Hi all,
This is my first time here and I'd really appreciate some help.
I know this is quite long but I am very grateful to anyone who manages to get through and has a bit of advice!
First of all, this is not just a case of cold feet. I love my fiancee very much and the thing I want the most right now is for us to to be happy together.
We're both 26 and have been together for almost two years. Since the day we met we knew we wanted to be together and have been in each other's pockets since. But our relationship has never been easy. We have had our ups and downs, but have resolved the issues and feel like we have come out stronger. I don't think it is necessary to discuss the issues we have been through, to make this post shorter, but do please feel free to ask if you so wish!
We are generally a good, solid couple, but we are both stubborn and when we argue, we tend to argue big.
Let's discuss the issue that has led me to start this thread, (though I may go off on a tangent at times):
It was his birthday last week, so we had friends over to celebrate (around 8 people). Guests started arriving at midday. I generally find his behaviour when he's around friends very immature, which is weird, because he's normally a very mature guy - has been at the same job for a few years, gets paid well, has a mortgage and watches his spending to get the mortgage paid faster, takes care of the house, etc. I guess it gests worst because they're normally drinking.
Tonight, him and a friend whom I've known for a while started making jokes, telling a friend whom I've met today that I'm like a sponge, living off his money whilst he's bringing in income because I'm unemployed. This makes no sense, as I have only been unemployed for 1 week because I really was hating my job, and I already have an interview lined up. Besides, we have separate joint accounts, I use my own money for everything, and contribute accordingly towards bills, etc.
I feel like he doesn't respect me, and this is only one example. Whenever I mention respect to him, he says it's not about respect. He doesn't really get the meaning of respect in a relationship...
After that I told him in private that I was unhappy and that we would talk tomorrow, and continued the evening (we were playing poker by this point), being pleasant with our friends like if nothing happened. He, however, keeps coming to kiss me and hold me all the time, asking what he did wrong, and starts apologizing, though making it clear he doesn't know what he did wrong. How can you apologize if you don't know what you did wrong??? I feel like he says 'I'm sorry' just so we can move on, but he doesn't really care about my feelings.
When he tried to kiss me I just tried to stop him, but making sure our friends wouldn't notice as I don't like making a scene, but I think this made him annoyed.
Then him and his friend proceeded to shut me and his friend's girlfriend outside in the backyard - again being immature - and I asked (properly) for him to open it and he didn't. They made us stay out in the cold for a while.
When we came back in him and his 2 friends were playing computer games, alienating me and his friend's girlfriend. By this point it was already 2am and I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, at the end of the day these people had been around since midday. I asked him how long they'd be and he said he didn't know. The girlfriend and I went to the bedroom to watch a movie, and he kept closing the door which I didn't like as I didn't want to be completely shut out. I insisted on the door being opened and although he did he told me to **** off in front of his friend, which is something I absolutely cannot cope with. It has happened in the past, and it is getting better, but still happens...
He just came to bed, at 5:30am.
I'm just so confused. I don't know how to deal with the issues. I feel like the comment he made about me being unemployed was disrespectful, shutting me out was immature, I don't want to ever ever be told to **** Off, especially not in front of friends, and I don't want guests to be here until 5:30am when I'm completely shut out in the bedroom and not participating.
I just feel like crying and I don't know whether this is something that we can work on, that is similar to the things all couples go through, or whether it's a sign that we shouldn't be together.
This will be my second marriage (got married very young before and was extremely naive - it lasted 3 years but we had to give up in the end) and I really want this to be forever, I guess I'm over sensitive to 'warning' signs.
He's got a friend who's been traveling coming back at the end of the year and I had agreed to rent the spare room to him for a while, because my fiancee really wants this, but I was already worried about how it may turn out and today made me doubt it even more. I really don't think he'd react well if I said I don't agree to it anymore, and this thought has made me want to do it, just to test if he will include me in decisions like this in the future (the house is his).
I could go on forever, but it's time to try to get to sleep.
I have no friends or family here I could talk to, so would be very grateful for any help you guys can give me.
Thanks for reading!!
