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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-20-2011, 09:09 PM Thread Starter
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me , my mom and my wife

First I appreciate this website and assistance provide by you guys.
I am almost distressed by a family situation. My wife and mom are fighting, creating a hell like situation at home. My parents came from Romania 3 months ago to live with me. We were a happy family last week, having a party and fun with near and dear ones.
But 2 days ago, my mom was talking to my sister on the phone and
my wife start listening to their conversation through other handset.My mom and sister didn't knew it.
They were talking about her and her family side relattives, my mom were complaining to my sister that she didn't like wife and their side family and she brought the phone to me to hear them live. I heard their conversation and intervened right away to stop them.
Right after that situation at my home is a hell, My wife is complaining that she is a devil and my mom complaining about their privacy. Suddenly there are thousand issues and arguments between them.
I am trying to convince my wife that it is her mistake as she should not have listened to their conversation. My mom and wife usually like each other work together at home
My parents are about 60 to 65 lived in romania in countryside and cannot go back and other side is my wife and I am in the middle, dont know what to do. I am so stressed I cannot focus on my job as well. Any help or suggestion will be helpfull to resolve the issue.


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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-21-2011, 04:27 AM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

Your wife was wrong and she needs to apologize to your family. Your mom has every right to form an opinion of your wife, she doesn't HAVE to like her, just because you married her. You like your wife, and that should be what counts.

I understand that your wife feels upset, but based on her actions I can see why your mother doesn't think highly of her.

I can imagine the craziness of it all, with you there in the middle. Your wife will expect you to side with her, and so will your mother.

Remain neutral. You love them both, and they both commited errors.

At the risk of starting a war, you may want to sit down with the both of them and say something like,

"Wife - you were wrong to eavesdrop on someone else's conversation. That was a private conversation that did not involve you, and you are wrong for invading mother's privacy.

"Mother - You should try to remember there are nice things, and not so nice things about everyperson. You could focus more on the positive qualities of all people. Remember the saying, 'If you can't say something nice, than don't say anything at all."

Then you should probably reassure that you love each of them, and that it hurts you to have them against each other. No matter what, you are not going to pick sides. Tell them it is causing you a great deal of stress, and the problem doesn't involve you. Period.

Last edited by YinPrincess; 08-21-2011 at 04:32 AM.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-22-2011, 03:07 PM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

Yeah your wife shouldn't have been listening on the phone but she did and is now hurt.

I don't think you should turn against or be mad at your Mom but I do think you should STAND UP FOR YOUR WIFE. If your wife doesn't feel that you "have her back" then she might feel lack of security in your relationship.

It's an unfortunate situation where your Mom is entitled her opinion and I am sure she never would have wanted your wife to have heard but you live in the same house and so happens your wife picked up the phone and over heard. Hopefully you can work things out.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-22-2011, 03:32 PM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

Your wife may have incringed on your mother's privacy but it is her home. I cant think of too many husbands or wives that would be thrilled to have their in laws move in. Having a disrespectful in law to boot. Speak to your mother and ask her to try and diffuse the situation. Your wife too.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-22-2011, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

Thanks everyone for their invaluable input
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-01-2011, 10:41 PM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

Explain to your wife because it was on your side if you are in the middle she is not on your side and if she is in the middle you in her side
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-01-2011, 11:11 PM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

A husband should stand up for their wife ONLY if she is in the right. To back her when she is wrong means you have no integrity, and this teaches your wife that she can get away with anything. Lots of people think their SO should back them no matter what...this is stupid and silly thinking.

It may be your home, but that does not give your wife the right to eavesdrop on a private conversation. You should give her a strong admonishment on this.

Your mother has a right to her opinion, even one that may not be fair.

Now culturally, eastern Europeans are very acrimonious. It's because of the USSR years, Stalin, WW2, communism's mark. These last few generations of eastern blockers are notorious for being acrimonious, evil, rude, and full of entitlement. Be careful there...they are almost never to be trusted.

I've traveled extensively all over eastern europe and I know how these cultures think, how they are, and they will rub your American sensabilities the wrong way VERY FAST, and with few exceptions.

In the end, you must make your wife happy in reasonable ways...this means you must NOT allow your parents to stay with you longer then as necessary. In the end, it is your wife that you must focus on and FORESAKING ALL OTHERS as the vows go.

Best of luck on a horrible situation that I strongly suspect cannot be mended. Your foolish wife caused this explosion, but I suspect her inlaws are no sunny days either.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-02-2011, 05:41 AM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

From personal experiance, if your wife doesn't think you have her back it will cause major long term damage to your marriage.
She was wrong in this case and she needs to know this but she needs to feel you have her back.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-02-2011, 02:31 PM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

How long will your parents be living with you and your wife? Is this a short-term, just a couple months situation, or is this a really long term, open ended situation? If this is long term, how well do you think your wife understood the situation before your folks moved in? Did she know your parents well enough to know what she'll have to put up with, or was it more like: Well, these are ran1976's parents, I'm sure they'll be saints and I won't even know they're here? Do your parents have cultural expectations of a daughter-in-law that your wife does not share, and are those expectations creating more tension?
1. Get your parents a cell phone. Make it clear that they are to use this and not the home phone. Make sure it is a good plan for international as you will be paying for this, or has a hard cut-off after so many minutes of international calling. This will give your mother the privacy she expects: she can walk down to the park and make her calls. When my in-laws were living with my husband's brother, they would do just that: walk down to the park, call my husband, and complain about his brother's wife. Did she know they didn't like her? Sure: she doesn't get along with any of the family, and someone who enjoys criticizing others that much has to know she's unpopular. But she didn't have to listen to them, and that helped keep the peace.
2. If your wife had walked into the room, or picked up the home phone to use it inadvertently, rather than deliberately, how would you feel about this situation and how would you handle it? Are you sure that your wife picked up the phone to listen to your mother and sister, or did she pick it up to place a call and discover your mother was using it? Yes, your wife is in the wrong to listen in to a private conversation, but your mother made a poor choice to complain in a situation where she had no reasonable expectation of total privacy. An apology from both sides would be appropriate.
3. If this is an open-ended visit--your parents have immigrated--look into what it will take to get them into their own place. This may be the only way to restore peace. Maybe remodeling your basement into an in-law apartment will suffice, maybe you need to rent them a tiny studio apartment. Involve your wife in the process so, if it ends up being impossible at least right now, she knows you're trying.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-02-2011, 11:56 PM
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Re: me , my mom and my wife

Your first priority belongs to your wife and actually I think your mother is the one who was being the most disrespectful here. Your parents are a guest in your and your wife's home and she criticizes and complains to another relative??? Very disrespectful on your mothers part! Your mother owes your wife an apology.

You need to help your parents find new living arrangements ASAP.

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