My wife has been convinced since day one that I don't love her. She has absolutely no reason to have such mistrust in me - since we've been together the only one who's been guilty of infidelity has been her - to be fair it was 'before' we were actually married, but once again it was because - according to her at least - she was convinced that I didn't love her. After that break up we got back together and I went out of my way to prove my love to her - it doesn't seem to matter what I do - she is convinced that I don't love her and carries this around with her constantly - it's at the root of every argument we have. On occasion, in my frustration with her constant mistrust - I will get angry and say something I shouldn't - I recently got angry and told her to "go to hell" - but in my defense it's on top of all the current financial pressure we are facing, other arguments we have concerning the kids (she has 3 kids from two previous marriages that we don't always agree on what they should be allowed to do) - we are both unemployed and trying to squeak by on my unemployment check - and to add to ALL the stress her constant mistrust of me drives me crazy - I simply don't deserve it and I get offended and hurt by her accusations. I love her, and don't want to be without her - but the constant unpleasantness and the frequency of our fighting is really having an adverse affect on my general health and peace of mind - any advice?
Thanks to both "that girl" and "Kobo" for the input - it's helpful - I am convinced that no matter how much of our fighting is due to her issues there is so much about myself I can learn from this - I really DO have to learn how to control my reactions and things I do seem to compound the problem - like you say my reactions validate her feelings - she ends up thinking that my reaction "proves her point" when it does nothing of the sort.... I think I can honestly say I am learning little by little - though I recently told her to 'go to hell' - something I feel terrible about - it's actually progress in the sense that previously I would have left - since we've been married I've tried really hard not to just walk off during our arguments - I do have to sometimes take time off in another room but I used to get in the car and drive off until I got an apology from her - which sometimes took a few days and then her apologies were seldom sincere.
I have been calling around trying to find a counselor - I am extremely poor right now but have found a way to get free counseling or at least sliding scale reduced cost and I'm in the process of seeking this out - by the way what is "IC" exactly? Some kind of counseling? Thanks again
Bingo - her father left her - well actually it was her mother that left her father but she was very young and only knows daddy was gone - I also come from a broken family and like all couples we both have our own issues that we bring into the mix -
but....I'm workin' on it all too!!!
That is all we can do - work on ourselves - I think that is one of the toughest things for me, I so much want to 'fix' her issues, my issues, but at the end of the day it's really only myself and how I mentally 'treat' things that I have any control over. The 'test' continues - unfortunately she has decided to stay the night with a friend of hers - a girlfriend that she's been close with since childhood - it bothers me because she left not talking to me over this stupid stuff and has now left me and her daughter at home without a car or any food in the house - if I were to do something like this I'd NEVER hear the end of it. - I get so frustrated sometimes I just don't understand what on earth I have ever done to deserve the treatment I get from her - I try understanding - as best i can - and have tried 'putting my foot down' but it seems no matter what approach I take we never get anywhere - it really is just a repeat of the same fight over and over again - I don't love her - I'm not attracted to her - I'm only with her because it's better than being alone - which is ALL ridiculous - she is absolutely beautiful - stunning in fact - she looks like she could be a movie star or model in my eyes - she makes me laugh like nobody ever has - and when we first met she seemed to be so compassionate and kind - one of the most empathetic people I've ever met - within the first few weeks of talking to her I'd told her my life story - every little thing that ever bothered me - every little 'secret' anything and everything I've ever been ashamed of - but now I swear she brings up these old things and throws them in my face criticising me and putting me down - she says things that she knows are hurtful - things I would NEVER say to her - it is all in such contrast to how she was at first - for someone as sensitive as her I'm just in disbelief that she can be so insensitive toward me now - she is obviously lashing out in an effort to hurt me because she feels hurt - which would be perfectly understandable had I truly done something to hurt her - but I've done nothing to hurt her - if she gets me angry enough she might get a "go to hell" out of me but that is really the extent of it - on the other hand she has done many things to hurt me - and she is unfortunately successful more times than not. She is CONSTANTLY accusing me of things I don't do - looking at other women, even on the damn television - or at the grocery store - anywhere we might go - but I don't do it - I lived alone and rarely dated for well over a decade before meeting her, and I truly fell in love with her and asked her to marry me - I am not interested in other women and have never objectified women or been the type of guy that stares or any of that stuff - she accuses me of looking at some woman and will give me a complete description of the woman