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Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
I really don't know what to do anymore.
Long story short, my wife openly complains about everything. Sometimes her complaints pertain to others, other times they only pertain to me. In general, I do my best to stay focused on the big picture - which is to get along and be happy together. So, I don't get overly upset about the complaints.
The problem comes when I complain. God forbid I ever, ever, voice anything that she can remotely consider as offensive. If so, she tells me how ungrateful or horrible I am, and instead of allowing me to explain myself or talk rationally about the issue, she'll leave the room and we usually won't talk for days. And of course, after a few days I'm ALWAYS the one to come waving the white flag. At which point she demands an apology followed by her verbal condemnation about how wrong I was. If I do attempt to explain my point of view in a rational manner, we get sucked into this cycle of arguing, and eventually the "silent treatment" will reset and we'll be back to square one.
I am on the verge of considering this to be some type of abuse. I don't deserve this. When her and I are getting along, it's the greatest thing on Earth, but I have to constantly monitor what I want to say in fear of her finding fault in it and "punishing" me with avoidance and silence.
She has resorted to this behavior since our beginning (5 years ago), and I have always tried to explain to her how horrible it is. This past Friday I came home from work. My plans were to take her to a museum on Saturday. I've had to work a lot recently, and all I was looking forward to was spending this weekend with her.
Well, for the past couple months I have been doing the laundry. I don't care. It's not a big deal to me. Anyway, she decided to clean the apartment and do the laundry, but she did not put the clothes away because she said she got too tired. We usually clean about every 2 weeks together, but she's on her summer break from grad school. Anyway, so now there's a giant pile of somewhat damp and very wrinkled clothes on the bed. And as nice and cool and friendly and unconfrontational as I possibly could say it, as we were sitting on the couch later that evening I simply said something like... "Hey, how about if either of us decides to do the laundry, we also put it away too because everything's all wrinkled." And I went on to explain how I usually do it on Saturday morning, and she didn't have to worry about it, blah blah blah. And of course, it was all downhill from then.
Now, was that right? Was that wrong? Either way, it's not my point. I GUARANTEE you that if the tables were turned, she would have complained like hell, but at least I would have afforded her the decency of listening and understanding her concerns. And, we would have continued with a fantastic evening.
I don't think it's fair to live with this idea of "perfection". We all have our good and bad days. We all have our reasons. It's not about whether or not your spouse says something you don't like, but rather, how do you choose to respond and solve the issue. At some point, we all say things that offend the other, whether intentional or accidental. I'm just at some breaking point because - how can I expect to live the rest of my life with someone who behaves like this? How are we supposed to learn and grow together if this is the way SHE responds to problems? This is insane. It's absolutely sick that every time she hears something she doesn't approve of, she insults me and marches off for a multi-day silent treatment.
I have read a few articles online about how to act in these situations. And in the past month or 2, when we have engaged in this destructive behavior, I have swallowed my pride, approached her, apologized, and took blame for whatever it was I said wrong. However, I'm now at the point where I think that is NOT the right approach. I think it only rewards bad behavior. I think in a certain way, she's highly immature and reverts into some rebellious teenager when she's offended. I think the more I give in, the more it rewards that sick behavior.
So the question is, now what? It's Sunday evening. We haven't talked since she marched off on Friday evening. As before, this will probably drag into Monday and Tuesday. What in the hell do I do? It's so stressful living like this. I just want to get along and be happy together. Life is too damn short.
I'm really starting to feel like marriage is complete and utter BS. Look at all the miserable people out there.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
She sounds like a passive aggressive. Oddly put because she's actually overt about it. She's doing all of this because you let it go on. You can't see that, so don't take that wrong. But by trying to get along and just avoid the fighting you're enabling her. She needs a wake up call. You might try counseling. Tell her you scheduled a session and want her there. Tell her you love her but if she doesn't get a handle on her anger you will have to decide what you want to do. You have to grab the bull by the horns and she needs to know she's risking your relationship.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
BrokenFlowers, this is not much help at all, but personally I would leave a spouse over this sort of behavior. I dispise the Silent Treatment, it is one thing me & my husband has never done to each other, I think the longest a fight has lasted for us was "overnight". I hated that with a passion.
