First Post - Need help, *long Post* **Update**
I don’t know if I can do it anymore
I have been married for 2.5 years, my wife (we will call her K) and I are at an impasse.
While we were dating, I was on cloud nine, things were awesome. I thought this was finally the woman that I was meant to find. We had some things in common, but not a lot, however the things we didn’t have in common she was interested in. K, while we were dating was in nursing school and basically 3 or 4 nights we were together; watching TV, going out with friends, going to movies, making dinner, and working on her homework. Things were great. I noticed that K was; smart, had morals, loved spending time with me, and was basically down for anything. So within a year of meeting her, I popped the question. I do remember her saying, “yes” but, looking back on it, the yes wasn’t very confident. After that we planned the wedding, went to the marriage classes at her family’s church. I converted from Catholic to Lutheran, while the differences between the two to me were minimal; I still did it for her. It was something she wanted. However something I always wanted seemed not to be transpiring. I always wanted my wife to have a good relationship with my family, I have three younger sisters, and both parents are still married to each other. Now hindsight is always 20/20 and love is blind, but while we were dating K NEVER wanted to go over to my parent’s house, unless it was to use their boat. At the time I associated it with K just wanted to spend what little time she had free with me. I mean within the year of dating we may have went over there 5-6 times to hang out with my family. My family, especially my mom was delighted that a new person was coming into their family. They were asking all the time, when the next time she was going to come over. I felt my wife did not have the same feelings. Seeing this I tried to get some of the wedding planning together, K said that was a good idea.
Now the Christmas right before our wedding (we were to be married in March) is where things started to unravel. Her family always does Christmas on Christmas Eve, and I was fine with that. So was my family, my family always celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve, but K and my sister’s husband did eve. So my family changed ours to Christmas. So Christmas was going to be really busy, we had my family and both of our extended families to see that day. So my family was alright if we came over around 10:00 to exchange gifts do a breakfast. That gave my family plenty of time to go to church that morning. K met me at my house early that morning to head over to my parent’s house. However because I wanted to get there on time because that is just who I am, plus I wanted to spend time with my family and grandparents (who were in town from Texas), K got stressed. This caught me by surprise, I didn’t know what was going on. K drove to my parents, but was driving 10mph below the speed limit; this was strange because she always drove 10-15 over. I asked her “what is up?” She responded that she was angry she was up before the rest of her family and going to my family’s house. That kind of made me mad, but I didn’t let it ruin my day. We got to my family’s house 15 min late, because K also made an unscheduled stop on an exit ramp to vent and smoke a cigarette (this was the FIRST time I had ever seen this action, and we met on an online dating site, she said she was a non-smoker, and I said I was looking for a non-smoker)
While there K was back to her normal self, about an hour after being there my mother asked K if it was alright for her to join in picking out the flowers (now, my mom was just trying to get a relationship with my future in-laws, they had only met once before going out to eat, my parents have a great relationship with the two of my other sisters husbands family, and that was started by doing stuff together planning the wedding ) K agreed that she would let her know when that was to take place. When it was time to go visit K’s extended family K couldn’t get out of the house faster.
I would say 2-3 weeks passed, I get a call from my dad. I guess K called my mom, asking if she wanted a pin on or an arm flower. I guess my mom freaked out, and said some things that shouldn’t, have been said. Thinking that due to the prior arrangement she would have been invited. I don’t know what was said but I guess that soiled any hope that things between K and my family would be at least cordial. Because that is the first thing my wife has held onto all this time. Because another 2-3 weeks later my future sister in law threw a shower for K, and all I heard from my wife is that my mom acted like a complete witch, however this was not what my sisters said (my mother is not a social butterfly, and my sisters would have said something if she was acting the way K said she was, and all three of them said she was acting normal) However 2 weeks later my sister threw a shower for K. Now I was at this one for about 1/3 of the time (arrival and gifts) Now I asked K to arrive 15 min early to meet my childhood friend’s parents, they couldn’t stay for any of the shower but personally wanted to meet K. Well K for some reason would not come early, in fact her and her family showed up 15 min late. I answered the door when they arrived, only her 2 sisters said hello to me, even though I said hello to them. I introduced K to my friend’s parents and they had to leave, they had plans that were unable to be changed for their grandchild, so I completely understood.
