General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Someone mentioned in another thread that perhaps I need counciling after my divorce to help build back my confidence and self-esteem back in case i want to date again. That could be correct; at this point, I can't brush off any advice. However, I feel like I'm just a realist. I think after 43 years of living, I know who I am as well or better than most people I encounter.
Isn't there a difference between not having confidence and just being a realist. I realize that most women just aren't interested in a calm, laid back guy who doesn't have a strong opinion on politics or sports, guy who would rather sit on the porch at night and listen to the crickets rather than be at an event in town, or a guy who likes to relax on weekends rather than have a full schedule.
For example, if a person knows they are not gifted in singing and, therefore, does not try out for "American Idol," isn't that just being realistic rather than having low self esteem?
I found a clip from "The Andy Griffith Show" that would show how I would feel on a date with most women. Andy is a person who is very confident and happy with himself, but he just "is who he is" and doesn't put on a show. Please start watching at around 4:00 where he is in the restaurant and you'll see me on a date. I'm not saying I act exactly like him, but It's how I would feel my compatibility would be with most women.
I can relate, my W left with the kind parting words (to the effect in my head of): "You'll find some lazy azz girl that enjoys doting on your sorry self, and will be fine going with you nowhere in life, but if not I don't care because I'm going to be the most amazing person in the world and am going to have my own reality TV show and find the perfect guy that gives me everything and is super cool and does everything and honors me by making me his queen"
(ok that is nowhere near what the actual words were, but I could sorta read what she was thinking, I'm actually quite good at it)
I think it is important to be realist, but that also means that realizing an ordinary life is quite extraordinary. Be proud to belong in this world, and though not everyone can be the king we can be kings of whatever we choose to make into our kingdom.
The IC I go to really focusses on the mind-body thing, I was somewhat skeptical but decided it is better than just talking things out, and I really have found a tangible, practical strength using the "Hakomi method" It really takes work to get your self-esteem going in the right direction again, for me I wanted to for so long I just had to let go a little.
Boy, this thread has hit home! I always felt as though I was a realist and an introvert.....and content. My life has been nothing but stress since 2006. As a result, I have found that I have become further withdrawn from society in recent years.
I recently saw a psychologist for in depth testing at the insistence of my therapist. After having 8 hours of testing, I was quiet shocked at the results. The testing revealed that my self-esteem was extremely low and that carried through to many other aspects of every day life. In addition, depression and anxiety were also big factors. My therapist was quite shocked because I presented no outward signs of those problems. Apparently I have been silently carrying the huge burden.
At least now I KNOW what it's going to take to repair "Humpty Dumpty". Unfortunately some of the "stress" damage will be permanent for me. You may want to get a serious evaluation, so that you can be an even better person than you imagined. The lesson I learned from all of this is that sometimes we even lie to ourselves to lessen the pain.
There is a big difference between being happy as a homebody and not having an interest in much. Like 827Aug mentioned, maybe you have low-level depression.
You also say that most women won't like a laid back guy. That is pretty negative thinking. Women like men who are kind and confident and who are comfortable in their own skin. Sometimes the guys who make the most noise are the most insecure of all.
Boy, this thread has hit home! I always felt as though I was a realist and an introvert.....and content. My life has been nothing but stress since 2006. As a result, I have found that I have become further withdrawn from society in recent years.
I recently saw a psychologist for in depth testing at the insistence of my therapist. After having 8 hours of testing, I was quiet shocked at the results. The testing revealed that my self-esteem was extremely low and that carried through to many other aspects of every day life. In addition, depression and anxiety were also big factors. My therapist was quite shocked because I presented no outward signs of those problems. Apparently I have been silently carrying the huge burden.
At least now I KNOW what it's going to take to repair "Humpty Dumpty". Unfortunately some of the "stress" damage will be permanent for me. You may want to get a serious evaluation, so that you can be an even better person than you imagined. The lesson I learned from all of this is that sometimes we even lie to ourselves to lessen the pain.
Hmm, interesting. I never thought of that. I feel i have self esteem, but I could be wrong. I have confidence at my job because I do a good job and get good reports. I have no trouble being in crowds in general. In other words, some people hate walking into a crowded arena or having to get up and walk in front of everybody to go get a hot dog; I'm not like that, I couldn't care less.