I can only imagine how utterly frustrating this must be. I agree with you, always sucking up to her and putting yourself down when it is not your fault -just to appease her so another silent treatment session is avoided, this is only rewarding her.
I think you need to be direct and tell your wife -you and her need to go to marraige counceling -for Communication. You no longer want or are able to live like THIS anymore. You are right, life is too short.
At least pick up a book on Communication & have her agree to read it with you..
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sprinter
She sounds like a passive aggressive. Oddly put because she's actually overt about it. She's doing all of this because you let it go on. You can't see that, so don't take that wrong. But by trying to get along and just avoid the fighting you're enabling her. She needs a wake up call. You might try counseling. Tell her you scheduled a session and want her there. Tell her you love her but if she doesn't get a handle on her anger you will have to decide what you want to do. You have to grab the bull by the horns and she needs to know she's risking your relationship.
I'm amazed at how much sense that makes. I really appreciate the reply. I always felt like I was enabling her behavior, but I just want to get along. That's all I want.
I have suggested counseling (last month in fact when the same thing happened). She was borderline offended that I suggested such a thing, and said she would never go.
All of this is absolutely insane. We could be getting along perfectly, and then out of no where - the next few days are ruined for something that could have been resolved in 5 minutes. It's insane.
What would you do? Go ahead and schedule counseling and show up whether she does or not?
I don't know what kind of articles you read, but for your own sake STOP APOLOGIZING to your wife for your wife's own bad behavior.
You are killing her respect for you.
If you need marriage counselling (sounds like you do), then yes, schedule it yourself, tell your wife when and where is the apppointment, and go yourself either with or without her.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
BrokenFlowers, this is not much help at all, but personally I would leave a spouse over this sort of behavior. I dispise the Silent Treatment, it is one thing me & my husband has never done to each other, I think the longest a fight has lasted for us was "overnight". I hated that with a passion.
I can only imagine how utterly frustrating this must be. I agree with you, always sucking up to her and putting yourself down when it is not your fault -just to appease her so another silent treatment session is avoided, this is only rewarding her.
I think you need to be direct and tell your wife -you and her need to go to marraige counceling -for Communication. You no longer want or are able to live like THIS anymore. You are right, life is too short.
At least pick up a book on Communication & have her agree to read it with you..
It's actually quite emotional that someone else "out there" understands how frustrating this is. I envy your marriage in that you and your husband maintain a dialog to attempt to resolve problems. I can't imagine how helpful that must be.
I'm not sure what to do at this point: Recommend the book or book myself a marriage counselor. Although, she has stated that she'll never go see a counselor. I think she's very insecure and seeing a counselor is like a sign of weakness or something. Her attitude is - if you have to see a counselor, you shouldn't be together anyway.
I don't know what kind of articles you read, but for your own sake STOP APOLOGIZING to your wife for your wife's own bad behavior.
You are killing her respect for you.
If you need marriage counselling (sounds like you do), then yes, schedule it yourself, tell your wife when and where is the apppointment, and go yourself either with or without her.
I wish you well.
Ok Wolf... being a former Tom Leykis listener of years past, I like what I'm reading over there. It's just sad things have come to this. WTF.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenFlowers
I'm not sure what to do at this point: Recommend the book or book myself a marriage counselor. Although, she has stated that she'll never go see a counselor. I think she's very insecure and seeing a counselor is like a sign of weakness or something. Her attitude is - if you have to see a counselor, you shouldn't be together anyway.
You may have to risk LOOSING her to regain your marraige, do not be afraid to say "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, HEAR ME now, or risk loosing this marriage". Period . No More Mr. Nice Guy. You are the man, you see a NEED, you are taking steps to fix a severe problem. Remaining in a miserable marraige is NOT living.
People who go on like this are creating a Grand Canyon gulf betweeen them, next some woman at work may warm up to you , you will find yourself pouring your heart out to her over your lonliness at home, listening to your sorrows and you may fall into an affair.
