My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-31-2011, 04:34 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

I know many couples experienced the same problem. Please help!
I am 32 and he is 31. We have been together for a year. I know it is not a very long time but in the past year, we see each other at least 3 times every week and we spent all the weekends together. We share similar interests and we both want to settle down and have kids. I really see the future with him. We love each other so much. He says it many many times a day. We are really happy with each other. There is no big fight or things like that happened.

I finally brought up the discussion about marriage for the first time a couple of month ago. I asked him about the goals of our relationship. He said getting married and having kids is no questions at all.

Then a month later, I discussed again. I did not pressure him or anything. I just wanted to figure out what he really thinks. He said he is scared of marriage, which I understand because many people have that phobia. His parents divorced when he was 7. His mom remarried and divorced again when he was 9. He said marriage is a lot of commitment and responsibility and only wants to get married once and is afraid of divorce. He dated one of his exes for 7 years.

I really discussed with him and asked him two questions:
1) will you be over the phobia one day? and which part of marriage do you really afraid of? when are you going to get out of the phobia?
2) You have the phobia because you do not see the future with me? What can I do for you to get out of the phobia?
His answers are silence. He does not have answers to the questions.
Then I said
1) "maybe you will not feel the phobia if you meet the right girl" 2)"maybe you should start to date someone when you do not have the phobia. I want marriage and commitment, it is unfair for me to keep the relationship if we do not have the same goals"

He did not know the answer for question 1, because he does not believe there is a soulmate. (I do not believe either). He said he thought dating with help him get over the phobia. But apparently, after we like living together for a year, and we respect each other, there is not big fight or anything like that in the past year, he still has the fear.
Yes, of course, everybody has the fear, I also do but I want to work together to get rid of it.

I need advice and help here:
How do I start to help him get rid of the phobia? We discussed it twice but I am afraid of keep bring it up again and again without real progress. That will make it seems that I am pressure him. But it seems that he is willing to discuss it. Everytime we discussed it, he is not reluctant or emotional or like that. He is just silent and knows no answers to the issues.

Or I should consider walking away? I have date a few guys and it is always the my exes and I stuck in the marriage commitment issues and it ended there. Why am I always attracted to the same type of guy? Or is he just not that into me.

Please help!
drifting2011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-31-2011, 05:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
RandomDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 8,119
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

I've never wanted to get married either, even though the missus was the best woman I've ever met and the fact that we already had a very close relationship to begin with. She's tried for years to push for commitment and it just ended up with arguments. Funny thing was that I was already committed to her, just didn't want no contract.

The only reason I ended up married was because she rang the baby bells and made me go Which a part of me still does suspect that she engineered it to push for commitment - but it's a long shot. Nonetheless everything seemed rather 'calculated' during that time.

Meh, it worked though. Darn it. Only way to conquer such a phobia is to have no choice but to take a leap of faith. I made a promise once that if I had a child he/she will never go through abandonment like me, and that was my weakness, which was perhaps naturally or calculatively exploited.

I got whipped
RandomDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2011, 05:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 29
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

You can't force someone to marry you...especially when you've only been dating for a year. Seriously...best advice I can give you? Chill out.

For some reason people seem to think that a year is the magic number. I've known people who have dated for as little as 6 months and as long as 5 years without ever even talking about marriage. If he's not comfortable with it it doesn't necessarily mean that he's never going to be...it means he hasn't had enough time to be. So stop talking about it with him for at least another year and then see whats up.
alg1208 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2011, 05:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

thanks for your quick response. The problem is that I do not have another year to wait. I am in the process of looking for new jobs and it is impossible for me to get a job in my area in my city or if I get one job, I stuck here. I have to relocate in the next few months. I have to move to other cities. He will be relocate to some other city in the next two years too. But he does not know where he wants to go. I am OK with moving with him if we are more committed. But if we are just bf and gf, I do not think I can handle long distance. My bf and I both experienced unsuccessful long-distance relationships before.
drifting2011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2011, 05:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 353
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting2011 View Post
I need advice and help here:
How do I start to help him get rid of the phobia?
Depends on how deep his fear of marriage runs. He may need to see a counselor.

