My husband lied to me today. We are a blended marriage. Both our second marriages. We each have two chilldren. I also adopted my 17 year old sister. (Our mom was sick and passed.) so we have 5 kids together.
We both work full time and make about equal pay and share all finances.
His kids are 8, 10 and mine 8, 4. My husband is loving, romantic, the best father and husband. His fault is his temper.
In January his kids were moved to Georgia by his ex so we can't see them as often. We get them Around Christmas. I have been asking him for months to get plane tickets and he barely is looking in to it. I'm very stressed about coming up with money for flights for them and Christmas gifts for 5 kids. I started stashing money and saving it a couple months ago. We had $600 saved.
Well yesterday my husband says he's looking in to ticket prices. I found some for $400. I was already stressed about where that money was coming from. He told me after school care was paid for December so my child support could help pay for that. I asked him to count the money I stashed and he went in our room and counted the cash. He came out and said we have $300. I flip because where's the other $300 I saved? He says he doesn't remember what we did with it. I was upset but he tells me we can make the tickets work so I felt better.
Well today I got a text saying he's getting the boys tickets. I say how much and he says $600. I said no we need more quotes and I checked the bank and he already bought them by the time he told me the price. Didn't even discuss with me as this was $200 more than we planned.
So I was pissed but didn't let it ruin me. However while I was in the bank records I see he withdrew $200 at an atm today. I asked him about it when he got home and he said "I am going to pay a bill with it." I said "what Bill?"
He paused and was stumped and couldn't come up with a lie and answered "I don't know"
So I'm thinking wtf is going on. Then he flips and starts crying and saying he is replacing the money from the drawer that he took to make me "happy." He went in the room and put that cash in our drawer with the other stashed cash. So then I'm saying then why did you just lie to me? He says "I'm sorry I'm an idiot."
So then I'm in shock that he's lying to my face. Over and over. And I'm fuming. I storm to my room and lock the door. I look in the money envelope and there's only $300. So I think ok he must have put that money somewhere else. I asked him where it was and he said he put it in the envelope. So I yell at him to explain what's happening. Feels like I'm in twilight zone. And he said that's all the money we had. So yesterday when he told me we had $300 we only had $100! He said he paid after school care with it a long time ago. So I'm guessing it's not all paid like he's said it was. All my families Christmas money gone!
I'm so shocked. I never thought he was capable of lying so much. And he deceived me into thinking we could afford those tickets. And now we have no Christmas money! I'm so upset. I'm wandering if I'm ready to leave. He's otherwise a great man but honesty must be present. Is this repairable?
I told him to cancel those tickets or there's no fighting for us. He straight up said he won't.
Your husband appears to be irresponsible with money. I wouldn't share finances with him. Call daycare and confirm if it has been paid through December. I know you share finances, but doesn't it strike you wrong that he just expects you to spend your child support on his kids? And, now you have no money to buy your children presents. Hope your ex-husband doesn't get wind of this.
Accountant here. If your marriage was a business entity, we would call your husband's behavior embezzlement. Pull a credit report. Maybe he has debt he's hiding from you. Its also possible that he's hiding a drug or gambling habit or even an affair.
Most problems, especially those concerning money are fixable...however, you can't solve a problem without all the information..
You need to know what the heck is going on with your finances. It sounds as if a sit down with your husband is in order. Keep it calm, if he gets upset...then deescalate, keeping him calm will get you where you want to be...which is in possession of the truth.
Good luck, stay calm...its a problem like any other, and like any other can be solved
If your XH finds out your current H is stealing/using child support that he sends for his kids, he could petition the court to lower the amount.
I'm glad you're starting to keep your, and especially your kids', money separate.
Buy your kids and family presents from your money. Let your H worry about his kids. Or tell them he spent the extra $200 on plane tickets. He stole money from your kids for his kids. That is unacceptable.
Demand your H replace every dime of the money he took. I'd then insist on MC, but NOT with one of those happy-families-at-all-costs type of therapists.
you need to get to the bottom of this. Where is the money or where did it go. It may not be as sinister as you think but whilst you do not know the truth you will assume the worst and it will consume you. Even if he has taken it to buy you something special and cant tell you insist he does.
There is a lie for a reason good or bad you need the truth so that you can resolve the mental torture you are now inflicting on yourself
IMO he should start looking on craigslist to see if there are any odd jobs he can do to make some fast cash or stuff he can sell to get that money back but ITA that you need to find out where it went
So I have been bugging him to show me his individual bank account. All that goes in is his disability and it pays our mortgage. Well when I ask to see those statements he gets angry. He finally screen shotted it and texted it to me. But I wanted the whole report as I knew he could cut things out. Today I told him I wanted to see. He lets me while he's hovering over my shoulder. Sure enough he had a $300 charge. Turns out he had a speeding ticket. I think that's what he took the cash from my bonus for.
I feel like he's a pathological liar. I've never seen this side of him before. He said he didn't want to disappoint me. Yet he keeps lying over and over. I don't know what to do. I can't trust any thing he says or does. I know I can't afford to live on my own. And my kids look at him like their idol.
He's acting like a teenager. They lie and hide things to avoid facing up to it with their parents. A lot of times it is because they don't want to disappoint their parents and lose some of their approval or respect. Sometimes it's because they want to avoid punishment or their parents' anger. Sometimes it's all of the above.
So he stole the money to pay the fine? Either he is a liar or doesn't feel safe enough in the marriage to disclose that he got a speeding ticket. Are you a controller in the marriage?
