General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
This is rather lengthy as it's 24 years in a post. Well just a week shy completing 24 yrs married and a week prior to vacation, husband left. It all started with him being upset that son forgot to input info into the computer and ended 3hrs later with him leaving. Funny thing is that he blamed everything and everyone, including kids, didn't like the area we live in, dogs, etc... etc... nahhhh naahhh naaagggg! Therefore, I made it clear to him that all communication would cease (this was to protect myself from allowing him to return) and asked him for the key. The good thing was that kids were all present during the 3hrs ordeal (he wanted all of them to hear him out) and at this point, I had nothing to loose, so I spoke honestly from my heart. It was heartbreaking for me (as well as kids) because he finally admitted he wanted out. He told the kids he loved me, but really couldn't give any clear explanation as to what made him unhappy. He later told me he will regret this decision in the future. I don't honestly think he is interested in anyone else, but I do think he is wanting to play the field and is afraid to leave because he may not find anything better. Either way, its all the same to me. He had a three year affair 10yrs ago which didn't work out too well. Because of this affair and the fact that he wants to leave to "party up," (I could forgive once, but that's it), I feel strong in my convection that it's over and I done with the marriage. He has threatened to leave for about a year now, and I have done all I could do to make him happy, so if he wants to leave, then be it. I'm at peace that this decision has finally been made. I told him if he leaves, there is no turning back.
Well here is part two: no sooner than two days later, he sends me a text, calling me by a nickname I hadn't heard in 15yrs (playful name that was made up when we dated) saying he doesn't want to be single, he wants to grow old with me, and he wants to make me #1 (promises he has made too many times). I ignored it and later that night he sends me another text to see if i had received the first one, and for me to think about it. Well, I didn't answer this one either because I don't wish to continue beating a dead horse. Our house environment feels lighter and happier.
My oldest who graduated with a psychology major and has great insight, said that husband needs intense anger management therapy and his issues are deep rooted (steaming from abusive and controlling father) and that his narcissist ways can be very difficult to modify, even with therapy, but more so because he doesn't believe in therapy. My daughter is angry with him so I will have her see a therapist to work her feelings out. My other son told me, "Mom, its about time. We all know that this is the best thing and dad is just angry at the world." I truly hope this man can find peace and happiness in life. I truly want this for him, because I am hoping if he is happy, then he can have a good relationship with the kids. We tried marriage counseling but he quit. So without any intervention, our marriage had only three possible outcomes; stay in an unhappy marriage, somehow fix it on our own, or separation. Well for most part, fixing on your own is virtually impossible, especially if you do not wish to use resources such as self-help books or internet. So ultimately, the latter took place.
So for now I'm entering a new chapter in my life. I'm sad my marriage didn't work, but I have three wonderful kids. I am surprised at the relief I feel. All this time I have been living hoping things would change, but this hoping was weighing me. I was in limbo, waiting for things to get better or ???? don't know what. Well the what was the separation the end of my marriage... and this separation feels many times better than trying to fix things on my own; waiting and hoping for that loving marriage that never was, and never will be with this man.
Mayatatia,
I think when your kids are telling you that they feel much better now that your husband is gone, now THAT's a big sign you did the right thing.
I don't care who is leaving and who stays, but if kids suffer, you have to take a decision. Sigh I only wish my mother took that decision 30 years ago...
Anyways, good luck!
My narcissist wife has decided to leave and I am undecided about whether or not I want her back. Don't fool yourself into thinking that he's all bad and that the good of his leaving will overwhelmingly overpower the bad of his staying. It's never that easy but I guess if your kids are grown and out of the house you have less to lose.
@BleepingFamily... very true! It's only been four days, but I'm at peace with the decision. Thank you!
@Ten_Year_Hubby... I understand your words and how you feel. He is good at times, but throughout the years, its less and less. I feel its a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive to either my kids or myself, and yet he has refused to do anything to find help. I can't fix him nor make him happy and as time has gone by, the marriage has become non existent. I can deal with a non-loving marriage, as I have for many years, but his disposition and anger is another story. Even when he speaks to a salesperson, he is rude and aggressive towards them. He has been out of the house before (up to a year once) but I have always felt sorry for him and allowed him to return thinking he had changed. This time I realize that he won't change and if he does change, things will revert to the same if he comes back. I honestly feel that the only way he may find happiness is being away from us and if he doesn't find happiness, it really is not my problem. It may sound mean that I say it's not my problem, but I truly am exhausted of trying to work things out and make him happy. The kids also try their best to not upset him, but he will find a reason to be angry. My oldest child just graduated in psychology from UCLA and is ready to publish a second research paper, the middle child has a 4.0 at a JC, and the youngest just finished her first year as a bio major at UC Irvine, but yet he is not happy with them because of their choice of study. He is angry because none of my children are pursuing medicine, law or other prestigious careers and has made it obvious to them. Another example of why he is angry is because he does not approve of oldest son's choice of girlfriend. He admits she is sweet (and also a UCLA student), but because she is about 30lbs overweight, he wants son to stop dating her. As far as my daughter, he doesn't like her boyfriend either because he is not good looking. And he is very upset with our middle child because he is pursuing a culinary career. He especially keeps harassing him. He also doesn't want kid's friends around, which are all good college kids. He gets angry if I watch programs like So You Think You Can Dance, Whale Wars, Fraiser, I Love Lucy, etc., but it is ok for him to watch American Funniest Videos, Ultimate Fighter, or Two and a Half Men. These are some of the major reasons he is permanently angry and added to that are many, many other smaller reasons, such as when he is hungry while we are out, and the food he ordered didn't satisfy him, he becomes frustrated because he wasn't satisfied. This will then change his mood and he becomes angry, picking a fight about anything with me to relieve his frustration and once he sees that he has angered me or made me cry, he's happy again. So after 24 years of this behavior and seeing it get progressively worse, when he finally told the family it was best for him to leave, I agreed. This is the first time that when he left, I was not sad or angry, but relieved. Relieved that it is finally over, realizing that even if he does change, coming back is not an option.
The Other Shoe Finally Dropped 
