General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married to the most amazing man for almost 2 years now and i love him very much, pretty much every aspect of our marriage is great and of course we have the odd tense times like any marriage,
We have 2 beautiful girls who are everything to us,
So you may ask what the problem is .???? considering some of the posts on her are a lot wosre than my issue...
The problem is we are both only 24, I had our first little girl at 19, and our second daughter is now 10months, so in a way i feel as though we are missing out well have missed out on the things we could have done ( now dont think i regret for a second having my daughter young as i would not change it for the world) but i am finding it hard to deal with the restrictions and accusing looks i get when people see me with 2 children.
People can assume things so quickl without even knowing the facts and this really makes me mad, i am finding it hard at school to relate to the other mothers for this very reason as they are a lot older than myself.
The other issue i face is that i feel pretty lonley at the mo, i am a stay at home mum because it has been to hard to find someone to pick our older daughter up from school and find care for my younger daughter, so i spend 6v days a week in my country home with only my husband and children to talk to ( i lost a lot of friends whenni became pregnant ( again the age thing)
So has anyone been in this situatio and how did u deal with it ? i really dont want to feel the way i do as it could take a toll on my marriage and thats the LAST thing i want.. any help would be great thanks
Hang in there. What you are doing for your kids is priceless. Daycare in most cases is not good for kids. In my opinion. My wife and I were married at 22 and had our first child. We missed out on some things. I had to work crappy jobs to make ends meet. My wife was a stay at home mom for 5 years! It has done aour kids wonders. It was very hard on our marriage. My wife felt insecure about not working. She got over it and eventually got real estate license and works another job also. You guys are doing the right thing. As far as the age thing goes. To hell with those people. I know alot of older really crummy parents! Make sure you and your hubby take time for each other. i remember on time early in our marriage, i had the kids stay at grandma's and my wife and I had candlelight dinner and danced in our living room. did not cost much, but very special. Those are the things that can keep a relationship. My wife and i have been together 15 years. Ups and downs, but still going. Keep it up. good luck.
with regards to accusing looks, let them look. reverse what you feel that they think of you, it might make you cope better.
i.e in your head, think they stare because there jealous or because they havent got what you have. let ppl assume.
you cant change them, only your own perceptions.
ok it might not b the reason. but you might be making yourself more aware because you feel to young.
having children at the ages you did, well it suited you.
i was 24 and 27 and that suited me.
as for the older mothers, again it comes down to their own issues.
they might envy that you had children younger.
there are alot of ifs , buts and maybes going on with you and thats fine. but try and learn these ifs , buts and maybes and assumptions dont matter.
i think simply try not to think to much.
the fact your feeling lonely wont help this matter.
i recently spoke to a colleague in work and she told me that my H and i forgot to spend time together. wrapped up in life and work and children and you forget to be a couple.
atleast once a month , try and be alone with your H. no children.
another time do stuff as a family.
I think it takes a while in life to live not being overly concerned with how "others" view you. A lot of that also is just what you yourself are projecting how other's view you. How do you know they arent saying "wow such a young mother who is so attentive to her children, I admire that so much".
I can save you the bother. I did a lot of things in my time, and although it was fun, nothing compares to the reality of being happily married which I have now.
It will be 20 years in August.
A lot of people think that being married is only fun for the first 2 or 3 years, maybe 5 at the most. But I can tell you that the last 5 have been the best, and the last 12 months has been the best ever of my whole life. Once I woke up, things started getting better. I nod off occasionally, but most of the time it's good.
If I can offer any advice at all, I would say never let anything come between you to diminish your sex life. Most people don't seem to realise that it's sexual attraction that brings people together in the first place, and it's sex that will keep them glued together for the long haul.
Most of the time it's the slow build-up of resentment that puts women of sex with their husbands, so it's important to stamp out the source of resentments the moment they are spotted.
As far as men are concerned, if you ever see a married man over 40 who smiles a lot, it's because he is getting lots of high quality sex at home. Yes it's that simple.
What you're feeling sounds very understandable considering the circumstances. I can't imagine not feeling that way! I'm in a very different position than you- I'm in my mid twenties, engaged, with no children. I probably won't have kids until my late twenties, and have had plenty of time to do the things I've wanted to do. I've travelled to different countries, different continents, I've partied hard and at some of the coolest places. I'm settling down now, and you know what? I still feel like I missed out on a lot. I have friends who travelled more, went out more, and are still going. I meet people who have more life experiences at our age than I can expect to have in a lifetime! The point - that feeling is relative and everyone has it. You have your whole life to experience things, not just your youth. Just think ahead to when your girls are independent (and you'll be pining away for the age they are at now ) You and your husband, who sounds fantastic, can use your early parenthood as an excuse to really make up for it in your older age! In the meantime, I'd try my hardest to have small experiences that suit your lifestyle. Roadtrips to new places (that are close enough to home!), a weekend get-away, or a day trip. Research your area and see what you can find! Try to think of the advantages of young parenthood too - there are lots of them! While all your friends have to retire late and be tied down until their fifties, you guys will already have the freedom of having older children. You'll be young grandparents and because you get the most physically challenging part of parenting over with young, you'll probably feel much better physically in your older age. I often regret that I'll probably end up having children in my late twenties because of all the advantages of having children young.
Being a young, engaged, attentive parent is rare in America these days. I've worked in daycares most parents gave their best years to "life experience" and their children get the leftovers. I think each disapproving look you receive from people should fuel your pride.
I think the most difficult thing you face is loneliness. That's hard, I can only imagine. I think these online forums are great, but they can only go so far. Remember that your girls are going to be so young and dependent for a short time. Three or four years is short in the grand scheme of things. Once they are more independent, you can venture out and carve out a area in your life for yourself. Remember it's temporary and try to appreciate it as much as you can, without being hard on yourself. What your feeling is very valid, so don't feel bad. One more thing! I wouldn't be afraid to share your feelings with your husband. For me, holding something in gives it more power. I'm sure he'll understand. I think it's sweet that you feel so bad for feeling the way you feel.
young and happily married married but....
Re: young and happily married married but....
