General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
It's funny, but the way you describe yourself sounds like literally every husband I've ever known, except my own. You're a type-B personality. There are plenty of them out there. Where do you live? I live in rural Ohio, and I can tell you, what you describe is precisely the way people around here live. I've lived in places where people were always on the go, and I felt like a fish out of water there. Maybe it's partly a regional issue.
I've known men who've brought their wives from rags-to-riches and the wives have left them. Who knows why? I doubt it was dullness, though. I think it's more a matter of someone who is always pursuing something "better" because she isn't happy in her own skin.
I spent two decades looking for a man to marry, and in that time I was on various dating/sex sites. I came to some conclusions from this experience: 1) it's easy for women to get sex, 2) it's easy for men to get a relationship, and 3) if one doesn't work out, there is always another coming right down the pike. There are just so many women out there looking for a man to treat them right. Look at how many put up with intolerable situations just to keep "love." If you are willing to fish in the appropriate pond (which is where many men go wrong, imo--they think they "deserve" someone younger and better-looking than they are, for some reason), and you treat a woman right, as it sounds like you will, I would think you'd have your choice of women. Of course, if you would rather believe you don't, you can sit alone and ponder why you are so unworthy.
I spent two decades looking for a man to marry, and in that time I was on various dating/sex sites. I came to some conclusions from this experience: 1) it's easy for women to get sex, 2) it's easy for men to get a relationship, and 3) if one doesn't work out, there is always another coming right down the pike. There are just so many women out there looking for a man to treat them right. Look at how many put up with intolerable situations just to keep "love." If you are willing to fish in the appropriate pond (which is where many men go wrong, imo--they think they "deserve" someone younger and better-looking than they are, for some reason), and you treat a woman right, as it sounds like you will, I would think you'd have your choice of women. Of course, if you would rather believe you don't, you can sit alone and ponder why you are so unworthy.
I agree with this very much. After Bad relationships/Marraiges -statistically Men have NO desire to marry again, too much hassle, not worth the financial risk -so they just "use" the women for sex. But women want MORE than that - You would be the rare bird not interested in playing like that but more like this quote :
Quote:
It was probably my dullness that caused her to lose passion for me. Thanks for the compliment, and yes, I am learning a lot.
Do you really feel you are DULL -at your core ? Do you not genuinelly "like" who you are ?
Wasn't it more like this.... There WAS passion in the beginning of your marraige, like you said she could have loved & lived with you , been happy -even with no electricity (love was free flowing back then, dopamine rushing, it was all about you & her)-- so you HAD IT , SHE HAD IT ................
THEN.....you & her lost communication over the years- a slight here, a slight there, neither of you making an issue out of it- she was not meeting your needs, she felt you was not meeting hers, more time spent alone & instead of showing some FIRE about it (conflict), you retreated, and fell into the whole "Mr Nice Guy" routine feeling love is unconditional " I would never leave her anyway --I CAN PUT UP WITH THIS" .....this was your belief -but what happened in this process is - YOU lost the spark for her, she undeniably FELT THIS, which yes, can become very "dull".
Maybe you do need to find yourself again and not be ashamed of what you REALLY WANT IN LIFE, in a woman, even if you feel it may be a little SELFISH, which is probably going against the way you "think" in many respects. Don't be afraid of being a little selfish. MY husband is alot like you- this sounds a little rediculous, but I have had accual arguments with the man to BE MORE SELFISH !!
I think we can all be "repressed" in some areas if we feel they are "wrong" or inconsiderate of others. But fighting for your own wants & needs in a relationship is accually a very passionate thing to do! It is NOT DULL.
That has more to do with being "satisfied" in a relationship and not being afriad to stand up for what you want.
But being Old Fashioned, being Different, going against the "worldly" grain, that just shows individuality. I respect people like that more so. BUt yes-like you said, I am likely not the norm, my husband tells me all the time , I am "one in a millionare" & there is not another woman like me in all the world. He is always building my ego, I say the same about him.
You just need to find that lady who will see you for the unique man you are. BUt this time around, fight for what you want in all ways. Weed them out as you meet them, don't settle for less than what YOU want, what you know is going to work for you & your family, your future. Don't worry about whether you measure up to them, as you know in your heart you are a good man and have much to offer. They need to measure up to you (too).
If you feel you have something VALUABLE to offer these women, this is the key! If you don't, then yes, maybe some counseling WILL do you some good. Or finding that side of yourself you lost many years ago.
Wow, South, SimplyAmorous hit it out of the ballpark with her response. Print it up, put copies on your refrigerator and your mirror, and read it over and over until it sinks into your consciousness.
