butterflymary

Ive just found this page and I have a question that I need to find an answer to. I have been seeing this man for about five months. I do like him very much indeed and we have a great time together but the point is that our relationship is rather complicated. For what he told me, he was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years. After 3 years she got pregnant with his baby. He told me that their relationship was a disaster and it was merely about sex, no love or anything like that. But since she got pregnant, he stayed with her and tried to make it work even though all his friends and family kept persuading him to leave her because according to them, she was no good. I don’t know her but he described her as a selfish woman who doesn’t care about anyone else but herself. They broke up after those 5 years when he got home one day and there was already another man with her. He said they broke up in August last year. So when I started up with him in April this year, I thought he could be over her after those 9 months. The thing that always bothered me was that he wasn’t able to talk about her nicely, which leads me to the thought that he still isn’t over her. Also he said that from August when they separated, they only talk about their kid and that there is nothing going on between the two of them. Anytime I asked him if he was sure he was over her, he snapped at me that he hated her and she made him sick. That was weird enough. I found some texts that they exchanged in February this year when he apparently wanted to get back with her, said he still loved her, there was rather sexual content, he asked her if she was okay with the sex she has with her new bf, she replied she wasn’t and he offered to book a hotel room for the weekend and leave. First she agreed but then texted him she didn’t wanna cheat on her new guy so early, told him to find a new gf and it all finished with her saying – once you have a new girl, and you feel like cheating on her, let me know. We can start seeing each other again. But now I can’t do it.
What do you think I should do? I know the texts date back to when I didn’t even know him but it breaks my heart that he may not be over her. And also that he lied to me. He kept those texts for half a year while there was not a single text from me. I know it is not easy for a man to admit he was or still is heartbroken but I have no idea what to think about this. PLEASE, POST ME SOME ADVICES, ANY… I will be grateful for anything. Thank you.

Prodigal

From your post, it doesn't sound like he's heartbroken, it sounds like he is considering a sexual relationship with his ex again. I kind of get the feeling you could be a place-holder; just someone he stays with until his ex gives him the go-ahead to come back, at least for a fling.

You have already caught him lying to you. For me, this would be a deal-breaker, particularly since it isn't a little white lie.

You may want to seriously reconsider whether you want to be with this man. He lies, sounds defensive (and somewhat nasty) when you bring up the subject of his ex, and you don't really trust him. He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Jellybeans

You have been dating 5 months and the texts were from February which means there was some overlapping.

No, I don't think he's over her and yes, it's a red flag anytime you are dating someone who badmouths their ex constantly. He'd prob do the same to you.

Oh and any guy who tells you he only stayed with his ex cause she was pregnant and says how awful/selfish/no good she is is a loser. Clearly he lied if he was still trying to tap her not too long ago and still has all their texts.

Laurae1967

Run for the hills. This guy is using you as a placeholder until his ex will cheat with him. You can do better. There are other men who aren't so complicated who will be in a better place.

saveamarriage101

I would be careful, you need to be straight up with him and ask what is going on. I wouldn't risk getting hurt when all the signs are there that he still feels for his ex. But first just ask him up front what is going on. And mention the texts etc.

You need to find out for sure for yourself

BleepingFamily

OMG Mary!
I'm so glad I caught your post. From my guys point of view I can tell you this much:
1 - a guy cant stay in a JUST-SEXUAL relationship for 5 years. If its just sex it usually ends after some months. So they had a real relationship. (sorry)
2 - How things evolved, right now they want (and will) keep on their sexual relationship. (sorry)
3 - Last but not least: MARY: SNAP OUT OF IT! Gee, don't you see he is a cheater, like a professional one! Do you really wanna waste some precious time with this looser?
Don't think about HIM, think about that lovable, faithful, mentally mature, physically attractive guy that you haven't met yet!

Now pick up your stuff, stop crying and get on a dating website, for crying out loud.

Sorry to be a little harsh, I have a daddy-like attitude when it comes to women that don't love themselves.

Mike