Wife is behaving weird. Need some input - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 918Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 12:05 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,415
Ok I have to admit you kind of creep me out a little bit deguello. Sorry to be so blunt. You're not going to do anything crazy if you get suspicious, are you?

There is a possibility she actually has an interest in you spending time with your dad (if I read that right).

So I agree look into this definitely - but keep an open mind if a pi says she's not cheating.

I think the fact that you are both in recovery makes me wonder if you both behave in ways that the rest of us in TAM would find suspicious.

Just some food for thought.

TheTruthHurts is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Deguello's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Westcoast us
Posts: 314
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Sorry to creep you out,by crazy do you mean hurt someone?
Won't happen,I still love my wife, There are things that my upbringing
Won't let me do and it is not worth going to prison for It does not mean that there won't be consequences to her action,My training prohibits unprovoked hostile engagement.
once I'm engaged all bets are off,I am a combat Vet.
I am seeing a MH professional next week,and have already given blood and urine for STD testing.
Deguello is offline  
post #78 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-16-2015, 05:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,415
Yeah you got it deguello I sensed something like that and was concerned if you got jumpy or triggered there might be some PTSD lurking out there. We train out military to kill... so that happens sometimes when there's a malfunction. Just keep s lid on things and get help if you don't seem to be coping correctly.

My upbringing taught me to read peoe certain ways - lets just say that
TheTruthHurts is offline  
 
post #79 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-17-2015, 12:55 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Deguello's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Westcoast us
Posts: 314
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

I'm. A little crazy,I'm not homicidal,I would have to be provoked,I just want to know why,there will be consequences for sure.
Deguello is offline  
post #80 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Deguello's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Westcoast us
Posts: 314
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

The wife tried to explain the statement she made about having sex because its her obligation,
I will have sex with you when you need it,because you need sex more than I need sex,so when you feel the need,let me know,there was no mention of her wanting sex at all, sounds to me like she is a LD spouse.
I have asked her to see a Dr.about that but she forgets to ask if there is anything that can be done. Does this make sense to anyone?
It does not explain Her odd behavior at least not to me. Ideas/suggestions
Deguello
Deguello is offline  
post #81 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 12:48 PM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,490
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

How can you possibly still not know what's going on?
Posted via Mobile Device
marduk is offline  
post #82 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 12:54 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,250
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

She's just like millions of women - sex isn't that important to her, never will be, likely. In my experience over the years, what I see is that, once the PEA chemicals (lust) is gone from the marriage, unless a woman is biologically HD, she won't care about sex any more UNLESS the marriage is VERY healthy, VERY equal, VERY safe, and VERY fulfilling. With all those things, she'll look at you with joy and excitement and WANT to consummate as a way of bonding even further.

Poopoo my theory all you want (and I know many of you are just itching to do so), but it bares out. It's just what happens. That's why the #1 issue men come to forums for or read books for is GETTING MORE AND BETTER SEX. And the #1 issue women do the same is for being in a marriage in which the man fails to learn, acknowledge, let alone address, what SHE needs in the marriage to have those feelings.

My opinion is that it's because men are raised by women and, typically, grew up taking the 'woman's role' for granted - mothering, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. - these were always all done FOR him so he not only paid no attention to who was doing it, but he gave no credit for who was doing it; he just expects it to all go smoothly.

But what happens, more often than not, is that the man is CONTENT, because at first all his needs are being met - admiration, sex, domestic support, admiration. Then kids come along and the woman is not only expected to keep all those going, but she also has to now divide her time between those, the housework, and raising kids. While he continues to blissfully enjoy the benefits. She starts getting frustrated; even if he 'tries' to help with things, in reality he's most likely still 'letting' her be responsible for everything. Her resentment grows, her desire for him reduces as he's the source of most of her resentment, he may SAY he'll step up but rarely does, cycle cycle cycle...until she frankly couldn't care LESS about having sex with the person responsible for the resentment and then HE gets upset and HAS NO CLUE why she's upset because he never really took her seriously when she complained.

You'll see this play out in almost every.single.book about Walkaway Wives. Who finally decide - usually after 10 to 20 years - what do I need him for? I'm already doing everything.

Men can pretend this isn't happening. To their own detriment. But it's real, it happens all around us, and those who pretend it's not will find themselves sexless and/or divorced.

In your case, all those needs you weren't meeting for your wife? Guess what? She found someone ELSE to meet them. Her friend. Sex is no longer an issue for her, so all she really needs is a good friend. And you lost that role years ago.
turnera is offline  
post #83 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 12:56 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 878
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Deguello,

My W talked about asking the doctor about her lack of labido, but did not when she went and was vague about what if anything was said.

I think the reason she didn't ask is that my W already knows the answer, and that answer is that she still has a sex drive and has feelings for others,but none for me.

I suspect your W, and mine, may have wanted to avoid bringing up the question with the doctor because the doctor would have had to ask probing questions. The answers to these probing questions would have either been lies or embarrassing.

Tamat
TAMAT is offline  
post #84 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 12:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,939
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

D,

i still smell a rat, i still like the idea of setting up an opportunity to see exactly where she would spend her time when your not at home at night...good luck
Lostinthought61 is offline  
post #85 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 01:06 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,398
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Turnera, your theory fails to explain the classic nice guy cases. Which most decent men end up being.

It also fails to suggest any pathology with the woman's communication faculties - apparently she's so busy doing aaaaall those thiiiiiings for her man and kiiiiids that she forgot how to talk and express her needs.

And one day she walks away, content that she did aaaaaall she could to save the marriage.

Allow us to be extra skeptical.

john117 is online now  
post #86 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 01:09 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,257
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
She's just like millions of women - sex isn't that important to her, never will be, likely. In my experience over the years, what I see is that, once the PEA chemicals (lust) is gone from the marriage, unless a woman is biologically HD, she won't care about sex any more UNLESS the marriage is VERY healthy, VERY equal, VERY safe, and VERY fulfilling. With all those things, she'll look at you with joy and excitement and WANT to consummate as a way of bonding even further.

Poopoo my theory all you want (and I know many of you are just itching to do so), but it bares out. It's just what happens. That's why the #1 issue men come to forums for or read books for is GETTING MORE AND BETTER SEX. And the #1 issue women do the same is for being in a marriage in which the man fails to learn, acknowledge, let alone address, what SHE needs in the marriage to have those feelings.

My opinion is that it's because men are raised by women and, typically, grew up taking the 'woman's role' for granted - mothering, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. - these were always all done FOR him so he not only paid no attention to who was doing it, but he gave no credit for who was doing it; he just expects it to all go smoothly.

But what happens, more often than not, is that the man is CONTENT, because at first all his needs are being met - admiration, sex, domestic support, admiration. Then kids come along and the woman is not only expected to keep all those going, but she also has to now divide her time between those, the housework, and raising kids. While he continues to blissfully enjoy the benefits. She starts getting frustrated; even if he 'tries' to help with things, in reality he's most likely still 'letting' her be responsible for everything. Her resentment grows, her desire for him reduces as he's the source of most of her resentment, he may SAY he'll step up but rarely does, cycle cycle cycle...until she frankly couldn't care LESS about having sex with the person responsible for the resentment and then HE gets upset and HAS NO CLUE why she's upset because he never really took her seriously when she complained.

You'll see this play out in almost every.single.book about Walkaway Wives. Who finally decide - usually after 10 to 20 years - what do I need him for? I'm already doing everything.

Men can pretend this isn't happening. To their own detriment. But it's real, it happens all around us, and those who pretend it's not will find themselves sexless and/or divorced.

In your case, all those needs you weren't meeting for your wife? Guess what? She found someone ELSE to meet them. Her friend. Sex is no longer an issue for her, so all she really needs is a good friend. And you lost that role years ago.
You encapsulated every reason why I will never marry again. I simply do not have the time, energy, passion nor desire to be Mr. SuperHusband for any woman ever again. I will be lucky to survive to retirement and have enough money set aside to survive my dotage. Being Senor Passion to a wife is something that I am logistically unable to do. God bless the men who can do that. They are rare.
bandit.45 is offline  
post #87 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 01:11 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,250
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Quote:
Turnera, your theory fails to explain the classic nice guy cases. Which most decent men end up being.

It also fails to suggest any pathology with the woman's communication faculties - apparently she's so busy doing aaaaall those thiiiiiings for her man and kiiiiids that she forgot how to talk and express her needs.

And one day she walks away, content that she did aaaaaall she could to save the marriage.
You sound as though Nice Guys meet their women's needs. They usually don't. They're too busy ensuring their own needs are met through covert contracts and passive aggressive methods.

And generally nice guys who just are nice? Are forgetting that woman need to be turned on to be all that into sex, and that requires, well, not just being nice.

Read some books on it; you'll see how it plays out.
turnera is offline  
post #88 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 01:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,415
Hmmmmm seems we're spiraling down into very specific scenarios from generally good ideas.

So - I get and agree LD is real and many women have it. Many (most?) times it simple is due to the passage of time, the fact that sex isn't in the top 5 needs for most women, and they are EITHER unhappy in their marriage OR fully content in their martiage.

So everything can be very satisfying and an LD woman would never initiate and frankly never need sex again.

I've read this several times on the pages of TAM.

So - what to do?

If she really is willing to meet your needs then go for it! Tell her you have a high sex drive, like many or most men, and desire daily sex. You could continue to masturbate but you would prefer the closeness of having sex with her and it will also help your marriage. Tell her you'll figure out specifically what you need as you both work through this. If it is daily it can include relatively quick sessions (hj or bj) with longer PIV xx tunes a week or month.

See what happens. If she says yes, then great. If she says no, explore it more and find out why. If you are willing to do something quick most of the time, what is her objection.

Personally I believe this will make you feel closer to her and encourage you to find out ways of pleasing her better. Then maybe she can begin to express her needs if she believes yould be willing to meet them.

Even LD women can become aroused once sex starts particularly if you condition her to expect sex more often and are getting closer to her. Bits called responsive desire.
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #89 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 01:59 PM
Member
 
john117's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 11,398
Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
You sound as though Nice Guys meet their women's needs. They usually don't. They're too busy ensuring their own needs are met through covert contracts and passive aggressive methods.

And generally nice guys who just are nice? Are forgetting that woman need to be turned on to be all that into sex, and that requires, well, not just being nice.

Read some books on it; you'll see how it plays out.

And walking out - after any intimacy has generally gone the way of the dodo bird unilaterally - is not the ultimate passive aggressiveness ??

Maybe I really need to be turned on to be a good provider , get a six pack, win Powerball, and maybe she'll be turned on.

I've read the books - general enough to make everyone feel like they're it - look you drink water without throwing the glass on the wall: yer a nice guy - and creepy example laden to tell us who we will be it we don't read the magic verses.
john117 is online now  
post #90 of 800 (permalink) Old 10-19-2015, 02:28 PM
Member
 
ihatethis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 179
Re: Wife is behaving weird. Need some input

I think that you are avoiding what you needs to be done because you are afraid of the truth. That is how I was when I was searching for answers from my EH. Put your foot down and do something. If she is being unfaithful, she will deny it of course so the best course of action is to see it for yourself. A lot of people have given you many ideas; sorry to put this bluntly but either sh*t or get off the pot. You've been dealing with this for 5 years, it's time to get the answers you deserve.

I do want to comment on what you said about the porn addiction and that she said when she should have left... (this goes with my thoughts on staying with someone who has cheated)...

She CHOSE to stay. That does not mean that for the rest of your life she can ruin it. For example, if you had cheated, and she CHOSE to stay, she made the decision to forgive and work on the future. That does not give her as many free passes as she wants to make you suffer for a mistake. Once the other person makes the decision to stay and forgive, they need to move on as well.
ihatethis is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Advice for my folks - dad behaving badly Healer General Relationship Discussion 6 05-31-2015 12:59 PM
Wife acting weird..really weird Diesel_Bomber Considering Divorce or Separation 15 09-07-2013 08:33 PM
Not cheating....but behaving like you are. Cee Paul Coping with Infidelity 15 08-15-2012 11:04 PM
Adult children behaving badly Colette Nolan The Family & Parenting Forums 2 07-12-2011 05:02 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome