Re: I love my wife but she's driving me crazy
Bingo - her father left her - well actually it was her mother that left her father but she was very young and only knows daddy was gone - I also come from a broken family and like all couples we both have our own issues that we bring into the mix -
but....I'm workin' on it all too!!!
That is all we can do - work on ourselves - I think that is one of the toughest things for me, I so much want to 'fix' her issues, my issues, but at the end of the day it's really only myself and how I mentally 'treat' things that I have any control over. The 'test' continues - unfortunately she has decided to stay the night with a friend of hers - a girlfriend that she's been close with since childhood - it bothers me because she left not talking to me over this stupid stuff and has now left me and her daughter at home without a car or any food in the house - if I were to do something like this I'd NEVER hear the end of it. - I get so frustrated sometimes I just don't understand what on earth I have ever done to deserve the treatment I get from her - I try understanding - as best i can - and have tried 'putting my foot down' but it seems no matter what approach I take we never get anywhere - it really is just a repeat of the same fight over and over again - I don't love her - I'm not attracted to her - I'm only with her because it's better than being alone - which is ALL ridiculous - she is absolutely beautiful - stunning in fact - she looks like she could be a movie star or model in my eyes - she makes me laugh like nobody ever has - and when we first met she seemed to be so compassionate and kind - one of the most empathetic people I've ever met - within the first few weeks of talking to her I'd told her my life story - every little thing that ever bothered me - every little 'secret' anything and everything I've ever been ashamed of - but now I swear she brings up these old things and throws them in my face criticising me and putting me down - she says things that she knows are hurtful - things I would NEVER say to her - it is all in such contrast to how she was at first - for someone as sensitive as her I'm just in disbelief that she can be so insensitive toward me now - she is obviously lashing out in an effort to hurt me because she feels hurt - which would be perfectly understandable had I truly done something to hurt her - but I've done nothing to hurt her - if she gets me angry enough she might get a "go to hell" out of me but that is really the extent of it - on the other hand she has done many things to hurt me - and she is unfortunately successful more times than not. She is CONSTANTLY accusing me of things I don't do - looking at other women, even on the damn television - or at the grocery store - anywhere we might go - but I don't do it - I lived alone and rarely dated for well over a decade before meeting her, and I truly fell in love with her and asked her to marry me - I am not interested in other women and have never objectified women or been the type of guy that stares or any of that stuff - she accuses me of looking at some woman and will give me a complete description of the woman and I won't6 have the vaguest idea of who she is talking about - one of my issues is that I don't like being blamed for things I don't do and I ge5t blamed for things I don't do on a regular basis - I've tried to explain it to her that it leaves me feeling mistrusted which makes me feel lonely and not close to her - instead of understanding she uses this as more "proof" that I am not attracted to her - it's absolutely insane - I think I need to make counseling/therapy a priority now because that seems to me to be the ONLY thing I CAN do - - when we broke up I sought out help and was getting help, doing EMDR and was diagnosed with PTSD, getting help for it - but when we married I came back up to where she lives which is out in the country and I'm without a car and outside of the public transit area - I feel like I sacrificed everything just to be with her and the kids but I get no respect or appreciation for it - she hasn't been able to keep a job yet because I lost my job of ten years when I was diagnosed with liver disease and my disability was denied I had to go on unemployment - I'm getting the maximum benefits allowed which is admittedly about half what I was earning before - the truth is that the only jobs I might be able to get would pay me even less than my benefits so I'm holding out for better pay - it seems senseless to me to take a job that pays less right now - especially living out here without a car - so my unemployment goes entirely to the family yet she thinks she can call me a "loser" - I have been trying hard to get a job and kept my last job for ten years - of all people for HER to call me a loser really hurts - and now SHE is at her friends house all night and probably drinking - *sigh* oh well sorry for carrying on so - I just need to vent - I really love her and want to see us work out - I'm no angel and have had addiction/alchohol issues in my past - she doesn't drink on a regular basis probably oh I dunno maybe 6 or 7 times a year - but when she DOES drink she drinks like an alhoholic and is REALLY bad - she gets abusive and I've had to take her car keys away from her because she made arrangements to go out with guys and old girlfriends of hers - really anyone that will - because when she gets drunk she chats online and wants to "party" - this is the kind of stuff that just gets me because she has the NERVE to complain about me when I am loyal, true, would never dream of cheating on her - I can't allow her to treat me like sh*t but she has herself convinced that it's all MY fault - oh well - thanks for letting me get it off my chest - I hope we work it out because I truly do love her with all my heart - I know this all comes from her own pain and that she doesn't really mean to hurt me she lashes out from her own pain - deep down she's a very loving intelligent beautiful woman and I want to be instrumental in helping her realize it - it's just so difficult - I take things personally and don't know where to draw the line - where or what makes a "healthy" boundry - but like I say - first step I think is to get back into counseling - she has already agreed to go - and God knows I need it - so I'll try that - I don't know what will happen and I have to be OK with that - I do know that I will live and learn - again - thanks for letting me vent - maybe now I can relax a little - I'll probably be up all night thanks to her shinanigans -