This is my first time here and I'd really appreciate some help.
I know this is quite long but I am very grateful to anyone who manages to get through and has a bit of advice!
First of all, this is not just a case of cold feet. I love my fiancee very much and the thing I want the most right now is for us to to be happy together.
We're both 26 and have been together for almost two years. Since the day we met we knew we wanted to be together and have been in each other's pockets since. But our relationship has never been easy. We have had our ups and downs, but have resolved the issues and feel like we have come out stronger. I don't think it is necessary to discuss the issues we have been through, to make this post shorter, but do please feel free to ask if you so wish!
We are generally a good, solid couple, but we are both stubborn and when we argue, we tend to argue big.
Let's discuss the issue that has led me to start this thread, (though I may go off on a tangent at times):
It was his birthday last week, so we had friends over to celebrate (around 8 people). Guests started arriving at midday. I generally find his behaviour when he's around friends very immature, which is weird, because he's normally a very mature guy - has been at the same job for a few years, gets paid well, has a mortgage and watches his spending to get the mortgage paid faster, takes care of the house, etc. I guess it gests worst because they're normally drinking.
Tonight, him and a friend whom I've known for a while started making jokes, telling a friend whom I've met today that I'm like a sponge, living off his money whilst he's bringing in income because I'm unemployed. This makes no sense, as I have only been unemployed for 1 week because I really was hating my job, and I already have an interview lined up. Besides, we have separate joint accounts, I use my own money for everything, and contribute accordingly towards bills, etc.
I feel like he doesn't respect me, and this is only one example. Whenever I mention respect to him, he says it's not about respect. He doesn't really get the meaning of respect in a relationship...
After that I told him in private that I was unhappy and that we would talk tomorrow, and continued the evening (we were playing poker by this point), being pleasant with our friends like if nothing happened. He, however, keeps coming to kiss me and hold me all the time, asking what he did wrong, and starts apologizing, though making it clear he doesn't know what he did wrong. How can you apologize if you don't know what you did wrong??? I feel like he says 'I'm sorry' just so we can move on, but he doesn't really care about my feelings.
When he tried to kiss me I just tried to stop him, but making sure our friends wouldn't notice as I don't like making a scene, but I think this made him annoyed.
Then him and his friend proceeded to shut me and his friend's girlfriend outside in the backyard - again being immature - and I asked (properly) for him to open it and he didn't. They made us stay out in the cold for a while.
When we came back in him and his 2 friends were playing computer games, alienating me and his friend's girlfriend. By this point it was already 2am and I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, at the end of the day these people had been around since midday. I asked him how long they'd be and he said he didn't know. The girlfriend and I went to the bedroom to watch a movie, and he kept closing the door which I didn't like as I didn't want to be completely shut out. I insisted on the door being opened and although he did he told me to **** off in front of his friend, which is something I absolutely cannot cope with. It has happened in the past, and it is getting better, but still happens...
He just came to bed, at 5:30am.
I'm just so confused. I don't know how to deal with the issues. I feel like the comment he made about me being unemployed was disrespectful, shutting me out was immature, I don't want to ever ever be told to **** Off, especially not in front of friends, and I don't want guests to be here until 5:30am when I'm completely shut out in the bedroom and not participating.
I just feel like crying and I don't know whether this is something that we can work on, that is similar to the things all couples go through, or whether it's a sign that we shouldn't be together.
This will be my second marriage (got married very young before and was extremely naive - it lasted 3 years but we had to give up in the end) and I really want this to be forever, I guess I'm over sensitive to 'warning' signs.
He's got a friend who's been traveling coming back at the end of the year and I had agreed to rent the spare room to him for a while, because my fiancee really wants this, but I was already worried about how it may turn out and today made me doubt it even more. I really don't think he'd react well if I said I don't agree to it anymore, and this thought has made me want to do it, just to test if he will include me in decisions like this in the future (the house is his).
I could go on forever, but it's time to try to get to sleep.
I have no friends or family here I could talk to, so would be very grateful for any help you guys can give me.
Thanks for reading!!