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Old 11-17-2008, 12:28 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

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Originally Posted by magicsunset08 View Post
She's having an affair or is contemplating one. Been there done that. The problem is if you question her and she has not made the step yet. You will drive her to have an affair. My wife quit having sex with me and told me she wanted to move out and get some space. Come to find out she was ver into a guy at work.. Be the provider and the father. Ask about someone else. I am sorry man. husbands and wives don't quit having sexual relations with their spouse and say that they are still attracted to them. She just is afraid to hurt you. Good luck
Sorry to hear what happened....did you every work it out with her? I asked if there was another and of coarse the answer was no.
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Old 11-17-2008, 12:35 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

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At minimum, it sounds as though she is missing an emotional connection with you. If she has felt this way for several months or years she may have filled this void with someone at work.

It doesn't necessarily mean an affair, but as Amp said, she may be involved in an emotional affair and not even realize it or consider it wrong.

I do think saying she still loves you and thinks you are a good husband, father, etc. but does not want any physical intimacy is odd. It doesn't mean she's 'getting that elsewhere' but it may mean she is having thoughts about someone else that have pushed her away from you.

Since she started this job, has she spoken of anyone in particular there? That could be another sign.

I know for me I need to feel emotionally close to my husband for the sexual desire to be there so if she has felt disconnected for some time, she may have just reached the point of not wanting to go through the motions.

If she does not want to talk pressing the issue may push her further away, but since she has suggested separation, maybe your approach should be from that angle...I've thought about your request for a separation and I'm struggling with the idea because I don't feel I fully understand your need to be alone. If you are feeling something is missing with us, I'd much rather focus on making changes within our marriage so you are feeling fulfilled.

She may feel she has already tried to get you to open up and feels 'spent' at this point, so the more understanding you are of where she is at the more likely she will open up about it.
she does talk about other guys at work were she even goes out with them on Thursday nights (that is there Friday night) but her work place is 60 guys and 3 girls so if she is to go out and relax after a week of work it will be with the guys....plus she added 3 of them to her cell phone.....you say not to press the issue which I admit I have been so I should just let her bring it up? I don't want to make her feel that I don't care.....Also I have told her numerous times that I don't understand and her response is that she has told me enough times already. Also claims I don't understand what she is telling me which I don't.
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Old 11-17-2008, 12:39 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

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Sorry to hear what happened....did you every work it out with her? I asked if there was another and of coarse the answer was no.
okay, i'm gonna ask you a question that my wife asked me awhile back. understand one of my traits was jealousy. and i wore it on my sleeve.

the question was: "have i EVER done ANYTHING to give you a reason to believe i would do anything to jeopardize this marriage?"

my truthful answer was "no." we are separated today (a choice of hers, she's justified, no adultery involved in her choice, and were working on reconciling), and i suppose there's some logic out there that says she's free to date, etc. anyone she wants and do anything she wants. now understand, i'm on a 6 month stretch of a newfound lifetime of sobriety, so there's some clarity in my thinking that i didn't posess before, but to this day she hasn't given me one ounce of a reason to believe she's been with anyone else.

so ask yourself that question.
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Old 11-17-2008, 12:42 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

the answer for me would be a strong "no" but her actions of late is not the person I have known for all these years. And it really hurts
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Old 11-17-2008, 12:53 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

Have you heard of/read the book The 5 Love Languages by Chapman? It is interesting that she doesn't believe you understand her and you also say that you don't. This book may shed some light as its base is finding out what makes you/your spouse feel loved. From your post, it sounds as though you do acts of service (helping around the house, with the kids) and gifts (flowers) to show your love but she may be needing 'words of affirmation' or something else and not feeling truely loved even though you are doing what you know to show it.

How are you with affection? Hugging, kissing, cuddling? Complimenting her? If those have been lacking she may feel you don't desire her (coupled with porn this can make a woman feel unloved)

If you have those things covered, I would guess it's just having close conversations...not the daily finances, kids, stuff but the sort of things you talk about when you dated her...For some, knowing their spouse is still interested in them, their hobbies, work, hopes and dreams makes them feel loved.

Just some things to consider.
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:20 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

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Also I have told her numerous times that I don't understand and her response is that she has told me enough times already. Also claims I don't understand what she is telling me which I don't.

For her to make this statement speaks volumes about where she is. She has disconnected from you. She feels she has been fighting for the marriage for some time and now she has given up. Self reflection is something you need to take time and do to try and come up with what she is missing. Attention, self worth, loved, admired…. All those things need to be thought about and if you think you know what some of it might be, speak with her about it. Show her you love her by action, not words. They are falling of deaf ears at this point. Listen to her, respect her, be there for her.
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:29 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

She is freaked out because she is having an affair! I was accused of lthe same thing. It is an excuse to put some of the blame on you. That is one thing that has hlped part of my "very slow" recovery, is I see that the pattern is all the same. If I can help someone with the problems similar to mine....I am all for it.
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:31 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

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Originally Posted by swedish View Post
Have you heard of/read the book The 5 Love Languages by Chapman? It is interesting that she doesn't believe you understand her and you also say that you don't. This book may shed some light as its base is finding out what makes you/your spouse feel loved. From your post, it sounds as though you do acts of service (helping around the house, with the kids) and gifts (flowers) to show your love but she may be needing 'words of affirmation' or something else and not feeling truely loved even though you are doing what you know to show it.