I feel a bit awkward around people in social situations sometimes because I don't usually have a lot in common with them. When people start talking about sport or politics, I just have to mumble a bit and sit there.
Hmm, interesting. I never thought of that. I feel i have self esteem, but I could be wrong. I have confidence at my job because I do a good job and get good reports. I have no trouble being in crowds in general. In other words, some people hate walking into a crowded arena or having to get up and walk in front of everybody to go get a hot dog; I'm not like that, I couldn't care less.
I feel a bit awkward around people in social situations sometimes because I don't usually have a lot in common with them. When people start talking about sport or politics, I just have to mumble a bit and sit there.
Same here. I have even shown horses at the national level and had to go out alone before three judges. I think we all have areas we are extremely confident in, but can still suffer from a low self-esteem. That was puzzling my therapist as well.
Anyway, after a two hour consultation with the psychologist (& therapist) my eyes were opened. The statement which you made in your initial post may be an indication. "I realize that most women just aren't interested.....". I was guilty of making statements similar to that too. Without realizing it, it shows insecurity and a need to justify current behavior. It's going to be a tough habit for me to kick!
If I remember correctly you were also a victim of a cheating spouse who decided the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Those of us who go through this can end up with a lot of phycological baggage. I now see that. Deep down it is a blow to one's self-esteem because we feel second best many times. Seeing a therapist has been a blessing for me. You may want to give that a try.
There are many women who would love a laid-back guy.... it's not a negative thing. So, just change up your thinking a bit and see your character traits as a strong point! Look at the positives!
Dunno all these speeches I see people practicing in their mind for that Great Last Moment. (shakes fist at offending party and screams "You'll be sorry! You'll ALL be sorry!!!!") What LON said made me think of that - "...with the parting words..."
ah yes, it is quite funny how they paint reality when they decide to smash their spouse's soul. Anyways, she can have fun with that, I'm in this for the long haul and when I'm retired in my mansion, in my silk housecoat with young pretty playmates splashing in one of my many pools I will have the last laugh.
Southbound I think you should consider some counseling (if you can find a good one that is). My reasons are 1) everyone could use some 2) you don't yet know your worth and 3) you are still trying to blame yourself for your divorce.
Southbound
To answer your question, No I don't see a self esteem issue.
If you like yourself, and are comfortable being you then don't change. Find a woman you are compatible with.
I love Andy, wish more men were like him. Honest, you get what you see. He isn't trying to be something he's not. He's true to his beliefs.
Southbound I think you should consider some counseling (if you can find a good one that is). My reasons are 1) everyone could use some 2) you don't yet know your worth and 3) you are still trying to blame yourself for your divorce.
That probably wouldn't be a bad idea.
As for the blame, I see it similar to this:
I bought some kind of ever-blooming petunia one year because I saw they looked nice on everyone else's porch. I hung it up, watered it regularly, and it looked like crap all year. After the season, someone informed me that the old blooms are supposed to be pinched off to keep it looking good all year, which i didn't do. I just treated it like all the other flowers we had that looked great.
It's not like I hung the plant and never watered it or beat it with a stick every day, but if i had just had enough sense to ask someone or research the flower and perform that one simple act, it would have flourished. It was an "Ah Ha" moment that seemed simple, and it made me feel silly because apparently everyone else knew, they had beautiful flowers. I guess i just assumed that mine wasn't doing well and it was just one of those things I suppose.
So, am i to blame for the flower? Well, I didn't do anything bad intentionally, but the flower had needs and I didn't meet them.
It was an "Ah Ha" moment that seemed simple, and it made me feel silly because apparently everyone else knew, they had beautiful flowers.
I'm sure some of your neighbors have had flowers that looked like crap at some point too, until someone told them what to do, just like they told you after it was too late. If you planted these flowers again, you'd be more equipped. Your porch will then have petunias that bloom all year. You'll be sitting on your porch admiring them, listening to the crickets and out of the corner of your eye, you'll notice the new neighbor across the street scratching his head and looking at his crappy-looking petunias.
This is why all of this stuff is a learning process. You're not expected to just know it. You now know more about petunias than you did the year before. Maybe you'll decide to grow different flowers on the porch. Maybe they'll thrive and maybe they won't - but again you'll learn something.
1Likes
Is this low self-esteem? 