Now I didn’t stay long but I already knew that my future mother in-law had a vendetta to prove, because of her demeanor and what I saw later. I left for an hour while they did the girl things at the shower, I came back for gifts now I sat right next to K just to see what we got (my aunt and grandma wanted me there) Well I couldn’t help but notice my mother in law was pouting and not making eye contact with anyone (I was told she acted that way the entire time) But for a brief moment we made eye contact, my future mother-in law and I, and she made an emphatic smile. Well the shower was over K agreed to stay after her family left, if I were to drive her home. So we stayed at my parents house for nearly 30 min. The entire ride home, all K did was complain how my mom acted, now I was there for this one, and my mom was very friendly, now I understand that I was gone for an hour, but again I asked my sisters and aunt (my aunt has tole me she had very similar marriage problems in her first marriage) all four said she was fine. I then asked my grandma a few weeks later, now my grandma tells it how it is, I asked in her opinion if my mom acted wrong in any way at the shower at my parent’s house, she said ,”no” but did repeat what I saw my mother in-law do. Also later that day when I dropped K off at her parents’ house, the mother –in law pulled me aside and apologized to me on the way she acted( I feel she only did this because I saw her) To this day K says her mom acted ok, however has said a few times that she (so which is it?), “acted that way because no one greeted her at the door.” But I did and even asked if I could grab what she was carrying.
About 6 weeks pass, we get married everything goes well, but my mom didn’t hug K at the end of the night or speak to her at our wedding, or that is what K says, there are photos of K getting a hug from my mom at the church, while in the "Congrats line". Every little thing my mom did that night has been under scrutiny to this day, if a photo of her doesn’t have the flowers on her wrist is seen, it is pointed out. However there are other photos that have her having them on.
Our honeymoon was not the greatest, we spent a whole week in the smoky mountains, alone…. No cell phone service, no internet, no tv, However at least 3 days of those day we fought. Because K felt she was wrongfully treated at our wedding. I tried understanding, but it was just us. This was supposed to be a time for us just to worry about us, and we did have some good times. But they were always interrupted by, what seemed of hatred towards my mom and family. Another thing I remember thinking was very odd, someone cut us off on the highway nearly 5 hours before we got home, K refused to talk to me. That was the first time I saw her real anger.
Now my sister in law and mother in law both wrote me notes, the both started out basically the same, “I know K is sometimes difficult.” I don’t know anyone who would describe me as difficult. But I never knew what difficult was until then. Within the first couple weeks of being back from our honeymoon, things went from bad to worse. It got so bad that my in laws had to take K out for her just to calm down. She was steaming about the littlest of things, like my shoes not being lined up perfectly by the door, or leaving the pillows on the couch crooked. I finally learned what a nagging wife was all about. The hatred towards my mom and this nagging got so bad we sought help from our first counselor. Her name was Rene, now we saw here together about a dozen times, but she eventually split us up. During this time K demanded I don’t see my family, so I obliged, to keep help keep the peace, I feel it did nothing. I remember the first day I didn’t go over there was Memorial day, I was totally lost because while I knew my wife was mad at my mom, but not the rest of my family, and this would have been only the second time we would have seen my family since our marriage, all the other times I went by myself. So from Memorial Day, to sometime in early October I did not see my family but a few times, once was my surprise 30th birthday (my mom was out of town, to tend to my sister moving out of state) and my actual birthday that I celebrated with my mom. The only other times I had contact with my family going water skiing early in the morning on Saturdays, for about an hour, with my father (Something I have done for over a decade, but was limited to about 5 times that summer).
With our counselor not much was accomplished we must have seen Rene 10 times together. All we did was sit there and listen to K complain about my mom, and what I am doing bad. Whenever I spoke my mind, K was quickly to stop me mid sentence. The counselor split us up, then she learned that I hadn’t really seen my family much more than a handful of times in a few months, but during that same time, K’s family was over weekly and we saw them 1-2 more times over at their house (a very similar schedule as my sister-in-law and her husband have, I feel is too much). Rene told me that it was too much as well, but when I started saying that I didn’t want to spend that much time over there, and maybe do other things, fights would erupt. Here is the thing; K is a nurse works 3 days a week, so 3 days she was gone, 2-3 were spent with her family, leaving 1-2 for just us. We must have seen Rene separate maybe 5 times K and 3 times me, between our schedules and seeing her church’s pastor it was hard to meet weekly. Plus things had calmed down. Until the holidays rolled around
I remember about a week before Thanksgiving, I get a call from my father in law, saying K wants to get a divorce unless I saw the counselor, So I called and set up an appointment, actually she had an opening that day. I told Rene what was going on, and she told me that K had seen Rene that week too. Telling her all the things that I am doing wrong and not getting any self help. Rene told me that K has what is known as Borderline Personality Disorder, and gave me a title of a book to read, it was how to deal with a person with this disorder. Just getting a tablet I downloaded it, and read it in my spare time. It helped a lot. K also got a few books to read and continued to see Rene, I saw her maybe 2 times more after that. I guess I should have kept going, but Rene didn’t feel like I needed too, and I felt progress was going on
We got through Thanksgiving and Christmas without much incident, but sometime in early spring we purchased a home, things were decent, not many fights, it seemed like things were finally turning around. However that was not the case. Sometime around April, things got bad again, so I read the book that Rene told me to read again. K caught me one day, I remember thinking that split second should I tell her what I am reading and why? I decided too, which was a mistake; she went into one of the worst tirades I have ever seen. She left the house for 2 days and came back with a vengeance, she wanted blood. She came home on a Sunday and texting all her “friends” to tell me that she was not borderline, than the next day, she asked If I believed she had it, I told her that she has a lot of the characteristics one someone that does have it. I wish I wouldn’t, K immediately called Rene to chew her out telling her that she is not borderline and what we talked about, Rene hid behind patient-dr confidentiality. So that was the last time we called Rene. K went on a “girls weekend” with her sisters and mother, that week. It was a great time for me to catch up on sleep and get my mind right. When K got back she made sure to tell me the entire weekend her sister and her made fun of the disorder.
