Am I too Young For This?
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Old 08-16-2011, 04:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My husband and I met throught the military during training.He's 21 and im 20. We fell in love and have been together almost 2 years and married for almost a yr now. When we first started dating, he told me he had a son and I always told myself I didnt want to date anyone with kids considering im only 20. But I looked past that and thought we could make it work. He then told me about a little girl whose mother claimed he was the dad and he had been taking care of her then she turned around and said he wasnt, so he stopped. May i remind you, he has no dna tests for either one. I lived in az and he lived in tx before we moved in together so i flew to meet his family. We all seemed to get along. i got pregnant. Last october, he told me some girl he went to college with text him and told him he had a 10 month old daughter which made me livid. First off why just now tell him. And instead of doing things the correct way his mom and family started claiming her before he even got the chance to take a dna test. We went down to tx late october and as soon as we got there, his mother had the baby over at the house along with the babymomma and this all was still very fresh for me. I didnt go in and speak and he had gone in for about 10 min. I was pissed because i felt like his mother was being messy. Yes its her house but she could have them over anytime but just so happen that when we come out there they're over there. And i had to find out through facebook that he was taking pictures with the little girl and he lied to me about all of that. He had been texting the mother of the child as well being inappropriate and telling her not to mention their past to me. So that made me not like her because she knew he was married. I found out he had also been texting his ex but he claimed its because he was insecure but thats not an excuse. I officially moved to KY in with him and things became rocky. His mother and i weren't getting along and she's always getting involved in our marriage. I understand thats his mother, but she gets out of line and he needs to correct her, because im his wife and I come first. She wasn't even there for him growing up. All yr we had planned to go az for christmas with my family considering part of family was flying in from the east coast and all his family is in tx. At the last minute he decided to drive to tx and have his pregnant wife fly alone. I found out he was taking the little girl around town to meet his family, not even knowing if she was his or not. Come christmas eve i miscarried. I was so stressed out worrying about what he was doing and he had been with another baby while i lost mine. And till this day i've never forgiven him for that. Up until this june his mother and i were still on bad terms and she had said mean things about my family who she's never even met. She had been discussing my and her sons relationship with the acclaimed baby mother and the girl had said some things about me to his mom which is out of line to begin with, but his mom just agreed. I've always told him if the kids are yours you need to take care of them, but until you know for sure by getting a dna test there will be no contact, but he kept telling people that i said he cant take care of his kids which is a lie. Hes telling his mom things about me that arent true which is where most of her and my problems come from. He also runs back and tells her every argument we have which is annoying because conversations you have between husband and wife are between husband and wife.
Test results finally came back and the girl is his. But our agreement was he is talk on the phone in front of me because they had been calling each other everyday while hes at work around the same time and thats strange to me. And no 8 month old can really say much so him being on the phone for 10 min is not flying with me, because if hes really just talking to the baby there should be no problems talking in front of me and he blew up on me about that. We argue about this almost everyday, he doesnt seem to care. He wants me to get pregnant but at this point if hes 21 with 3 possible kids and he wants one by me? Doesnt seem right and i dont get along his family or those girls and want nothing to do with the kids because of everything ive gone through. I keep trying to make our marriage work but its starting to feel like a lost cause. There is no talking to him, hes always the victim. I just need some type of advice, im literally losing my mind. And i still left parts of the story out....HELP!

Last edited by dazed&confused003; 08-16-2011 at 08:51 PM. Reason: typos
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Old 08-16-2011, 04:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I too Young For This?

I only read the first quarter of this, and from that I would say run as fast as you possibly can
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I've heard that plenty of times, idk why I keep insisting on making it work...
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Old 08-16-2011, 06:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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To answer your question...yes you're too young to be dealing with this.

Im sorry about your miscarriage. Was he at all sorry for missing that incredibly difficult moment?

Also, there shouldnt be any secrets in a marriage. If he cannot talk with that girl's mother infront of you then I would question the relationship between your husband and her. Only the guilty blow up, so get to the bottom of it.

Oh, and you two having a baby now would probably not be the best time. Your marriage has to be strong before adding a baby to it.

Point is, this is a very hard situation for any of us to comprehend. But if he cannot be honest and upfront about everything between him and the mothers of his children, then he is most likely hiding something. Also, I would bring up him telling his mother everything about your relationship. Including family in marital conflicts is a huge no no. Talk to him about it and make sure he understands.

Communication is key. Start from there. Dont let his temper tantrums stop you from expressing your feelings.
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Old 08-16-2011, 06:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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He "claimed" he was upset and sorry that he wasnt there for me, but he doesnt get that it still has an effect on me.

