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post #46 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 02:08 AM
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

It all sounds very strange. Is it possible that the person is from her past before you got married, a child or something like that?

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post #47 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 02:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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It all sounds very strange. Is it possible that the person is from her past before you got married, a child or something like that?
All I know is that she was a grade school friend,and who found her on FB.but it does not explained the weird things that are going on.
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post #48 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 08:18 AM
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

It is possible the issue is someone else, not the woman friend. Your wife could be meeting someone else altogether when she says she is meeting the woman friend. Or she leaves the woman after a 1 hr lunch to go be with someone else.

Cheaters will list their affair partner under another name in their contacts list. When your wife receives a call from Jane From Gradeschool, it might really be Joe From College.

The VAR will be your best source of direct intel. Don't fail to use it.
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post #49 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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It is possible the issue is someone else, not the woman friend. Your wife could be meeting someone else altogether when she says she is meeting the woman friend. Or she leaves the woman after a 1 hr lunch to go be with someone else.

Cheaters will list their affair partner under another name in their contacts list. When your wife receives a call from Jane From Gradeschool, it might really be Joe From College.

The VAR will be your best source of direct intel. Don't fail to use it.
I was trying not to think in that direction,but it is completely possible,it might explain a lot of this weirdness,I appreciate your Candor.
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post #50 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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I was trying not to think in that direction,but it is completely possible,it might explain a lot of this weirdness,I appreciate your Candor.
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Thor,
Your last post made some sense,I appreciate you bringing it up,I may just look in that direction,It might change my POV.
Thanks
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post #51 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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If your plan to confront your wife at lunch, be prepared for an extremely negative response. If you plan is to make sure she is actually lunching with this woman, will that be enough to make the friendship palatable? No matter what you find, nothing changes the need to talk to your wife and set limits for what you will tolerate. What are the limits and what happens if she violates them?

My advice is to carefully consider what you want. If it's a close friendship as she says, it might be best to let it go. I doubt that you will be able to change her attachment to this woman. If she feels there is no risk that she will lose anything she values more then she has no incentive to disengage.
If this relationship is as it seems,I don't have a problem with it,however if it is what it seem why the deception? There are too many anomalies that raise "Red Flags" for me,just since this started 5 years ago,I may be too trusting or just naive I don't. Know,but I'm not a big fan of "coincidence "and it's the deception,I am not perfect,I'm. In recovery from a porn addiction,and have been sober for a while now,almost two years,I have trust issues with women,she has trust issues with me because of porn. Something smell bad and it ain't. My feet.does that clear things up?
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post #52 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 06:00 PM
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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I did a Recon this evening,got some good intel,drove by the other woman's house,nothing obvious,got a good story going about getting a call from an old high school buddy,sounds like she bought it.
She did agree to leave the GPS
So you knocked on the lady's door and she answered?
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post #53 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 06:07 PM
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Given the problems you describe having in the past, it is possible that, at her age - and because of hooking up with an old friend - she's reached a point where she just wants to live out the rest of her years the way SHE wants to. She's obviously getting her emotional needs met by this friend (assuming it's not really a man she's having an affair with), and no longer by you. Once that happens, women often simply stop loving you, except in a platonic sense.

And many women DO believe that sex is just an obligation. I'm one of them. My H always makes it great for me, but I don't want it; I just want to get it over with, and then I can relax for a few days, knowing he won't make moves on me for at least 4 or 5 more days. And I can't wait until he's no longer interested in it. As sad as that sounds, a lot of women feel that way.

That said, if my H would fix all the problems I have with him, he would become MUCH more attractive to me, and I'd be far more interested in having sex with him. All the things he does that upset me keep me too turned off. So I'll urge you to take a REALLY hard look at yourself and see what it is about you that she's fed up with, given up on changing, or barely tolerates. We can help with that.

Finally, what you describe sounds A LOT like she's having an affair. Don't stop snooping and following until you know the truth.
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post #54 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 06:43 PM
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

I agree that this sounds like an affair. Getting dress in bathroom so you won't see her after being together for 45 years? I would definitely do the VAR in the car and in the room that she sneaks off to.

After 45 years couples can very comfortable and let themselves go and not make a romantic effort. Are you taking care of your appearance? Not that you need to be some GQ model but no woman wants to give herself to a slob. Also important to make an effort to make the Misses feel desirable. You don't have to turn into some sappy romance novel caricature, but a date night at least once a month is important.

Being in your 60s doesn't mean you can't work on improving yourself and hopefully your marriage. You can have a 2 prong attack. Improve yourself, physically, emotionally, educationally, ETC. You also need to get to the root cause of your wife's behavior. Unfortunately you let it go on for 5 years, so you will get push back but there is no reason you can't turn this around , if there is not another man. If there is, all bets are off.
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post #55 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Negative,she knows what I look like,I do not know what she looks like

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post #56 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 07:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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I agree that this sounds like an affair. Getting dress in bathroom so you won't see her after being together for 45 years? I would definitely do the VAR in the car and in the room that she sneaks off to.

After 45 years couples can very comfortable and let themselves go and not make a romantic effort. Are you taking care of your appearance? Not that you need to be some GQ model but no woman wants to give herself to a slob. Also important to make an effort to make the Misses feel desirable. You don't have to turn into some sappy romance novel caricature, but a date night at least once a month is important.

Being in your 60s doesn't mean you can't work on improving yourself and hopefully your marriage. You can have a 2 prong attack. Improve yourself, physically, emotionally, educationally, ETC. You also need to get to the root cause of your wife's behavior. Unfortunately you let it go on for 5 years, so you will get push back but there is no reason you can't turn this around , if there is not another man. If there is, all bets are off.
I feel like I TRUSTED her for five years,when I should have put my foot down,thats what hurts,I TRUSTED her,and and she may have betrayed that trust now I have figure out what I can do about,if anything.
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post #57 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 07:20 PM
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Feel that way if you must. But find the proof before you convince yourself you have a problem that may not actually exist.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #58 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-10-2015, 07:29 PM
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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I feel like I TRUSTED her for five years,when I should have put my foot down,thats what hurts,I TRUSTED her,and and she may have betrayed that trust now I have figure out what I can do about,if anything.
Deguello
If you read the threads on TAM and similar sites like surviving infidelity and love shack, you see a trend. Husbands that act decisively and STRONG get wives tripping over themselves to work on the marriage. indecisive Rug sweepers and men that take divorce off the table get trickle truth, multiple Ddays and many times left. You have to be willing to destroy the marriage in order to save it.

Do some research on the typical cheater script, to prepare yourself for the typical answers that ALL cheaters spout. Start working on improving yourself. Exercise, wardrobe, hygiene, hair, ETC. It'll give you the needed confidence that you need to basically go thru an emotional war. Look up the 180 and look to possibly implementing it some of it. It's mostly to help you detach which will be necessary to be able to not show weakness. After 45 years, you're rightly very attached but if she's been in an affair for 5 years, she has detached.

You improve yourself at the same time that you're pulling away, hopefully pursuing manly hobby and reconnecting with male friends. This can shake a spouse out of an affair fog as she wonders, "what's he up to." Also don't confront until you have proof. A VAR velcroed to bottom of passenger seat of her car can quickly get you some answers. Don't feel guilty of snooping. You're trying to save a 45 year relationship. If it turns out to be a wives complaining about their husband club, then the improvements can bring her around.
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post #59 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 01:37 AM
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Deguello my friend, you slipped in a huge item in one of your posts, didn't you?

Porn and alcohol abuse / addiction.

There is one thing we haven't explored. What if your wife is simply trying to keep something untarnished and safe from toxic aspects of the relationship that you have brought in?

Please consider this before you become too self righteous or indignant about her secrecy.

Yes it could be an affair or something sinister but it might be something banal.

Be cautious and be sure before confronting
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post #60 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-11-2015, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

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Deguello my friend, you slipped in a huge item in one of your posts, didn't you?

Porn and alcohol abuse / addiction.

There is one thing we haven't explored. What if your wife is simply trying to keep something untarnished and safe from toxic aspects of the relationship that you have brought in?

Please consider this before you become too self righteous or indignant about her secrecy.

Yes it could be an affair or something sinister but it might be something banal.

Be cautious and be sure before confronting
My wife has stood by me and didn't leave when she could have,and should be commended for not leaving,
I love this woman.We are both in recovery,we BOTH have issues,alcohol is not one of them,she has control issues,what seems to be going on is outside of the marriage. I could be wrong,it could be nothing,but I Don't know.
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