kiwolf

Ok, so i'm not sure exactly what to say here but I'll just be up front and blunt about my situation.

I'm married (have been for just about 3 yrs now) And just before my husband left for iraq i started to notice my marriage was starting to slip. But like all women, I tried to find out why my husband wasn't talking to me or being somewhat attentive to me. Well the day came he had to deploy. The thing is the communication just died. There was no honey how was your day. or honey i love you and i miss you. all i got from my husband was i want. He came home for leave and the first three days he tore me up sexually. So bad that i started to bleed. And then agian he started with the i want when I complained i hurt to much to have sex with him.. So he got his labtop, and of course what happened, right? Well he started paying attention to the computer more then me... and he was only home for two weeks.

So he goes back to iraq... and the I wants started agian.. I got to the point where I want was no longer in my dictionary. So I stopped listening and being available.

So he then comes back from a 13 month tour and of course I was happy to see him, but all of five minutes is what he spent with me. He disappeared, for some reason.. So we get all his gear in the car from the base.. I take it home and put it away and come back to get him.. we went out to eat .. but now here's the sad thing for me. Since the day he came home, it seems like everything has just gotten worse. And the more I try to talk to him about it, the more he pulls away ( like right now i'm in the bedroom and he's sleeping on the couch). He has stopped saying i love you, the communication issue is still there but getting worse and worse by each passing day. instead of answering me all he does is shrug his shoulders.

ok now i'm sure you gonna ask about sex right.?? He hasn't touched me in two weeks and anytime I ask for it I get a cold shoulder.

Our marriage counselor told me today that he's at this point not sure what he wants stage, he needs time for himself basically.
So now i'm trying to figure out what i can do to make this any better or if i should just jump ship. I'm not one who likes to feel emotionally drained, but right now i'm emotionally drained because you see i still love the man, even with everything we have been through. But I don't know if he loves me back anymore..

He talks to me about the things that need to be done. Had told me to put school off till later (well asking about it). He wants a new car, so he is talking about taking out a joint loan.. He has talked about having children since he's been home and buying a house when we get restationed.... But so far that's all i've heard.

I'm trying to give him space, as much as i can. But now I'm having problems with keeping myself busy enough to stay away. And I'm not even sure that's exactly the right approach to take. I'm ready a self help E-Book called What men can't resist. It has sorta helped but after the therapy appointment this morning, I'm starting to feel very hopeless.....

draconis

SOmetimes men after being in a war zone are changed for life. I come from a family that always served. My Grandfather couldn't deal with people in relationships after being a POW in WWII, My other grandfather was so badly hurt they said he'd never walk again. My father after his second tour of Nam couldn't handle being snuck up on or being awakened without fight or flight responce. It may be that your husband has much deeper issoes than just your relationship.

But as far as the relationship goes.

Sex- Men once they feel like they are rejected often do not persue it. Him being rough wasn't a good thing but, there should have been some good communications after.

The things he wants, seems to point to the fact he wants to be normal, and have a rock to support him.

No doubts your husband might have issues, but isn't it worth the effort to try before you run away from this? What will happen if you aways take the easy way out?

draconis

__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973

Pavlov

Hello Ki: I dont have any specific advice for you right now, but I want you to know that I feel for you and hope it all works out for the best. I have my own issues to work on w/ my wife.

At present, do you have any support network? Like friends or family you can talk to? I guess if I had a better network, I wouldnt be logged onto a forum, huh? But still, that is one place to look for help. Or if there is any counseling provided by the military or maybe through local clinics or anywhere. Having people to talk to helps a lot.

Anyhow good luck and maybe you can read my thread and we can commiserate?

MarkTwain

kiwolf-

We don't know the full story of your marriage, but I think deployment in Iraq says it all. Can you imagine how stressful that was? Being on the point of death for weeks on end.

I imagine that when he came back, he was not only horny, but using sex as a drug to try and f**k the fear and dread out of his system. His main mistake was not to have bought you a big tube of KY jelly.

Despite the fact that he has treated you despicably, I think you would gain the most by apologising for not understanding his state of mind that last time when he came back.

Again, I am not condoning what he did, but a man can only take so much, and he will have been hearing about people close to him being wounded and tortured every day. If you want to get into the mindset, watch a movie where someone is in that position - but I warn you, it won't do you any good.

In short, I guess he has PTSD.

kiwolf

The only thing i have ever heard from my husband about Iraq is the fact that all they did over there was patrols, handing out soccerballs and tee shirts... He stated that the patrols where boring and there wasn't much going on. But I do think that there may have been a trigger that may have switched on the on position since he's been there.

And i'm not leaving. If I did i would be wrong.. But you see i love my husband something feirce and would rather try to work it out then take off. I'm in what's known as the flight or fight period. And i can't say i haven't thought about flight.. But i've reached a point in my life where flight is no longer an option. If you want something bad enough you have to fight for it no matter what.

