Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

I don't even know where to start . let me give you a little background. I've been married for 6 years and have 3 beautiful daughters. Once upon a time we had a wonderful marriage. sometimes I have a hard time telling my wife the truth. I don't tell her the truth because I don't wanna hurt her feelings. of course after she catches me in a lie, it hurts her even more then if I told her the truth. My dishonesty has ruined our marriage I believe. I love her so very much. It breaks my heart knowing I have done this to her. Growing up in a very religous family, I was pushed into being the very best person I could be. I always felt I could never live up to my parents expectations. And of course, I felt like I could never live up to my wifes expectations. I know I have some self esteem issues that need to be worked out. I felt that if I made myself sound better to my wife she wouldn't be dissappointed in me. That's where the lying comes in. I have been caught multiple times in this lie. And of all things its about chewing tobacco. I have quit several times but yet I always revert back to it, and I am afraid to tell her. Well she found out about it again. I was trying to hide it from her. She told me it was absolutely stupid of me to throw our marriage away over such a dumb thing. And you know what, she is right. Not to mention ruining our 3 children's lives. Again ,she was right. I know I need some help. I have read so many great thing in this forum, I thought I should give it a try, hoping for advice and guidance. I am not proud of the person I have become. My actions are not acceptible and inexcusable. I would love for my wife to start trusting me again. I know it won't happen overnight, in fact its going to take years. But I am willing to do it for her and our family. I just don't know where to start. Thank in advance for your help.
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

2 things...

1) I am an ex pack a day smoker and I know its hard to quit.

2) Knock it off. Man up. Find some inspiration.

I quit smoking a few weeks before my son was born. I didn't want to quit. My wife was forcing me to do so. And I wasn't happy about it for the first few weeks...but as soon as my son was born I stopped caring about smoking. I had motivation to quit. Why would you want to damage your health when you have 3 daughters to care for? Chewing isn't any better than smoking. Do you want to be around for all the milestones in their life?

Not to mention the mental effects. Do you want them to think chewing is ok? Or lying for that matter?

As far as where to start...first of all...start with quitting. Really quitting. Second of all...stop blaming other things for your problems. Saying
Quote:
Growing up in a very religous family, I was pushed into being the very best person I could be. I always felt I could never live up to my parents expectations. And of course, I felt like I could never live up to my wifes expectations. I know I have some self esteem issues that need to be worked out. I felt that if I made myself sound better to my wife she wouldn't be dissappointed in me.
has nothing to do with your choices as a husband and father. Your parents didn't make that choice...you did.
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

First of all, I am so sorry you grew up with parents who pressured you so much. I've seen firsthand what this does to kids.

Second, great job recognizing you have an issue with being truthful. As you say, often times lying is about not wanting to deal with the consequences of the truth. But as you have learned, lying always bites you in the butt.

You need to develop some self-compassion. I swear to God, when you learn how to forgive yourself for not being perfect and to fully accept who you are, life becomes wondeful. All those things holding you back (other people's opinions, your own self-loathing) melts away and you can see the world more clearly.

At this point, talk it cheap. Your wife wants to see your actions, not hear your words because your wife can't trust your words right now.

Find a clinical psychologist (not just any old therapist) who can help you work on self-acceptance and compassion. You may need to break away a bit from your parents, too, given that they expect you to live for them. You need to learn how to be your own man.

And regarding the chewing tobacco - you are a grown man. You have a right to chew tobacco if you want. No, it's not healthy for you, but your wife has no right to control your habits. Chewing tobacco is something YOU need to give up on your own....or not. A good therapist can help you create some healthy ways to assert yourself so that you are more your own person. When you are okay with who you are, you will feel comfortable setting some personal boundaries - like telling your wife that your chewing habit is your thing to do or not do. It doesn't make you a bad person to chew and it's not a moral failing to want to do it. We all have our vices. Yeah, there are some risks, but again, if you want to do it, you should be free to do it or not.

Hope what I'm saying makes sense. If you can find a good therapist (psychologist), they can really help you with the issues you have mentioned. Good luck!
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

Nothing like good ole constructive critism. But your right. Advice taken.
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Old 07-31-2011, 07:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

ALG1208 - this is a support forum. This guy already sounds like he beats himself up enough already without you piling on more criticism. The issue isn't about him chewing or not. That is just the superficial topic. What runs deeper is what he should be focusing on, in my opinion.

He wasn't offering excuses. He was offering context for why he began lying. He clearly said it's wrong and he knows it.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

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Originally Posted by Laurae1967 View Post
ALG1208 - this is a support forum. This guy already sounds like he beats himself up enough already without you piling on more criticism. The issue isn't about him chewing or not. That is just the superficial topic. What runs deeper is what he should be focusing on, in my opinion.

He wasn't offering excuses. He was offering context for why he began lying. He clearly said it's wrong and he knows it.
Just out of curiousity have you ever been addicted to tobacco? Because I have and I pulled out several excuses myself. I'm not telling him he's a bad person. I'm giving it to him straight and to the point. Something that (my guess is) someone should have done a long time ago.

You say "this is a support forum". Is the "tough love" so to speak not a form of support? Is the only acceptable recommended form of support therapy? Because that seems to be what you've suggested for every aspect of his life. Whether it works or not is not the issue. The point is there are different types of support. If he was offended by the way I spoke to him then let him tell me and I will apologize.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

I thought your post was harsh and to be honest, not very helpful. He isn't asking for help to quit chewing.

Your post sounded critical and judgemental. It is the same type of judgemental stuff he's struggling with already. Your post seemed to lack sensitivity and that's a shame because if folks come on here and feel like they are going to get attacked/criticized, they will not post. That defeats the purpose of this site.

And since you asked, I smoked a pack a day for many years. But again, the poster was not asking about how to quit chewing. He was asking about how he can regain his wife's trust and learn to be more honest.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

Nothing like good ole constructive critism. But your right. Advice taken.
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Old 07-31-2011, 09:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

You aren't ruining your children's lives by chewing tobacco. I don't think you're ruining their lives over lying about it either.

I mean it's not good to lie, but it isn't that terrible.
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Old 07-31-2011, 10:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

Team you sound a little too self-critical and that may hinder you comming into your own.

Your Lies bother you and you have plenty of insight into why you do it. Now you have to take a leap of faith and show your worts and see if your wife loves you still. Sincerity and imperfections makes a person lovable. Perfect people don't seem to need anything, imperfect people do and we like doing for people we love.

Once you see your wife loves you with all of your imperfections you will have no reason to lie. A tobacco habit is hard to beat but with perserverebce you can do it. If you don't suceed at first try again it normally takes serveral trys before you are sucessful. You difficulty is not a character flaw it is the nature of nicotine addiction.

Cut yourself some slack. Talk to the little boy inside of you like you would talk to your beloved child. Let him know he is loved exactly the way he is. All efforts at improvement are good but the basic core of you is good enough.
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Old 08-01-2011, 12:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

Lousy example for your kids to risk mouth or tongue cancer and always needing to spit somewhere.

But ruining their lives? No.

Bad example for lying about it though.

Addiction is a lousy thing. For some people Tobacco is really hard to quit.
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:01 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Screwed up badly! Lost her trust.

Thank you all for your suggestions and input. Sience I started this thread yesterday I have used no chewing tobacco. I know its a small step in my road to recovery, but I got to start somewhere. I know I can do this, and I am hoping one day my wife will notice the changes I am making. Right now we really are not on speaking terms as expected. But I agree with what has been said by Laurae1967, my wife wants to see actions, not words.
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