General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi, I haven't posted on here in quite some time but looking for a little advice on a situation I'm in currently.
My husband and I were having a disagreement that was slowly heading towards an argument. My husband left and drove away at the end without a word. He called me a bit later and said my last comment was needlessly melodramatic and expected a groveling apology before he would even consider coming home. I explained to him that I understand he is upset and if he feels like he can't be around me then that's what I guess he should do but I was not going to respond to an ultimatum like this as I feel like I did nothing but express my opinion. He said okay and hung up.
To me, the whole thing seems over the top, so what I'm wondering if this is perhaps because he's looking for an excuse to leave? It's true, that I could easily apologize and maybe he'd come home but I'm not sure I want him to think that he can blackmail me into an apology. He's always been quite trigger happy when it comes to threatening to leave/leaving for short amounts of time but seems even more so now.
Hi, I haven't posted on here in quite some time but looking for a little advice on a situation I'm in currently.
My husband and I were having a disagreement that was slowly heading towards an argument. My husband left and drove away at the end without a word. He called me a bit later and said my last comment was needlessly melodramatic and expected a groveling apology before he would even consider coming home. I explained to him that I understand he is upset and if he feels like he can't be around me then that's what I guess he should do but I was not going to respond to an ultimatum like this as I feel like I did nothing but express my opinion. He said okay and hung up.
To me, the whole thing seems over the top, so what I'm wondering if this is perhaps because he's looking for an excuse to leave? It's true, that I could easily apologize and maybe he'd come home but I'm not sure I want him to think that he can blackmail me into an apology. He's always been quite trigger happy when it comes to threatening to leave/leaving for short amounts of time but seems even more so now.
No one should ever feel blackmailed into an apology because there is no reason not to apologize in the first place. Just do it, it's simple, it's free, it's effective and it's really easy, especially if you've had as much practice as I have.
If you are experiencing responses that are way out of proportion to the situation at hand, this is another problem that will not be solved by a conflict over whether or not to apologize. Threatening to leave is problematic and qualifies as emotional abuse. Is there drinking involved here or in your husband's family of origin?
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Re: Is he looking to leave?
Threatening to leave/leaving during every argument or disagreement is just childish.
You certainly have a right to ask him to engage with you in a more adult manner in the future.
If my girlfriend told me she was sleeping with someone, THAT would be something I would leave for a while over. If she was telling me she didn't like my cooking or the way I cleaned up after myself, etc.... I think I could manage to talk about it without resorting to emotional blackmail.
No one should ever feel blackmailed into an apology because there is no reason not to apologize in the first place. Just do it, it's simple, it's free, it's effective and it's really easy, especially if you've had as much practice as I have.
If you are experiencing responses that are way out of proportion to the situation at hand, this is another problem that will not be solved by a conflict over whether or not to apologize. Threatening to leave is problematic and qualifies as emotional abuse. Is there drinking involved here or in your husband's family of origin?
Like I said, I could have easily apologized, and you're right in that it's simple and free. I guess it just didn't feel right at the time.
I didn't give much info on the argument itself or what was said, etc. I guess it was just an off night for us, it all started because I asked what was up because he seemed to snap at me whenever I asked him something/said something to him and in general, I felt he was being very mean for a reason unknown to me. His response was that he was stressed out and I should have realized that. He said he wasn't being mean or snapping but even if he was, I should understand and just get over it.
My last comment to him was something along the lines of "It doesn't seem like you care how it makes me feel" at which point he left. What he wanted me to apologize for was bringing up how I felt about the way he was acting around me, which is why I was hesitant (and resistant). Perhaps that doesn't excuse it, but that was my reasoning at the time.
Why should you apologize for how you felt? Anyway, about the "looking to leave" thing... I can only offer my experiences with my husband as he use to do this ALL the time! Come to find out, he WAS looking for an excuse to leave so he could go smoke pot at a buddies house... I didn't allow pot in my house. Whole other topic all together though. But just wanted to let you know that my H was looking to leave at the drop of a hat back then.
. He's always been quite trigger happy when it comes to threatening to leave/leaving for short amounts of time but seems even more so now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightshade
He said he wasn't being mean or snapping but even if he was, I should understand and just get over it.
My last comment to him was something along the lines of "It doesn't seem like you care how it makes me feel" at which point he left. What he wanted me to apologize for was bringing up how I felt about the way he was acting around me, which is why I was hesitant (and resistant).
Why apologize for how you feel? He wants you to give him a groveling apology because you've expressed to him you are feeling invalidating? Seriously?
Does he do this alot? With how you feel? Hold your feelings over your head as emotional blackmail? You have a right to feel happy/mad/glad/sad/unappreciated.
Sit him down and talk to him. Really get to the nitty gritty about how you feel like he makes you feel he doesn't care. List all the ways. Hopefully he will listen to you and at minimum, empathize with you and commit to stopping doing what he does to make you feel unheard.
Your needs matter just as his do. If he takes off at the end of every argument, then it sounds like you're married to a baby.
Hi, I haven't posted on here in quite some time but looking for a little advice on a situation I'm in currently.
My husband and I were having a disagreement that was slowly heading towards an argument. My husband left and drove away at the end without a word. He called me a bit later and said my last comment was needlessly melodramatic and expected a groveling apology before he would even consider coming home. I explained to him that I understand he is upset and if he feels like he can't be around me then that's what I guess he should do but I was not going to respond to an ultimatum like this as I feel like I did nothing but express my opinion. He said okay and hung up.
To me, the whole thing seems over the top, so what I'm wondering if this is perhaps because he's looking for an excuse to leave? It's true, that I could easily apologize and maybe he'd come home but I'm not sure I want him to think that he can blackmail me into an apology. He's always been quite trigger happy when it comes to threatening to leave/leaving for short amounts of time but seems even more so now.
I think you handled that just right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightshade
Like I said, I could have easily apologized, and you're right in that it's simple and free. I guess it just didn't feel right at the time.
I didn't give much info on the argument itself or what was said, etc. I guess it was just an off night for us, it all started because I asked what was up because he seemed to snap at me whenever I asked him something/said something to him and in general, I felt he was being very mean for a reason unknown to me. His response was that he was stressed out and I should have realized that. He said he wasn't being mean or snapping but even if he was, I should understand and just get over it.
My last comment to him was something along the lines of "It doesn't seem like you care how it makes me feel" at which point he left. What he wanted me to apologize for was bringing up how I felt about the way he was acting around me, which is why I was hesitant (and resistant). Perhaps that doesn't excuse it, but that was my reasoning at the time.
No drinking involved at all.
So let me get this straight, he was snapping and being a jerk then got mad and left when you objected to being treated that way? Wow. Good for you for standing up for yourself and not taking any crap. That is not the way a mature person handles stress. It does sound like maybe he was looking for an excuse to leave.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
Why apologize for how you feel? He wants you to give him a groveling apology because you've expressed to him you are feeling invalidating? Seriously?
Does he do this alot? With how you feel? Hold your feelings over your head as emotional blackmail? You have a right to feel happy/mad/glad/sad/unappreciated.
Sit him down and talk to him. Really get to the nitty gritty about how you feel like he makes you feel he doesn't care. List all the ways. Hopefully he will listen to you and at minimum, empathize with you and commit to stopping doing what he does to make you feel unheard.
Your needs matter just as his do. If he takes off at the end of every argument, then it sounds like you're married to a baby.
Is he looking to leave? 