Boy, this thread has hit home! I always felt as though I was a realist and an introvert.....and content. My life has been nothing but stress since 2006. As a result, I have found that I have become further withdrawn from society in recent years.
I recently saw a psychologist for in depth testing at the insistence of my therapist. After having 8 hours of testing, I was quiet shocked at the results. The testing revealed that my self-esteem was extremely low and that carried through to many other aspects of every day life. In addition, depression and anxiety were also big factors. My therapist was quite shocked because I presented no outward signs of those problems. Apparently I have been silently carrying the huge burden.
At least now I KNOW what it's going to take to repair "Humpty Dumpty". Unfortunately some of the "stress" damage will be permanent for me. You may want to get a serious evaluation, so that you can be an even better person than you imagined. The lesson I learned from all of this is that sometimes we even lie to ourselves to lessen the pain.
My take is good luck!! I've suffered with SA since 1-2nd grade if anything.g its worse now then ever and I don't see it improving as I go from mid life to elderly.
I can act social and play the game because we live in a social society, there is family, coworkers, etc.
But every fiber in me would rather just be alone or with my wife than doing anything social. Maybe you'll have better luck with a true cure vs a ability to just lie so to speak. Posted via Mobile Device
After Bad relationships/Marraiges -statistically Men have NO desire to marry again, too much hassle, not worth the financial risk -so they just "use" the women for sex.
SouthBound: You would be perfect for me if I were not already married. My children are nearly grown. My hobbies keep me at home and in my yard. And believe it or not I'm 30 something and attractive! It seems to me you are allowing yourself to fall into a state of depression. Is it low self esteem? You tell me. Everyone on here has offered encouragement and support and many say that they ARE interested in a man like you but yet you repeatedly come back with "No. No one's gonna be interested in me because I'm DULL." Well. Sit home and be dull and depressed or sit home and enjoy the life that YOU enjoy and not what you THINK some random fictional woman wants. Hell! Women don't know what they want! How the heck would you know!?
It's funny, but the way you describe yourself sounds like literally every husband I've ever known, except my own. You're a type-B personality. There are plenty of them out there. Where do you live? I live in rural Ohio, and I can tell you, what you describe is precisely the way people around here live. I've lived in places where people were always on the go, and I felt like a fish out of water there. Maybe it's partly a regional issue.
I've known men who've brought their wives from rags-to-riches and the wives have left them. Who knows why? I doubt it was dullness, though. I think it's more a matter of someone who is always pursuing something "better" because she isn't happy in her own skin.
I spent two decades looking for a man to marry, and in that time I was on various dating/sex sites. I came to some conclusions from this experience: 1) it's easy for women to get sex, 2) it's easy for men to get a relationship, and 3) if one doesn't work out, there is always another coming right down the pike. There are just so many women out there looking for a man to treat them right. Look at how many put up with intolerable situations just to keep "love." If you are willing to fish in the appropriate pond (which is where many men go wrong, imo--they think they "deserve" someone younger and better-looking than they are, for some reason), and you treat a woman right, as it sounds like you will, I would think you'd have your choice of women. Of course, if you would rather believe you don't, you can sit alone and ponder why you are so unworthy.
But that isn't a lot of fun.
I live in a very rural area that borders your state. Being on the go here probably looks different than it would in Chicago; our town isn't buzzing with hot spots. It just seems like people here have an "itch" to always be busy, which equals being on the go. People can't just take time to sit and relax, they have to be dabbling in something. Back when my marriage was good, one of the things we enjoyed most was renting movies on the weekend and just kicking back. Sometimes we would rent up to 3 movies and watch until late into the night.
I'm not lazy, I do what needs to be done, but I never looked for something to do just to occupy what some consider dead time.
If I have all my chores caught up, which I often do, I think, "Wow, I get to do nothing and just relax."
As for "fishing in the appropriate pond," maybe I'm looking in the wrong pond. I want a woman who is like my x was in the good times: good looking, laid back, a good moral person, hard working. She was "one in a million": That description is "in between" what we have here, and there aren't many "in-between" people here. The good looking, hard working woman here are also the "on the go" type who want boats, fancy houses, etc. The laid back women here are usually laid back because they are lazy, prefer Larry-the-Cable-Guy boyfriends, and have enough baggage to fill a freight train. I don't fit either category.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
Do you really feel you are DULL -at your core ? Do you not genuinelly "like" who you are ?
I feel i am dull by most people's way of measuring, but I really do like who I am. The way I was raised worked well for us. We were a calm family who never had any major issues. I often joke that the biggest issue we had when i was growing up was whether we were going to have our chicken with Shake-and-bake or just rolled in flour.