One good thing came from that Rene was now public enemy #1, and during this time, my family and K started to get a relationship. Home life still was terrible, the nagging, negativity, cut downs and, anger still continued, but was much less directed at me and my family. Also we got a dog, which helped K stay happy for a bit, and then we planned a vacation to Europe that also kept K happy for a bit. We went on our vacation on September and we were right back to square one. K would not speak with me for a half the time on our vacation while driving and before going to bed. It was just us, and one night I asked “what is wrong?” she said “your family doesn’t like me” and “you don’t like to be around me”. Now I thought back and was thinking what is she talking about? The relationship with my family was getting better and I planned this vacation to just be the two of us. I remember at least 3 nights she didn’t talk to me. It was time for my family to be public enemy number 1 again.
Also during this time I was realizing we were never going to be able to do all those cute simple things that most married couples have fun with, when we got our dog I got her a mothers day card, she mocked that saying she wasn’t a mother (it was all good fun from my end) I got her flowers monthly or 2x a month, but it still wasn’t enough, my mother in law purchased her a vase for no apparent reason for a gift, and when she gave it to K, my mother in law said, “now you can put all your pretty flower s you get K in here.” K’s response was, he doesn’t do it anymore anyways, when less than a week prior to that we threw a dyeing bouquet away.
I didn’t know what to do, so when we got back we started looking for a counselor once again. With the same Christian group, this time we met Jim. He started asking , “what is going on between the two of you? K just went on about trivial things at best, again not being 100% perfect. However, this time within the first 3 times meeting Jim he split us up, for the same reason I couldn’t speak my mind, and like every 5th time we would go together. We have been seeing Jim 50+ times for about a year. We have had our good times and our bad times, 75% bad times I would say. The time I started to care less about K was our 2nd honeymoon. We went for a one day drive to a nearby major city for 3 days. 2 of those K didn’t speak to me, and what set it off was I started talking about march madness (something I enjoy paying attention too) K didn’t talk to me but very minimally for 2 days because I talked about something I was interested in? really? I listen to the things she is interested in and have tried to learn something to make the conversation go longer. This has actually been a pattern I have noticed since we have been married. She cuts down the things I enjoy; my hobbies and interests are always a waste of money and stupid. However her brother has a lot of the similar hobbies and interest and they have always been interesting to her, when he talks about them. I have also been changing what I talk about to keep her from blowing up. Every time I come home I am sitting on egg shells watching every word. It is stressful. We are also back to me not going to see my family unless I want a fight. This started in March and progressively got worse, but in late July we have come to a cliff. My 32nd birthday, my wife had to control the situation and make sure we all went out as a family. Asking my parents, and my grandmother, we chose a spot, and a time.
We arrived 30 min early because it was a Saturday and I didn’t want my grandma to stand and wait for a table. Luckily when we arrived a good friend and his girlfriend were there, we asked them to sit us (a blessing from God they were there) Well us four were talking and having fun, but 5 min before my family was to arrive, K got very anxious and stopped talking. My dad was the first to get to the table, he said hi to everyone individually and everyone was pleasant except for K, she said nothing, not a word, maybe a nod? I don’t know… My grandma was right behind my dad, she said hi to K and I, because she didn’t know the other two (later was introduced and said hi) however K said nothing. Then came my mom, before she could say hello, my friend who sat with us got up and gave my mom a hug, and I could notice my mom was in a good mood. Then I noticed my friend went over and talked to my grandma taking over the entire table (that is usually what he does, he is the life of a situation) While this was going on, my mom sat down. Now I guess she could have said hi to K, but she also didn’t say hi to me, so I don’t think it was on purpose. We she sat down and asked, how WE were doing, I answered for both of us, because I could notice something was up. Everyone but K was talking to each other. K was silent and frowning, even my friend says this (so I wasnt projecting something). We order food, then K goes outside for 20 min. At this point everyone knows who has been around K for any amount of time, the evening for her is ruined and she will do her best to ruin it for all. She did come back, but it was too late.