For a grown man to cry and hide a speeding ticket says an awful lot about the state of your marriage. To my mind (I am a female) you may have bigger issues with control.
Sit down and talk to him.
We've been together for 3 years and I can't count the amount of tickets he got
He got kicked off his insurance for so many tickets. We were quoted $900 a month for car insurance because of his wreck less driving so yes I would have been pissed
Wow, you sound like a bossy wife but your husband probably is bringing that out of you, if he's not stepping up. can't be wasting family money with bad driving and then lying about it. That's not cool at all.
Are you sure there not something else going on. If you've ruled out drugs/alcohol and gambling, then the only thing that comes to mind is woman. I'd check check his bank/credit card accounts closely and also check his phone, email, and social media. Not trying to make you panic but if he's all of a sudden getting weird and irresponsible then you need to make sure you nip that $hit in the bud.
Ahhhhhh so maybe he really is a good guy and a nice guy - but is a bit irresponsible and is ashamed of it. Nth at makes much more sense.
Look - everyone has flaws so you have to decide what type of flaws you'll accept.
I would do as others have said and let him know that you don't want financial matters to ruin your relationship, so you want to separate some things for a while to be sure your financial priorities are met. That means school, food, kids, presents, etc. if he gets more tickets he'll have to work out some sort of payment plan - you can't let those issues be more important than your financial issues.
Believe it or not there are many many worse things that could have been going on... though I agree this has to be addressed
Not as simple. He committed financial infidelity. The fact that you have to protect the child support so he does not squander it for his own sake is also telling about him. Plus he wanted to use her child support for his own benefit. Not exactly just a good guy that does unintelligent things from time to time.
The fact he kept lying and in no way corrects his own behavior is another issue.
So, what money there is left, just buy your own biological children presents and let him explain to his own children why daddy is at fault for stealing money that you save for them as well.
It may not seem that fair to your step children, but he placed himself in that situation.
Agree with Mr Fisty, but how long has this being going on? have you enabled him in any way by covering his money problems? You can still love one, be with them but not enable them, time to play hardball methinks.
You are separating your finances, first smart move. Keep meticulous track of all outgoings, I would buy a small ledger to do this.
He will probably ask for money, you decide whether you want to lend or not, keep a record.
The first problem seems to be the driving, maybe ask him to give up the car and take public transport for a while or car pool.
Doesn't that still leave $200 not accounted for? Or did I misread the first post?
I still think HE should be responsible for making up the money that is done by checking craigslist for any odd jobs he could do, anything he could sell. Even if he's shoveling snow (or mowing lawns, I don't know where you live ).
So he has a temper and lying as his faults.
How were you able to live before you met him? It may not be as impossible as you think to afford to live on your own if that is what you want to do.
Could you suggest therapy for him to deal with his lying and avoiding?
Thanks for all the replies. I'm in a dark lost place right now.
I really am resenting his kids. So he has a almost $400 speeding ticket he lied about. He drives around in company car all over all day so he is at a higher risk of wrecks but I guess he got a speeding ticket.
He took out 500 from our Christmas money
He paid $600 on plane tickets with out getting my ok first
This is all with in two weeks
I feel deceived
I would've never agreed knowing he cleaned us dry and all these lies were going on
I immediately told him to cancel those plane tickets and he says no. It makes me resent him and the kids because I'm number 2 to him. I feel like marriages are so much work. This is a prime example why spouses should be first. Because now all this lying happened
We are in marriage counseling because we are trying to work through our issues. We just went two days ago and our counselor had him promise me to not lie to me and here we are again
I'm lost
We just bought a new house and I don't think I could survive with this expensive mortgage
It shouldn't be hard to separate your money since you both make an equal amount. Split the bills and household needs in half and each put that amount towards them. What's left is for you and your kids, his is for him and his kids. If he blows his money on speeding tickets then he's out of luck for a while. He should also be saving from his own amounts for things like plane tickets, you would pay for all your children's, and sisters, needs.
I'd also not keep any more cash in your home.
Money is one area I am totally ok being "bossy" about but I keep my stuff separate so I can have total control of it on my end, with his end, whatever is his share of the bills and household needs gets taken out payday morning and the rest he can do with what he wants. We tried many other ways but this is all that worked when we are so different in our views on money.
Like you, I plan ahead for things like Christmas. I would be devastated if something like this happened.
With the plane tickets, can he still cancel and get the $400 ones? When does he get his next paycheck and how much do you guys typically have extra from your pay that doesn't go to bills? All of his would be gone until the money was paid back IMO.
How can he collect disability if he is working? So, his disability pays the mortgage, what about his paycheck? How would his company react if they learned about the speeding ticket in a company car?
How can he collect disability if he is working? So, his disability pays the mortgage, what about his paycheck? How would his company react if they learned about the speeding ticket in a company car?
Your money sharing plan sounds great. I honestly thought it was weird when people split finances. But obviously I have no choice. And that's great that he would have to pay for his kids tickets. I like that.
He gets disability from being medboarded from the army, he was in 13 years. He can still work as long as it's not physically demanding.
Yes you should be number 1 but in second marriages the children from the spouses are usually number 1 which causes resentment with those spouses and that's why the divorce rate is higher than for first marriages. Even with adult children that are out of the house there is conflict because like in your case the spouse gives money to his/her children.
I think in most marriages like first ones or ones without stepchildren it's better to have money pooled together but in second marriages where there is the conflict with money and who pays for what for a child then it's a good idea to each have their own money and pay for the household expenses form you own accounts, that way you aren't resentful about the family money being spend on his kids and you can protect your money if the marriage ends
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