The lifestyle we led gave us a peaceful life instead of dramatic and stressful. It worked for us, but it doesn't blend well with other people because it's too dull for most people.
As for the rest of your post, it was great and probably hit the nail on the head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrelye
SouthBound: You would be perfect for me if I were not already married. My children are nearly grown. My hobbies keep me at home and in my yard. And believe it or not I'm 30 something and attractive! It seems to me you are allowing yourself to fall into a state of depression. Is it low self esteem? You tell me. Everyone on here has offered encouragement and support and many say that they ARE interested in a man like you but yet you repeatedly come back with "No. No one's gonna be interested in me because I'm DULL." Well. Sit home and be dull and depressed or sit home and enjoy the life that YOU enjoy and not what you THINK some random fictional woman wants. Hell! Women don't know what they want! How the heck would you know!?
That's the problem, there are plenty of women who say i would fit them perfectly and would be a good catch, but they are either married or 60 plus years old. Where are the singles who feel that way?
Hey now I'm laid back, would never be with someone like Larry-the-Cable-Guy (ick) and I dumped my baggage years ago (have the hefty therapy bill to prove it ). And lazy isn't even a word in my vocabulary. I'm also attractive and hard working. And introverted for an added bonus. Yes I'm married though.
Please stop generalizing. And that "one in million" label you put on your X is simply not true.
Oh, I wasn't applying that generalization to women everywhere, that's just generally the way they are around here; there are just few "in between" people here. it may be a cultural thing to our area.
I guess our local economy has something to do with it. Around here the jobs are either top notch or rock bottom, there is very little in between. There are very few "good jobs" here that don't require a college degree or extensive training. There are a lot of people who want to "stay" here, but the people who don't have dreams and goals of going to college and getting a good job usually just sit around and eat Cheetos, watch soaps, smoke, drink beer all day, are into something shady to make what money they do make, and are satisfied.
The ones who do have the good jobs are the "on the go" crowd who want the big houses, etc.
I must admit my husband looks at the majority of women the same as Southbound does.....And WE BOTH often feel like we are square peggers trying to fit into a round hole- among alot of people. ...
Whether it be the hyper moral church going crowd to your average Joe who likes to BS in our backyard all night putting down a few beers throwing around some swear words..... to those who earn ALOT more $$ than us, drive newer cars, eat at expensive restarants , go to rich parties vs the lower income people, who seem like they always "Need" something, help with their car, never have enough to pay their bills, many speak of big dreams but no discipline to put their feet to them, and boast of what they will do with their lottery winnings if they hit it big. We can hang with them all but we don't really fit in with the "majority" of those in such classes. We ARE "inbetweeners" too.
We don't make alot but we are VERY responsible with what we do make. And we raise our kids to be RESPECTFUL of others, their property, to always treat people fairly, never to bully, never to buy something they can not afford or to "waste" that is mortal sin to us , live decently moral but NOT overly -to the point of judging everyone & everything in this world -like many Homeschooling mothers in my church do.
I am at least thankful me & my husband are on the same page, even though we are not really sure where the heck we belong!! People are either TOO "Goody Goody" and they get on our nerves (my husband calls them stuffy- we can't be ourselves) OR TOO irresponsible and we can't stand them either!
But every woman, I don't care HOW good she appears, is going to have some FLAWS... whether it is spending too much $$, being a lousy housekeeper/hoader, cooking not her thing, too busy with her career, lives for her kids, wanting to party it up every weekend, too close to her parents/friends, being a chatterbox, a silent treatment thrower, argumentative, being oversensitive , no sex drive, too high of a sex drive , too flirty, too demanding.... something that isn't so pleasant along the way, so what flaws can a man reasonably live with - and still find happiness with such a woman --that is the question.
And every man will have differernt answers ! Some of those are serious deal breakers!
What are yours Southbound?
My husband is Mr Calmness impersonified, his family is also calm cool collected, very stable, rarely raises their voices, talks about safe topics, nothing controversial. Then enter MY
family --SO NOT (both sides even- I got a double whammy in my genes). We'll just jump right into debating Doctor Death to Politics to Religion, we get emotional, intense, but we also LAUGH HARD.
And you know what my oldest son says when the Holidays come around, I find this rather funny as he is much like his dad (very patient loving, calm tempered -wants to be a youth paster) he says Dad's side of the family is boring, and asks does he have to stay. He wants to have my crazy side show up so things get lively.
There is many things my husband would not want to put up with a woman, but I am very thankful he can handle me & my flaws, and one of them is "not being so calm" all the time. I am reasonable, I am reflective, but I still like a good old fashioned argument sometimes, if he couldn't deal with that, he would be the wrong man for me! I can be a little demanding too, when I really want something, I can be down right tenacious. BUt I also work hard with him to make it happen. So we are a team.