And I completely agree about the situation with the girls, I've expressed to him how I feel about that but he doesnt seem to grasp that, maybe he just doesnt care.

I keep telling himwe dont need to have a baby because im not bringing a child into this world especially with all of these issues, it wouldnt be fair.

And his mother just makes things worse i dont get why he feels the need to tell her everything, there's things i dont tell my family because they dont need to know everything. She's way too involved in our marriage. And i keep telling him that, he does nothing to change that.

I really appreciate your advice, it means a lot!
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Old 08-16-2011, 07:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Get out and get out now! A man who doesn't take care of the kids he already has and doesn't stand by his WIFE who miscarried isn't worth pissing on if he was on fire.
You do not want a husband who at 21 has 3 (possible) babies and wasn't there for YOU when you needed him. This man is like Teflon. Nothing sticks! He can't care for his kids because of you, he was forced to be a daddy, he is the wounded party, blah, blah, blah. Get rid of the bum.
You seem really smart. Do not bring a child in to this world with this man. He has already shown you that he lacks character, responsibility and trust. Believe me when I say if you get pregnant, he will do to you what he has done to the 3 others when times get tough. He is the victim, remember?
Oh and FWIW, if that is your real photo, well, simply put.....you are GORGEOUS and have a hell of a lot going for you. Why on EARTH would you settle for a 21 year old loser who blames everybody else for his inability to be a man?!
File for an annulment. I know that sounds flip but I am not trying to be. I too was pregnant at 20 and yeah, had he done to me what your husband did to you, bye. Trust broken, fear that you will never be able to depend on him when you need it, inability to man up to his responsibilities, lying, making excuses, letting his family mistreat you. I truly see nothing good in this man and I am so very sorry you are going through what you are.

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Old 08-16-2011, 07:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Honestly, the things you just said have been things circulating in my mind for a long time now. It hurts to say, but you're right. It just sucks that I've given up so much and tried everything to fix this, but it's just not working. I never wanted to be this young naiive girl who gets married then divorces. But your statements hit dead on and i appreciate the honesty!

And yes that's me, thank you!
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Old 08-16-2011, 07:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dazed&confused003 View Post
Honestly, the things you just said have been things circulating in my mind for a long time now. It hurts to say, but you're right. It just sucks that I've given up so much and tried everything to fix this, but it's just not working. I never wanted to be this young naiive girl who gets married then divorces. But your statements hit dead on and i appreciate the honesty!

And yes that's me, thank you!
You are young but you are FAR from naive. Naive would be accepting this and making excuses for him. You have tremendous insight and recognize that this is wrong. You sought out this place to ask questions so that means that deep down, you know something isn't right and you are smart to do so. Something is very wrong with a person who has 3 possible children and blames everybody else for his inability to care for them and then minimizes your pain in loosing your own child, HIS child. He has shown you his true self.....believe him.
Also, don't EVER chalk this up to youth. There are people here who are 45 who don't have the insight you do about respecting themselves and not allowing others to mistreat them. You are wise beyond your years and you will go very very far in life. That and your pretty face.
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Old 08-16-2011, 07:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you, sometimes that's all I need. A few words of encouragement or a nice gesture, i feel like I dont get that anymore. And for a complete stranger to take time out of their day to give me advice on my marital problems amazes me and i sincerely appreciate you. This generation would be better if people lended a helping hand more often. May God bless you!
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you, sometimes that's all I need. A few words of encouragement or a nice gesture, i feel like I dont get that anymore. And for a complete stranger to take time out of their day to give me advice on my marital problems amazes me and i sincerely appreciate you. This generation would be better if people lended a helping hand more often. May God bless you!
Oh honey, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than what he is giving you. I know you love him, that's why you are here. Grasping at straws to make it work. He loves himself, period. Excuses and b@ll**** is what he is about.
I was 20 (your age) when I went in to labor 4 months early. BF/now husband was out of town and he literally FLEW down the freeway to come to the hospital. 110 mph and got two tickets. He never left my side. That is what a man does. Period. End of story.
Hey, you are the new generation. Get yourself out of this situation and then help another. Pay it forward if you will.
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Old 08-16-2011, 11:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazed&confused003 View Post
Thank you, sometimes that's all I need. A few words of encouragement or a nice gesture, i feel like I dont get that anymore. And for a complete stranger to take time out of their day to give me advice on my marital problems amazes me and i sincerely appreciate you. This generation would be better if people lended a helping hand more often. May God bless you!
You should have titled this "Am I too good for this". And the answer is, 'yes my dear, you are!'.
Best of luck to you in your future.
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Old 08-16-2011, 11:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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First off you mention the military, assuming you are in the military I just want to say Thank You for serving this country and the people that enjoy all that we have.
I am in full agreement with the other members you are far from naive and dont forget that, you have seen their is a issue and you are trying to fix it, you are also 20 and need to get a D as if he hid that stuff from you as long as he did and now is acting the way that he is.......he is not worth it, I am sure you have heard this before but you have your whole life in front of your. I can tell you that if I met someone who was 20 and divorced that would probally not be a mark in my book of why not get involved with them, so many look at D as a bad thing or something is wrong with the person, sure we all have our faults but I can assure you yours are none like your husbands.

