Should I get out before starting school or stick through it?

Confused32 · 08-11-2011, 08:42 PM

I've been seeing a personal therapist and working through some of my issues- one of them being codependency. I'm a young intelligent woman and I need to build my self esteem. I don't need a man to get me through life and I certainly don't need to be with someone who cannot make me happy and give me what I need in a relationship. My husband is immature, has ADHD, is in the military etc and yes I knew all of these things before marrying him and it was just a mistake quite frankly. I should've enforced my boundaries instead of willingly going into a marriage that was doomed from the start. I'm trying to work on being honest with myself and honestly I'm not happy.
I'm supposed to start graduate school in a few weeks. I have no job, no car of my own, no money saved up. We live in a small one bedroom apartment. Graduate school is full time and I'm taking out loans for it. I can't work because of the schedule and I also dont have a vehicle anyway. Without being married I dont see how I could go. Should I just stick around for the next year to get my Masters degree or should I just give up the benefits that come along with marriage and try to make a life for myself with my Bachelor degree? He said I could stay here if we weren't together and stuff, but that is an uncomfortable and awkward situation. Any thoughts?

dojo · 08-11-2011, 09:51 PM

Phew, that's hard. If you can 'drag' it a little more, than it would be wise to finish school, so that you can at least have some ground to stay. Having a diploma can really help you with your future, especially since now school is too demanding for a job and you have already loaned money for it. From a professional stand point this would be the thing to do.

You can also try see your relationship and understand what's not working. If there's anything to salvage, you can at least try in this time, if not, make sure you have a clean civilized break.

alphaomega · 08-11-2011, 11:23 PM

Hmmm. Sticking around just to make YOUR life easier while going to school seems a little harsh. And a bit selfish. Especially if your big game plan is to land that masters job after graduation, then basically dump you husband.

I don't know your history of your situation though. Maybe this is a reasonable solution between you and your mate.
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regular_guy · 08-11-2011, 11:37 PM

I say stick it out for a year if you can, just don't have any kids. It would be a really bad situation to have debt from a degree you didn't finish.

roamingmind · 08-12-2011, 06:59 AM

You can always apply to work partime on campus. Rent a place nearby campus --- you can share with other people. Sticking around won't do you any good; if you want to get out of the situation and be happy with yourself, self-dependence is first step.

I agree with Alpha, to stay to get your degree and then break up with him is selfish ; though your hubby offered, you don't need take it unless you still want to work on the relationship. Otherwise, it's not fair to him or yourself. But that's just me, you know your siuation best.

Plus, graduate school usually takes 2 years, can you finish in a year?

BigBadWolf · 08-12-2011, 07:42 AM

Although I am never one to sugarcoat our own human selfish desires, deceitfully using another person is not admirable.

Why not be honest with your husband on the state of the relationship?

Also your statement that he can not "make me happy" and "give me what I need" in relationship sounds a bit dodgy. What's going on?

But I will say this, my brutal honest assesment, you say you "don't need a man to get you through life" but your post is contradictory.

What can you do to bring consistency between your words and your situation?

Confused32 · 08-12-2011, 11:19 AM

I just don't know what to do anymore. We had a lot of issues before and finally I suggested he get evaluated for ADHD. When he started that process I thought things would change but they really didn't. He went on one medication which helped him focus and be more productive but he got really angry and mean and he snapped one day and ended up in jail. So he got off of that medication and went onto another and now he's pretty much acting the same as he used to. We went to a few marriage/relationship classes separately and together and they gave me a little hope but didn't change much in our relationship. We went to a marriage counseling session and it was kind of embarrassing. We sound like a train wreck. This week, I got surgery and I was really counting on him to be there for me (hence him being in the military I am nowhere near family and friends). He physically was there before and during the surgery, but after he didn't do much. He went back to work. He didn't walk my dog for me or buy me a get well card or anything. I figured either a present or attentiveness would be suffice, but I basically got neither. I'm just at my wit's end with the whole relationship. He said I could stay here and go to school but I would feel wrong about that Im not really one to use people and thats basically what I would be doing. But, realistically, I don't have a car, money, job etc. so I don't really have a choice but to accept the favor. I dont know what to do really.

magnoliagal · 08-12-2011, 01:14 PM

The guy ended up in jail? Oh yeah this is the kind of guy we want to be nice to and protect. I don't think so.

I say do whatever you have to in order to support yourself when you have to leave. Survival of the fittest and don't feel bad about it one bit.

Blanca · 08-12-2011, 11:37 PM

Stick it out until the end of your graduate program. You've told him upfront so you aren't using him- he knows and agreed so he's ok with it. If it becomes intolerable you can always leave. But just give it a try and see how it goes.