And If I fight with him hard & hurt his feelings, I go out of my way to make it up to him, we never go to bed angry. So even with some flaws, they might be "workable".
Oh, I wasn't applying that generalization to women everywhere, that's just generally the way they are around here; there are just few "in between" people here. it may be a cultural thing to our area.
I just realized I misunderstood you. When you said "here" I thought you meant TAM and I took that as an insult.
My heart goes out to you if you truly live in an area like that. Maybe you should move. Where I live there are plenty of single women that meet your criteria. And if you have some decent looks you could get a younger woman in her 30's too. My X BIL recently signed up for a dating site just for fun and he said he got many responses. He's pushing 40, attractive, decent job and the women flocked to him. I've heard this from other single men so I know it's true.
Where I live if you have decent looks you don't stay single for long.
We can hang with them all but we don't really fit in with the "majority" of those in such classes. We ARE "inbetweeners" too.
I am at least thankful me & my husband are on the same page, even though we are not really sure where the heck we belong!! People are either TOO "Goody Goody" and they get on our nerves (my husband calls them stuffy- we can't be ourselves) OR TOO irresponsible and we can't stand them either!
That is very much how I am and how we were. I always felt like we were a little different in one way or another, but I didn't mind being a square peg with a partner. I like who I am still, but realize that it will be difficult finding another square peg among all the round holes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
But every woman, I don't care HOW good she appears, is going to have some FLAWS... whether it is spending too much $$, being a lousy housekeeper/hoader, cooking not her thing, too busy with her career, lives for her kids, wanting to party it up every weekend, too close to her parents/friends, being a chatterbox, a silent treatment thrower, argumentative, being oversensitive , no sex drive, too high of a sex drive , too flirty, too demanding.... something that isn't so pleasant along the way, so what flaws can a man reasonably live with - and still find happiness with such a woman --that is the question.
And every man will have differernt answers ! Some of those are serious deal breakers!
What are yours Southbound? .
The thing is, I felt like I had the perfect fit for me for almost all of the 18 years. Most men, at least jokingly, talk about the "ball and chain" and their wife being the boss, etc. However, my x was as comfortable as wearing my favorite shirt. She wasn't moody, bossy, very logical, laid back, didn't irritate me, and the list goes on. Perhaps that is not normal, so, if I met a normal woman who had these edges and i had to wake up everyday to some issue and having to spend my time off with "honey-do-lists," I'd probably shoot myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnoliagal
I just realized I misunderstood you. When you said "here" I thought you meant TAM and I took that as an insult.
My heart goes out to you if you truly live in an area like that. Maybe you should move. Where I live there are plenty of single women that meet your criteria. And if you have some decent looks you could get a younger woman in her 30's too. My X BIL recently signed up for a dating site just for fun and he said he got many responses. He's pushing 40, attractive, decent job and the women flocked to him. I've heard this from other single men so I know it's true.
Where I live if you have decent looks you don't stay single for long.
I think the area does have something to do with it. Being in a rural area, I'm sure the number of women available isn't as great as in a more populated area. I have no doubt I could find a date, but I don't feel I have much "choice" around here other than the two categories I described.
I just spoke with my cousin and this subject came up about the cultural thing. He said the lady who cuts his hair is from somewhere up north and that she is always commenting about how the women around here are different. Ironically, she described them somewhat like I did, but said she also noticed that women around here don't seem interested in a guy who will treat them right. If a guy is nice and will make a "good catch," it seems like women here aren't interested. She said it was a lot different where she was from.
Ironically, she described them somewhat like I did, but said she also noticed that women around here don't seem interested in a guy who will treat them right. If a guy is nice and will make a "good catch," it seems like women here aren't interested.
I'm sure you read these types of articles before but here is another - I agree with the ending " Women love a nice guy with a little thug in him."
This is not always true, but unfortunetly for many women -it appears to be >>
My x was always a "good girl" and never had any wild relationships before me, but again, she never acted as if she wanted one and always seemed puzzled at girls who did. If that is the case with her, I think it's sad that she feels the need to experience the bad boy at this stage in her life.
Nobody speaks well of this guy she is trying to date. One person told me, "she may be getting just what she deserves, from what i hear, this guy is a piece of work."
Some day she may realize that I wasn't too bad of a guy.
1Likes
Re: Is this low self-esteem? 
. 
). And lazy isn't even a word in my vocabulary. I'm also attractive and hard working. And introverted for an added bonus. Yes I'm married though.