Good Luck and we are here to help.
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Old 08-17-2011, 05:29 AM   #13 (permalink)
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My husband and I met throught the military during training.He's 21 and im 20. We fell in love and have been together almost 2 years and married for almost a yr now. When we first started dating, he told me he had a son and I always told myself I didnt want to date anyone with kids considering im only 20. But I looked past that and thought we could make it work. He then told me about a little girl whose mother claimed he was the dad and he had been taking care of her then she turned around and said he wasnt, so he stopped. May i remind you, he has no dna tests for either one. I lived in az and he lived in tx before we moved in together so i flew to meet his family. We all seemed to get along. i got pregnant. Last october, he told me some girl he went to college with text him and told him he had a 10 month old daughter which made me livid. First off why just now tell him. And instead of doing things the correct way his mom and family started claiming her before he even got the chance to take a dna test. We went down to tx late october and as soon as we got there, his mother had the baby over at the house along with the babymomma and this all was still very fresh for me. I didnt go in and speak and he had gone in for about 10 min. I was pissed because i felt like his mother was being messy. Yes its her house but she could have them over anytime but just so happen that when we come out there they're over there. And i had to find out through facebook that he was taking pictures with the little girl and he lied to me about all of that. He had been texting the mother of the child as well being inappropriate and telling her not to mention their past to me. So that made me not like her because she knew he was married. I found out he had also been texting his ex but he claimed its because he was insecure but thats not an excuse. I officially moved to KY in with him and things became rocky. His mother and i weren't getting along and she's always getting involved in our marriage. I understand thats his mother, but she gets out of line and he needs to correct her, because im his wife and I come first. She wasn't even there for him growing up. All yr we had planned to go az for christmas with my family considering part of family was flying in from the east coast and all his family is in tx. At the last minute he decided to drive to tx and have his pregnant wife fly alone. I found out he was taking the little girl around town to meet his family, not even knowing if she was his or not. Come christmas eve i miscarried. I was so stressed out worrying about what he was doing and he had been with another baby while i lost mine. And till this day i've never forgiven him for that. Up until this june his mother and i were still on bad terms and she had said mean things about my family who she's never even met. She had been discussing my and her sons relationship with the acclaimed baby mother and the girl had said some things about me to his mom which is out of line to begin with, but his mom just agreed. I've always told him if the kids are yours you need to take care of them, but until you know for sure by getting a dna test there will be no contact, but he kept telling people that i said he cant take care of his kids which is a lie. Hes telling his mom things about me that arent true which is where most of her and my problems come from. He also runs back and tells her every argument we have which is annoying because conversations you have between husband and wife are between husband and wife.
Test results finally came back and the girl is his. But our agreement was he is talk on the phone in front of me because they had been calling each other everyday while hes at work around the same time and thats strange to me. And no 8 month old can really say much so him being on the phone for 10 min is not flying with me, because if hes really just talking to the baby there should be no problems talking in front of me and he blew up on me about that. We argue about this almost everyday, he doesnt seem to care. He wants me to get pregnant but at this point if hes 21 with 3 possible kids and he wants one by me? Doesnt seem right and i dont get along his family or those girls and want nothing to do with the kids because of everything ive gone through. I keep trying to make our marriage work but its starting to feel like a lost cause. There is no talking to him, hes always the victim. I just need some type of advice, im literally losing my mind. And i still left parts of the story out....HELP!
Here's some advice: run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. This is too much drama for anybody.
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Old 08-17-2011, 05:29 AM   #14 (permalink)
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i was kind of in a similar situation when i first started dating my wife. every time we had a disagreement, she took off running to her parents, but never told them about all the good i was doing. i told her how bad that made me look to them, she understood and stopped. it's up to you to decide what you can handle in a marriage. i agree with previous posts, he doesn't sound like a real winner. that's just my 2 cents though. good luck!
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Old 08-18-2011, 03:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you all for the support! I talked to him about everything and all he could say was, "Im sorry for ruining your life." As usual poor him lets all throw a pitty party for him...
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