My husband was too much of a Nice Guy too, funny me buying the book so I can teach him to overrule me. Ha ha I am pretty reasonable to live with, I like a little conflict, my husband was more of the avoider , now that I am on to that, he won't ever get away with that again. I want his assertiveness, it IS more attracting to have your man stand up for himself, even if we don't like it. We often NEED it !
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous
You may have to risk LOOSING her to regain your marraige, do not be afraid to say "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, HEAR ME now, or risk loosing this marriage". Period . No More Mr. Nice Guy. You are the man, you see a NEED, you are taking steps to fix a severe problem. Remaining in a miserable marraige is NOT living.
People who go on like this are creating a Grand Canyon gulf betweeen them, next some woman at work may warm up to you , you will find yourself pouring your heart out to her over your lonliness at home, listening to your sorrows and you may fall into an affair.
My husband was too much of a Nice Guy too, funny me buying the book so I can teach him to overrule me. Ha ha I am pretty reasonable to live with, I like a little conflict, my husband was more of the avoider , now that I am on to that, he won't ever get away with that again. I want his assertiveness, it IS more attracting to have your man stand up for himself, even if we don't like it. We often NEED it !
This is what confuses me. From the sound of it, I need to be more "assertive" (aka "confrontational"). But if that's really true, what's the point? If two people really do care about each other, want the best, want to drop the BS and just get along and enjoy each other's company, then why must we have to resort to things like "putting your foot down"? Do you see my point?
I held out a long time before getting married. Sure, I had some long relationships in my past (8 and 3 years), but I didn't "tie the knot" until I was 36. Before I had met my wife and I was single, I don't think it's possible I could have lived a more happy and DRAMA-FREE life. It was just too damn easy. Simple. But now, everything is F'n complicated. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a sacrifice. Everything is a compromise. And after it's all done - I'm someone's doormat. What the hell is wrong with people?
I look around and see all these absolutely MISERABLE married couples. I mean, what the hell is wrong with this picture? Is the problem really me? Is the problem really my wife? Or, is the problem this stupid-ass, completely unnatural idea of "marriage"? What's the point? Is it because we're incapable of finding happiness alone? Is it fear? Whatever it is, I'm really starting to feel like all of the BS isn't worth the payoff because I don't see a payoff.
Marriage has redefined the words 'anger' and 'frustration' and 'heartache'. I'm now contemplating things like books, and counselors, and assertiveness. But under it all, I'm still asking myself, WTF? What is so freaking hard about being mature, being responsible, and getting along? Does it really have to be that difficult???
It makes my head spin. It's like some people consciously choose to be unhappy. What amazes me.... what truly truly amazes me to no end is people who get married more than once. My God... I can't even comprehend that. Why would anyone volunteer for this nightmare more than once? I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done".
It just sucks when you care and love (whatever the hell that means anymore) someone like crazy, and you have to let them go because of their selfish immaturity. And you know... you know.... they'll finally snap out of it some day when it's too late and you can't go back. It's brutally unfair.
Broken,
The reason she acts this way is that you are always the one to make up. If you want your marriage to have a chance of surviving that can't continue. You need to learn to detach and then avoid her company until she comes to you.
OTE=brokenFlowers;402688]This is what confuses me. From the sound of it, I need to be more "assertive" (aka "confrontational"). But if that's really true, what's the point? If two people really do care about each other, want the best, want to drop the BS and just get along and enjoy each other's company, then why must we have to resort to things like "putting your foot down"? Do you see my point?
I held out a long time before getting married. Sure, I had some long relationships in my past (8 and 3 years), but I didn't "tie the knot" until I was 36. Before I had met my wife and I was single, I don't think it's possible I could have lived a more happy and DRAMA-FREE life. It was just too damn easy. Simple. But now, everything is F'n complicated. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a sacrifice. Everything is a compromise. And after it's all done - I'm someone's doormat. What the hell is wrong with people?
