) kid, so moral codes there would be the same.
I don't think all men who doesn't want to be with a woman who has high number's are jealous, some don't have casual sex themselves and place a high value on number and if someones made that fact known and if they found out their partner lied/omitted about there past they would have every right to be pissed off.
 
#44 ·
You do not sound confused to me.
What you have posted there is exactly what I'm trying to say.

A woman with a high number meets a man who is conservative and falls in love. She decides she wants this man, He too. They get married.
She must know before hand that her past would make him feel insecure. It goes against his moral codes.

When the issue of retroactive jealousy comes up, it is her duty to help him through it. Its her past that he's dealing with.
The only common denominator is that they both love each other. If such a love exist, they can both work through it.
If she somehow feel " entitled" to her past, and thinks that her husband
" needs to get over it " then there would always be problems in the relationship, no matter how long they have been married. He would pretend he's " over it" but it would manifest itself in other ways. For example , he might demand that she does certain sexual acts she did in the past which she is not peresently inclined to do. He might feel cheated by her vast experienc in the past and feel that he too, is entitled to have sex with more partners, enter " threesomes and so fourth."
The mind tends to play games.
If he truly loves her, he would accept her for who she is presently, what they have, and work on it together.

But these things can only be settled on a couple by couple basis. The dynamics of the marriage will affect the outcome, it could wind up as a power struggle.

So the usual TAM " get over it " response to such cases reeks of arrogance.
 
#47 ·
My position is this. Anyone that marries and THEN complains about their spouse's number of previous sexual partners is a few fries short of a happy meal. All that stuff should be worked out before marriage. Personally I would not marry a woman who has had even 1 other sexual partner in her past, but that's me and also my culture. But to get married, and then complain, is really *****y. If you don't want someone with many sexual encounters, definitely don't marry them
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#48 ·
. But to get married, and then complain, is really *****y. If you don't want someone with many sexual encounters, definitely don't marry them
:iagree:
I don't understand how people get married without first discussing these things.
 
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