General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
If I were in your shoes, I would look into MC. Too many people think it is only for those who's relationships are in trouble. It is not. It can help you connect in ways most couples, even those who seem happy, can't even comprehend. This level of connection does not come naturally, they don't teach it in school, and you can't expect to learn it from your parents because chances are they can't comprehend it either.
I had a friend who started MC from the moment they married and I thought the idea was ridiculous. Now, I view him as probably the smartest person I ever met.
Do His Needs Her Needs together. Part of this besides becoming better aware of each other's needs is to define, agree upon and set boundaries. Having agreed upon boundaries will help prevent much of the drama that you see on this forum.
There are no garantees. You have to work at keeping the passion going. Some say you need at least 15 quality hours together a week. Tough to fit into schedules. I suggest you make sure that the time you spend together has priority or over friends and family. Having friends and hobbies are good. But not at the expense of your spouse. As long as the marriage is the #1 priority you should be able to have a good balance.
Understand though that having children will cause you to make choices in your time and energies. Finances too. Make sure your spouse is your #1 priority even after kids arrive. Few do this. The kids take everything and the marriage suffers. So many affairs seem to happen after a couple of kids.
Ultimately you need to do what ever is needed so that you and your spouse do not fall into the friend zone. i.e. you love each other but are not passionate for each other.
COMMUNICATION!!! I know, I know, everyone says that that is the most important thing - IT IS! You need to understand each other and to try not to keep secrets from each other.
At the same time you need to respect each other's space - I had a friend who's girlfriend would constantly hack into his e-mail or any other account he had without his permission and in secret. Besides that being despicable behavior, it was a violation of his trust and his privacy because she assumed he was keeping secrets, which probably motivated him to keep secrets from her and to have a place she couldn't violate... needless to say, that relationship didn't last long.
So - communication and respect are at the top! Lay down some basic rules for what is considered disrespectful to both of you and save yourselves a lot of grief. A lot of times we act without thinking about how it will affect the other because we are ignorant to our transgressions - keeping in mind communication and respect will help prevent these things.
Transparency. There are no secrets in a good marriage. No expectation of PRIVACY. i.e. you shound have access to each others email, facebook and so on. We are not talking boy friend / girl friend. We are talking marriage. BIG difference. A whole other level of comittment. If one partner needs a lot of SPACE, then they shopuld not be married. That said you don't want to have oneitis either. Like most things in life there are shades of gray. The extremes are generally bad.
So the whole transparency thing needs to be discussed. A spouse not willing to share this is a real red flag. Also keep in mind that lying by omission is still a lie. So leaving out details because you think your spouse might disapprove is a real problem.
If I were in your shoes, I would look into MC. Too many people think it is only for those who's relationships are in trouble. It is not. It can help you connect in ways most couples, even those who seem happy, can't even comprehend. This level of connection does not come naturally, they don't teach it in school, and you can't expect to learn it from your parents because chances are they can't comprehend it either.
I had a friend who started MC from the moment they married and I thought the idea was ridiculous. Now, I view him as probably the smartest person I ever met.
So what did your friend and their spouse talk about at the meetings? If there arent any problems in the marriage, what would be the topics of discussions? Posted via Mobile Device
This means your marriage comes before family, friends, college, careers, even yourself.
I agree that marriage comes before everything else in your life. But your marriage shouldnt be your whole life. You need to love and take care of yourself before you can love and take care of your spouse. I dont know if I agree with him coming before me. Maybe with considering his feelings, but I would ensure I am happy and healthy before I can do that for him. I dont know if thats what were referring to or not. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree that marriage comes before everything else in your life. But your marriage shouldnt be your whole life. You need to love and take care of yourself before you can love and take care of your spouse. I dont know if I agree with him coming before me. Maybe with considering his feelings, but I would ensure I am happy and healthy before I can do that for him. I dont know if thats what were referring to or not. Posted via Mobile Device
HE doesn't come before you. The MARRIAGE comes before either of you. There is a difference.