I know a great guy who is 50 yrs old. Although he has had opportunities to marry, he never has and probably never will.

He did become a father though. That situation may have been engineered for the push to commitment just like RandomDude stated. However, my friendís phobia of marriage runs to deep and he still did not marry.

He is in counseling now, but at 50 yrs old, not sure how much it will help him.
__________________
Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.
TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2011, 07:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 798
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

You can't help him get over his fear of commitment. He has to be the one to deal with it.

If you find you are ALWAYS attracted to emotionally unavailable men, eitehr you are expecting commitment too quickly or you have some commitment issues yourself (it is common for someone with passive commitment issues - you - to pair off with someone with active commitment issues - him.)

So the only thing you can do is get therapy yourself to figure out what is going on with YOU. After a year of serious dating, you should both be heading in the same direction.
Laurae1967 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-31-2011, 08:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 28
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

You can't deal with his isues especially this quickly. THe real question is, "How soon to you want to get married?" If your agenda is to find a husband soon, cut your losses now and look for a man who is looking for a wife.
Dayhiker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2011, 04:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

Thanks for everyone's response. I feel very disappointed with guys. Most of my friends dated and got engaged in the first year of their relationship. As a girl, I really do not want to bring up issues of marriage. I do not like that feeling. But I dated guys and waited years without talking about marriage, nothing happened.

I guess I just have bad luck with guys. How to find out if a guy is marry-minded and ready to settle down before dating? Any tips?
drifting2011 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-01-2011, 04:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
that_girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wherever I lay my head.
Posts: 10,285
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

Stop comparing to other relationships.

I have learned to stop trying to control everything as well. Take care of you and things will fall into place.

Get a job out of town. Oh well. You will see if it's true love or not.
that_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-03-2011, 04:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 38
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

if you cant handle a long distance relationship while dating (bf and gf) you wont handle it being married. The only thing that really changes when your married is that your legally together etc. The relationship doesnt really change.

If he is just purely scared of getting married, that doesnt meant he doesnt want to. Peharps he lacks knowledge of what happens legally in a marriage.

My advice would be for both of you to read about marriages, find out what happens legally. Gain some knowledge. If you both still want to get married after that point, he will need to take that "risk". I say risk because there is nothing certain in life. Everyday he drives a car, it is a risk. Marriage could possibly end in a divorce yes. But if you 2 truly love each other, you will do anything possible to make sure that doesn't happen in your marriage. You will work through it. Just like taking precautions, wearing your seatbelt and driving safely to decrease the "risk"
saveamarriage101 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-03-2011, 04:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19,177
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting2011 View Post
I need advice and help here:
How do I start to help him get rid of the phobia?
You don't.

It's his issue and his opinion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting2011 View Post
We discussed it twice but I am afraid of keep bring it up again and again without real progress. That will make it seems that I am pressure him. But it seems that he is willing to discuss it. Everytime we discussed it, he is not reluctant or emotional or like that. He is just silent and knows no answers to the issues.
1. "Real progress?" To me that translates to you wanting him to tell you something he does not believe in (marriage namely or not having a marriage "phobia") which means that you don't respect his answers because you want him to tell you something that isn't "him" in order to assuage your bad feelings about him not being into marriage.
2. "He knows no answers to the issues"--again... this to me says you hear clearly waht he does tell you when he talks about his phobia....you just wish he had a different answer.

Either accept him as he is or leave the relationship. You cannot make anyone get over any fear/want to do anything/or have your own feelings/decisions be their own.

To me it sounds like he's just not telling you want you want to hear.

It sounds like you really want to get married and he ... doesn't want to.


Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting2011 View Post
I have date a few guys and it is always the my exes and I stuck in the marriage commitment issues and it ended there. Why am I always attracted to the same type of guy? Or is he just not that into me.Please help!
If you have a pattern of seeking out relationships with men who don't have your same life goals/wants/needs/desires, then you may want to figure out what attracts you to people who ultimately don't want the same things you do. It sounds like self-sabotage.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-03-2011, 06:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: los angeles
Posts: 108
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

hi, sorry your going through this...first, before I forget, I just wanted to say, do not diminish the length of time youve been with him- you said you know a year is not that long-- its not a lifetime, but honestly, a year is a significant amount of time-- dont diminish the value of that...I dont say this to discourage you, but rather to help encourage you to not doubt what you may already know inside-- a year IS a long time- its not a lifetime, but that doesnt take away from what it is. Plenty of people get engaged and/or married in less time than that. I guess I felt the need to emphasize that because I sensed that maybe you are doubting or second guessing what your gut is telling you

someone above pointed out something pretty smart that I agree with totally- in reference to saveamarriage's post above, there are alot of risks in life. Your boyfriend says he is afraid of marriage. If he viewed all of life that way, he would never step foot in a car, for fear of an accident. He would never work, for fear of being fired, he wouldnt venture to go to school bc he might fail classes, etc etc. I think there are probably a few people out there that for some reason do have a real fear of marriage, but I think that most men who claim that fear are not really afraid so much as they are wanting to keep their life as is-- they dont want responsibility, they want to in some ways still do their own thing. I dont buy the line about being afraid-- how is it that your boyfriend is not afraid to do everything else in life? .if it genuinely IS a real fear, then they can work through that in counseling- not just keep drifting along, waving the "im afraid" flag in order to not have to take responsibility
Ladybugs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-03-2011, 06:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,573
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

At 32 time is not on your side. If he doesn't want to marry you by now it's time to cut him loose and find someone that does.
magnoliagal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2011, 11:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: los angeles
Posts: 108
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

Drifting

you need to find out if is he man A or man B...ask him if he wants to marry you what he is goign to do to get over his fear of marriage, so you two can get married?

if he is man A, he will set a course and be determined to marry you..i.e. he will ask you to go to counseling with him for 6 months and then get married (or something like that)

if he is man B, he wont make any type of plan with you to get over it and get married-- he might say counseling is too expensive, or he is too busy...he might even go to counseling a few times but if the counselor tries to pin him down on a marriage time frame, he will be vague and make excuses...

find out what man he is - A or B. You will know if he really wants to marry you or if he just wants to drift along

one more note-- you said when you try to ask him about it, his answers are silence,....that's not good enough. He is a man in his thirties, in a relationship - that in itself is a way of shrugging off responsibility..so it could be ,that he just really doesnt like to take responsibility. When you ask him what he will do to take action to get over his fear of marriage will show you what he is all about- man A, or man B, the type who avoids any responsibility to people in his life

Last edited by Ladybugs; 08-04-2011 at 11:44 AM.
Ladybugs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-04-2011, 12:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
southern wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Wine Cellar
Posts: 10,108
Default Re: My boyfriend is scared of marriage, what can I do to help?

If it were me, I would not bring up marriage again with him. Let him figure it out for himself. Leave him alone with his thoughts of it and he'll come to a conclusion either way. Since you have to move to find work, then move. If he finds himself missing you and wanting you after you're gone, then he'll do what it takes to be with you (ie move near you or ask to live together). If not, then you'll know that answer as well, and can move forward with your life. Do no ask him to go with you, and do not wait and see what city he wants to move to. Be a woman, make your own decisions, and the rest will fall into place - with or without him.
southern wife is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Scared to lose the marriage amy928 Coping with Infidelity 24 11-02-2012 12:27 PM
11months marriage and still no sex,I'm scared. uneven Sex in Marriage 88 09-05-2012 07:50 AM
boyfriend and marriage dogluver General Relationship Discussion 4 06-16-2010 02:22 AM
Scared my marriage is coming to an end... Oceandancer General Relationship Discussion 8 05-08-2010 10:57 PM
Scared - beginning to think marriage might be over psychocandy General Relationship Discussion 11 03-10-2010 09:42 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:59 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage