General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Texts from ex
So this takes a little background... My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. Things could not be better in our relationship - we have so much in common, spend every day together, and have a fantastic sex life. She tells me all the time how much she loves me, we were meant for each other, she's never been so happy, all that. We live together and have talked about getting married in the near future. Before she met me, she was in a 4-year relationship with this dude Jim. At the beginning of her and Jim's relationship, before they were exclusive, she went to Europe and hooked up with this guy Mike who she'd met through an adopt-a-soldier program. They had been talking for a couple of years, she sent him care packages, all the rest. Jim was understandably upset with her about it, and told her to stop communicating with Mike, which she did. After she and Jim broke up, and before she met me, she started texting back and forth with Mike again, and it's continued to this day.
Now to our situation. A couple weeks ago, she asked me to go through her phone and figure out a way to save all our text messages to each other since we met as a reminder of how our relationship has grown over the last year. Of course, I came across her texts back and forth with Mike too. I'd seen his name pop up on her phone a bunch in the last year but never really thought much of it. Basically, this guy Mike texts her like 10x a week, usually late at night, sending her pictures of what he's doing, telling her about the girls he's chasing, asking her to come out to Nevada and "play" with him, telling her to remember all the things he used to do to her in bed, etc. My girlfriend usually sends short responses, though sometimes she gets into longer chats with him. She only mentioned me a couple times at the beginning of our relationship and hasn't said anything to this guy that we're living together, things are great, or anything like that. She just talks about her job and says things are ok. She also told him in January that she was coming out to Nevada for a conference in May and they should meet up for dinner/drinks when she was there, although she did say clearly that there'd be no messing around. She also kinda avoided him when he kept asking her exact plans, etc. and as far as I know she didn't see him when she was out there.
Last night, she went into the bathroom, closed the door, and had a back and forth text conversation with him for like a half hour at midnight. I knew because his response popped up on the phone at like 12:30 asking her when she was going to come out to Nevada (as usual), or when he could come to see her in New York to show her how to party.
It's basically driving me crazy at this point - all I want to do now, all the time, is go through her phone to see what she's saying to this guy. How do I confront this with her without seeming like a controlling boyfriend, especially given that she already told me how much she hated that Jim did the same thing about this same guy 4 years ago? I'm just really uncomfortable about this guy texting her all the time. I don't believe she's cheating at all, but at the same time, I'm feeing really really disrespected. What do I do?
Going into the bathroom & closing the door to talk to the guy she cheated on her ex with?
The guy who keeps telling her: "Basically, this guy Mike texts her like 10x a week, usually late at night, sending her pictures of what he's doing, telling her about the girls he's chasing, asking her to come out to Nevada and "play" with him, telling her to remember all the things he used to do to her in bed, etc. "
Yes, you have cause to be concerned. It sounds like she is cheating on you with him. In fact, it sounds like she's been cheating on you the entire time if she's stayed in contact with this dude throughout your entire relationship.
I just don't get it. She's been very up front and honest with me about a lot of things throughout our relationship, communicates very well with me, and is very understanding when there are issues. She's asked me about my exes, one of whom did contact me a couple of times, and told me it bothered her - I was very up front with her about it, told my ex that I no longer wanted to speak with her, and that was that. I guess I'm just looking for the same. Is that too much to ask? (And I don't mean that rhetorically - is it unreasonable for me to ask her not to talk to people I'm uncomfortable with?)
What part is it that you don't get? You have seen for youself the texts where he's speaking to her sexually and she's locking herself in the bathroom to talk to him in secret. You ahve seen for yourself she has stayed in touch with him the entire duration of your relationship. You have the knowledge that she cheated on her ex-boyfriend w/ him.
Sometimes we don't want to believe reality because it makes things uncomfortable. But denial is a motherf-cker. The sooner you accept what is going on, the better of you will be.
Don't stand for an open relationship where you are being played like this.
No, it's not too much to ask her to stop contact with him. But it sounds like you haven't asked her!
On the other hand, she has really poor boundaries. She is obviously trying to feed some need by having a guy on the side who pursues and admires her. This tells me she has low self esteem and is looking for validation through male attention. This does not bode well for a marriage.
I would let her know it is not acceptable to you that she is having private flirtatious text sessions with this guy. You guys are living together and are in a committed relationship. You have every right to let her know what works for you and what doesn't. Stand up for what you need!
Stop deluding yourself! This is, by definition, cheating behavior. I would re-evaluate whether you should be in this relationship. At a minimum. You need to have a calm confrontation with your GF. This activity is inappropriate in an exclusive relationship. All contact with this guy must stop and you need to see if you can re uild your trust.
Texts from ex 