I look around and see all these absolutely MISERABLE married couples. I mean, what the hell is wrong with this picture? Is the problem really me? Is the problem really my wife? Or, is the problem this stupid-ass, completely unnatural idea of "marriage"? What's the point? Is it because we're incapable of finding happiness alone? Is it fear? Whatever it is, I'm really starting to feel like all of the BS isn't worth the payoff because I don't see a payoff.
Marriage has redefined the words 'anger' and 'frustration' and 'heartache'. I'm now contemplating things like books, and counselors, and assertiveness. But under it all, I'm still asking myself, WTF? What is so freaking hard about being mature, being responsible, and getting along? Does it really have to be that difficult???
It makes my head spin. It's like some people consciously choose to be unhappy. What amazes me.... what truly truly amazes me to no end is people who get married more than once. My God... I can't even comprehend that. Why would anyone volunteer for this nightmare more than once? I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done".
It just sucks when you care and love (whatever the hell that means anymore) someone like crazy, and you have to let them go because of their selfish immaturity. And you know... you know.... they'll finally snap out of it some day when it's too late and you can't go back. It's brutally unfair.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenFlowers
This is what confuses me. From the sound of it, I need to be more "assertive" (aka "confrontational").
There is a crucial difference between being confrontational, which encompasses such unacceptable behaviors as pointing one's finger in another person's face, shouting someone down, and acting like a bully.
Assertion is when one is self-confidently able to draw boundaries and enforce them; remaining calm and having the ability to walk away if the other party starts losing control.
In a perfect world, this would happen all the time. But this isn't a perfect world. There are no perfect marriages. There are no perfect people.
You mentioned that your wife has been like this from the get-go. I assume she behaved this way and gave you "the treatment" prior to your marriage. So, to some extent, you had an idea of what you were getting yourself into. That being said, it sounds like you have reached your saturation point. She gets away with this because you allow it.
Get into counseling. Set boundaries. Let her live with the consequences. My ex gave me the silent treatment as a form of punishing me whenever he didn't like something I said or did. Often, I had no clue what I actually did because any discussions were off the table. I finally reciprocated and gave him the PERMANENT silent treatment. I filed for divorce.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenFlowers
It makes my head spin. It's like some people consciously choose to be unhappy. What amazes me.... what truly truly amazes me to no end is people who get married more than once. My God... I can't even comprehend that. Why would anyone volunteer for this nightmare more than once? I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done".
It just sucks when you care and love (whatever the hell that means anymore) someone like crazy, and you have to let them go because of their selfish immaturity. And you know... you know.... they'll finally snap out of it some day when it's too late and you can't go back. It's brutally unfair.
This is all water under the bridge now -since you are in this mess and clearly it sounds like your wife has real issues that need dealt with (to me) but how long did you date before you marreid her ?
Anytime I hear of a new couple and they are ready to get hitched -quickly, a matter or months or so, seriously, one of the 1st things I ask is -- have you had a GOOD knock down dragged out fight/brawl yet ? If they haven't , I say they don't know each other near well enough, they need to KNOW , having experienced CONFLICT from many sides and how they handle communication. --it is MAJOR-- MAJOR --- MAJOR !!!
Sex , Communication and Finances, these are the top 3 Killers of happiness in marraige.
Was there no warning signals before you marreid her?
Yes, it is a shame to have to resort to these things. One person being the Better more compliant -willing to listen, willing to compromise partner - it is reduced to nothing but dirt slipping through your hands - if the other is selfish, has narcissistic tendencies, offened by every word & addicted to the Silent treatment. That is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. She has tied your hands.
That is why she needs broken -or left.
I am not one who feels you should stay in a miserable marraige, Life is too short, find someone compatable. If being alone is more inviting, after many steps taken - sound advice offered, prayer, counseling -and she doesn't budge, is time to get the hell out, as there is nothing left to work with.
It really is all about Boundaries -what we can and are willing to live with-with another human being , everyone has Deal Breakers. Many of our lists are longer than just physical abuse & infidelity. This is like a mental abuse.
More books, sorry it is a habit: I have always been an avid reader of communication and Boundaries books, I am capable of being a pretty selfish little scoundral if I let myself be, but learning through the years how to best get along with others & enriching my marraige -it is only to benefit myself and everyone in my life. Books have always enlightened me, set me on the right path.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenFlowers
I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done"....It's brutally unfair.
brokenFlowers, I totally understand. I am also by nature a conflict-avoidant person. One of the things I've realized with the help of this forum is that I married a woman who needs a certain amount of conflict, and who needs me to stay strong during that conflict. (This may mean not being swayed by all her arguments without losing my cool. It may also mean allowing myself to be persuaded--but ONLY on my own terms, while also making clear that her methods of persuasion are inappropriate and will not be tolerated.) What BBW and SimplyAmorous are telling you is true. MEM11363 is also a great resource in helping with this stuff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenFlowers
I think in a certain way, she's highly immature and reverts into some rebellious teenager when she's offended.
I know, it's flabbergasting, isn't it? You marry this person, on one level, because you admire her...then this.
A strong, competent woman acts like a teenager for the same reason a teenager acts like a teenager. She needs someone stronger to push against. And if she doesn't see that man, she'll try to bring that man out.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
brokenFlowers, try and discover if your wife is truly a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Research the term.
Picture this scenario. (I’ve made the assumption you had told your wife you want to spend the weekend with her and visit the museum). Your wife didn’t want to go to the museum with you and she didn’t want to spend the weekend with you. Plus she wanted to hurt you by preventing you doing things you’d enjoy. And that’s the reason she left the damp washing on the bed. It was all thought out. All premeditated and planned. She knew it would start an argument and she knew exactly which way that argument would go and what the consequences would be. That is the type of thing that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES do.
Again, assuming your wife is a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE she will not go to marriage counselling. The reason for this is that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES are extremely afraid/concerned that the counsellor will see right through them. It’s the same if anyone else is there in the room with you while she is being the PA. That other person, as an uninvolved, unemotional OBSERVER would see that your wife is pushing your buttons and that you are responding. That observer/counsellor will see things that are at the moment invisible to you.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES think in ways that you and I can never comprehend. That’s why we can’t “make them out”. Also, because we can’t make them out it’s like our mind is being f*cked. It’s like we are going crazy. There we are with a person who professes to love us but they are seeking revenge for something in the past and stabbing us in the back. Sometimes they will stab in the back for no reason whatsoever. And it will not matter a jolt, nada, zilch, zero about how kind, loving, supporting, helpful etc. you have been to her.
Re: Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH
brokenFlowers, try and discover if your wife is truly a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Research the term.
Picture this scenario. (I’ve made the assumption you had told your wife you want to spend the weekend with her and visit the museum). Your wife didn’t want to go to the museum with you and she didn’t want to spend the weekend with you. Plus she wanted to hurt you by preventing you doing things you’d enjoy. And that’s the reason she left the damp washing on the bed. It was all thought out. All premeditated and planned. She knew it would start an argument and she knew exactly which way that argument would go and what the consequences would be. That is the type of thing that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES do.
Again, assuming your wife is a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE she will not go to marriage counselling. The reason for this is that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES are extremely afraid/concerned that the counsellor will see right through them. It’s the same if anyone else is there in the room with you while she is being the PA. That other person, as an uninvolved, unemotional OBSERVER would see that your wife is pushing your buttons and that you are responding. That observer/counsellor will see things that are the moment invisible to you.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES think in ways that you and I can never comprehend. That’s why we can’t “make them out”. Also, because we can’t make them out it’s like our mind is being f*cked. It’s like we are going crazy. There we are with a person who professes to love us but they are seeking revenge for something in the past and stabbing us in the back. Sometimes they will stab in the back for no reason whatsoever. And it will not matter a jolt, nada, zilch, zero about how kind, loving, supporting, helpful etc. you have been to her.
Do all passive aggressive people do the same thing?
I hate the silent treatment. I would rather have a disagreement and make up at the end.
I also hate fighting and would rather just discuss things even if we don't agree.
Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk. 
Do all passive aggressive people do the same thing?
