Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?
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Old 11-17-2008, 08:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

Hello everyone I will try not to make this to long, so here it goes. A few weeks ago my wife told me that she still loves me loves me as a husband,provider and a dad. But does not want to have physical relations. She said that she is still attracted to me but doesn't want to have sex and feels like we should separate for a while because she feels that she needs to be alone for a while? We have been married for 3 years (together for 7) have 2 beautiful children (5 & 2) I am just so crushed and heart broken right now. This also started about 2 months ago and she just started a new job 3 months ago....Is there someone else? I am a good provider I work days she works nights. I do all the cooking cleaning take care of the kids help with the homework and always spoiling her with flowers and taking her where ever she wants to go....We never have a full out fight just disagreements and never raise our voice at each other. All our friends said that we had the perfect relationship until she hit me with this. I have been trying to give her space to think on what she wants but I am getting more frustrated because I want to talk about it and she doesn't even want to talk to me about it..... what do I do before I explode? I can't live every day like this!!!!
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Old 11-17-2008, 08:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

The timing of the job change and her telling you she no longer desires you physical intimacy is suspect. It may not be that she is physically involved with anyone but may be emotionally. Have you noticed any change in behavior online or in her cell phone use? Is she secretive or evasive? Are there some core issues in your marriage you can reveal to us? Communication, money, parenting….
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Old 11-17-2008, 08:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

I would be very suspicious. If she wants a separation she is at least contemplating something or someone else. Is she wanting to move out on her own? What about the kids?
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Old 11-17-2008, 09:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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The timing of the job change and her telling you she no longer desires you physical intimacy is suspect. It may not be that she is physically involved with anyone but may be emotionally. Have you noticed any change in behavior online or in her cell phone use? Is she secretive or evasive? Are there some core issues in your marriage you can reveal to us? Communication, money, parenting….

She has always cleared her call history on her phone everyday so I really cant tell about that ..... and on the core issues question there was never any problems she always said that i am not the best communicator since I don't talk about work with her (I cant I am an attorney) ......the only problems that I can possibly think of is a couple of years ago I was going onto alot of porn sites which I have stopped and she was complaining that I wanted to make love all the time ....which I am a guy so there is always never enough and she is just so beautiful I want to hold her all the time. I am an open book ask me anything and I will answer it
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Old 11-17-2008, 09:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I would be very suspicious. If she wants a separation she is at least contemplating something or someone else. Is she wanting to move out on her own? What about the kids?
See I always trusted her if she wanted to go out dancing or clubbing with her friends there was never a no ...I encouraged her to go out and have fun.....I think there has to be someone that she is talking to even if nothing has happened yet......and with the kids we talked Saturday night and I agreed if she went to stay with her mom the kids would stay with me since I am the one who picks them up from school and babysitter everyday anyway .....and she also told me that night that she realizes that she can not afford a place on her own since she only make $10 an hour ...so I don't want to be used just for the money aspect of this till she finds what she is looking for.
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Old 11-17-2008, 09:28 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Two items. Porn and communications. It is possible the porn had more of an impact then you think. When a spouse objects to the use of porn many times it is because they feel the porn is desired more then themselves. In many cases speaking from experience here, they may feel that the porn may have been brought to the bed. Fantasizing about it rather then her. On the communication just because you are an attorney doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your day. Office gossip, where you went to lunch and your work in general terms. Also, do you talk to her each evening about her day? Poor communications can leave a spouse feeling unwanted, uncared for and unimportant. I think poor communication is a common weak point for us men in general. That doesn’t mean it can’t be improved and now is the time to work on it. I would appeal to her sense of family and her instincts as a mother and ask her to start counseling with you for the sake of the family. If after some time (and it will take some) she still feels she wants to separate then you can take a look at that step. Why put the kids through this if you don’t need to? Again look for signs that she may be emotionally connected with some one else.
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Old 11-17-2008, 09:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Two items. Porn and communications. It is possible the porn had more of an impact then you think. When a spouse objects to the use of porn many times it is because they feel the porn is desired more then themselves. In many cases speaking from experience here, they may feel that the porn may have been brought to the bed. Fantasizing about it rather then her. On the communication just because you are an attorney doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your day. Office gossip, where you went to lunch and your work in general terms. Also, do you talk to her each evening about her day? Poor communications can leave a spouse feeling unwanted, uncared for and unimportant. I think poor communication is a common weak point for us men in general. That doesn’t mean it can’t be improved and now is the time to work on it. I would appeal to her sense of family and her instincts as a mother and ask her to start counseling with you for the sake of the family. If after some time (and it will take some) she still feels she wants to separate then you can take a look at that step. Why put the kids through this if you don’t need to? Again look for signs that she may be emotionally connected with some one else.
Since she started this job we don't get to talk as much as we used to since she is getting home at 11:30pm and I am well asleep when she gets home....I told her that is part of the problem that we are not connected like we used to be....I was working on it staying up and waiting for her to get home but I just cant do it all the time since I am in the office at 5 am. while I was typing this she called me and told me that I am checking up on her now since last night I was driving by her work with the kids from taking her to see their grand mom and put a note on her seat that said that I loved her. I couldn't get her to understand I just wanted to get her to smile .....now I really think that she has something going on at work if she is all paranoid about that.
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Old 11-17-2008, 09:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