How are you with affection? Hugging, kissing, cuddling? Complimenting her? If those have been lacking she may feel you don't desire her (coupled with porn this can make a woman feel unloved)

If you have those things covered, I would guess it's just having close conversations...not the daily finances, kids, stuff but the sort of things you talk about when you dated her...For some, knowing their spouse is still interested in them, their hobbies, work, hopes and dreams makes them feel loved.

Just some things to consider.
I just got the book Friday "for men only" an understanding of how a female thinks and how a man responds to their thinking ....were it seems I was just trying to fix the problem not listening to the problem if that makes any sense..... I tell her all day I love her...always give her hugs and kisses and I love to cuddle......and I will always try to talk to her to see how her day is going.
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:32 PM   #24 (permalink)
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She is freaked out because she is having an affair! I was accused of lthe same thing. It is an excuse to put some of the blame on you. That is one thing that has hlped part of my "very slow" recovery, is I see that the pattern is all the same. If I can help someone with the problems similar to mine....I am all for it.
Then what do I do????
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:39 PM   #25 (permalink)
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For her to make this statement speaks volumes about where she is. She has disconnected from you. She feels she has been fighting for the marriage for some time and now she has given up. Self reflection is something you need to take time and do to try and come up with what she is missing. Attention, self worth, loved, admired…. All those things need to be thought about and if you think you know what some of it might be, speak with her about it. Show her you love her by action, not words. They are falling of deaf ears at this point. Listen to her, respect her, be there for her.
I don't know what she has given up on she never talked to me about anything that was bothering her except for she wants me to quit smoking.....I cant figure out what she is missing.....here are something I did for her the last couple of weeks ....she said on the phone that she was hungry so I took 3 hours to prepare a nice 6 course meal for her when she came home at 11:30 pm candle lit dinner where I was the waiter and she gave no reaction ......took her out for a nice dinner and a comedy show that she wanted to see and she was acting like she didn't want to be there...... this Friday we were going out to dinner and a movie and then dancing then at last minute she decided she wanted to go out with her friends so I asked her why and she said that she didn't want to have drinks with me because she didn't want alcohol to play a part in what her feelings might be for me, so I dug in a little more and she said that she just didn't want to have sex with me because of the alcohol and wants it to be on her terms?
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:42 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

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I just got the book Friday "for men only" an understanding of how a female thinks and how a man responds to their thinking ....were it seems I was just trying to fix the problem not listening to the problem if that makes any sense......
That makes a lot of sense...sounds like a good resource. That is one thing my husband and I have learned as well...I am better at saying "I don't need you to do anything, I just need to vent" and he is just there for me, listening and being supportive.

I think this is a fairly common issue.
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:52 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Thanks Swedish but now she doesn't want to talk at all so what do I do? I I really don't want to lose her!!!!
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Old 11-17-2008, 01:57 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

It is likely she has been telling you for some time what she needed but you missed it. Similar to how my marriage go into the condition it was in last year. While gallant and romantic the preparation of the meal is not what she is looking for. It is whatever the core problem that she sees or perceives in the marriage she’s looking for. Something in the communication is broken and she’s quit trying to address it. Again, self reflection is required. While the dating and spending time together is nice, it is probably the a deeper core issue. Respect, support, self worth… that she seeks. Some one in her work group is likely providing that for her.
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Old 11-17-2008, 02:03 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I agree with Amp....you need to figure out what she has been missing from you then commit to making those changes.

It sounds as though doting on her at this point may be too little too late in her mind. She may actually find your kind gestures annoying at this point.

Let's assume what she is missing is an emotional bond...someone who is interested in her day and supports her feelings (being sympathetic if someone bothered her at work today, etc.)

Then what you do from there is let her know you recognize that you haven't been there for her in this way and you realize how this must have made her feel and that you are commited to making changes to become a better husband, father....beyond that it's doing it...rehashing over and over will just stress her out more right now.
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Old 11-17-2008, 02:13 PM   #30 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Amplexor;26325]It is likely she has been telling you for some time what she needed but you missed it. Similar to how my marriage go into the condition it was in last year. While gallant and romantic the preparation of the meal is not what she is looking for. It is whatever the core problem that she sees or perceives in the marriage she’s looking for. Something in the communication is broken and she’s quit trying to address it. Again, self reflection is required. While the dating and spending time together is nice, it is probably the a deeper core issue. Respect, support, self worth… that she seeks. Some one in her work group is likely providing that for her.[/QUOT

Then I guess there is nothing that I can do then
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