Lifeisquick

My girlfriend has a severe case of social anxiety. She doesn't exactly have time for quality therapy since she is a chemical engineering major (and even plans on taking classes during the summer). She is beautiful and very intelligent and I respect how she thinks about the world and everything about it.

We've been in a serious relationship for 1.5 years, thats a pretty freakin long time for a college girlfriend/boyfriend. It's probably an important note that we are also each others first boyfriend/girlfriend. She takes zoloft for her problem but it only slightly helps.

Although I've been with her that long, she is still too nervous around me to really start interesting conversation or say random things that to me are a necessary part a relationship. I start nearly all the topics of conversation and make just about all of the jokes. Therefore I really don't have much fun with her, other than sex of course which obviously gets in the way of me making this decision. About a week ago I tried to tell her to make more conversation and she said she was literally just too afraid, even of me (this made her cry, she has the sweetest most sad cry you can ever imagine...). Anytime we try to hang out with friends together she is just awkward and it makes me not really able to enjoy myself. She doesn't say anything stupid or act awkward, its just that she is so neutral about everything and for lack of a better term, boring (she is scared stiff to really say much).


As you might guess its been impossible for her to get close friends, so I am really all she has, besides her puppy and her mom (she LOVES animals and she loves her family). I am not happy in this relationship even though I love so many things about her. She is definitely the sweetest most harmless person I've ever met, but I have to have fun with someone to really love them. I also always pictured my girlfriend as someone I'd want to show off and hang out with my friends with, but instead things are better if she's either not with me when I'm hanging out with friends, or if were just not in the same conversation.




So PLEASE give me your thoughts. I am somewhat already trying to break up with her, yesterday I started saying how I worry that we've only dated one person, and how I really want to have more friends and spend more time with them, (implying I don't have time for her). This made her cry until we fell asleep and when we woke up she was crying on the couch as she ate her cereal. Then I told her I'm basically just confused and that my lack of time for friends doesn't really have anything to do with her. I feel like **** and very twisted inside because I don't know if she would really ever recover and she is the last person on this planet that I want to be unhappy. But I know if I somewhere down the road do break up with her, I'll regret not doing it earlier. However I don't even know if I can break up with someone who cries the way she does...god help me

If you want any more details I can give them.

draconis

First she isn't an object to show off. If that is what you want from a girlfriend ten you must make a lousy boyfriend.

Second, maybe you can help her by getting her in a debate class, inspirational speaking, current events

Growing is a part of relationships.

Maybe her issue is more than just social, many people have high functioning autisms that while they are super intelligent they have social interaction issues. Chances are she doesn't have autism per se but maybe something else like it, we are not all wired the same way.

Maybe something in her childhood caused her to be withdrawn, moving around, specially army brats have this. Maybe you are just to controling of her for her to feel comfortable having he own friends or having a girls night out to let down her hair so to speak.

I'll wait for you to respond.

draconis

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Lifeisquick

MarkTwain

Lifeisquick-

By pushing her gently to engage in more conversation, you will not only be helping yourself, but you will be helping her. You don't need therapist for that - if she find it hard even to talk with you, then you are the ideal person to start with.

You could make it into a game. 1/4 of an hour 3 times a week for instance. Give her a list of topics that while not to challenging, she will at least find interesting. Then she must pick one topic from the list, and start a conversation with you.

If you tell her this was the one and only reason why you were worried about the relationship, she would probably be inclined to try it.

If you are thinking of leaving her anyway, I would not take no for an answer... But I am not a very nice guy

Just remember, she sounds like a beautiful being with the most sensitive heart you will ever meet. Some people have hearts so sensitive they feel every little thing, and shyness is their defence mechanism. It might be that life was waiting for you to come along and boost her confidence. If you duck out now, you may have missed an opportunity to make the world a better place.

justean

it sounds like you just dont have the chemistry . if you sincerely love her, you wil stay and take steps together to help her. but its not all about her either. you are the other part in the relationship.
your needs have to be full filled also.
sometimes its not funny being in a sad relationship, but i dont think you can stay because she cries.
if you do move on, i think the best way is go quickly . dont linger or keep contact.
thats why its called moving on.
my previous boyfriends and when we split up, the candle had burnt out. her personality is like that for the rest of her life.
i didnt go out with blokes that smoked, why? because they smoked.
so what im saying is, you dont have to stay with someone because they suffer with severe anxiety . you dont have to feel sorry for your actions all the time.

cheewagacheewaga

Chemical engineering? Is she an introverted person? What ethnicity is she? Could it be cultural? You can see where I'm going with this ... ?

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draconis

Is there a language barrier?

draconis

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voivod

and you might miss out on the sweetest, most beautiful being ever. all for the sake of "socializing," which you can find an outlet for, i would assume, pretty easily.

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4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7

Lifeisquick

She is definitely not introverted, she really wishes she had more friends (or just any close friend besides me). She is Caucasian...


I slowly and gently was able to tell her how much I wanted her to get better, and she said that now that she knows its such a big deal to me she will get more serious about it (you were right MarkTwain), shes already in her major so her grades are no longer all that important, as long as she passes all of her classes. I asked her why she wasn't serious about it on her own, and she said it was because she basically gave up and accepted it over the years. She called her mom and told her she wants to do therapy again ("again" because she was going to do it earlier but decided she didnt have time). Her parents were never very supportive or understanding of her problem but they will still pay for the therapy at least. Wish her luck....thanks guys.


Yeah yeah I know...this has been a huge reason why I've stuck with her so long.

MarkTwain

So is she one of life's rare angels, or just an ordinary gal?

Lifeisquick

shes a cute little boring angel....how's that.

I dont know...

draconis

An introvert might want to have friends, but lack the social skills and graces to do so. Next time you are out with her and friends try to include her in more conversations. My wife when I met her was a wall flower. She is one of the best liked and most outgoing person you'd ever meet now, even more so than me.

draconis

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stallasen

just do it. she can probably feel it coming anyway.

but remember that b/c you judge people like that in intimate relationships, you invite yourself to be judged like that in return.