General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Cut to the chase. My mum died very recently. Funeral soon. Partner of 10 years has thought about it and isn't going. I feel rather let down even though I understand his reasoning, which is as follows: He's expressed (to me) his fondness, respect, admiration etc for my mum's many qualities, has expressed his belief that what matters is what you do in life rather than whether you show up after death. I see that, actually. However I also see in my mind's eye me at the funeral with my ex there (father of my elder 2), my elder 2 there, my youngest (9) probably not there because we're both unsure if he should see the rest of the family upset; though frankly I'm also still considering that one. Difficult when it means if he goes that's against his dad's wishes too.... I also know that when my partner's dad died his then wife went to the funeral. They'd only been married a couple of years at the time, but he expresses it that 'they got on really well together' which kind of implies (though isn't strictly true) that he and my mum didn't.... I think he'd have put it better if he'd said they were quite close..........so I see me, ex, 2 elder, there: and partner & youngest absent from my side. Maybe I'm making this all about me rather than mum? Maybe I'm just so mixed up right now nothing would make sense. This is of course on top of us/me trying desperately hard in recent months to rebuild our damaged relationship. Feeling let down (rightly or wrongly) is not what I wanted right now.
nb didn't want to put this in grief/loss because I wanted more people to possibly see it. Need replies, people!
If you need him there for support he should be there for you, that is what a relationship is all about, assuming he has no good reason for not attending like being overseas on a work trip or something Posted via Mobile Device
Since he expressed his reasoning for not going, did you express your reasoning for him going to him?
I mean, ultimately it's his decision, since you can hardly pack him in a box and ship him to the funeral against his will and all. But if perhaps you express it in terms of this being important to you and important to you as a step in rebuilding the relationship?
Then either he would go, or you might have a clearer idea of where things stand.
Since he expressed his reasoning for not going, did you express your reasoning for him going to him? I mean, ultimately it's his decision, since you can hardly pack him in a box and ship him to the funeral against his will and all. But if perhaps you express it in terms of this being important to you and important to you as a step in rebuilding the relationship? Then either he would go, or you might have a clearer idea of where things stand.
Your question is a good one, since it was a fairly emotional conversation I was trying to keep totally calm and although I did say I felt I would rather have him (& possibly 9yo) by my side than only my ex (and obviously the older 2). But I didn't actually spell out 'would you be prepared to come to support me'.
If I'm honest I'm not sure I see it as important for rebuilding, because it wasn't an issue when we started addressing stuff (mostly I) need to deal with in order for us to rebuild. However an almost total reassurance of 'his intentions' is one of my problems and not being at my side feels TO ME like a disappointment, a lack of support.
I do, though, understand it's up to the individual. So whether this will prove a dealbreaker for me I doubt, we've got past, or ignored, possibly, so many others ... I did sent him a text, today as it happens, pointing out the one thing I hadn't done was to ask him to come. Needless to say I received no reply!
Your question is a good one, since it was a fairly emotional conversation I was trying to keep totally calm and although I did say I felt I would rather have him (& possibly 9yo) by my side than only my ex (and obviously the older 2). But I didn't actually spell out 'would you be prepared to come to support me'. If I'm honest I'm not sure I see it as important for rebuilding, because it wasn't an issue when we started addressing stuff (mostly I) need to deal with in order for us to rebuild. However an almost total reassurance of 'his intentions' is one of my problems and not being at my side feels TO ME like a disappointment, a lack of support.
I do, though, understand it's up to the individual. So whether this will prove a dealbreaker for me I doubt, we've got past, or ignored, possibly, so many others ... I did sent him a text, today as it happens, pointing out the one thing I hadn't done was to ask him to come. Needless to say I received no reply!
I doubt that I'd ever put "funeral attendance" as an addressable issue in dealing with relationships specifically, but I think as you say at the end, it speaks to the larger issue. This isn't the company picnic that he doesn't feel like going to...this is big. This doesn't sound like an issue of him attending a social event, but rather an example of whether or not he's willing to actually BE your partner and provide the kind of emotional support, etc. that most people would expect from the person they're sharing their life with.
I could be off, and maybe it is more about the social, and that's just as valid. I go most places by myself and until people got used to my "party of one" it was pretty old explaining that hubby was at work or doing something else or whatever. But if both of you are working on things right now, for something like the loss of your mother, what you need during this time should be a really important thing to him.
I doubt that I'd ever put "funeral attendance" as an addressable issue in dealing with relationships specifically, but I think as you say at the end, it speaks to the larger issue. This isn't the company picnic that he doesn't feel like going to...this is big. This doesn't sound like an issue of him attending a social event, but rather an example of whether or not he's willing to actually BE your partner and provide the kind of emotional support, etc. that most people would expect from the person they're sharing their life with.
I could be off, and maybe it is more about the social, and that's just as valid. I go most places by myself and until people got used to my "party of one" it was pretty old explaining that hubby was at work or doing something else or whatever. But if both of you are working on things right now, for something like the loss of your mother, what you need during this time should be a really important thing to him.
I know it must sound like I'm providing his excuses, but I suspect the major factor from his perspective is the premature loss of his sister and father within a couple of months of each other - hence straight up not liking funerals. Or trusting hospitals. etc. Ref working on things, he did his major working already, it's me who has wised up late in the event..... whether this alters your view on things I don't know, I don't know much at all lately
Having said that ^ I think COG's final few words do resonate. It's just whether I'm prepared for them to resonate to the detriment of our relationship......... or whether he recognises that it could even do that.......
Feeling a bit let down...... 
