stungbylove

Hi,

I'm a very frustrated new mother and wife. One of the main issues on hand is the lost of faith... i longer trust my husband to be there for me, defend me, to hold me or comfort me..

I'm not talking about cheating or such but more like, my husband is not being "husband-ny".

I hope to seek some advice from couples whom have encounter the same experience and how things are concluded or solved.

It started from my pregnancy, my husband never read up or find out on pregnancy. Don't misunderstood me, he didn't mis-treated me nor didn't want this pregnancy. There are times where he would be all excited to put his hand on my belly and feel the baby and all. But there are times when i was emotionally down, physically insecure he didn't comfort and encourage me.
I had a hard time dealing with his many single and crude friends. One of them made comment at my 7th month pregnant body that my breast are bigger than my belly. I felt insulted but my husband didn't recognize that and join in the joke instead of defending me.

Through out the whole 10 months, i felt extremely lonely. my families are far away, i'm new to his country of residence and i can't blend in with his networks of friends. Minor frustrations started to build but the biggest blow to me was...

After my delivery, he got physically distant from me. He no longer touches me nor even hold my hands. when i needed just a hugs or a kiss from all the tiring nights of breastfeeding, he was stiff and does it in a go through action manner. I don't know if his is turned off by my body or what... i am having very low self esteem and low morale.

2 months after the birth, i finally calmed myself down enough to talk to him. Apparent, he told me the whole birthing experience is too overwhelming for him and he felt very traumatize. He was by my side during the time of birth and he didn't see much of the actual action. After more probing, he confesses that it's the blood spilling and a bloody looking placenta that haunt him now and then. I tried my best to understand from his position but i couldn't stomach it.

I went through 10 months of hardwork physically, mentally and emotionally carrying our child and gave birth to a beautiful daughter. Now all of this is rewarded by this?! I look at my daughter and tears swell in my eyes all the time, why aren't we both being cuddle by daddy like this is a very joyous event in our life?

I'm very extremely hurt and is so disappointed that i'm thinking of leaving this man. But whenever i sees my daughter, i have 2nd thoughts. I hope to give us another go to work it out. Hope to get some advice from this forum as i couldn't convince him to find a counselor.

Need much help.

AZMOMOFTWO

I am really sorry about what you are going through. This sounds to me like something deeper than the two of you can manage on your own. He truly seems traumatized by the whole event. Perhaps he felt he injured you in some way and doesn't want to do that again. Maybe he actually could not bare, from may be from his perspective, your suffering. Couples counseling may truly help you both through this. I know you said you could not convince him to go to a counselor but it may be the only way. I would tell him that you are extremely hurt and it really can't go on this way.

I had a very difficult first delivery. Pregnancy was fine but nearly lost my baby and my own life with the first one. Required a transfusion. She was born C-section and my husband actually watched. I was so scared he'd feel differently and he didn't. He told me he loved me more. My second was a C sec as well too. That never changed our relationship except to enhance it. Men who do not see their wives as beautiful during pregnancy are too hung up on the physical. I actually don't think its the case with him though, I think this is much deeper.

As for his friends, sounds like they are not nice at all and you need to tell him that these things were hurtful to you.

In the meantime don't let it ruin the joy of your new baby girl. She needs the love and attention she is not getting from her father. By the way, how does he treat her, does he pull away or is he completely doting father?

Its not you, but you do need a support group. This is a good place to start but maybe look in to a local church, women's group, even a single mom's group. You need others around you to help you through this rough period. I reached out to a local single mom's group during a particular rough period and got the support I so needed.

Try telling your husband how this makes you feel and how it affects your marriage. Ask him once again to go to counseling as you fear that your marriage cannot last if things do not change quickly.

Also if its possible for you and your daughter to spend some time away from him, that may be beneficial as well.

I sure wish I had something better to offer. Keep us posted.

cdn-joe

Oh! I'm so sorry for how you feel. But I can relate. I was a husband who watched the birth of my first child and was traumatized by it. It was a difficult birth and the blood and stuff was overwhelming. You can watch all the movies you want, but it's not the same as when it's your wife going through it. And then my child was a blue baby, not breathing due to meconium aspiration. Very traumatic for us. But I felt that I was the one who caused all this and was totally freaked out for a few months.

Also now that you are a mother your husband views you differently. Not as just his partner, or his lover, but the mother of his child and is not quite used to doing it with the new "mother figure" in his live. He has to learn a whole new respect for you and is probably just trying to process all this new stuff. It just takes time for him to adjust. Really. Don't be too upset with him.