As for what to discuss in MC if there are no problems, you talk about each other and how you feel in the marriage. I am not suggesting a weekly session, more like once a month in your case. No couple is completely happy all the time. Discuss disagreements or other times when you didn't see eye to eye. The idea is to improve communication, provide you both with insight into your feelings about each other, and just learning how to improve your relationship. It's just a thought.
Understand the concept of emotional needs.
In the beginning of a relationship, no one needs to 'work' at anything. But in time the newness wears off. That's when it's important to put effort into making the other person feel loved. And, the most important thing I ever learned is what makes me feel loved is not the same thing as what makes my wife feel loved. The secret to marriage is both partners taking pleasure in doing acts that make their spouse feel loved and appreciated. You take pleasure into doing acts for your spouse because of the joy and happiness it brings into your own heart. If you are both operating this way you will have a great life that so few people ever attain.
His Needs / Her Needs or the 5 Love Languages are great books to understand these concepts.
The two of you might consider an agreement that the D-word (divorce) will never, ever be used unless the every next action involves calling a lawyer. Don't use it as a threat, or even a thermometer of your feelings.
Through the use of a therapist, come to a concise agreement on issues like privacy (internet, phone, etc), finances and spending, health and even weight gain, and a committment that intimacy and sex should be something that is fulfilling for both of you, and never used as a threat or payment. The husband should especially understand that sex doesn't apply to what happens in the bed. It is about how he shows that he prefers you, pursues, and takes care of himself physically. It doesn't make you want it if he just tries to be nice. You understand that his needs can go deeper too.
My wife and I went through months of pre-marital counseling about these topics, and we both really benefitted from a structured approach to dealing with long term issues.
Wow these are really great advice. Thank you guys so much. I already feel like a better wife!!
I especially liked Hicks's point on feeling loved and appreciated. It is very different for men and women (also every individual is different). I tell my husband a dozen times a day I love him. And vice versa. But it definitely needs to be shown and felt. Actions speak louder. I will take all your pointers and better myself as a wife. I will also share your great advice with my husband.
Halien, I really liked your point about divorce. Thats not a word that should be thrown around. My husband and I have said divorce is not an option. We will work through it all (hopefully). Of course that may be easier said than done. But I think if the mindset is "no divorce" then theres no exit. We will fight and make up. I dont know if anyone else may use that too. But thats something we both like and agree on. Posted via Mobile Device
Halien, I really liked your point about divorce. Thats not a word that should be thrown around. My husband and I have said divorce is not an option. We will work through it all (hopefully). Of course that may be easier said than done. But I think if the mindset is "no divorce" then theres no exit. We will fight and make up. I dont know if anyone else may use that too. But thats something we both like and agree on. Posted via Mobile Device
After a few years, it takes really hard work, at times, to stay connected. That's usually when one begins to say, "I'm not sure that I love you anymore." Our gut reaction to these types of feelings was that we needed to work harder, because divorce was something we both agreed that would only apply to infidelity or intentional negligence or our marriage covenant. I think some people begin to think that it is no longer worth it, instead. I'm not saying that divorce is never an option, but we just agreed that working harder was the normal option, and that these negative feelings were usually transient.
My wife and I married young, at 21. We have now been married almost 11 years. Marriage is a wonderful thing if you work at it.
I will say the first few years of marriage their tends to be more insecurities. It is young love. Love when it matures trusts more. So don't allow the fact that you are newly married to make you not trust your mate. I say always trust until someone gives you a reason not too. But know that you might be a little more insecure at first.
As for finances, we share ours, and I personally feel it is the way to go. But I know many healthy married couples who keep their money seperate. But either way, you must come up with a plan that is fair and open. Communication is vital, as is sticking with a budget and a plan for the future. Keep your financial goals in front of you and talk about them so you don't lose focus.
But my biggest advice is this - communicate often and make your mate your best friend. Even though alone time and time with your friends is still necessary, do as much as you can together. Still go on dates, be a little daring and naughty for your husband on occassion, be spontaneous sometimes. Keep things fresh.
And always remember that life is full of ups and downs. Expect them. They will be hard, but know that together it makes it easier to deal with.
Does Anyone Have Any Advice For Newlyweds? 
