General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married over 35 years. First 10 were awesome, then thngs went down hill. I have no idea of what happened. My husband is a professional, and I can't get him to work more than half time. All he wants to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. We have had to file bankruptsy 5 times, lost 3 homes, IRS leins, umpteen lawsuits, multiple cars repo'd, utilities shut off all the time, phones shut off, creditors calling all the time, yet he spends money on himself shockingly. He probably spends over a thousand a month on his "things". Won't give me any money, was a stay at home Mom with 4 kids who turned out great. He is overwieght by about 60 lbs. and eats like you wouldn't believe. Has dinner and then starts with ice cream cookies nuts crackers and cheese EVERY night. Has had heart surgery and still kept on eating. He does the grocery shopping (won't give me the money) so I can't keep it out of the house. No IRA, no savings, checking account is in the negative almost daily, he pays over 1500 a month in bounced check charges. If I try to talk to him about it he starts screaming at me, virtually everytime he speaks to me it is very angry. I say it's because he blames me for making him work, that he looks at me and then feels guilty. Will not do anything around the house, has mowed the lawn probably 10 times in 35+ years, seriously will not do anything. He will walk past a piece of garbage for days until I pick it up. I have left things to see if he would do it, months later I cave. Leaves dirty plates and glasses on the counter. Unbelievably lazy. Bathes once a week (no exaggeration) on Friday night and smells terrible, we finally have separate bedrooms because I couldn't stand the smell. Hve not had sex in probably 8 years, and I couldn't stand it because he smelled so bad. I want to leave, but there is no money to leave or go any where......what does someone like me do, at my age. I could go on and on, but the above suffices.
I'm sorry to hear about all of the problems you're having. It truly is a tough situation when one person has controlled the money during the entire marriage. Have you considered getting a job and opening up your own checking/savings accounts to get some financial independence and have the ability to leave? Do you live in a state that would require him to pay alimony if you were to get a divorce?
With the financial circumstance, and the negative account would a judge even award alimony? He always told me he'd quit working if I ever left him. I am beginning to think that getting any job and saving, to leave is the only option.
I honestly have no idea how alimony is determined, so I can't be of any help there, but I would definitely suggest talking with an attorney to see what your options are. However, getting a job is completely in your control, so I think that's a great option.
You can contact attorneys by phone, see if they have free consultations. And once you get some info from one, you can call a few more for other questions or ideas that you need info on. You can also research divorce laws in your state online. It's easy, and there is a ton of info out there.
Do you have any close girlfriends, or sisters who might 'be there for ya"? That helps. Moral support will be a huge bonus!
You can do whatever you put your mind to. Hard to know what your options are right now, or how you will get by.... but its not to hard to start planning and dreaming, and working toward your goal of a happier life!
Yes I have a few girlfriends that could lend moral support, and they do. Sisters are a lot older and out of state, we aren't close. I think I will look up alimony laws, but I always worry about him finding the history on the computer.
If you want to do research online, try going to the local library if you're worried about the history. Is it going to be an issue if he finds you talking in this forum?
Click on start, control panel, then Network/Internet, then clear history.
Or, use someone else's computer to get info. Not just alimony.... also marital settlements, retirement funds, etc... ask the whole questions right in google. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... if your h is a big "googler", then search in yahoo and he won't even know.
I'm just stunned you survived a quarter of a century - potentially a third of your life - putting up with this. Which is what I see as your biggest problem. Not him, but overcoming your inertia. 1. Try to learn about the big wide world of hope out there... as someone said, google or yahoo or bing or whichever else can be your friend. Get out of the house and start looking for work even if at the end of it you don't leave him. It'll give you money and maybe friends.
At the same time,
2. Try to figure out what happened 8/9/10 years ago. It might (big word in the circumstances) be something you can start to turn the clock back on.
3. Has he been happy all this time? surely not? does he have friends?
OK it's you we/you really need to address but if you've stuck with him I guess you must have love or loyalty or something which will mean you're also interested in improving his life if that were possible?
25 years you have lived this way and you are now fedup. Get a job, and find a roommate to move in with. You can try for alimony, but seriously doubt you will get anything from him. He is broke, you can't get blood from a turnip.
Could you stay with one of your kids until you could get on your feet.
What is wrong with him 