So far what i get back from him when we do talk is things like "we need to take out a joint loan". But I also sat down with him about 30 mins ago and told him a few things i've noticed about myself. Things that i am in the process of fixing for myself.
for example.. i have a fear of feeling or being alone. it's a learned be havoir that i learned back while i was going through the neglect and the abuse from my parents. and i'm working on it.
Like not paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth and stepping over a boundry I normally never would step acrost. I'm working on that one too.

So i have alot going on in my head. But tonight has helped me think alot about what i've done, what I need to change. And maybe that will help to.

MarkTwain

The fact that he hardly mentions Iraq is indicative of him having suppressed it. I was talking about the first time, when he came back and tore you.

Remember the power of negotiation. If you agree to a car loan, he has to agree to your needs. Do not give him kids until he has sorted himself out.

kiwolf

I wouldn't dare bring kids into this until it's settled. Because it's unfair to the kids.

kiwolf

I alo need to know if telling him i'm not going anywhere helps or hurts? See he's got a 30 day block leave. 2 weeks of it will be spent with me and tao weeks will be spent in his home town.. Something like that anyways.

MsVictoria

Hi Ki! I'm a lurker, and decided to post today just for you.


My husband and I are a dual-military couple. I'm on my way out though. We've been married five years, and through multiple deployments for each of us. This Christmas will be the first time we've been home together in two years. Yikes!


I just wanted to offer up a bit of advice and let you know that what you and your husband are going through is nothing new, and you guys are not abnormal. HOWEVER, you could be handling it better. I always share my insight with my male peers as a wife, and a lot of them say it helps them when they get home to their families.

First and foremost, your husband is not the same man who left you over a year ago. YOU will have to adjust to that, just as he is having to adjust to a normal life again. PTSD is crippling, and so are deployments. No matter how big and strong he is, your husband right now is feeling like a 10 year old boy dumped in a land of strangers and left to fend for himself. Plain and simple, your expectations of him are too high right now.

Men are not hardwired to navigate tough situations like women are. They don't have that level of awareness, nor do they have the ability to adapt as readily. The day we stepped off the plane back onto American soil, my female peers and I had our things taken care of within a matter of a week and it was business as usual. The men... not so much. It took a good six months for them to stop having that dazed n' confused look on their face and learn how to be self-sufficient. As a squad leader, I can tell you I dealt with many an irate wife who just couldn't understand why her husband wasn't 'like he used to be', and these poor guys didn't know why they were in so much trouble. I had to explain that their wives were not me, and couldn't read their minds, nor had they ever done this job. It wasn't like my husband and I who have this experience in common. We have a totally different understanding of things, but that doesn't mean it isn't tough.

Half the problem was that they didn't talk. Wives and families would sidestep talking about deployment. Soldier got the impression that they wouldn't want to know, or didn't care so he stayed quiet. They in turn thought he didn't want to say anything. Ask him flat out. Tell him you want to know, and even if he declines, make sure he knows you're there for him whenever and wherever and you'll try your best to understand.

He can't give you that 50% input you want right now hun and it's not his fault. Don't say it, but gently take the reigns back and just handle everything the way you've been doing for over a year. He will come back to you. Slower than you probably want, but he'll get there. Right now just take care of him, set boundaries, and above all make him feel safe. I know it sucks to feel like mom instead of wife, but that's what he needs right now. He needs superwoman to assure him that everything is okay, and you've got to be that even if you're unsure or scared. I know you can do it.

Both of you being cold to each other isn't going to make anything better. He doesn't understand why you're upset, and he's scared and trying to adjust ontop of that so he's shutting down. You guys can take this opportunity to get to know each other all over again and treat it like a honeymoon, or you can live like strangers and pass like ships in the night until you get used to each other again. I prefer the first option.

Try this: When he gets home, don't say anything. Just give him a long, BIG hug and a kiss. Look into his eyes and tell him how much you love him and then just leave it at that. Once he's gotten his boots off and is relaxing watching TV or something, sit near him and hold his hand, or if he seems open to it, just smile at him then snuggle up and rest your head on his shoulder.

One of you has to break the ice, or your marriage is going to fail. Might as well be you since at this point he probably doesn't know how to approach you.

I wish you both the best of luck, and don't be too hard on him okay? It's a crappy life sometimes, but we signed up for it when we said 'I Do.' You guys are going to be alright.

lola09

You sound like my story exactly. The first year he made me quit my job, no school. When he deployed I went back home hoping to go to school. He said no because he didn't trust me.

Now he's back and currently on block leave. Two days ago he told me I should just go home because he can't deal with my sensitivity and he feels like he can't do anything without me being right there next to him. He isolated me from my friends and family the first year so he was all I had, now he wonders why I'm so afraid to be alone and why I'm clinggy.

The sex thing, yea he tried to "make things work" by throwing out my birth control and having sex with me the day before he gave me the whole I wanna be by myself speech. I'm waiting for him to get home from what was supposed to be our anniversary vacation on Monday. Hopefully he had a change of heart, I hope to God he did. I love him so much and I don't wanna lose him.