what signs should I look for? Also I never mentioned that she is 10 years younger than me. She is 27
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Old 11-17-2008, 10:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

If she called just to tell you she feels like you are checking up on her that could be read two ways. If stopping by her place of work is not in your normal pattern then she could read this wrong. Or she may be paranoid because she does have something going on there. If this is a case of an EA then it is very possible she is not even aware how it could be damaging the marriage and her view of you. Since you have seen no activity that an EA exists, don’t over react to this. This was simply a suggestion by me because of the timing in her loss of deeper feelings for you. It might be something or it might not but you don’t have anything to solidly base a conclusion from. As far as what you might look for, the obvious. Being evasive, changes in patterns, spending more time away from the house…. None will likely give you a solid conclusion but look at all the behaviors. At this point she has not given you a true reason whey she feels the need for space. You have a right to know and the two of you should have a calm conversation so she can explain this to you so you can better understand. But also honor her request and don’t dote on her. Don’t continually bring it up. But she does owe an explanation as to why. There is something under the surface here.

OBTW your last post intrigues me. Are you insecure about the differences in your ages?
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Old 11-17-2008, 10:30 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

You could say that I am insecure of the age difference. I mean she is beautiful and I know she turns peoples heads as she walks into a room. I just don't know where this all came from and I want to believe in the worse case. All our conversations have been calm since I am trying not to push her away but she keeps telling me that she just needs some space ....If I give her that space i feel that I will go crazy because I feel I need to know what is going on!!!!
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Old 11-17-2008, 10:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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also I just noticed she took the key of her car off of my key chain!!!
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Old 11-17-2008, 10:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

maybe you leaving a note on her seat freaked her out. but it does add to the set of circumstances.
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Old 11-17-2008, 10:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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maybe you leaving a note on her seat freaked her out. but it does add to the set of circumstances.
That is exactly what she said that it freaked her out!!!! I used to stop by and put a rose on her seat and a card so I don't know why now it would "freak" her out
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Old 11-17-2008, 11:01 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

She's having an affair or is contemplating one. Been there done that. The problem is if you question her and she has not made the step yet. You will drive her to have an affair. My wife quit having sex with me and told me she wanted to move out and get some space. Come to find out she was ver into a guy at work.. Be the provider and the father. Ask about someone else. I am sorry man. husbands and wives don't quit having sexual relations with their spouse and say that they are still attracted to them. She just is afraid to hurt you. Good luck
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Old 11-17-2008, 11:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wants to be alone? What does that mean?

At minimum, it sounds as though she is missing an emotional connection with you. If she has felt this way for several months or years she may have filled this void with someone at work.

It doesn't necessarily mean an affair, but as Amp said, she may be involved in an emotional affair and not even realize it or consider it wrong.

I do think saying she still loves you and thinks you are a good husband, father, etc. but does not want any physical intimacy is odd. It doesn't mean she's 'getting that elsewhere' but it may mean she is having thoughts about someone else that have pushed her away from you.

Since she started this job, has she spoken of anyone in particular there? That could be another sign.

I know for me I need to feel emotionally close to my husband for the sexual desire to be there so if she has felt disconnected for some time, she may have just reached the point of not wanting to go through the motions.

If she does not want to talk pressing the issue may push her further away, but since she has suggested separation, maybe your approach should be from that angle...I've thought about your request for a separation and I'm struggling with the idea because I don't feel I fully understand your need to be alone. If you are feeling something is missing with us, I'd much rather focus on making changes within our marriage so you are feeling fulfilled.

She may feel she has already tried to get you to open up and feels 'spent' at this point, so the more understanding you are of where she is at the more likely she will open up about it.
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