General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
ok. I am on here all the time, tryingt to learn, listening and venting. I cannot seem to break the freakin chain that burdens me. Evidentally, I am a guy that can do nothing right with my wife or have any type of fun with her. She is so freakn' boring, it sickens me! She is so insecure, I am starting to understand why things happened the way they did. Affair, finger pointing, blah, blah. I am tired of walking on eggshells and doing things not to hurt her feelings. Hell, i don't know if anything doesn't hurt her feelings. She accuses me of insecurtiy and being a baby. Anyway, today we were sending emails back and forth, i thought we were flirting a little. At least, i thought. she sent me an email that was of a man with a bare butt, something about an optical illusion. You know one of those cheesy emails a woman would send to their girlfriends at work. So, I laughed and sent her one of a sexy woman in bed(no nudity) unless you have a vivid imagination....ha. Anyway, she responded in saying..."At least mine was funny, I guess I won't send you anymore like that again." I responded and told her I laughed at hers and being funny is a matter of opinion. I told her to not call me a baby anymore. (She always calls me a baby if I question something she says when she hurts my feelings) We don't fight. But, I feel like I am dealing with an intellect of a teenager when it comes to a relationship. It sucks. Everything is fine as long as it is on her terms. I am bored and tired of holding back because it may hurt her feelings. I have feelings to. Thanks for the e-ear.
I didn't see your other posts so not sure who had the affair, you or she? I'm guessing it was you as you are very concerned about hurting her feelings. If so, I am in this position and I know I can be hyper-sensitive. Not to his jokes actually I love that we both still have a sense of humor. I just seem to notice things I never did before. Like one evening we were with some friends and I noticed he kept checking out of the conversation and texting...well that was a big issue so instead of asking I kind of snapped and said "who are you texting?"...boy was I embarrassed when it was our daughter! But he was not defensive, he just acted normal and told me who it was and turned the phone around so I could see all the messages. I felt bad about jumping to conclusions and I don't do this all the time but I am sensitive after what happened. We play sand volleyball together and one of the girls on another team is very flirty and he said hi to her by name and later on she was goofing off, shaking her butt etc. and I noticed him watching. Honestly no big deal, he's not dead its ok to look but it irritated me. I didn't say anything I felt like I was being a jerk but he picked up on it and asked me what was wrong. I decided to tell him and he told me he really hadn't noticed he said hi to her as she always says hi to him etc. Anyway my point is after this I am not acting normal but by him not acting defensive I am dropping my guard and beginning to really trust him again. On the other hand I have to be open with him and tell him, without accusing what bothers me so he can solve these issues. It is really working for us. Open communication, his understanding, and me working too and not reading something in to everything. It sounds to me like that is what she is doing.
As for being boring...that is a separate issue and maybe what led to the crack in your relationship. But boring is two ways. Our relationship got boring, at first he made it seem all me but honestly he didn't do anything to spice it up either. When we reconnected with each other, it was no work at all to spice it up. We are having more fun today than we have in years. You have to get that connection back in order to begin having fun again.
Try to initiate some fun, take her out on a date. Out of the blue complement her. Touch her in a casual way (shoulder squeeze, hug, rub her cheek) often. Talk to her more about your day, your thoughts, ask her her thoughts. See if that doesn't make a change in her. When you have established communication you can find out what is really bothering her and in a non-confrontational way tell her you feel like you can't do anything right and why.
That's the thing. She had the affair!! not me. I do things out of the blue. I rubbed her feet the other day, she asked me why and i told her she is on her feet all day and hopefully i could make them feel better. I feel I go over and beyond, that why i get so irritated. She should be estatic. I love her. I would totally understand if it were the other way around.
That's the thing. She had the affair!! not me. I do things out of the blue. I rubbed her feet the other day, she asked me why and i told her she is on her feet all day and hopefully i could make them feel better. I feel I go over and beyond, that why i get so irritated. She should be estatic. I love her. I would totally understand if it were the other way around.
I do believe you love your wife, and I'm sure many others here believe you do too. It's great that you do all these great things for her, but I'd like to pull you aside to give you another perspective.
I hear a lot of couples say when they're in trouble "I gave him everything!" or in this case "I gave her everything!". While this is somewhat true, I'd like to add, they gave their partners everything, except for what they really needed.
Now I'm not saying if what she needs is love and you're not giving love. The honest truth is, you are. The problem is, you may not be giving it the way that she wants it. For love one person may think that they need hugs and kisses, while the partner may actually need to be looked deeply and lovingly into her eyes. These slight shifts can make the difference. Now this is different for every person so you'll need to find what it really is for your wife. You may be on the right track with the feeting rubbing etc, but you're missing the last digit to the 6 digital combination. Find out what it is. The results will be the proof in the pudding.
I'd also suggest looking at what's most important to her in the list of 6 human needs. The 6 human needs are:
1. Certainty
2. Variety
3. Significance
4. Connection and Love
5. Growth
6. Contribution
Everyone has these needs and everyone has 2 dominant needs above everything else. The 2 dominate needs reflect how she makes her decisions. Make sure these needs are met on a level of 8-10 in her eyes. Hope this helps.
yes I can see that. I am gonna ask. I think hers is signifcance. and connection. But i will ask 4 sure. Man, I don't want to tute my own horn, but i learn from mistakes and try to improve myself. I feel like i am on a dead end street.
It really sounds like you both are just really sensitive. I bet she feels like she walks on eggshells around you, too. You may not recognize it, but you get your feelings hurt a lot too. I think it goes both ways as far as that is concerned.
That's the thing. She had the affair!! not me. I do things out of the blue. I rubbed her feet the other day, she asked me why and i told her she is on her feet all day and hopefully i could make them feel better. I feel I go over and beyond, that why i get so irritated. She should be estatic. I love her. I would totally understand if it were the other way around.
I have to agree with you, she sounds incredibly insecure. Based upon how you described she's acting, she sounds more like the one on the injured end. Maybe here is a reason that you need to find out why or maybe its her personality. In either case you need to be able to talk about it. It sure sounds like something is bugging her. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, sounds like you are doing it all right. That might be it, guilt! She may be feeling like she doesn't deserve how you treat her. Try talking to her, tell her how you feel. If she's open to marriage counseling that might help you both get the lines of communication open.
This is ridiculous!!! 