and I won't6 have the vaguest idea of who she is talking about - one of my issues is that I don't like being blamed for things I don't do and I ge5t blamed for things I don't do on a regular basis - I've tried to explain it to her that it leaves me feeling mistrusted which makes me feel lonely and not close to her - instead of understanding she uses this as more "proof" that I am not attracted to her - it's absolutely insane - I think I need to make counseling/therapy a priority now because that seems to me to be the ONLY thing I CAN do - - when we broke up I sought out help and was getting help, doing EMDR and was diagnosed with PTSD, getting help for it - but when we married I came back up to where she lives which is out in the country and I'm without a car and outside of the public transit area - I feel like I sacrificed everything just to be with her and the kids but I get no respect or appreciation for it - she hasn't been able to keep a job yet because I lost my job of ten years when I was diagnosed with liver disease and my disability was denied I had to go on unemployment - I'm getting the maximum benefits allowed which is admittedly about half what I was earning before - the truth is that the only jobs I might be able to get would pay me even less than my benefits so I'm holding out for better pay - it seems senseless to me to take a job that pays less right now - especially living out here without a car - so my unemployment goes entirely to the family yet she thinks she can call me a "loser" - I have been trying hard to get a job and kept my last job for ten years - of all people for HER to call me a loser really hurts - and now SHE is at her friends house all night and probably drinking - *sigh* oh well sorry for carrying on so - I just need to vent - I really love her and want to see us work out - I'm no angel and have had addiction/alchohol issues in my past - she doesn't drink on a regular basis probably oh I dunno maybe 6 or 7 times a year - but when she DOES drink she drinks like an alhoholic and is REALLY bad - she gets abusive and I've had to take her car keys away from her because she made arrangements to go out with guys and old girlfriends of hers - really anyone that will - because when she gets drunk she chats online and wants to "party" - this is the kind of stuff that just gets me because she has the NERVE to complain about me when I am loyal, true, would never dream of cheating on her - I can't allow her to treat me like sh*t but she has herself convinced that it's all MY fault - oh well - thanks for letting me get it off my chest - I hope we work it out because I truly do love her with all my heart - I know this all comes from her own pain and that she doesn't really mean to hurt me she lashes out from her own pain - deep down she's a very loving intelligent beautiful woman and I want to be instrumental in helping her realize it - it's just so difficult - I take things personally and don't know where to draw the line - where or what makes a "healthy" boundry - but like I say - first step I think is to get back into counseling - she has already agreed to go - and God knows I need it - so I'll try that - I don't know what will happen and I have to be OK with that - I do know that I will live and learn - again - thanks for letting me vent - maybe now I can relax a little - I'll probably be up all night thanks to her shinanigans -
Really, from the little you've said it sounds like she is bi-polar.
Also, when a spouse gripes about cheating and complains about trust, usually it's out of guilt. In this case it may simply be that she wants to be single and partying, since she seems to behave like a teenager/college girl.
Really, I know you want to work things out but there's a song out there that explains your situation: "Love's not enough, in itself".
she needs counseling, or receive professional help of some sort. She is dealing with abdonment, which sometimes does stay with people until it is dealt with. She might continue to "test" you to see if you will stay.
For her to get over this problem she will need to go get help. Yes overtime she may finally believe you love her, but that feeling of abdonment, and feeling of being scared that you will leave her wont fully go away.
Has she ever cheated on you? It could be she is projecting what she has done onto you (accusing you of cheating on her). Guilty conscience?
Either way, you need to tell her how you feel and how her accusations against you/feelings are having an adverse effect on your marriage. You shouldn't have to convince someone all the time that you want to be with them. She sounds insecure. Marriage counselling?
Your wife has some serious issues. She may be bi-polar, but at the very least, she has very, very low self esteem and abandonment issues that are so extreme that they are wreaking havoc on her life and yours.
She is also being abusive to you by calling you a "loser". How can you maintain love and trust with a spouse that does that? In some twisted way, I think you wife's acting out is her way of pushing you away....fulfilling the fear she has, which is that you will leave her. Many people with commitment issues do this type of thing.
Unfortunately, you can't make her better. She has to do that. I would tell her that she must start seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis in order for you to stay in the marriage. Unless she addresses her issues, the marriage will not get better.
And regardless what her issues are, it is never okay for your spouse to treat you the way you have described. I would get counseling for yourself to figure out why you are willing to tolerate such cruel treatment from your wife. You may have issues with codependence you need to work on. Find a psychologist, not just any therapist.