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All over some silly blueberry soap!

877 views 4 replies 5 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 · (Edited)
I'm so nervous asking a question here. The last and only other time I sought advice in a forum (parenting) they ripped me a new one. eeks! So I place my trust in your hands and grimace just a little, hehe. I will start out with the cliff notes for those who would rather skip my lengthy story.

My husband and I have been together 7 years. We have 2 boys. My youngest not even a year yet. Our bedroom life is not what it once was. As many others who fall into an unfortunate rut. The other day I asked my son to wash his hands. Dad and son both did. They use a fruity smelling soap. it's a running joke with us how pretty they smell after. I teasingly said "who is she?!? to my husband. He got all defensive. I gave him a weird look. You know the one ,****ed eyebrow scrunched face. Than I said "that was weird. Soooo who is she"? And I laughed. Trying to bring it back around to a joke again. He replied. "I'm not starting this $@!ll" And that was that. It was dropped. But I can't shake this feeling in my gut. Is there another woman?Am I being paranoid?

There...my.. I hope condensed version. The following will shed a little bit of light on our history. To each and every one of you I wish you a beautiful day!

As I said we've been together 7 years. Our first 2 years were long distance. It took us some time to adjust as a family when the final move was made. I have a son from a previous relationship and was not ready to make any giant leaps without making sure that this man was THE MAN. He was funny, smart, wonderful with my son, helpful, easy to talk to, and on the eyes haha.

While in our long dist relationship I trusted him wholeheartedly. Than after moving in together I was made aware of a few things. My trust began to crumble than all together shatter. He had been texting his ex wife behind my back, met up with an ex girlfriend and found out while my son and I were in the process of moving in with him he was seeing someone else. I don't have any idea if anything physical happened. He says no. I have my doubts.

We went to counselling. For four years now we've been...eh. okay. Things have been gradually going downhill. Our intimacy, communicating, and just bonding. I want things the way they were before. But am having trust issues. He is content. Or so he says.

After finding out the sneaky things he had been doing. I took up to being sneaky myself. I went through his computer, social media, email, and cell phone. After counselling he told me he was giving all that up because it seemed to be the root of our problem. So he did. We've been using basic phones ever since. He spends time with us. He is really a good family man.

After time I ceased my stalking. I don't harass him while he's at work (I never did), I don't hound him with questions (I never really did that either. Just stalked). I'm pretty laid back myself. So that's why his overreacting about some silly soap has left me uneasy. I just have this gut wrenching feeling. The only other time I had this is when he told me he wasn't meeting up with his ex girlfriend and I just knew he was lying. I wouldn't rest until I found proof. And I did. That is the ONLY way he will ever come clean.

So to those who may say "just ask". I can't. Because if I do he will deny deny deny. He is a VERY good liar. I don't want to resort to my old ways. I couldn't even if I wanted to. He conveniently severed all ties with technology as far as I can see. Though...no don't go down that path. I'm so scared to bring this up to him. Please, am I overreacting?

I guess I should add that he's been moody here lately, having longer days at work, yelling at our oldest all the time. Oh I need to stop I'm just overly worried and probably looking into things way to much. He he.
 
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#2 ·
Good evening
First - jokes that aren't really jokes are a very bad idea: don't joke about something that actually bothers or worries you.

You need to decide whether or not you want to trust him. You can never know for sure - that is why it is trust. It sounds like he's been out of bounds before, so you have every right to mistrust if you do. But if you do find he is cheating, what would you do next?
 
#4 ·
It was a joke, but it obviously triggered a negative reaction...either A)He was hurt, believing in that moment, you were accusing him, or B)He has something to hide.

In either case, it is worth for you to apologize to him for the joke...empathizing with him at his alarm at the course jesting...thinking in that moment that you were cornering him about an affair. This hopefully will de-escalate the situation.

Having said that, you should say your sorrys and then go into your sneaky mode until your fears are alleviated or if you find something. We have a popular evidence gathering thread here.

I know what it is like to live with that suspicion in the back of your mind...and sometimes you just need to follow that voice until you are comfortable with telling yourself, "Okay, that's enough. Everything is okay."
 
#5 ·
With the history I can see why he reacted as he did. Now the problem is that you do not know if it's an indication that he does not like that line of joking because he's cleaned up his act or if it's because he's cheating.

Do not joke like that again. It can only cause problems.

However, you might want to start snooping. I would not call it stalking. That's not what it is. It's you making sure that you know the truth of what's going on in your life. You have the right to know. He's a known liar.

You are right that you cannot just come out and ask him if he's cheating. You will get the same answer if he is cheating or if he is not. Cheaters lie.

Your marriage is going down hill. You do not trust your husband for good reasons. So now what are you going to do?

You say that he does not use a computer now. Well with the new cell phones he can still be active on social media. He can call people, text, etc.

Do you ever see the actual phone bill?
 
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