You could tell how the night would end. I didn’t expect my wife to want to go over to my parents house and tell my mom off, I was able to talk her out of this, but K started a text war. I wish my mom wouldn’t have ever responded but she did. I called my dad in front of K to tell my mom to stop replying to K’s texts, and that we are married and she shouldn’t say negative things to K. Then I told K she shouldn’t have started this, but she said, “she wanted to let my mother know how she was treating her.” This point I didnt care anymore, I just wanted to roll up in a ball and be burried. That next morning we had a deep heart to heart, I had asked “will you ever be happy being around me”, and “if I could ever be the man she needs.” We then talked about a divorce and maybe this is not working out, and saying we may try a new counselor. That was nearly 2 months ago, and between then and now, there have maybe been 2 or 3 days that are good, but they never last the whole day. K wants to start criticizing me, canceling plans we had together to see her family, or just being mad.
That same weekend was my real birthday and K turned that into a bad day, I told her I wanted to do eat brats and mac and cheese, go see a movie. Simple request, because she asked I told her that is what I wanted to do, well I also had a meeting with Jim scheduled, he had an emergency so pushed me to the next day, I had no problem with that, just meant I would get home sooner. I got home and waited around for an hour, K came home, and saw that I was home early, I asked why this was a problem, her respsone was, “I wanted to do something special for my ****ing husband!” she got home 10 min before I would have gotten home, if Jim’s would have been short I would have been there the same time. Well instead of starting cooking, she sat around drinking wine, going outside smoking, and we didn’t start cooking until I just went in there and started to cook, however by that time it was too late to see a movie, and that night was ruined. I asked If I could have one thing today would you be happy. Her response was, “You will have to get a lawyer and divorce me!” she said this on my birthday…. Again a few weeks later regarding when I asked her why she was mad all the time.
Sometime around this time K also stopped seeing Jim, for no reason, said she wanted a different counselor. Jim had informed me it is possible that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. This is after I came to him for the first time telling him what K did to me, every other time it was, “what am I doing wrong.” I told him I am afraid to be around K, because I never know when she is going to snap, I never talk to her about certain topics, I feel I never can do anything right for her, I fell numb right now and dead inside, that she humiliates me in front of friends and family, as mentioned before the criticizing, I no longer ask friends around because of this, (a few say they don’t want to see it), she could care less about anything I accomplish (weight loss work promotion), she always blames me for why she is mad, destroys my belongings, her temper is unpredictable, he knows she trys to keep me away from my family, anytime I spend money it is a waste (everything she spends on is ok, even if I am spending my free Amazon gift cards from taking online surveys) she is always checking up on me. If I am 30 min late I fell as though she is treating me that I am cheating on her. This week Jim also told me I should see a lawyer for a consultation, to either end it or prepare for an end, he had me ask a few friends in to talk with them. Things came out, my friends agreed with him, that I am in an abusive relationship. Once this has been pointed out, I also agree. Prior to this I was thinking it was something I was doing wrong.
This was my ah-ha moment Wednesday night K didn’t say much at all. Now given she cleaned the house and made dinner, both I thanked her for and said the meal was good. I even tried to play cards with her, she was not in the mood. So we sat and watched TV. The next day I come home as I always do, but K was not there, I waited an hour, and texted her, “you out doing something?” I got a response, “yes I am with my family, didn’t want to drive home in traffic, you?” I responded “Im home” . Now I get home about 5:30 so I didn’t text until 6:30 and she didn’t come home until 8. I had cleaned up a little and made a pizza, but when she came home she was in her mood. She came in and put her stuff up, grabbed a glass of wine (something that is done more often then not.) I asked, “what is up?” she said “nothing”, well then I asked, “why does it seem you are mad?” that was the wrong question. She went on the offensive, saying there was no traffic, she just didn’t want to be home, and that she is completely miserable being around me and I was not going to ruin the weekend for her (she was in a wedding party and we both planned on going, I said then I wouldn’t go to not ruin it for her), and that she was not seeing the new counselor (we had an appointment the next day, however she still went). I mentioned we may want to look into getting a divorce, again something I said that was wrong, because that is when things got ugly, nobody got hit (I would never lay a hand on her negatively) but I ended up leaving, she actually was telling me to take more things.
I stayed at my friends house that night and took off work the next day. On that next day K went through my email, I guess I left it up on my computer in the basement, and forwarded some emails to her mom. Starting Saturday through today I have stayed with my parents, however they are gone on vacation. I have been someone keeping busy, and I do have the dog, because she was gone all weekend with wedding plans. I am lost, I no longer know what to do, I feel the situation has run its course. I have no hope, I am not eating much, and sleep is something I cannot get.
I need help, I am not a mean person, so it is very hard to do so, I also remember the good times and may hold on to those too much, luckly we dont have kids
Last edited by MrW; 10-12-2016 at 09:49 AM.